Gut Instinct The Revolting World of Stanley Brown

Welcome to the Revolting World of Stanley Brown.

Go science!

GAGS, SNEEZES

Sick.

-Stanley is the world's greatest scientist.

-Whoa!

It's just that HE doesn't know that yet.

Next-door-neighbour Jess..

and his best friend Mike.

And here's Archie!

I'm your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandson.

From the future. I'm invisible.

And I'm invisible too.

I'm Olivia - Archie's incredible robot assistant!

We've come back in time to make sure

Stanley keeps up his revolting experiments

and becomes the greatest scientist ever known.

Mum... you know you never have anything to do

on a Friday night apart from watch cookery shows like a...

bit of a loser?

Mmm-hmm?

Well, do you think you could drive me and Daisy

over to Sami Henderson's party?

Stop there. I'm already driving Stanley over to Markham tonight.

-WHAT?!

-Mm. They've drained the canal there.

Apparently "It's going to be brilliant!"

-want to come? We're leaving in half an hour?

-No, I don't want to come!

I want to go to Sami Henderson's party!

I HAVE to go to Sami Henderson's party!

Daniel's going to be at Sami Henderson's party.

Well, I'm sorry, love, but Stanley asked first, and was less insulting.

I can't believe I only found out about this today!

And just in time! They're going to refill it tomorrow!

Isn't it just some big muddy bottom?

You're kidding, right? People throw all sorts of things in a canal.

Th paper said last time they drained it, they found a bag of teeth!

Wow. And I bet they just threw that away.

I know! Plus they've got toxic chemicals, diseases,

and bits of mud that act like quicksand.

Revolting! And there might even be a BODY! Hey, you should come!

Oh, I really wish I could. But I don't want to.

Well, it's going to be ace.

Plus, I've got a funny feeling something amazing's going to happen today.

Why?

PLAYS HUNTING CALL

Happy Great Stanley Day, everyone!

Oh, no reason. Maybe something someone said.

Has been saying. All week.

BEEPING

Oh, shush! It's not like I've told him the exact details.

I haven't said, "At precisely 8pm tonight you discover..." ARRGH!

Yeah... Thanks for stopping me revealing details of the future,

but perhaps you could just beep or flash or something next time?

BEEPING

So, what do you think's going to happen?

I don't know...maybe I get bitten by a giant mutant worm that turns me

into some kind of GENETIC SUPERFREAK?

You think that would be amazing?

Yeah?! You've never wanted a friend that's half worm?

-No.

-You're weird.

Hey, guys. Do you need a hand?

Oh, hi, Mike!

PLAYS HUNTING CALL

I'm going wish you Happy Great Stanley Day,

even though you can't see or hear me, as if you could,

apparently that would "destroy the future" too.

Although, maybe if I...

FURIOUS BLEEPING

Whatevs!

Oh, Stan, I just put a platter of egg sandwiches in your kitchen.

-Is that cool?

-I wouldn't use the word "cool".

-But it's fine. What's the deal?

-Mum brought them home from a wedding.

Says she won't go shopping until we finish them.

I need help! They're all I've eaten in two days!

Ohhh...! Food that isn't an egg sandwich...!

Give me the apple! Arggggghhhh!

-Say "Sorry, Jess."

-Sorry, Jess!

So that's how we get to go out, whilst Stanley stays home a loser.

-You clear?

-Absolutely!

-Really?

-No. I didn't understand it, at all!

DAISY...! There's no time to go over it again.

When I shout, just bring Mum to the shed, OK?

-OK.

-Really?

-What was the bit about the shed again?

-That'll have to do.

Supersonic skateboard, pants, socks... The usual.

So what did YOU get for Great Stanley Day?

Hey, this looks brilliant!

It says there's a special fish rescue team and everything.

-Who said canals were boring?

-Me.

Er... I think you may wish to sniff the other way.

What?

I, um... trumped.

-I'll call you back.

-Did you? I didn't hear anything. Oohh!

-Sorry!

-Ugh!

-It's a silent, but violent! Mute, but acute!

Noiseless, but I wish I was noseless!

It's like the ghost of a dead skunk, trod in dog poo, then threw up.

It's AMAZING!

Don't waft it back here!

Urrgh! Or here!

Waft it here!

Bet the bottom of the canal smells like that!

Why are the quietest always the stinkest?

Well, I think we can help you here. OLIVIA!

OLIVIA: Beefs, blow-offs, butt-burps - whatever you call them, we all do them.

-FARTING SOUND

-It was the corgi!

-Oh, ma'am, we all know I pulled your finger.

The parp sound is bubbles of gas leaving your intestines

via the hole in your bottom.

The bigger the bubbles, the bigger the vibrations on the way out,

so the louder the sound.

Most trumps are made up of gases that we swallow when we eat.

These are mostly odourless, and form large bubbles at room temperature.

Good for trumpeting, not so good for gassing your mates.

But, depending on what you've been eating,

gas can also be produced by bacteria in your guts -

and these gases AREN'T odourless.

They form bubbles that are usually too small to cause loud noises,

but rate really high on the stench-o-meter.

Cool!

COMMENTATOR: Roo-uu-nn-dd one!

Aa-aa-aand in the red corner, it's...

FARTS LOUDLY ..Thunderpants!

He's a real heavyweight -

packed full of nitrogen and carbon dioxide.

He's loud and proud,

but what kind of sticky punch is he packing?

Up against him in the blue corner,

it's super-featherweight Silent-but-Deadly.

He's teeny-tiny,

but he's got a high concentration of sulphur-containing compounds.

How will he do against Big Brap's trouser trumpets?

Oh! And the little guy lands a knock out blow-off!

Can we open a window?

Oh, oh, it's coming over... It's... Oh!

I've got to run, folks!

Uh-oh, I think another one's coming.

-Afternoon, nerds.

-Word up, airhead.

Ugh, this place stinks!

Eeeeeehhhh...!

Is there air coming out of his head? What's wrong with him?

He saw your face? Or he's trying to hold in a trump.

-We just can't tell at this point.

-What are you doing here?

I found some mouldy beans

in the fridge and thought you might want them. Do you?

Urg, manky!

-Oooh, manky!

-NO, STANLEY, DON'T!

-Don't what?

-Don't pour those beans over me!

-Why would I do that?

Why do I have to come back to the shed again? Um.... Give me a minute.

Stanley, I can't believe you did this to me!

You're framing me!

Respect.

-Hey, Stanley. You've "bean" framed.

-WHAT is going on here?

-Got it!

Steph just poured mouldy beans over herself then blamed Stanley,

so he'll get grounded and you can take us to Sammi Henderson's!

Did I get that right?

I see. Steph, don't do that again.

Stanley, I'll see you by the front door in about ten minutes.

Arrrhh!

Finally! Here we go.

-MAKES GRUNTING NOISES

-Oh, no! It's stuck!

Stan! You'll miss the big empty canal!

Words I never thought I'd say.

Mum, my social life depends on this party.

-You have to change your mind and say you'll take me.

-Oh, go on then.

-Really!?!

-No!

Oh, love, sometimes you just have to accept you can't get what you want.

No matter how many baked beans you rub into your front.

-I wasn't going to rub in any more.

-Good. You're learning.

DOORBELL Who's that?

Well, it's not Daisy. She's locked in the cupboard under the stairs.

-Terri?

-Manda!

HOWLS UNCONTROLLABLY

Dear, dear, what happened?

It's... It's Dave!

I came home and he was just... gone.

Oh, dear, but, uh... I thought your boyfriend was called Iain?

-Da... Dave is my goldfish.

-STEPH SNORTS

WAS... my goldfish. Because now he's...DEAD!

SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

Who has a goldfish called Dave?

I did.

But not anymore!

Oh...Dave...!

BLOWS NOSE NOISILY

RESUMES SOBBING

-But...?!

-I'm sorry, love. We're not going anywhere for a while.

I can't leave her like that.

Who left these egg sandwiches there?

Oh. Mike.

-Strange child.

-But, Mum, we HAVE to go NOW!

-I think the future of the world depends on it.

-Really? Like...how?

Sorry, Stanley. My lips are sealed.

Apart from maybe to eat an egg sandwich.

I don't know yet. Can't we just leave her?

We're going to need some more tissues.

There's enough tears in there to fill a goldfish bowl.

-SOBS REDOUBLE

-Sorry!

No. She's my oldest friend. Steph, back me up.

-If that was Daisy really upset would you leave her?

-In a heartbeat.

I said no. We're going to wait until she cheers up.

How long'll that take? It'll be dark soon!

I don't know. I mean,... not long. It's only a goldfish.

Manda? Are you coming back soon?

I'm just, I'm so aloooone...

..without Daaaave!

-TERRI:

-Oh, thank you.

-So... still no trump?

-Nah.

And you're fine about that?

Yeah.

S'brave.

What? Why?

-Well, you know what happens when you hold one in.

-Yeah.

-No?

-Right.

Well...

It's nothing to be worried about, really.

I mean, there was what happened to Danny Burgess,

but that's gotta be rare.

Danny Burgess? From the year above?

Yeah. He held in one too many in Mr Wilson's class.

The gas built up inside his body...

it gave him a fat leg, and that's how he ended up on crutches.

But I'm sure it'll probably be reabsorbed into your bloodstream...

Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

..travel round your body and then come out of your mouth.

Out of your... Like a burp?

Tastes pretty nasty, apparently. But...

what's a weekend's solid tooth-brushing? I mean...

at least if that happens you know you're not going to...

you know, rupture anything.

HOWLING

-Did... that sound like Mike to you?

-Why would Mike be screaming?

-Because he's hanging out with Jess, alone in the shed?

-Fair point.

First things first.

We have to get rid of mum's drama queen mate before she settles in

for a night of wailing about her dead pet fish. Any thoughts?

Oh, yes. Dave's a strange name for a fish.

OK, so, our options are to get rid of teary Terri by scaring her away,

grossing her out, or infecting her with athlete's foot.

I cannot see how using any of these tactics could possibly backfire.

Very interesting.

HE GASPS

OK, this isn't as bad as it looks.

Isn't it? What are you looking at?

Cos I'm watching you on your own in your room

planning an attack on Mum's best friend

with a jar of rancid sock juice.

Hah! Wrong! He's not alone. I'm here too! Otherwise...bang on.

Well... if you put it like that it does sound a bit mean.

-Don't tell Mum?

-Don't worry. I want rid of Terri, too.

No one's going anywhere with her wailing on.

What you're doing is a great idea. Carry on.

So... Steph thinks these are great ideas.

-We may need to re-think.

-Yep.

OK, the plan is still to get rid of her, but in a less horrible way.

To cheer her up, so she does go home, instead of scaring her away.

OK. Plan!

So how do you cheer someone up. Quickly?

Buy her a puppy, make her laugh, feed her chocolate.

Feed her chocolate puppy till she laughs!

-I was thinking more be a bit supportive.

-Nah...! Olivia?

OK. Well, scientists have found that eating chocolate

can increase the production of brain chemicals

that create a sense of well-being,

and an ability to ignore the fact that it's rotting your teeth.

But they aren't sure why this happens.

It could be caused by the chemicals in chocolate -

there are over 300, including small amounts of caffeine,

the thing in coffee that makes you feel alert - and phenylethylamine -

one of the chemicals your body makes when it falls in love.

Or it could simply be that we just like eating chocolate

and that's why it makes us feel happier.

This would explain why stroking dogs, and laughing,

can also help improve people's moods.

They're just things that people like doing!

Mmm-num-num-num, chocolate...!

We're going to need chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

What we've GOT, is egg sandwiches.

I guess those'll have to do. Will these do?

-Depends how much she likes egg sandwiches.

-It's worth a shot.

But let's zhoosh 'em up a bit.

-Ah, radishes, salami.

-Yum!

-Spring onions.

-Yes.

-Broccoli.

-My favourite!

-Pepper. Pickled gherkins!

-Urgh!

And in case the egg sandwiches DON'T work...

-What is that anyway?

-I don't know.

Maybe there's like a reverse burp procedure,

like with a baby, only backwards.

So maybe if I go upside down, and you rub my tummy...

Cos that's really going to happen. Try shaking it loose.

What about dancing?

But I can't dance!

RADIO: '..the news at 2 o'clock...'

Especially not to the news.

It doesn't matter what to.

You need to shake out that trapped wind before it pops your insides.

Uh, try the twist!

No, no that's not working. The Macarena?

Tell you what, try River Dance.

So, we've got egg and onion, egg and radish or egg,

cold beans and broccoli. Enjoy!

So, what do you call a fish with no eyes?

A "fsh"!

No? Hee, hee, that's the spirit!

He had really lovely eyes, my Dave..

Oh! Maybe not the best joke choice.

Tell you what, try this.

Close your eyes...

Stroke...

Stroke...

That's it. Isn't it soft and fluffy?

Doesn't it make you happy?

Aw... It feels just like a little puppy. Argh, mould!

Stanley Brown! Stop that immediately!

It's almost a dog!

It's warm and furry and you can take it for walk...

if you want.

Why are you torturing Terri?

I'm trying to cheer her up.

-Really.

-Really?

Yeah! With the power of science!

That is... so nice.

Well, I may not approve of your methods,

but I can see you're trying to be nice love and I'm sorry I shouted.

That's OK. It didn't work, anyway.

Science let me down.

Never say such things!

Well, it's not all bad.

I've sold Terri this brightening eye tonic, far too expensive

and I thought we could use the money on a taxi

and Steph could take you to the canal.

How's that sound?

As you can see we're just passing the canal's famous huge

pulsating clump of worms,

followed by the rare sight of a giant mutant crab

attacking the specialist fish rescue team.

And if you turn your attention to our right,

you'll see a rotting sheep's head.

This is...

..brilliant!

What? No way has he been nice to Terri!

Oh, he has! He let her feel his mould,

in a good way.

Cos he wanted to get rid of her!

This is what else he was going to do.

To get rid of teary Terri by scaring her away, grossing her out,

or infecting her with athlete's foot.

I see. Stanley, you're grounded!

But I didn't actually do any of that!

Nobody likes me.

The only one who ever liked me was Dave!

Do not laugh.

No, Terri, don't be silly, Terri come on, no, look.

Don't be silly. We all like you.

I like you and the kids like you.

They just also like disused canals that's all.

-I don't!

-Steph, you're a total bum face.

A total bum face who's going to Sami Henderson's party by taxi,

-I think you'll find.

-Uh-huh. You are not going to Sami Henderson's party.

And she doesn't deny you're a total bum face.

Look, will everyone just stop saying total bum face?!

Total bum face.

Sorry, I just wanted to know what it was like to say it.

Neither of you are going anywhere.

I cannot believe the horrible way you've behaved today.

You're both grounded.

Is it working?

Let's see.

Well?

It's the same.

But that's good, isn't it?

Well, it depends what you think of the alternatives.

Parp breath... rupture...

Jess! You've got to help me! What can we do?

Well...

Do you remember when my tarantula escaped

and Stanley said that sometimes fear can make you parp?

-Yeah?

-Well... why don't we scare the trapped trump out of you?

How are we going to do that?

Brilliant! Carry on!

You can stop dancing now!

HE FARTS

That is so childish.

HE FARTS AGAIN

Oh, was that someone at the door?

No, it's Stanley's bum!

HE FARTS AGAIN

OK, Stanley, maybe you should go to your room.

SHE FARTS

Oh, sorry. Oh, did someone drop something on the floor?

SHE FARTS AGAIN Oh, pardon, no. Oh, dear.

Maybe you should go to your room?

Oh, me again. I'm so sorry.

There, there. SHE FARTS

Pardon me!

Oh, oh that smells bad!

Oh, I feel a sick!

Me too! But, uh, I sort of feel better, too!

Weird!

It must be cos they're giggling!

Oh! That's a really bad one!

Sorry. The time travel makes it worse.

Laughing at the trumps has raised your endorphin levels,

-cheering you right up!

-Finally!

Go science!

HE FARTS

Oh, that is so gross!

Why are we all like this?

Mike kept trumping after eating these

and then I zhooshed them up with other stuff.

Did I make some kind of mega parp sandwich?

Sort of. You see Stanley, some foods are more wind-inducing than others.

Some produce smell, some volume.

Meat and eggs are good for producing smell,

because they're rich in sulphur, which causes production

of whiffy gases, methane, and hydrogen sulphide.

Whereas fruit and vegetables, particularly beans, broccoli,

and onions, are good for volume and sound. Bang!

They contain sugars that are tough for our body to digest.

When they arrive mostly undigested in your intestines,

your bacteria go wild, devour them

and produce lots and lots of gas as a result.

Put bottom-burp-inducing foods like these together,

ideally with some air you've swallowed whilst eating and drinking

and you've got a recipe for the perfect parp!

You made the Stanley Brown Blow Off Butty, Mark One!

-Brilliant!

-Happy First Great Stanley Day!

So, this was the big discovery I was meant to make?

It's nothing to do with the canal?

Thigh high quicksand's exciting, but it's not going to save the world.

My great blats save the world? Really?

You won't be saying that in 2557.

-No, because I'll be dead.

-Fair point.

But if you weren't, you'd see the Blow Off Butty Mark 10,

be classified as the most lethal dish in all the world!

The mere threat of its use causes global disarmament

and lasting world peace!

Leading to the day of its invention being declared forever,

Great Stanley Day!!!

It's not working, Jess. Take cover!

I'm going to explode!

Soon. But before I do...

I just want to say, thanks.

Even if I end up like Danny Burgess, you've really been there for me.

No problem.

I should never have held in that trump.

I should have just let rip in front of Steph.

Oh, I'm kicking myself, with my soon-to-be fat leg.

Oh, Mike, I was winding you up!

Holding in blats doesn't cause you any harm, OK? It's a myth.

-Is it?

-Yes.

You might get a tummy ache, but they come out when you go to sleep.

They will? But, Danny Burgess, the crutches?

Skiing.

He blew off at the top of a mountain, caused an avalanche.

-Really?!

-Again, no!

Thanks, Manda and Stanley, and Steph.

I do appreciate you all being there for me in this sad time.

No problem. Safe journey!

-SHE FARTS

-Oh!

Well I don't know if it was all those endorphins

that Stanley was on about, but I'm not annoyed with you two now.

Do you fancy going out? I can take one of you,

then get the eye tonic taxi for the other?

You know what, Mum? I think I'll stay here. Save the world.

But I thought going to see an empty canal was going to save the world?

I know! It's funny how things turn out, innit?

SHE FARTS

I hope your sister's coming out with me,

cos I don't think this house

is going to take us dropping clangers like this.

If I try combining the egg and pickled onion

with a lemonade mayonnaise, and then maybe a bean garnish...

The Blow Off Butty Mark Two.

Come on then, Steph.

SHE FARTS

I'm not sure I'm in the mood anymore, Mum!

-Steph! It's you!

-Steph, it's you!

-Steph it's...

-SHE FARTS

-Urgh.

-It's urgh!

-I might just stay home with you and watch that nice cookery show.

-OK.

SHE FARTS Umm, best open a window.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd