Pain The Revolting World of Stanley Brown

-Welcome to the Revolting World of Stanley Brown.

-Go science!

Achoo!

-Sick.

-Stanley is going to be the world's greatest scientist.

-Wow!

It's just that he doesn't know that yet.

This is his next-door neighbour Jess

and his best friend Mike.

And here's Archie.

I'm your great-great-great-great- great-great-great-grandson

from the future.

-I'm invisible.

-And I'm invisible too.

I'm Olivia, Archie's incredible robot assistant.

We've come back in time to make sure that Stanley keeps up

his revolting experiments and becomes the greatest scientist ever known.

Perfect, flawless, 25th-century skin,

not a boil or blemish.

It's rubbish!

All I want is a solitary pimple.

They look brilliant but I've got nothing.

Oh, why can't I catch a break or even some kind of horrible

pustule-causing disease?

HE WEEPS

-Ta-dah!

-Don't tell me - it's a mini Jacuzzi.

An upside-down lampshade?

A giant cake tin?

This is your fault, Stanley Brown. When your future self invents

the face-washing pillow, it makes spots all but extinct.

I've never even seen one, let alone squeezed one,

I hope you're proud of yourself.

-Can't really talk right now.

-Fine, don't tell me what it is then.

No, no, wait!

This is the Dizzy Buster.

This is going to teach me everything I need to know about dizziness.

Why not just go to the fair? It's coming tomorrow.

This is because the fair's coming tomorrow,

-don't want a repeat of last year's chunder-pocalypse.

-The what now?

I threw up in the whirling teacups and on the dodgems,

and on the carousel, and on Mum.

Oh, it was so embarrassing.

So this time I'll be used to spinning.

-Fair enough, sounds like a plan.

-And here's another plan.

I'm going to get my own spot to squeeze if it's the last thing I do!

Olivia, with me.

Just...rats.

-Hey, guys, guess what day it is.

-Tuesday?

No.

Well, yes, but also no.

Today I turn 12 and a half.

I'm finally old enough to join the junior marines.

Yay(!) Woo!

That's amazing news, Mike.

Why not celebrate rotating by at enormous speed?

I mean, why celebrate when you can celeb-rotate?

What, what, what?

But I've got to practise for the junior marines aptitude test.

And there's no kind of practice that can't be improved

by spinning wildly on a podium.

I can't, my neck has to be completely not broken,

and also I need to tell you about my great idea.

Why? We talked about this, I'm the one who does the ideas.

No, listen. I thought you could join too.

We could both be junior marines. Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Um...

Thanks for thinking of me, Mike, but I have to work on my dizzy training.

But I'm always doing your stuff. I just thought it'd be fun

for you to do my stuff.

I'll join the marines. It actually sounds OK.

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, please, Stanley.

-I said I'll do it. You don't need him.

-What?

-Um, you're a girl?

A girl.

Wow, you know, I'd forgotten that(!) Now you've said, I can't believe

I was stupid enough to think I could do something like this.

Come on, Jess, we didn't mean...

No, no, it's fine. The only thing I'll be good for is sitting here,

knitting and eating chocolates.

Tell you what, Mike, I'll really think about it. Now, hop on.

-I can't risk getting hurt.

-I promise I won't hurt you.

-Have you tested it on a dummy?

-I always test on a dummy.

MACHINE WHIRS

Eurrrhhhh...

CRASH!

You promised you wouldn't hurt me.

I didn't. The table hurt you when you crashed into it.

I don't want to hear it.

Next week I could've been in the junior marines.

You took my dreams, revolved them too fast and threw them across the shed.

-But...

-Forget it. I'm out of here.

-Are you still going?

-Yeah.

This is me storming off.

And this is me slamming the door in your face.

Sorry, can you slam it for me?

Look, Mike, I'm really sorry, yeah?

Yeah? Well, sorry's not going to fix my broken leg.

So how about I fix it?

No, no, no...

Oh!

-You can't fix it, zit killer.

-OK.

Look, I'm sorry about my future self wiping out all the spots,

must have been having an off-day. But you've got to help me do this.

Bones just fix themselves.

-Like toilets.

-Toilets don't fix themselves.

-Yes they do.

They do in the future. Remind me to pop back to your bathroom later on,

might need some very strong glue.

-Hey, at least they flush themselves. I'd better go.

-Wait!

So, how do I fix Mike's leg?

HE SIGHS

Just wait. Your body's always mending bits of your bones anyway,

filling in little cracks, taking away damaged bits.

Wow, so, bones do, like, DIY.

Hi, I'm Matt Marrow, your DIY guy.

Whoa, just broken my arm there. How we going to fix that, Matt?

A power drill? No way. Oh!

A glue gun? Get out of here!

To fix this you just hold the broken bones together and wait.

See, bone's alive, the cells inside can eat broken bits of bone

and make brand-new bone to join it back together.

And it only takes six weeks. What?!

Six weeks? Guys, go to commercials and get me a doctor.

Where's that glue gun?

-So I've got zero chance of fixing it?

-Hey, don't be so negative.

You've got a...

2 billion, 532 million, 843:1 chance of fixing it.

It's worth a shot.

Is it?

Is it really?

Come on, Mike, this is full of calcium.

It's really good for bones, it'll make you heal faster.

-And I'll be better for the junior marines test?

-Yes.

-No!

Maybe. Is it in over six weeks' time?

-It's next week!

-Well, we'll see.

Let's get this broccoli down you!

He'll need vitamin D too, from stuff like fish and eggs,

to help his body absorb the calcium.

Oh, why isn't this working?

I thought eating chocolate would give me spots the size of my head

but this is my sixth bar and so far...

WHIRRING

Nothing!

Eggs and fish.

-Stan, this isn't going to work, is it?

-No.

I don't think I can fix you in time for the test.

-Suppose I'll wait till next year. At least you still get to join.

-What?

-If you're not joining I'm definitely not joining.

-It's OK, really.

I'll be fine knowing that you're out there being a junior marine,

keeping us all safe,

by abseiling and doing obstacle courses.

You know I'd love to, but I have the Dizzy Buster to crack.

Fine. What do I have to do?

-Daisy!

-Steph!

What do you think?

Well, the other day I was thinking, "Why don't we get banana jam?"

-Then I thought, "What would a badger look like in a wig?"

-No!

About my hair! Honestly, I am in love with my new do.

I sent it a card and everything. I'll look so hot in the fashion show

and you know who's going to be there, don't you?

-You?

-Well, yeah, obviously.

But also the talent scout for the model agency.

They're on the look-out for the next top model.

-It's like that TV show...

-Britain's Next Top Model?

No, Autumnwatch.

Still on the badger - sorry.

I think the talent scout will find who he's looking for.

-Oh, right, so who do you think?

-Me! Oh, do you know what?

I am way too hot for you today.

Steph, what's that on your nose?

Er, it's called make-up. Maybe you should try it. Call me.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, Mum!

Cereal? I thought you were on that stupid low-carb diet.

No, it's not cereal. It's pork scratchings.

No carbohydrates, just meat and pig fat. And I can eat as much as I like

and the weight is just supposed to fall off.

Bit like my sales figures are doing.

People keep cancelling beauty appointments. It's like nobody

-wants to listen to a word I say.

-Mum, does my nose look red to you?

-Steph, I'm trying to talk about my career here.

-Yeah, Mum, I get it.

But this red thing on my nose?

I think it might be a spot.

-I don't believe it.

-I know. I don't want to believe it either.

You'll be there for me, won't you, Mum?

Mum?

No-one said it had to grow on MY face to be my spot.

Gosh, you look so manly spinning in that thing, Stanley(!)

Manly Stanley and Jess in a dress.

Yeah, I think I can get used to doing this

and practise for Mike's junior marine test at the same time.

I mean...

..how hard can it be?

Oh... Whoa.

Well, here he hobbles.

Stanley, why are you lying on the ground?

-You're supposed to be training.

-I am.

I was...mid sit-up.

-HE GROANS

-110!

I can't wait to see manly Stanley in uniform.

OK, well, listen up, marine - great news.

-My dad says he'll come round and help you train.

-Your dad?

But I thought he was in the jungle.

Yeah, he was. But he came back to help me prepare for my test,

but now I'm walking wounded, he says he'll help you instead.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

What's the deal with Mike's dad? You silly boys!

His name's Colonel Crawford.

He once captured an enemy camp armed only with a breadstick.

He's got really high standards. And he's got a scary-shaped head.

And the best bit is, he'll be round in a couple of hours.

Till then I've got some basic junior marines stuff for you to practise.

INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS

14 seconds.

What's wrong with you people? Can't you just read a book or something?

Tell me, honestly...

What do you think?

Don't hold back. Just let it all out.

Were you talking to me or the spot? Because that baby's good to go.

-It's like a pus volcano ready to erupt!

-Hold back, hold back!

Do you know what, sometimes I am this close to un-friending you.

I have to get rid of the spot before the fashion show,

or I'll be Britain's Next Spot Model.

An actual real spot

in the flesh!

Switch to super-macro for a close-up. Tell me everything.

Zits.

They're everyone's favourite pus-filled, greasy skin volcanoes,

but what are they?

The skin has thousands of tiny hair follicles,

and each has a gland which produces a kind of oil,

to lubricate and waterproof the hair.

The thing is, human's no longer have hairy faces

so human teenagers just get a greasy face

and when the pores get blocked by bits of skin,

they fill up with oil,

making the bacteria on your skin throw a massive oily pool party,

creating a delicious yellow balloon of pus just bursting to...

OK.

Yes, well, I could just about squeeze you in at two... Oh, three?

Yes, well, I could just about squeeze you in at three as well.

Brilliant. See you then.

Ha-ha-ha!

Finally! I didn't think I'd manage to get an appointment today.

I need to do a good pitch. Hey, I should practise on you two.

-Uh-uh. I have to get rid of this spot.

-No!

Please, because if this appointment goes well, then somebody might

get a nicer dress to wear to the fashion show.

Something really stinks round here.

She wants to get rid of it?! What is she thinking?!

That pus mine's a gold mine!

Olivia, we have to save that zit!

Hello, and welcome to a whole new world of cosmetics.

This is the handy hand cream,

and this is the hibiscus heel healer.

Oh, there you go again, worrying about your spot! It will go.

Now just sit on your hands and hear about this.

Hydra, the harmless hair hygiene hydrator.

Oh... I'm terrible, aren't I? Nobody seems to want to listen to me.

No, it's just that you're... You're great.

I just need to go have a lie down.

Um, but...

Oh, her breath stinks! It doesn't normally smell like that.

I can still taste it. Can I borrow your toothbrush?

No, don't be disgusting.

Compared to what's lurking in there, nothing is disgusting.

We need a plan.

Tell her her breath reeks like an open sewer.

No! You can't say that to someone.

Imagine if somebody said something like that to you.

INDISTINCT VOICES

-We can't! It will destroy her!

-I know. So what are we going to do?

Run away.

-OK, so your fitness - not brilliant...

-Mike.

But I'm sure you'll make up for it with your mental toughness

and physical endurance.

-Now, let's see you hang off that beam.

-Mike, I can't, I.. I...

There's no "I" in team.

No, but there's a "U"... Get out of my shed.

-What?

-It's in the middle of out.

-Oh.

-I've had enough.

I've got some revolving to do.

Where are you going?

BEEPING

Stanley Brown gives up at the first hurdle.

-I'm not giving up.

-That's what it looks like from here.

In fact, it looks like you're a quitter.

BEEPING STOPS

I'm not a quitter. Right, Jess?

Sorry, I don't understand your manly words.

-You don't seem to be talking about lip gloss.

-Come on, guys.

You know I don't give up, right?

I always find a way through, whatever the problem.

In fact...

I do always come through, and that's what I'm going to do right now.

I'm going to impress your dad, Mike,

and then I'm going to make it as a junior marine!

Yes. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Now, hang off that beam!

So the plan is we hide up here

-till Mum's realised her breath has turned to evil.

-What if she doesn't?

-What if she never realises?

-She has to!

It'll start melting her shampoo bottles sooner or later.

Help me sort this spot before the show.

Or everyone'll be thinking,

"What's that girl doing balancing a tennis ball on her nose?"

Phew! It's still there.

Now, to make it grow up big and strong

we need to feed it with grease.

Squeezy cheese sauce.

HE CHUCKLES

Cheesy!

Archie? You've got to help me.

Stanley, have you seen the disgusting swollen pus sack?

Not recently. She's entering a fashion show or something.

You've got to help me find a way to keep going. I'm exhausted.

But the festering pimple!

Forget about Steph. We need to find a way to give me some energy.

OK, boys, listen up.

To keep moving, your body burns fuel to create energy,

and your muscles run on glucose,

so your body makes glucose out of something called glycogen,

which is stored in your liver and muscles.

But if those stores run out, boys, you run out of gas.

This is what athletes call "hitting the wall".

The best way to make more glycogen is to eat a balanced diet,

foods like almonds, rice and porridge contain complex carbohydrates

that your body can turn into glycogen in less than two hours.

Two hours?! But I haven't got two hours, Mike's dad's on his way.

There must be a quicker way to get fuel into my muscles.

-What is glucose, anyway?

-I think it's some kind of sugar.

So I could just eat loads of sugar!

That'd give me energy straight away, wouldn't it?

I don't know, sugar might make your teeth fall out.

-When I'm a junior marine I can buy new ones.

-And it might not work.

Has that ever stopped us before?

Jelly beans!

Cola!

Liquorice!

Mints!

Oh, mince!

-These.

-That'll work.

-No, these.

-Oh, icing sugar!

Put the icing sugar in the cola.

Brilliant!

How do you feel? Has it worked?

I feel...

-Everybody down!

-Argh!

-Ha-ha, got you!

-Is that Harry?

Amanda, Kim says hi.

Stanley, right?

Well, Stanley, you just lost the element of surprise,

-a soldier's most valuable weapon.

-What about a tank?

Good point, his second most valuable weapon.

-Is that a breadstick?

-Yeah.

OK, so surprise is his third most valuable weapon, after tanks

and after breadsticks. Good start, marine!

Stanley, I heard shouting. Is my dad here?

-Oh, hey, Dad.

-Michael, still broken and useless?

-He's been helping me train for the test, sir.

-That's my job!

And the best way to do that is to give you some combat experience.

-So what we're going to do is see how long you can survive.

-OK.

-While I hunt you down, like a dog!

-Right...

Run!

It's really gone down, you can hardly see it.

Argh!

I was holding back, like you said.

Shame your spot didn't.

Great wonders of the universe!

It's magnificent!

Could it be ready for just one tiny squeeze?

-Coming through!

-Watch it!

Yeah, don't come between a man and his dream pustule! Now then...

Oh!

Wow, squeezing spots is harder than the history books say.

Still, nothing to stop us now.

Steph, did Mike's dad just come through here?

-Ugh, I'm melting!

-Yeah.

Oh, hello Daisy.

What was that stink?

Olivia, analyse.

Oh, phew-eee!

Your body uses carbohydrates to make glucose for energy.

But if a person is on a carb-free diet, eating just meat and veg,

their body will turn their fat into energy instead.

The bad news is, turning fat straight into energy

increases the acid in your blood, so the body tries to get rid of the acid

by breathing it out through your lungs,

giving you eye-meltingly tasty acid breath. Ah!

-Oh, Stanley. You're still upright.

-Oh, yeah.

Found a brilliant way of giving myself loads of energy.

Great. That's great. Unless of course you just ate loads of sugar.

What's wrong with eating loads of sugar?

I wouldn't know, I'm just a girl, after all.

Sugar's something I read, not eat. I think it gives you a sugar rush,

-so you get loads of energy really quickly.

-Oh, tell me about it!

Yeah, but it also runs out really quickly in a...

Now what's it called? Oh, yeah.

A sugar crash.

Where's Stanley? Dad's coming!

Uh-oh.

-Stanley? Stanley, get up!

-Sugar crash.

-Jess, you've got to help him.

Little me? Oh, I wouldn't know how. Also I might break a nail.

They're strawberry milkshake.

Please, Jess, don't make me beg.

Come on! I've got nothing. I need you.

I can't, Stanley. I have to go and make cupcakes.

Good luck.

Jess?

You are without a doubt the meanest, most stubborn vicious person

I have ever met in my life.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Come on, I've got an idea.

Drop it, Colonel Sir Mike's dad. I've got a hostage.

Got your own baked goods, eh?

You learn quickly, marine. But have you got the guts to use it?

Take another step and you'll find out.

Well, looks like we've got ourselves a stalemate,

unless one of us can throw a breadstick so well

he could hit a French fancy at 15 metres,

which I can!

Sugar crash.

What's going on here? This man has got no energy.

But we've got plenty.

You? But you're busted. And she's just a girl.

Wow! Nice shot!

Oh, Harry, hi.

Oh, your breath stinks!

Oh! That must be why people have been running away from me all day,

but nobody said.

Oh, thank you, you lovely man. That's very thoughtful of you.

Oh, I better go!

Um, has anyone got a mint?

See you!

HE GASPS

Finally, you are mine.

Ow, my nose!

Woo-hoo! I squeezed a spot! I squeezed a spot!

-Puss on my face cos I squeezed a spot!

-Whoa!

Stanley, the remote!

Oh, yes. Oh, very good.

Oh, hey...

-No!

-Wait! This means I get to go to the fashion show.

-Yes!

-Oh, no!

Give that here.

Hang on, Dad, I'll stop this thing.

Are you OK, Dad?

I have never...

..been so impressed by a candidate in all my born days.

Well done, Stan.

Well-trained, Mikey boy.

I'm proud of you. Yeah.

-I feel a bit...

-HE GAGS

-Ow!

-CRASH!

He'll be all right. He's tough.

You see how great we are when we work together?

-Told you there's no "I" in team.

-But there's a "you"...

in "You two are my best mates."

HE GROANS

-No.

-What are you doing?

It's our turn to help you now, mate.

Only an hour till you have to be at the fair.

Let's get you immune to dizziness.

Guys...

Guys, stop it!

Aaaaarrrggghh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd