Stone Cold Stanley The Revolting World of Stanley Brown

Welcome to the Revolting World of Stanley Brown.

Go science! BREAKS WIND

-RETCHES

-A-choo!

ALL GASP

-Sick!

-Stanley is going to be the world's greatest scientist.

Whoa!

It's just that he doesn't know that yet.

This is his next door neighbour Jess.

And his best friend Mike.

-GROANS

-And here's Archie.

I'm your great-great-great-great- great grandson. From the future!

-I'm invisible.

-And I'm invisible too.

I'm Olivia, Archie's incredible robot assistant!

We've come back in time to make sure that Stanley

keeps up his revolting experiments

and becomes the greatest scientist ever known!

Whoa!

Hey Sarge. How's the experiment going?

This...hair...is...amazing!

Hair! As stylish as it is long.

It is in these dense keratin forests

that we find one of nature's most beautiful creatures,

the majestic...head louse.

Strong, hook-like claws enable these amazing creatures

to hang on to the hairy shafts of dead protein

as they seek out their prey...

the human scalp.

The scalp tries to escape, but the head louse is too quick.

Once caught, the scalp is powerless to defend itself

as the louse inserts its needle-like mouth parts

and begins to... Arrrrrrgh!

I thought you said head lice weren't itchy?

They're not, it's their spit and poo that makes you itch.

-Sure you don't want some? They only drink your blood.

-Get off!

Don't panic!

-They can't jump onto you.

-So how did you catch them?

Just been rubbing my head against everybody I met for two weeks.

So why is half your hair filthy and the other half disgustingly clean?

That's the experiment. I'm trying to find out if head lice

prefer to live on dirty hair or clean hair.

To be honest, not sure if they're bothered either way.

So, come on, what do you say?

Fancy an infestation of tiny friends?

Get off! I'm the only creature inside my hair!

GROANS

I'm going to get rid of them soon!

So you're experimenting with paper!

Probably trying to make some,

or recycle it, or draw insulting cartoons of your mum on it!

I'm brilliant at those. I do a great one of her sat on the toilet.

Archie! I've told you,

I'm not telling you what experiment I'm doing.

-You'll just mess it up.

-I don't always ruin your experiments.

Sometimes, I severely compromise them.

Remember the ferret experiment?

Yeah! I've still got bandages in my underpants.

And that's why I'm doing this experiment on my own.

GASPS

Of course! Hair! He's experimenting with hair.

Come on, Olivia, we'll force our disastrous help on him

whether he wants it or not.

-BLEEPING

-Of course he'll be pleased!

It's much too quiet around here anyway.

Stanley, this is a disaster! You have to stop her!

Of course I'm not going to cancel.

It's time we got to know the neighbours properly.

And Jenny and Greg do seem like a very nice couple.

But they're my parents, they created me, how nice can they be?

Tell her, Stanley!

Don't do it, Mum. Remember what happened to your last dinner party.

And whose fault was that?

It's not my fault if people don't like getting sprayed by bat dung.

Stanley, I am going to give this dinner party

and for once it is not going to be ruined by any of your experiments.

I just want our neighbours to think of us as nice, normal people.

It's never happened before.

Think of that as an experiment, an experiment in being normal.

-How would that be?

-Don't listen to her, Stanley.

OK, I'll cut you a deal, a free trip anywhere you like.

The sewage treatment plant!

Enjoy refreshing sewage.

But it's got stinking brown sludge floating in it!

No problem, we'll just let all the filth and poo settle to the bottom

and then add the secret recipe of bacteria

to break it down and eat it, so you don't have to.

Then they add a drop of chlorine,

filter the water through sand and release it back into the wild,

where it ends up in your glass

ready to drink and wee out again and again.

And again...and again.

Mmm! Treated sewage!

If this dinner party goes well,

I will throw you into the sewer myself.

-Yes!

-No!

And I've got another motive anyway.

I wondered if your mum would be interested in selling some make-up?

Only I get a bit of a promotion if I can recruit two agents

and I've already got Daisy selling some stuff for me...?

Well...at least Steph will be pleased.

She finally gets to spend a night in with Daniel.

We've got to find a way to stop this!

But I thought you liked Daniel.

I do! That's why we can't let him spend an evening with my family.

-Imagine what he'll think of me!

-He'll know the real you!

-Exactly.

-He will hate you.

-No! Hang on a minute.

-He'll think you're all vain.

-No, I just meant...

He'll realise your harebrained plans never work

and that you never listen to anybody apart from yourself.

What?! No! He won't want to go out with someone

who comes from such an embarrassing family.

Oh, right!

-What do you mean, never listen to anybody?

-Nothing, it's just...

Think of a way to get this dinner party cancelled.

Why would someone call off a party?

They've been shot in the foot.

They're trapped in an airing cupboard!

They've got their head wedged in a rabbit hole! They hate everybody!

Ants have stolen all the forks!

-Wait! That's it!

-Ants have stolen all the forks? Oh, no!

No, we find a way of getting them to hate each other.

And I think I know how.

-Cankles?!

-Yeah, I know.

Imagine a neighbour saying such a terrible thing.

But Daisy overheard her. Didn't you, Daise?

What are cankles?

They're when your ankles are so fat, they join with your calves.

-And who's got them?

-My mum!

You overheard Jenny from next door saying it, remember?

Oh, yeah, the plan! Ooh! Yeah, I did.

She was really horrible.

So I guess you'll have to cancel the dinner party.

Cancel?! No.

And kninkles! She said you had kninkles.

-Knee wrinkles.

-And melbows! Muscley elbows.

So I guess that's the end of that. I'll tell Daniel it's off.

Don't be silly. I'm not calling off a party

just because she's said a couple of things about my ankles.

Mistaken things. I'm not a teenage girl.

Not with them melbows, you're not. GASPS

Would you like to buy some make-up? GIGGLES

No, Daisy, I'm sponsoring YOU.

You're supposed to sell it to other people.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

Come on Jess, it'll just be a bunch of grown-ups sat around talking.

-I don't know why you get so angry.

-What makes you think I'm angry?!

Just a feeling. And the fact that you've handcuffed me to the shelves.

I asked you for help to stop the dinner party

and you betrayed me. For some sewage!

I'd never betray you for sewage!

This was a trip to the sewage farm. It's totally different.

But, I mean, if you just told me why...

I shouldn't have to tell you why.

WHIRRS

Surprise!

-Not interrupting, am I?

-Can't you just trust me?

-Guess what I got? I bet you can't.

-Not now!

Well, now's when I need you.

Can't you just help me and stop asking stupid questions?

GIGGLES

It's...hair! From the future!

For your experiment!

Argh! No way!

Fine. I'll deal with it on my own.

What is that?!

Just thought I'd cheer you up by covering myself with hair.

You know what'd cheer me up?

Watching you eat it!

Although...I've got a better idea.

BLEEPS

Of course I'm allowed to bring hair back from the future!

What harm could that cause?

Here, I've got loads of hair facts for you, too.

WHIRRS

Hair! Hair! It's everywhere!

Nearly every outer surface on a human is covered with hair,

except for the soles of your feet, the palms of your hands,

your lips and your eyeballs.

Which is a good job, because otherwise you'd look like this fella.

GRUNTS

I love hair! Except when it gets in your sandwiches.

Did you know you lose about 100 hairs off your head every day?

That's why there's so much in your sandwiches.

That's nearly as amazing as being uncuffed from these shelves!

Yeah! Oh, right, did you want me to...?

Er...

Is something up with Jess?

She was just completely NOT sarcastic to me in the garden.

Better find her before she ruins my Mum's party.

Because you want to ruin the dinner party!

Normally, yes, but this time there's a sewage trip resting on it.

I've got to make sure it goes well.

-Did you see where she went?

-Oh, just the kitchen.

She can't ruin anything to do with a dinner party in there.

-The dinner!

-The dinner!

WHIRRS

You're right, Olivia, he's got head lice!

Stanley must have got the lice off the hair

I bought back from the future! They'll be robot ones.

They'll infest the entire world with their hair-based laser battles!

I told you it was a mistake to bring things back from the future!

We mustn't let Stanley know I've infected him,

he'll never trust me to empty a sack of gunk over his head again.

But how can I remove them without him noticing?

It's impossible!

Unless...I freeze him!

She's got the future hair!

Stop her!

Sorry, Jess!

Jess, think what you're doing! It'll be disgusting.

-That's the plan.

-Olivia!

-WHIRRS

-Yes!

-Where did it go?

-Come on, cold air, do your worst.

This isn't the end of this.

Now to let this freezing machine do its work.

Soon everything will be just fine.

Oops!

She said what about my thighs?

Not thighs, f-eyes!

It means you've got fat eyes.

What even are fat eyes?

Those! And can I sell you some make-up that just might help?

What Daisy's trying to say

is that my mum's said some pretty hurtful stuff about you in the past.

Yes, she said you talk like this... Blah-blah-blah!

-What are you doing here?

-Hi, Jess.

Well, we were just talking to your mum

and telling her what my mum said about her.

-I know what's going on here.

-What?! No, you know nothing!

It's pathetic!

But... I guess you had to do something.

It can't be easy living with your mum.

What's going on, Jess? What are you talking about?

-Steph's been lying to you to stop you going to her house.

-What? Why?

It's her mum. In this weird cult,

they believe that the Earth was created by a cabbage in 1976.

Seriously?

Yeah. She probably invited you round so you would join the cult.

They let her out of the compound so she could recruit followers.

-What compound?

-When you join the cult,

you have to live in the Compound of the Great Cabbage.

You're not allowed money or clothes. Are you, Steph?

No. No. It was pretty tough in the Compound.

I wouldn't want you to go through the same thing.

Right.

OK. Thanks for telling me.

It's for the best.

That's how you put someone off going to a dinner party.

Right, shall we get working on your mum?

Yeah, OK.

Keeping your parents away from mine

is going to be easier than I thought.

I didn't know the Earth was created by a cabbage!

This freezing machine's rubbish!

The ones we have back home can glaciate an elephant in 15 seconds!

I've got to freeze these robotic cyber nits off Stan's head,

but...we need more cold.

Should be OK. Three-minute rule!

I thought it was the three-second rule?

What happens after those three seconds

which means you can't eat it?

I think it's because germs live on the floor,

and it takes them a while to realise you've dropped food on them.

If only there was some way to find out.

Yeah.

Oh, right. Me. Ha!

Olivia?

Oh, Archie, I thought you know this.

Food gets bacteria on it if it stays on the floor for three minutes,

but it also will in three seconds.

That's because there's bacteria everywhere.

Here and here. They're everywhere!

But the good news is that they're not all bad for you.

There are 600 types of bacteria just living in your mouth,

and loads more in your intestines.

And lots of them are really good for you.

Some scientists even think that making your house too clean

could be bad for your health.

Our house certainly isn't too clean.

Yeah, but you don't want it too dirty either. That can be bad, too.

Basically, if your floor's reasonably clean,

you might be all right to eat stuff that's gone on it.

Hurry up, Mike. That casserole's my ticket to the sewage works plant.

Oh, how did that get there?

Pesky thing. Ha!

Better pop it back in the freezer.

She steals things?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's very sad.

My mum just can't stop herself.

But you'll probably be all right.

Just hide things, glue stuff down.

She'll probably take only about five or six of your most valuable items.

And there's her dad's feet.

Stinks.

He's got fungal foot rot.

-He has to wear special shoes to keep the stink inside.

-Oh.

Mike! What are you doing?

I thought washing-up liquid cleaned things.

Not the food! Oh, we can't eat that now!

Mum's going to have a fit when she sees this.

She'll never let me near a big vat of sewage.

I wouldn't worry about that.

Me and Steph have spread so much suspicion between our parents,

we'll be lucky if they don't start putting landmines in the flowerbeds.

You're working with Steph?

Yeah. I'm starting to think she might be all right.

At least she doesn't let me down over some sewage.

Never go up against me, Stanley.

You'll lose.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Oh, Jenny, Greg, Daniel, I'm so pleased you could come.

Come in, come in.

It was lovely to be invited.

And we, um, brought you, um...

Oh, a-a cabbage.

How lovely.

Is that all right? We just didn't know if...

No, that's, that's so thoughtful.

Shall we take our shoes off?

No!

Erm, just, erm...

Nobody takes their shoes off. It's the rule, it's the rule.

Come through, come through.

Yes!

The boys win! Never go up against ME, Jess, cos you'll...

What is it?

-Nothing!

-Look, if you'd just tell me...

-No!

Fine.

I guess you're going to find out anyway.

I told my mum that...you're my boyfriend.

You said they wouldn't come. This is all your fault.

-Remind me never to trust her again.

-Never trust her again.

Come on, let's go see if we can save this situation

Steph's mum's really, like, in with the Great Cabbage and everything,

so you're going down.

I've really messed up really, really bad.

Why did you tell your mum I was your boyfriend?

She kept setting me up with "nice boys".

I thought if I said I already had a boyfriend, she'd leave me alone,

and since I'm round here all the time...

They want to meet you, Stanley,

check you're suitable for their daughter,

and now I'm going to have to admit in front of everyone

that I'm so sad I've made up a boyfriend.

What am I going to do?

There's only one thing we can do.

Mike, you've got that food covered, yeah?

Yeah, no problem here.

Don't worry. We'll sort this out together.

I can't believe it's so hard to freeze people in the 21st century!

We put ourselves into suspended animation

all the time in the future.

Slowing your body down to the point of death

makes those long journeys just whizz by.

Right, show me how a refrigerator works again.

Well, fridges are just like armpits.

When sweat evaporates, it sucks heat energy from the area around it

to power its transformation into gas.

That's why sweating cools you down.

A fridge has a liquid inside which keeps evaporating, too,

so it sucks out heat and keeps everything cool.

So if I make the pipes in the house

like the pipes in a fridge,

I'll turn the whole house into a massive freezer!

I know what I'm doing.

Argh!

Owwwwww!

I must say you keep a lovely house, Amanda.

It must be a quite a change for you.

Er, yes, it is quite different to the old one, I suppose.

I should think so.

You're wearing clothes, I see.

Yes.

And you are, too.

Oh, well, w-w-well, yes.

-We don't really approve of nakedness, do we, Greg?

-No, dear.

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

No, it, it's perfectly natural.

It is. I-I-It's totally natural.

It's just...

We don't really do it.

Why don't we stop talking about nakedness now,

and do something else, like play a party game?

-Daniel, do you want to play a party game?

-Not really.

Oh, OK, yeah.

The cabbage!

You didn't tell me she actually had it in the house.

May I...touch it?

Um, sure.

SHE CHANTS GIBBERISH

Is this girl one of your converts, then?

Well, funnily enough, I have just managed to recruit her, yes.

How can you tell?

Oh! Ooh, look - love's young dream.

Stanley...and Jess.

Yeah, they've been going out for a few weeks. Didn't you know?

We are SO happy.

Stanley, loving the hair!

Trendy.

Um, are you another one of your mother's recruits?

Oh, no, he's not interested in that, although to be honest,

I didn't think he was into that sort of thing either.

I wonder if I could tempt you into joining us.

I've got a pamphlet here somewhere.

Is it me, or is it getting a bit cold in here?

Er, yes, yes, it is a bit brisk.

Oh, well, let's all go into the kitchen to eat.

Or...maybe Jess could warm your hearts with the story of our love.

Jess?

-Mike, sorted the food?

-Yep!

-Brilliant!

-Did you make something else?

-Nope.

I just got rid of the foam by using science.

How?

-Well, you know how washing-up liquid attacks fat and grease?

-Yeah.

Well, I thought, what if I turn that on its head?

I can attack washing-up liquid with more fat and grease

than it can possibly handle.

Right. Not sure where this is going, but prove me wrong.

I filled the pot up with lard!

Not a bubble in sight.

Well, that's definitely not edible now!

You didn't say anything about making it edible.

And so that was how we had our fourth kiss

-and our fifth kiss was...

-Very nice, Jess, thank you.

Would you like to come in, sit down?

-Daisy, will you find that pamphlet?

-Yes, Ms Brown.

I would love it if you would join us.

I would be so proud if you could be my new recruit.

I'm not really sure it's my kind of thing.

Ah, I thought that at first, but look at me now.

I mean, we're going to take over the whole neighbourhood.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, look - is this silver?

Yep, yeah, nothing but the best.

Erm, actually, yeah,

erm...yeah, you can have these plastic ones.

It's freezing in here as well. What's wrong with your house?

So sorry about all this, Daniel. I'm completely normal, though.

Well, the central heating should be on.

It's like a block of ice!

Stanley?

It's not me!

But I might know who.

This was a fantastic idea. It's like ultra-intense air con.

Stanley will be frozen in no time.

Oh, hi, Stanley.

Ah, oh, what? Get...

Your hands are really cold.

-W-W-Why is everybody shivering?

-Ah, that's simple.

It's your body automatically trying to generate heat

by moving your muscles really quickly.

Really strong shivering - like that - can increase

your body's heat production by five times. Isn't that brilliant?

I know I'm shivering BECAUSE I'm cold.

I want to know why you've MADE it cold.

Me?! That is an outrageous accusation and I very much resent...

OK. Promise you won't be angry?

Well, promise you won't be furious.

-Promise you won't be incandescent with rage?

-JUST TELL ME!!

OK. I...I've kinda given you robot head lice from the future.

When I poured that bag of hair over you this morning.

I was trying to freeze you so I could remove them.

They're not robots! They're just normal head lice!

I've had them for ages.

So...you didn't get them this morning?

No. I caught them on purpose weeks ago.

Oh, happy day!

Seriously, my head is totally crawling with

perfectly ordinary real live lice.

Oh, ha-ha! Phew! That's so...

I've got to go.

Hi.

I have never been to such an awful dinner party.

And you are the worst hostess, with your freezing cold house,

and your plastic forks.

Well, at least I'm not a thief.

How dare you, cabbage woman?!

SHE LAUGHS

Speaking of cabbage, shame about your husband's rotting feet.

Here are the pamphlets.

I'm not joining up with you lot!

And my Jess is not dating your flea-ridden son.

They're NOT fleas! They're lice.

You're too young to have boyfriends.

I don't know what we were thinking of. Now come on!

Sorry, Mum.

You know what?

I don't care.

I won't be friends with someone who talks to my children like that.

Forget her. Forget trying to be normal.

We've got each other and that's enough for me. Come here.

Or maybe not you with your nit head! Wait until you've been deloused.

Oh, we can still have a brilliant evening.

That's the spirit, Mum.

What? No! No, Mum, you can't eat that!

Argh! Stanley Brown!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd