Night of the Living Virus The Revolting World of Stanley Brown

Welcome to The Revolting World Of Stanley Brown.

Go science!

Achoo!

Sick!

Stanley is going to be the world's greatest scientist.

Whoa!

It's just that he doesn't know that yet.

This is his next door neighbour, Jess.

And his best friend Mike.

Oh, and here's Archie.

I'm your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, grandson, from the future.

I'm invisible.

And I'm invisible too. I'm Olivia, Archie's incredible robot assistant.

We've come back in time to make sure that Stanley

keeps up his revolting experiments

and becomes the greatest scientist ever known.

Yo! Hello, future film fans!

I'm Archie Brown and I'm bringing you an exclusive look

behind the scenes of...

Night Of The Living Virus.

ARCHIE CLEARS HIS THROAT

In there, Stanley Brown's hard at work

on one of the most disgusting movies ever made.

And we're about to check out the action on set. Although...

SShh, we can't let him know we're filming.

Don't want to disturb a genius at work!

Or disturb the space time continuum. Whatevs.

Come on!

What was that!?

Sorry!

Don't know...next door's cat?

Anyway, come on, try again!

That's it! That's great. Hold on, let me measure it.

BUBBLE POPS

Mike! Can you at least try to blow proper bubbles?

Sorry. Why are you measuring my bubbles anyway?

Because I think they could pass for globules of deadly virus puss,

and if they do, I can put them into my new movie.

Your new movie?

Yep! I'm directing another movie.

I'm going to make it the most disgusting movie ever.

But didn't we try and make the most disgusting movie ever last week?

It wasn't disgusting enough.

Who knew a film called Once Upon A Time In A Bucket Of Slime

wouldn't be disgusting enough?!

Help! Help! Let me out! I'm in a bucket of slime!

HE SCREAMS

Oh, yeah, I remember that one.

The slime gave a great performance. Mike, not so much.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just happy hanging out...secretly filming you.

We have to make this movie even more disgusting.

It's about this virus that spreads around the world

and everybody catches it and becomes really ill.

Like that tummy bug that went round school last week?

Exactly. That's where I got the idea from.

-Remember how sick and sweaty I got?

-Yeah.

In one night I barfed up a whole bucket of sick.

-No way it was that much!

-Don't believe me?

How about...now?!

-That is gross-tastic!

-Nice of you to say so, Mike.

-So, uh... is that bucket still around?

-No.

-Mum wouldn't let me keep it.

-Oh, what a killjoy.

I know! That'd be so good for that bit in my film when everybody dies.

Oh, I love that bit!

Er...I mean...I bet I'll love that bit.

Everybody dies? That sounds a bit depressing.

Before they die they explode in a ball of purple slime.

Sounds amazing! Can I be in it?

No.

I've got something better for you.

You have got the most important job of the whole movie.

Cameraman.

Awesome! Mission accepted.

So, how do you use this thing?

Joking! Joking!

So, what about the rest of the special effects?

Are you just going to collect loads more sweat and sick?

No, that'd take too long and Mum's confiscated all of my buckets.

Instead we're going to use...

-Alien sputem!

-Mum's make-up!

Right, yeah, of course. Your Mum's make up.

Right. But won't she mind?

She won't know. We'll put it back once we've used some

to create horrible purple exploding sick people!

Look, it's all purple and disgusting anyway!

But if she does find out, she'll blow her nut. So remember...

-Watch out!

-Mum's coming.

-Stanley! What are you doing?

-Nothing. School project.

You're running out of times you can use that excuse.

That rotten cabbage was NOT a school French project.

Should have said Biology.

Why have you got a lab coat? Are you doing something disgusting?

Er, no! We're doing a fashion shoot.

It's for Art.

Oh. 80s minimalist chic. I like it.

But I'd like it even more if you did it out in the shed

because I've got these new products here I have to test

and I would like to get you two out from under my feet.

Thank you. Bye.

That was close, but I think we're OK.

We're going to make the most disgusting film EVER!

-Woohoo!

-HE LAUGHS

Up top, guys.

Don't leave me hanging.

Hoo-hoo!

Making a film and not asking me to be in it?!

That is totes unacceptable. I'm going to need to find out more.

Daisy, you're going to have to do some spying for me.

Come on!

I look well sick!

Sick!

All we need to do now is find a leading lady.

-Jess?

-She's been grounded for punching a Brownie.

And besides, she's too mouthy.

What we need is someone who'll do what we tell them.

Someone who doesn't even know what a film is.

Well, where are we going to find someone like that?

That's what I was going to say!

Daisy! What are you doing down there, you frightened...Mike.

I must've frightened you too, you've turned a funny colour!

Oh, this is just for the film I'm making.

Oh, the film. I mean, what film?

I suppose you wouldn't want to be in it, would you?

It's about saving the world from a terrible virus

that turns everybody purple before they explode and then die!

Well...I've always wanted to save the world.

You wouldn't actually have to save the world. You'd just pretend.

But if the virus really is that bad, I'm not sure pretending will help.

-No, I mean...

-Look I'll do it.

-You will?!

-If you can promise me I won't get the virus myself.

It's not real, Daisy.

I don't think you're taking this situation seriously enough, Stanley.

Let's get to work. Shall we start with you?

You do look peaky.

Hello and welcome back to my series of exclusive

Night Of The Living Virus special features.

Now, for all you fact fans out there...

OLIVIA LAUGHS

Shut up, Olivia. It so does NOT look like I'm filming myself

having a poo... Does it?

Argh!

Right. Side of the bath, side of the bath.

No.

HE FLUSHES THE TOILET

Oh, stuff this.

It's time for them to film the first scene! Come on!

Night of the Living Virus, scene three, take one.

And...action!

Dr Brainhead, did you find anything?

Dr Brainhead, what happened to you?

I guess the virus really is that infectious after all.

She's surprisingly good.

Ah, rest in peace, Dr Brainhead.

You always were the brains behind the outfit.

Cut! Perfect. A lot of intensity in that scene, Daisy.

What's going on? Who is Dr Brainhead? Whose skull is that?

And who am I playing again?

And how is this going to save the world?

Wow, she makes a potato look like Einstein.

Forget I said that. What did I say? Just ignore me. I'm not here. Who?

-What are you doing?

-What are you doing?

-Trying to act.

-Not you. We're making a film.

I think we know that, Stanley.

Wow, this is gold, keep going.

Trouble in the ranks on set.

Mike, do you mind taking Daisy outside for a second to rehearse?

-Does that mean I'm the director?!

-You're assistant director. For a bit.

Great!

Great.

Go over page 26, and line nine.

You mean..."ouch?"

Yes, but there are so many different ways to say "ouch."

Ouch.

Ouuccch.

OUCH!

Archie, I've told you. It's awkward when you talk to me

in front of my friends cos they can't see you and they think I'm weird.

-Sorry, Stanley!

-And are you filming me?

Er...yes. A bit.

It's just this project of yours, it's really exciting for me,

but I can't tell you why and I really want to film you making it,

-but I can't tell you why!

-Why?

I can't tell you. Oh, let's just talk about something else.

Hey, it's totally awesome your movie's about viruses!

It's in my top three words beginning with V,

and verrucas and vomit are only up there for sentimental reasons.

Did you know viruses are amongst the world's smallest living things?

Olivia? Show him!

That's right, Archie. Some viruses are only 20 nanometres wide.

Now, despite what you might think,

a nanometre isn't the length of someone's nan.

Although my nan is very small.

A nanometre is a billionth of a metre.

You could fit 5,000 of these little viruses

on the width of one human hair. 250,000 could fit onto an ant.

And 7 and a half trillion could fit onto Zayn from One Direction.

Not that I would want all those viruses on Zayn from One Direction.

Stay healthy, Zayn from One Direction!

And as for Liam? Yeah, not so much.

That was Dr Mole. He specialises in mole-ecular biology.

One Direction don't get silences like that after their performances.

Archie, your science is cool. But your jokes, hmm, not so much.

Well, how can I focus on being a comedian when I'm focusing on...

focusing.

So, what do you say? Can I stay and film?

OK, but don't break anything!

Oh, come on! I know I've been a little bit clumsy lately,

-like knocking over your worm farm.

-YOU knocked over my worm farm?!

Er...no, I mean it basically knocked itself over. But anyway!

I promise I won't break anything this time.

I won't even touch anything! And if I do,

you can kick me out immediately, OK?

Scout's honour.

Were you in the scouts?

No. So come on, trust me.

OK.

Great! Ooh, look, a funny animal! Oh, ain't you cute?!

Leave that, it's the microphone.

-We can be BFFs!

-ARCHIE LAUGHS

What was that?

Was it next door's cat?

I know. I'll go. It's...it's OK.

I'll just go and film something else.

I'm sure there's plenty of stuff going on

my viewers will want to watch.

Really interesting stuff. Thrilling.

So I'll just go film that. No problem.

Looking forward to it.

Right. Places, everybody!

Erm...Paris! Cornwall! My grandma's kitchen!

Daisy, just get to the first position.

-Right, same scene again please, Daisy.

-But I thought I was perfect?

It was. But I'd like it more perfect.

Come on, people!

Time is slime is money!

HE SIGHS

And...action!

Revitalising Radiance Facial Mist.

Hmm.

How would you rate this product on A - revitalisation?

Well, I think I can safely say

that no one's going to want to watch this.

OLIVIA SNORES

And...action!

No, you listen to me, Mr President!

President, isn't that a funny name, Stanley?

Stick to the lines, Daisy!

Oh!

If you panic, then the whole world panics,

and if the whole world panics the virus has won.

The virus has won what?

Just keep going!

Pull yourself together, stop weeping, we can beat this thing.

OK, await my further instructions.

Amateurs.

That's one good word for it.

I know what you're doing. You're using Mum's make up to make a film.

Daisy, how could you betray me like this?

We...we're saving the world! I just spoke to a Mr President.

-He doesn't talk much.

-Steph, don't tell Mum.

-I won't.

-Really?

On one condition. I want in.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, you weren't joking.

I'm a very committed actress!

Committed to being awful!

You massacred the school production of Oliver! last year.

They had to give everyone their money back. Two people emigrated!

And besides, why do you want to be involved, anyway?

You hate us.

Oh, Stanley, don't say that, you're my brother, I love you,

-we don't hang out enough.

-Really?

No! If I'm in your film, then I can put it on the internet

and then everyone will see it, and then I'll be spotted

and then hello, Hollywood!

Isn't that a bit unlikely?

More unlikely than everyone turning purple and exploding?

Fair point. Carry on.

If I've been in a film, I'll be the most popular girl in school.

More popular than Sally Mathers who only appeared

on X Factor cos she's the sister of a contestant.

Sorry, Steph, but...no way.

Fine. In that case I've got no option but to tell Mum

that you're making a film and you've stolen all of her make-up. See ya.

Steph, wait! Don't do that!

Right. That's basically the worst thing that could've happened.

"Superlatively Soothing Dead Sea..."

Mum! Stanley's making a film and he's stolen your make-up

and he didn't want me to tell you, I had to tell you anyway

cos he always gets away with everything and it's not fair...

-Slow down there!

-Stanley's making a film.

-Well, that's a good idea.

-WHAT?!

Well, it'll keep him out of my way. The last thing I need

is him being all loud and sciencey everywhere

while I'm trying to do my "Soothing Dead Sea Foot Scrub."

Foot scrub?!

But the film's about science!

Well, I must say,

I'm pleasantly surprised that he's decided to take up drama.

It must run in the family.

I used to be quite the actress, you know.

You used to do drama?! Oh, no! Why?!

That's like the whole of drama ruined.

Look, I know you just think that I'm an old grot bag,

but back in the day, let me tell you, I was a ...

-Slightly younger grot bags?

-..very fine young actress.

I played Juliet in the school production of Annie Get Your Gun.

I had two lines. So if Stanley wants to make a film,

then, as you young people say, LOL.

ROFL.

OMG?

Never abbreviate again.

NAA, don't you mean?

What about the fact that Stanley's borrowed all your old make up?!

Or actually stolen because if he does return it,

it'll just be covered in his own greasy face juice anyway.

Well, let me have a look.

Oh, this is fine. I could never sell this stuff anyway.

It always used to make people look like they'd been struck down

with a terrible disease. In fact, it would be great if it got used up!

-Are you going to be in Stanley's film?

-No. He won't let me.

Well, I must say, that does make sense.

I mean, darling, I love you, but you are the worst actress in the world

-and I've seen Hollyoaks.

-I made you cry in the school play!

Those weren't tears of pride.

Now erm...come on, sorry, I've got to get this off.

Out, thanks. OK.

Night Of The Living Virus, scene eight, take 21.

And...action!

You just don't get it, do you?

Let me spell it out for you, you small town, pen-pushing bureaucrat!

What ARE these made-up words?! Is she French?

Anyway, if the virus HAS mutated...

Cut!

What is it this time, Steven Speilbum?

MIKE LAUGHS

That's funny! I get it!

That's funny!

It's just this virus. It's meant to be serious, Daisy!

If it keeps spreading the whole world will be dead and buried!

Not before they've exploded in a ball of purple slime.

Well, who's going to bury everyone if we're all dead?

I'm really hot. Can I have a sip of water?

In a minute.

This is the scene where you start to get ill.

I do feel ill!

This is great! Mike, are you getting this?

Keep it coming, Daisy!

That's funny. Now I feel really cold. What's going on?!

This is EXACTLY what we've been missing!

I need to sit down.

How am I going to save the world if I feel so woozy?

No! Your line is, "If the virus mutates,

"it won't be long till we're all covered in puss-filled buboes!"

What's a bubo? Sounds disgusting.

It is. It's like a giant infected blister.

It's what the people got in the Black Death before they ALL DIED.

Brilliant!

I know! Anyway, Daisy, come on.

"If the virus mutates..."

If the virus mutates...if the virus mutates...if the virus...

I feel sick.

Daisy, did you get that virus everybody else had?

What virus? Is that where most of the class were last week?

I thought it was a field trip I forgot to go on.

Either she is the best person ever at playing a really, really sick person.

Or she actually is a really, really sick person.

I guess that's me done.

Make sure you're not too near when I explode.

DAISY VOMITS

We're missing the filming of the movie! Olivia! We have to go!

Oh.

ARCHIE SCREAMS

Olivia! What was that? Some kind of horrible green ghost?

You know I'm terrified of ghosts.

OLIVIA LAUGHS

Not cool, Olivia. Not cool at all.

So what was it?

It was Amanda?! Using Luxurious Lime Anti-Aging Cream?

Aging? What's aging?

Well, as we know, Archie, in the future aging has been eradicated.

People stay young for ever.

But back here in the 21st century

they start to age as soon as they're born.

A bit slower than that, but we haven't got time now.

So, in a nutshell human cells lose their ability to renew,

organs become weaker, and eventually they die.

Well, aging sounds HORRIBLE!

No wonder she wants some kind of cream to stop it! Ugh!

Archie, I take it all back. Help!

I'm sorry, Stanley. There's really nothing I can do.

There's loads I can do. Juggle, balance a fish on my nose,

but there's nothing relevant to this situation that I can do.

But there must be something, you're from the future! You're amazing!

Last week you made my sister float in mid air!

OLIVIA GETS ANGRY

Yeah...shouldn't have done that.

-There must be something we can try.

-Daisy's got a stomach bug, Stanley.

Olivia says it can take seven to ten days to recover.

Seven to ten days?!

Be glad it's not the galactic Neptune flu of 2390.

That took seven to ten years!

And even then you were left with eye verrucas.

So you're saying we just have to WAIT?

But I have to make the world's most disgusting movie.

Stanley! I think I've cracked it.

I'll play Daisy's part!

DAISY VOMITS

Look, I already know all of the lines and everything.

Erm...Mr President, you see the thing is, about the virus, erm...

You're a pen-popping broccoli cat.

Bureaucrat.

We can all make up words, Stanley. Philishibooboo! Florine!

Aggravated!

Mike. Stop. Aggravated IS a word, and that's how I'm feeling right now.

DAISY MOANS

Well, this is awkward. Glad I'm invisible.

Listen, it's kind of you to offer,

and I appreciate the effort you've made...

But I've shaved my legs and everything.

But you haven't got any leg hair.

Not anymore.

-But I've already got someone else in mind to replace Daisy.

-Who?!

-Forget it.

-But you were so great in Oliver!

You said people emigrated!

I said people celebrated.

They thought you were so good at acting that they celebrated.

You must think I'm stupid.

That's true! He does think that.

Shhh, Mike.

Look, I know you want to be in the film,

and now I want you to be in the film too, so what's the problem?

We both want the same thing!

OK, I'll do you a deal. First of all,

-I want the final say in everything in the movie.

-No way!

Right then, bye!

OK, OK! But you won't change anything will you?

No.

Oh, but I don't want it to be about a virus anymore.

I want it to be about shoes.

-Shoes?!

-It's about a girl who collects shoes and sings about them.

I've written a song.

-A SONG?!

-I've written four songs.

-FOUR SONGS?!

# Shoes! They come in different sizes!

# That's what no-one realises! #

Well? Do we have a deal?

Can there at least be SOME really sick people?

Some big purple exploding ones?

Well...

Oh, no. You've gone all sweaty.

I'm just a bit warm. I'm fine.

When...when do we start?

Mum! Get out of the bathroom!

OK, there's only one thing for it.

Mike, do you still have that wig?

Is it just me or is it really hot?

Mike? Not you getting sick as well?!

No, it's all right. It's just my jumper, it's really woolly.

I'll take it off.

Better already.

Good!

Sorry.

-I can't believe it.

-It's turning into the plot of your movie.

-Yeah!

One person gets sick then another,

and before you know it everyone's sick.

But they're not even sick in a good way,

where they explode in a big ball of purple slime.

Cheer up, Stanley. You got off pretty lightly.

There have been worse epidemics in history.

-I guess.

-I mean, it's not like they've got the Black Death!

That made organising anything pretty much impossible.

Should we invite Tom?

Can't. Dead. Black Death.

No. Sam?

Dead. Black Death.

-Polly?

-Oh, I really like Polly!

-Me too!

-But she's dead. Black Death.

Ah. Looks like it's just me and you, Mike.

Ugh!

This party is going to be lame.

You're right. I'm not going to give up!

I'm still going to make the world's most disgusting movie!

-Brilliant!

-All I need is a new leading lady.

But...who?

ARCHIE GASPS

Hi, Stan.

Mum! You look...amazing.

Really? Do you think so?

I must say this foot scrub's had some quite unexpected effects.

Yeah. You look great. In fact...you look like a film star.

Which is handy because I've got a film that needs a star.

Oh! Doctor Brainhead! What happened to you?

I guess this virus is infectious after all.

Oh, rest in peace, Dr Brainhead.

What are you doing?!

It's infectious.

Now listen to me, Mr President!

If you panic, the world panics and...and the virus has won.

Pull yourself together, stop crying, we're going to beat this thing.

You are the host, Mr President.

I have to take a blood sample...and then destroy you!

SHE LAUGHS

Well, I did it. I saved the world.

Oh, oh, Dr Brainhead!

I forgot you.

Now the only problem is...I'm all alone!

That was the most disgusting film I've ever seen.

Do you know what, Stanley,

life might be more revolting with you around but it's always more fun.

I really enjoyed making that. Oh, I love you, darling. I love you both.

Mum! You're embarrassing me. We're watching a sickening sci-fi,

not a heart-warming family comedy.

Euuugh! And that's a wrap on the behind the scenes

of the most disgusting movie ever produced.

It's been a real rollercoaster ride of emotions, all right.

You're welcome, future!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd