Stanley the Time Waster The Revolting World of Stanley Brown

Welcome to the Revolting World of Stanley Brown.

Go science!

SHE SNEEZES

Sick.

-Stanley is going to be the world's greatest scientist...

-Whoa.

..it's just that he doesn't know that yet.

This is his next door neighbour Jess...

and his best-friend Mike.

And here's Archie...

I'm your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great grandson from the future. I'm invisible.

And I'm invisible too. I'm Olivia, Archie's incredible robot assistant.

We've come back in time to make sure that Stanley keeps up

his revolting experiments

and becomes the greatest scientist ever known.

No way! I can't believe you dropped a bogey bomb on me.

Told you. Don't mess with the master of Super Sewer Kart II.

Giant rats get me every time. You win, Stanley.

-Again.

-OK. Game over.

Let's go and invent something. Yay!

-Another game, Mike?

-Yeah.

Another one?! You've played 302 games back-to-back.

I wouldn't have believed it...

Super Sewer Kart II is starting to feel a bit...

-samey.

-Samey?!

It's the same game every time

just with a different shaped poo on each level.

Let's have another go at making icing out of dandruff. Woohoo!

Come on, Stanley!

Good grief. Look at you three. Have you been up all night?!

Come on. Turn that off and tidy up.

-Don't listen to her. Turn that off and come and make filth. Stanley?

-Stanley?

-Stanley?

-Stanley?!

BOTH: Just get up and do something!

-How do I look?

-Old. Who are you meant to be?

Me. But with a geek-chic science-y twist.

-What do you think?

-I don't know. You still look like Stanley's sister.

I am Stanley's sister.

You don't even like science.

Actually, I love all that stuff.

The boiling point of physics.

Magnesium sulphate.

Gymnasium seaside. All that stuff.

Especially as they gave us partners to work with

-for our science homework project.

-Oh, yeah. They did, didn't they?

-Yep. And my partner's pretty amazing.

-Yes, I am.

-It's not you.

-Yes, it is.

-No, it isn't.

Mr Fisher said so.

He put it up on the board. We're team F. Go team F!

Those were our grades.

Anyway, I've fixed it so that I can work with a certain gorgeous someone

-who happens to live not very far from here.

-Me.

-No.

How can I explain this?

Tomorrow, I'm going to be working very closely

with someone I've really liked

for a very long time. Yes?

-You understand?

-Yes...

I do.

Good.

I'll dress up like a geek too. It'll be brilliant.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, can you go now though? I've asked Daniel to come over today

to plan our research and I need you to be totally not here.

Yeah.

Exactly like that.

And have you even washed this morning? Or cleaned your teeth?

Right. That is it. I'm turning this off.

Argh! I give up.

Don't complain to me when your teeth fall out.

Oh. Classic mistake.

That's not how you get the attention of a genius. This...

is how an expert does it with dignity and decorum.

Stanley! Come back to me!

Wha...?

It's no good. He's like a zombie.

Except those guys have got a lot more get-up-and-go.

There's only one thing for it. We need a plan to shake him

from his stupor, a plan so subtle, so sly,

that he barely notices we've done anything at all.

-What did you do that for?!

-What do you mean?! I only opened up a portal

-and dropped a load of baked beans through it. I was just trying to get your attention.

-Yeah?

Well, you have now. Never do that again. Mike and Jess

were well freaked! I had to tell them I put

-an invisible bean bomb on the ceiling.

-Nice!

-Good thinking. Let's do some more!

-I want to chill out this weekend.

I don't have to spend all my time inventing stuff.

How could you? You're Stanley B...

Yeah, I'm Stanley Brown, the great genius. I know.

Yeah, but...the future! This is the weekend you invent...

Hang on, there's bound to be something. Olivia?

I invent bird-poo toothpaste.

How did you know?

Cos I invented bird-poo toothpaste.

Yeah. Not one of your best inventions.

No. Maybe I should put it in the bin with the dog-sick soap.

Yeah, you might want to empty that bin.

That's the future dealt with. I'm going to get changed

-and then it's back to the game.

-No, not more chilling!

There's other stuff too.

This weekend, you also discover...

something...

something amazing.

Do I? Let's see.

No! You're obsessed with looking at screens today. You can't look.

-It doesn't say.

-Why not?

It's...a...

mystery.

The great mystery of Stanley Brown.

Nobody knows what you discovered this weekend.

But whatever it was, it changed your life...

for ever.

Are you sure you're not just saying it because you're bored

-and want me to do stuff with you?

-No.

It happens. Definitely.

Sure as eggs is eggs.

What do you mean, eggs?

Well, it's just a saying. Sure as eggs is eggs.

That's a strange thing to say.

Unless...

Are you having an idea?

How sure is it that eggs is eggs?

What if...

What if eggs isn't eggs?

But there is, isn't they?

If eggs isn't eggs, what is they?

I don't know, but if they isn't, just think what that would mean.

It would turn our entire perception of the world on its head.

Maybe that's what I discover.

Let's check what those eggs is.

What?!

It's one little white lie and he's doing science again now.

Everybody wins.

Daniel...

Wow. I love all this science stuff. It's so amazing.

-So what's that thing you've got there called?

-It's a pen.

A pen. How geeky!

-In a chic kind of way.

-It's really strange we were partnered together.

Yeah. It's like fate threw us together against the odds.

And strange because I was supposed to be working with George Sefton.

-Really?

-So going back to this pen...

Then I got this letter from Mr Fisher saying I was working with you

because Daisy's dislocated her head and gone into hiding.

It's the best thing for a dislocated head.

But the really strange thing is he's written it in your handwriting.

Pens are so scientific, aren't they?

So, where are we going to do the work tomorrow?

I was thinking in a cinema or a restaurant...

or sitting on the banks of a moonlit river.

-I thought we'd do it here.

-Here?!

We're looking for household dirt and germs, yeah?

But I thought the moonlight could shine up all the dirt and germs

on a romantic picnic blanket.

I think this is, like, the obvious place.

Why are there beans all over my living room?

What is wrong with this house?

See? This is easily the dirtiest house in this street.

-Everybody knows that.

-What?

So, that settles it.

Eggs is eggs after all.

-Blast those eggy fiends.

-I wonder what my great discovery can be then.

Whatever it is, I've only got a day and nine hours of the weekend left

-to discover it.

-Less if you keep playing video games

-as much as you do.

-I don't waste that much time playing games.

-Ha!

Olivia? How much time does Stanley normally spend

playing video games per day?

BEEPING

5.5 hours a day. See?

So if I stop playing video games or go on the net

in the next day-and-a half,

I'll have loads more hours to make my discovery.

I wonder what else I waste my time doing every day.

Brushing my teeth. That's two minutes a time twice a day.

That's four minutes a day.

Combing your hair.

That's four seconds I'll never get back.

-Having a shower.

-At least ten minutes.

Getting dressed.

Putting stuff away.

If I stop doing all those things,

I'll have loads more hours in every day.

This must be it.

The amazingly mysterious discovery that changes the world.

-I invent a way to save time itself!

-Hooray!

You see?

That's the great thing about impulsive fibs. They always...

end brilliantly.

Um, hello. Mrs Palmer? Yes.

I'm doing a survey on behalf of Grime Magazine and we wondered

if there was one particular house

in your street that was dirtier than all the others.

Oh, Mrs Brown's? Oh, really? Yeah, well...

maybe you should think about updating your garish, stinky,

old curtains. Ever thought of that?!

Well, that's everyone.

It's true. Everyone thinks this is the dirtiest house in the street.

Laters, Mrs B. See you tomorrow for germ collection.

Uh-huh. Not on my watch.

We're not collecting them from your watch.

Although...

No, you don't, Daniel Palmer. This house is spotless.

Well, it will be spotless. There are no germs in this house.

-You tell your mum that.

-OK.

-Yeah? You can tell the neighbours as well.

This house is clean. It's... It's clean.

I can see you looking through your clean windows with your dirty looks.

You can scrape germs from my room, Daniel. I'll make it

really unhygienic just for you!

Thanks a lot.

This house better be full of muck and germs tomorrow.

What's happened to you, Steph? You're supposed to be the clean one.

Love changes everything, Mum. Love changes everything.

Right. What else do I spend a lot of time doing?

Olivia? Over to you.

Well, Stanley. The average person goes to the toilet around

six to eight times a day for a wee

and between one and two times a day for a poo.

At about three minutes per visit,

that works out at about 30 minutes a day.

So that's another 30 minutes a day I can save.

Brilliant! Don't quite know how and it could get messy, but brilliant!

Hey, Sarge.

Mike! Jess!

You've washed the beans out of your hair.

Nothing says clean like a head free of beans. Talking of which,

-yours isn't.

-Yeah. It's all part of my plan.

Do you realise how much time you waste

every day by doing boring stuff that's not even fun?

What are you saying? That I don't have fun? I have fun.

I just like to look miserable while I'm having it.

But that's just it.

I've found a way to make more time for your miserable fun.

Look at this. I've given myself an hour every day

by giving up washing and changing my clothes.

Don't you have to start doing something before you can give it up?

Over an average UK lifetime of 79 years,

that's three years I've saved.

Imagine what people could do with all that extra time!

Exciting news just in.

Brilliant inventor Stanley Brown has given us all

three more years to do stuff in.

So, Angela, what do you think you'll do with yours?

Well, I'll definitely be catching up on economic developments

and maybe learning a new language or four.

But mostly, I plan to spend the time watching

Justin Bieber Never say Never on repeat.

Woo hoo!

Sounds...great(!) And now over to Chris with the sport.

I think that's...

genius!

Yeah! So come on, what do you hate doing?

Washing the dishes.

I thought you had a dishwasher?

But I have to wash the dishes before I put them in the washer.

-Mum says it makes the dishwasher dirty.

-OK...

-Your mum needs help.

-Oh, she's got help.

A cleaner called Mabel who cleans the worktop

-after I've cleaned the dishes for the dishwasher.

-No more dishwashing.

-Jess?

-How long have you got?

Wow. Jess hates doing everything in the world.

If she cuts all that out, she'll save more time than has existed

since the start of the universe.

That's the thing about Jess, she's ambitious.

-If only I could save that amount of time.

-Yeah.

-It's a shame you have to sleep.

-What?

Well, if you didn't have to go to bed, you'd save bags of time.

Seriously?! How much?

Er, Olivia? Olivia!

Olivia?!

Sleep, sleep, glorious, snoozy,

snore-y sleep.

The average person spends between seven and nine hours a day asleep.

That means we all spend about a third of every day tucked up in bed.

And if this fact sent you to sleep...

-wake up!

-ALARM BELL RINGS

So, if I don't sleep, I'll have 33% more time in my life?

That'd be like living until I was 105!

Whoa, imagine all the things I could do!

Literally, wow!

-I'm never going to sleep again!

-Brilliant!

Stanley?

Never again!

OLIVIA BEEPS

-Oh, shush, you.

-It's only not sleeping.

What could possibly go wrong?

Stanley Brown.

This is a record of all the amazing experiments

I can do now I've given up sleep.

Number one - the human bat.

I shall attempt navigate around the room blindfolded

using burps for radar.

KEEPS BURPING

Experiment 15 - the humming bird can fly backwards as well as forwards.

If the humans could do this we'd never have to turn around again.

I give you...reversing mirrors.

WHOA...!

Experiment 82 - trump therapy. It's like aromatherapy but with trumps.

Like at the moment I'm feeling a bit odd in the head for some reason.

But maybe I can cure that by breathing in an air biscuit...

FARTS LOUDLY

SWALLOWS AIR

SPLUTTERS

Trump therapy is in early stages of testing.

Stanley! Stop making so much noise! You're keeping me awake.

What's up with her?

-Stanley...

-DOORBELL

Daniel!

Either my brother's 4am wake-up call really messed up my vision or you're Daisy.

Dressed as a scary chemist.

-Something weird's happened - I've been sent a load of get-well-soon stuff.

-Really?

How weird!

Well, see ya. Look, that balloon's getting away!

The homework project - I'm your partner!

No, you're not. I told you yesterday, remember?

-No.

-Well you're not, I'm with Daniel. Look,

try to understand, I dumped you so I could work with Daniel, OK?

You dumped me?

We're still friends, and I utterly respect you, so go away.

Daniel's going to be here soon and I've told him your head's all... hanging off.

-DOORBELL

-Will you just...!

Daniel, hi!

-Hi.

-Come in.

Sorry about that. I thought you were the postman.

He's really annoying.

So I thought that we could just start by checking out the germs in the sink...

Or, the living room. Maybe those beans have dried up on the sofa.

That would make a lovely breeding ground for bacteria...

You'll NEVER find germs in here.

I told you we'd find more germs on a moonlit riverbank.

Ow! Ow!

...need to save... more time...

Hey, Sarge, guess what?!

I saved 40 seconds by jumping out of the living room window instead of using the front door.

How long have you saved?

-Sarge?

-What?

Yes... Hours... No s-s-s-sleeping.

No w-w-washing. No toilet...

But you need to sleep and everyone needs to go to the toilet.

Not...if they've got an MSR.

Mobile Sanitation Receptacle.

Eurgh!

A poo bucket?

Why waste time eating things and then pooing them into the bucket

when you can just throw it straight in the bucket?

That's last night's tea plus all my rubbish.

I carry it with me so I don't have to go to the bin either.

-But you still need to eat.

-But I can get by on much less food.

AND I can save even MORE time if I drink it!

Hey, guys. What's in the bucket?

Don't...look.

It's the f-f-future!

Looks more like the very recent past.

Breakfast in a jug!

Ow! Ow!

Something wrong with your feet?

No, I've got my shoes on the wrong way round.

How does that help save time?

It doesn't. It makes them hurt so I stay awake.

I'm never going to sleep again.

Why can't I look in the bucket?

VOMITS

OK. Good enough reason.

I don't believe it. She's even cleaned the U-bend.

It looks like one of them toilets you get in DIY stores.

You know, they look like real toilets, but turns out they're not plumbed in.

My dad really should have told me.

Daniel, you don't usually stick your hands down toilets, do you?

I mean, it's great an' all, I'd just like to do other things with you too.

I'm a man, Steph - I don't mind getting my hands dirty.

You make muck sound really dreamy.

Well, if there's no dirt or germs here I may as well go home.

Don't go! I promise you will find some more filth.

Stanley's room!

Ohhh... Mum's cleaned in here too!

Is that some dirt I see under the table?

No, it looks like a bit that's even cleaner than the rest.

DAISY HAMMERS ON WINDOW

-What's that noise?

-Nothing! What noise?

-HAMMERING

-Oh, that noise! Oh, it's coming from the landing.

I'll win you back, Steph...

-OLIVIA BEEPS

-Oh, shut up! Nothing's going to go "horribly wrong".

I've inspired Stanley to make an amazing scientific discovery is all.

I should lie to him all the time!

So, we're agreed.

We love Stanley cos he's not normal, but right now he is TOO not normal.

What? Oh, not you two too. He's fine!

A bit jumpy maybe...

-Why's he like this?

-It's the not sleeping.

-Really?

-Really?

-Yeah! It's really bad for you.

They told us all about it the Junior Marines.

Er...is he...right?

OLIVIA: 'Fraid so.

Lack of sleep has serious effects on our brains' ability to function.

Sleep deprived people

can't concentrate.

They become irritable, irrational, and, oh forgetful.

They also get very drowsy and can cause themselves injuries.

So fans of being calm, ration and un-injured, get sleeping!

What have I done? I need to get him to sleep!

So what do we do? Any ideas, team?

-That'll be you!

-Oh. Yeah. Right. We attack in a pincer movement.

Take him down. Tie him up. Sing him a lullaby.

Once he's had a bit of sleep, normality levels should return

to highly abnormal and we'll all be fine.

You know, normally I'd say something sarcastic,

but I actually think that's the best plan we've got.

Well then let's move out, team, we've got a job to do! Whoo-hoo!

Boys!

Looking for something?

-Argh!

-Even the hoover bags are spotless in my house,

you can tell your mother that. In fact I'll tell her myself!

Jenny, hello, it's Amanda.

I just wondered if you'd like to pop over for a coffee this morning.

My house. My clean, clean house.

Yeah, just the two of us and maybe the rest of the street.

Stanley! Stanley! Stanley!

Stanley?

Oh, Stanley, look, we need to talk! The thing is...

Oh, you decided to wash your hair!

No. Cold shower. To keep me awake.

Better have another one.

No! No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stanley, we really need to talk about this not-sleeping thing.

I was wrong! It's not a fantastic idea, it's terrible!

-It can affect your concentration.

-Wha...?

-And your memory.

-Why am I wet?

-Stanley, you need to sleep!

-No! I'm making a major scientific breakthrough! Just like you said!

No, you're not!

Look, I made it up, yeah?

There is no Great Mystery of Stanley Brown.

I just wanted to see you do science.

I lied. Forgive me?

I'd beg on my knees, but my finger's stuck in a tap.

No. There IS a mysterious discovery

and it's the Secret of Saving Time. And I've discovered it!

You're just trying to trick me, so you can keep it for yourself.

That's the sleep deprivation, it's making you confused and a teensy bit irritable.

I'm NOT irritable! And I'm not confused.

Why are people saying I'm confused?

I'm leaving. And I'm taking my Mobile Sanitation Receptacle with me!

Wait!

Agh!

Don't tell anyone, but there's a man from the future stuck to a tap in the kitchen.

He wants to steal the secret of time.

Right. I'm going to go now.

Daniel! There you are.

I went up to Stanley's room and I found this.

This says there's bacteria literally everywhere. Even on clean surfaces!

-How great is that?

-Amazing!

-Yeah.

And there's a test where we rub potato slices on things

and seal them in a plastic bag and see what awful stuff grows on them.

Guess who's got a potato?

Keep your filthy potato off my surfaces.

-No!

-And remember, it's a pincer movement.

Come on, Daniel, let's rub it on things.

It's OK, Stanley, don't worry, we're here to help.

Help me. They're after my bucket of filth!

You've got a bucket of filth? Eurgh! Daniel! He's got a bucket of filth. We can study it all day long!

You're all crazy! I'm out of here.

I'm her partner! Not you! Give me the dirt!

There IS no dirt!

Come on, Stanley, put it down. You need a little sleepy-bye-bye.

Keep away from my bucket of secrets!

# Go to sleep, go to sleep, Close your staring bloodshot eyes. #

No! Must stay awake. I must save Time itself!

Get away from me! All of you!

Oh, ladies! You've come for the coffee morning!

Don't come in! They're all weirdos! You're all complete weirdos!

No, no, we're not weirdos. You see, look, my house is really very clean...

SPITS

Excuse me, ladies...

I'm going back to bed.

I suggest that you play video games for a very, very long time,

maybe for ever.

Sorry. Got a bit held up in the kitchen.

Did I miss anything?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd