Hairy Fizzogs The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many, many years ago, a terrible plague was turning the people

of Fyredor into horrible beasts.

And a few nice cuddly ones.

Their only hope of a cure rested with Princes Dick and Dom,

their light-fingered servant, Lutin, and their trusty mage, Mannitol.

Unfortunately...

They were utterly useless!

They dropped the first antidote,

mucked up the replacement antidote...

Get out!

And now must collect the ingredients to re-remake the antidote

before all of Fyredor is doomed forever.

The Legend of Dick and Dom continues.

Another exciting adventure begins

in the mythical, magical, mystical merry-go-round of Bottom World.

Our heroes are continuing their quest to seek out new lands,

new civilisations, to boldly go where no man has gone bef...

Oh, sorry, wrong show.

Our heroes are continuing their quest to find the

ingredients to re-remake the potion,

a potion that will cure the poor, plague-infected citizens of Fyredor.

But, unbeknownst to them,

deep within the darkest forests of the land,

their arch nemesis the Beastmaster

was once again plotting their downfall with his evil henchman.

You have failed me.

Have you anything to say?

RIBBIT!

Ah. Then you leave me no choice.

I am bringing in a special operative.

The Jackal!

QUACK!

Jackal, find those princes and lead me to them. Hunt them like dogs!

Oh, sorry, Martin.

As for you two...

You're toast!

HE CACKLES

HE COUGHS

Sorry.

Aaarrrgh!

-The Hairy Fizzogs are in town!

-What?

The Hairy Fizzogs! Look!

Only my most favouritest band in Bottom World ever!

Honestly, Lutin, I thought you were in danger.

Oh, but I am in danger.

In danger of getting so excited that I wet myself!

Oh, but I love them!

I know the words to all their songs.

The Hairy Scary Skunk Rat, You've Got a Frog Face (But I Love You)...

Oh! And I know all the actions Bop Bop Bah Bap!

Oh, and, and, and, I've got, like, all their merchandise.

I've got the tankard, the cloak, the pants, the snot rags...

-The snot rags!?

-Yeah! I had to buy them second-hand,

but they are authentic Hairy Fizzog ones!

-This... Urgh, this is all tat!

-What?

Bands and music.

They're so overrated.

Not like they were in my day.

I'm surprised at you, Lutin.

At least the Princes Dick and Dom, well, they're not so easily swayed.

Mmm, so soft.

Oh, don't tell me you like their music, too?

Well, I like their music.

He just likes the hair.

They've got no talent, no soul, no pizzazz!

-What?!

-Honestly, what is the Bottom World coming to?

Oh, shut up, Mannitol.

Yeah, shut up, Mannitol.

You're, like, always so boring.

Like yesterday, when I wanted to spend some time poking that bull

and you wouldn't let me.

Yes, well, I think the Hairy Fizzogs are rubbish.

Yeah, well, you would.

Because you're just a boring old fuddy-duddy!

I am off to get concert tickets.

-You can't!

-Huh?

-Why not?

-What about the quest?

-Oh!

-All over Bottom World, innocent, plague-ridden victims

are being turned into chickens and badgers.

The plague is spreading.

People are relying on us to find a cure.

We must put the suffering of others before our own desires.

It is a race against time.

The quest! The quest!

And only the quest.

You're right, Mannitol.

We must continue the quest.

And then go to the concert! Yay!

As you wish.

Let's have a look.

-The sweat of a King.

-Oh, great.

Where are we supposed to find a sweaty King?

-We could ask our dad.

-No way! Return home with an incomplete potion?

Mmm. Maybe a sweaty Prince would do?

Don't Look at me. I don't sweat. I may perspire.

We're faced with only one option...

King Stenchwang the third.

Stenchy? Who's he?

He rules over Whiffy-Mamma Valley, beyond the steaming pits.

It's a long way. We'll set off now.

Oh! But what about the concert?

We might not be back in time!

Mannitol, a compromise...

Maybe we could get the sweat tomorrow?

Please? Please?

Please? Please? Please?

No! No concert!

We are heading...upwind.

So with their hopes of seeing the Hairy Fizzogs' concert

dashed by Mannitol,

our heroes reluctantly set off in search of the sweat of a king.

Ah! The Hairy Fizzogs!

I love you...

Ha, ha, ha!

Oi, oi! Hands off the fur. This is mammoth, I'll have you know

and I ain't spending half of tomorrow night

thrashing it out again, all right?

Are you with...the band!?

I am the roadie. I move their stuff.

-Oh....

-Hey... Just remember, little lady, the band may bring the rock

but the roadie brings the roll.

All right? Anyway, I'm looking for Wemblebum Stadium,

the band are playing there tonight.

In front of royalty.

So I've got to get a little bit of a wriggle on, if you catch my drift.

Royalty? No, I'm afraid we won't be there...

I haven't got a clue who you are, you cabbage.

I am talking about King Stenchwang the third and his B-O-dy guards.

King Stenchwang?

That's right.

-He likes doing that, doesn't he?

-The stadium's just down there.

Oh, right. Nice one, man.

Well, I'd best be off then.

Oi! I thought I told you, darling, hands off the mammoth.

Speed your hooves, man.

So, if King Stenchwang's going to be at the Hairy Fizzogs' gig tonight,

we've got a reason to go after all!

But I don't think Mannitol's going to like it.

-Have they gone then?

-Yep, and we've got great news...

We know where to find King Stenchwang.

-Ha, ha, ha!

-Oh!

At the Hairy Fizzogs concert. Yay!

-I'm not going.

-Huh? Oh, really?

But think of the poor innocent plaguey people

who are relying on us for the cure.

Mmm, yes. We must put suffering before our own desires.

It's a race against time.

The quest, the quest... and only the quest.

-Mmm....

-Oh, all right then! Let's go!

QUACK!

With their every move being watched by the Jackal,

the Princes put their best foot forward

and headed off down the road.

Unfortunately Dick liked both of his feet equally

so it took him slightly longer to get going.

The road to Wemblebum was a long one,

down the great north circular path,

through the gardens of Kew Cumber,

along the Hangman's Lane leading to the great plain of Acton.

Oh, I remember when all this was just fields.

But all this is fields...

Eventually they arrived.

Oh! We're here. Wemblebum Stadium.

-Way!

-Fizzogs! Fizzogs! Fizzogs!

-Come on, Mannitol!

-Fizzogs!

Stop this at once. We're not here to see the Hairy Fizzogs.

We're here for one reason and one reason only.

-Stenchwang.

-Don't you call me that.

-No, no, there!

-Make way for King Stenchwang!

-Cover your noses.

Pffft! Pfffft!

-Can we go inside now?

-Right.

We go in, take the sweat and we get out again, right?

Yes. No sweat. No! I mean sweat. Sweat, sweat. Lots of it.

QUACK!

Coming through. Royalty here. Princes to the front.

-Not you.

-Oi!

Leave it!

-Sorry, we're closed.

-I.....Oooh!

-Four tickets to the Hairy Fizzogs, please.

-Sorry?

-Four tickets to the Hairy Fizzogs, please.

-Who?

Hairy Fizzogs.

How many?

-Four!

-Four what?

-Four tickets.

-What for?

I'll give you "what for" in a minute!

Could we have four tickets to the Hairy Fizzogs, please?

Why didn't you just say so?

-When for?

-Oh, I don't know. A week on Thursday?

For today, you idiot!

There's no need to be personal, I'm just doing my job.

But I thought your job was to sell people tickets.

-It is.

-Well, go on then.

-What?

-Four tickets to the Hairy Fizzogs, please!

All right, all right, let's have a look, shall we?

-Standing or squatting?

-Squatting!

Pffft!

Ouch!

What do you lot want? Oh, yes, of course, tickets, tickets, yes.

Um, right...

Sold out.

-We want some tickets...

-Please don't cry.

I can't stand it when you cry.

I thought they would have!

I just wanted to see the...

I admit we should get in there to see the concert,

King Stenchwang is in there after all.

And if we are going to get our hands on his sweat,

maybe there is something I could do.

What can you do, Mannitol?

You're probably pleased

because you didn't want us to go to the concert anyway!

No! I'm going to find my own way in.

-Yes, me too.

-Yes, me three.

But...

Isn't that...?

Have you got a spare ticket?

Spare ticket? Have you got a spare ticket?

Excuse me, have you got a spare ticket? Spare ticket?

Excuse me, have you got a spare ticket?

Don't even think about it, Dick!

How did he know my name?

Ah!

Patience, Jackal. Patience!

Nice weather we're having?

12 Thrumpets?

No?

12 Thrumpets, piece of string and this.

-What is that, man?

-Don't know.

Look, girly, if your name's not Dan, then you're not coming in, all right?

-Don't you mean "down"?

-Eh?

If your name's not "down"

-you're not coming in?

-No, Dan.

But...oh, fine!

That's fine.

I do not believe it, man.

Come on in, man. Let me make you a brew.

-Dom! Dom!

-Eh?

-I've got an idea.

It's not the one about your shoes made of jelly again, is it?

No, but that was a brilliant idea.

-I've thought of a way to get in to the concert.

-Right!

All we need are these posters,

something sticky and our Hairy Fizzogs teeth.

All right? My name's "Dan".

Well then you had better come in, man.

Yes!

We use the hair and the honey to disguise ourselves as Hairy Fizzogs,

-then we sneak in through the stage door. Brilliant.

-Messy.

Oh, come on! Since when when have you been scared of muck muck?

You're right. Let's do it.

Oh!

-Yes.

-On here. And the hair.

And the hair. Aha ha!

All right, girls? Nice one. Tickets, lovely.

Might see you later, yeah? Ooh, lucky. Oi, oi, oi!

I thought I'd already told you, sunshine, if your name's not "Dan"

you ain't coming in, all right? Now hop it! Hop it!

All right, fellas?

(INAUDIBLE)

Listen, shouldn't you be backstage? We'll be starting soon.

(INAUDIBLE)

Yeah, nice one. You crack me up, boys.

You really do. All right, in you go. Come on.

QUACK!

-Was that you?

-What?

-Then?

No, it was you.

The potion!

Ah...good idea.

Ha, ha, ha!

(COUGHS) Sorry.

Oi! If your name's not "Dan", you're not coming in.

What's that?

Ah, melting, man.

Whoops! Now you're a goose.

Ha, ha, ha!

NEIGH!

It's no good, Kevin, I can't sing a top A above a middle C.

Curse this plague.

How am I supposed to perform tonight if I got the voice of a goat?

I told you we should never have played Fyredor.

But oh, no, "Plague victims need music too, you know," you said.

And that audience! Did you see them?

What a sight! Half covered in pustules and boils

and the other half with snouts and trotters.

Oh, it was hideous.

At least by the time the animal symptoms appear

you're no longer contagious.

So you boys should be all right.

But, I mean, if I had to catch a plague

that turns you into an animal,

why couldn't I turn into a songbird or a pigeon?

Something with a voice? But, no.

I'm turning into a goat and I'm hungry all the time.

And I got a splinter, look at that.

Look! I tell you, I'm being punished.

Pass us that shoe,

will you? Lovely laces...

I've been baaaad... I wronged people, I know that.

I've been selfish and cruel. I mean, I know it was years ago

but I should never have sacked our lead singer.

It wasn't his fault.

We can't have a bald Hairy Fizzog, it doesn't make any sense.

You're out the band!

I'm paying for it now, I tell you.

If he was here, he could have done the gig.

Pass us them curtains, will you, Kev?

And tonight, of all nights, King Stenchwang will be stinking mad.

Go and tell the audience...the gig's off!

Yo.

Here we are. The royal box.

Let's get the sweat from King Stenchwang

and get back to the concert.

Oh, hold your nose. It's going to be stinky.

-Eh?

-Eh? King Stenchwang III?

-Yes?

-We've come to get your sweat.

Oh, not this again. This is the third time this week.

Look, if I've said it once,

I've said it 1,000 times - I am very misunderstood.

Just because my king is my name is King Stenchwang, and I rule over

Whiffy-Mamma Valley does not mean that I'm a stinky, sweaty chubster.

Well, I am a chubster but the fact remains, I do not sweat!

What? Not at all?

Not even if you're really, really worried?

Or you're really, really hot?

Or you've eaten lots and lots of curry?

No, no, no. You see, I keep roses under my armpits.

See? I must admit, the thorns were an issue

but otherwise, it works a treat.

Mmm, fragrant.

Oh, no, no. No, thank you.

I'm sorry I can't help.

But please spread the word, Stenchwang doesn't stink.

Dom, why is your face all covered in hair?

-Dick.

-All right.

-It's a long and mucky story.

Destroy them.

What is that?

Stenchwang doesn't stink.

And the concert's off.

Right, so... I suppose we should just leave.

Hey, where's Mannitol?

'Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.

'Then take them apart, then put them back together again,

'and keep doing that quite quickly.

'For the Hairy Fizzogs!

'And their lead singer,

'Mannitol, the Wizard Of Rock!'

One, two, three, four.

# You got a gross moustache and your hair is weird

# Whiskers up your nose and a grisly beard

# You haven't had a shave for 15 years

# You got bushy eyebrows and bristly ears

# You've got a hairy face but I love you

# You give me an itchy rash when I hug you

# I get a mouthful of rotting food when I kiss you

# Yeah, you got a hairy face but I love...

# You got a gross moustache and your hair is weird

# Whiskers up your nose and a grisly beard

# You haven't had a shave for 15 years

# You got bushy eyebrows and bristly ears

# You got a hairy face but I love you

# You give me an itchy rash when I hug you

# I get a mouthful of rotting food when I kiss you

# Yeah, you've got a hairy face but I love...

# You've got a hairy face but I love you. #

King of Rock! King of Rock!

-King of Rock! King of Rock!

-Mannitol!

That was amazing!

Mannitol, you are the King of Rock!

A big, sweaty, baldy king... Hang on a minute, what did I just say?

-You just said he's the king of rock.

-No, after that.

-You said he's bald.

-No, between that and that.

-I can't recall.

-No...sweaty!

-Huh?

-Huh? Sweaty King of Rock!

A sweaty king!

Yes, a sweaty king!

A big sweaty...Mannitol, the vial!

Sweaty king.

Right, um...

Yuk!

Salty.

Hey!

Just write, "To Lutin, with all my love, your best friend, Mannitol."

Oh!

Mannitol...

I can't believe you used to be a Hairy Fizzog!

Until I went bald

and the band decided they didn't want a Hairy Fizzog without any hair.

"It's not very good for our image."

So I joined the Slaphead Monkeys for a while. But that didn't work out.

Well, listen, we're sending him back to Fyredor on an emergency mule...

Which means we need a new lead singer. What do you say?

I say...no. Sorry.

-Princes Dick and Dom need me.

-Do we?

And we have to complete the quest

before the plague takes more victims like poor hairy Jim.

-Baaa!

-All right, mate.

Goodbye, Hairy Fizzogs.

-Ooh!

-Ay!

-Thank you, mate.

-Ooh!

Oh!

Manny!

-Manny! It is OK if I call you Manny, isn't it?

-No.

And, Manny, now, we've always been the best friends,

so I was wondering...

And so, Princes Dick and Dom, along with the King of Rock, Mannitol,

headed off to face new perils and dangers

on their quest to re-remake the potion.

As for Lutin, she'd clearly fallen in love with Manny.

-No.

-Ooh, you're so annoying!

-Ow!

Oh. Well, that didn't last long.

You disappoint me, Jackal.

You have failed to deliver, despite the huge bill,

and you cost quite a lot, too.

I'm sorry to have to punish you but, believe me, it is for your own good.

Next time, princes, next time...

Mm, lovely!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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