Scabhunters The Revolting World of Stanley Brown

Welcome to the Revolting World of Stanley Brown.

Go science!

Atchoo!

Sick.

Stanley is going to be the world's greatest scientist.

Whoa!

It's just that he doesn't know that yet.

This is his next door neighbour Jess.

And his best friend Mike.

Here's Archie.

I'm your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great-grandson,

from the future. I'm invisible.

And I'm invisible too.

I'm Olivia, Archie's incredible robot assistant.

We've come back in time to make sure that Stanley

keeps up his revolting experiments

and becomes the greatest scientist ever known.

SHE SCREAMS

What's up, Mum?

Hey, my scabs!

Ugh! You have fixed your scabs onto a card?

Yeah. I tried to get them framed but they threw me out of the shop,

which gave me that little beauty.

Why did you put them in my cupboard?

I didn't think you'd want them in the fridge. I got this one from a dog's back.

I blame myself.

Don't. Blame the internet. You're the one who lets me use it.

Today's the deadline for the gross-out website

Collection Of The Month.

My scabs are a sure-fire winner. Even geekboy2000 can't match this!

Geekboy who? Oh, that sweet kid you chat to online?

Sweet! He is my ultimate nemesis!

Last week he fell off his BMX, scabs everywhere!

Some people have all the luck.

Yeah, but he doesn't even deserve it.

My scabs rock, your scabs fail! I will be victorious!

Look upon my scabs and despair, losers! Arm scabs! Knee scabs!

Chin scabs! I am the scab master!

Yes! Another one for the scab daddy!

Ow.

He's always rubbing my nose in how great his scabs are.

But this month, he's going down,

the gross-out website is going to love my collection.

Well, all the best with that, I suppose.

You could've asked where they were.

Well, I wasn't actually looking for scabs!

I was trying to find those earrings Auntie Phyllis gave me for Christmas.

The ones Pat Butcher binned for being too horrible?

They were a very thoughtful present. But yes, those ones.

I just, I can't find them and she's coming over later

and she's going to want to see me in them, I know,

you know what she's like.

MONSTROUS ROAR

Yes. Yes, I do.

So, you'll have to get your own breakfast this morning.

When do I not get my own breakfast?

When you get someone else's by mistake!

Hi, Archie. Is that my cap?

And Steph's snood?

Just trying to live like you historical folks.

What's for breakfast?

C-c-corn f-f-flakes?

You eat flakes of precious corn?

Don't you know what these things are worth?

With a box of these I could buy my own starship! Give me them!

You haven't borrowed one of my crystal earrings, have you, Stanley?

Mum, what possible use would I have for a crystal?

Apart from trying to harness its light refracting properties

in the construction of a giant laser cannon!

Hmm, tidy this up, I can't look at it.

I have to say these cornflakes taste saltier than I imagined.

That wasn't a cornflake! It was the biggest scab in my collection!

Eh? Sca-what now?

I'll never beat geekboy2000 now!

What are these things you call "scabs"?

You've never heard of scabs?

-Not until now.

-You've never fallen over and cut yourself?

No, but once I...

I broke a nail.

Don't ask me about it. It's too traumatic.

Wow. Is the future that safe?

Yeah, it's like well safe. Aiii!

-Not like that.

-Then I've got no idea what you mean.

Oh, hi, Olivia.

Archie, have you learnt nothing?

The scab is nature's favourite wound adornment.

When you cut yourself, tiny blood cells called platelets

start sticking to the injured skin, plugging the wound

and very thoughtfully stopping you bleeding to death.

They also stop horrible germs and dirt from getting into your body.

Scabs are your friends! Just a bit weird to collect.

Scabs are your body's version of a plaster.

Magnificent on a cut or a graze

but you really wouldn't want to accidentally swallow one.

It could make you sick.

Oh, yuck! I hate platelets! And I'm on a blood-free diet!

Olivia! Help!

Steph, are you sure you haven't seen my crystal earrings

that Auntie Phyllis gave me?

No, but have you tried Bruce Forsyth?

I'm sure he was after a couple of new chandeliers for Strictly.

Oh, ha ha ha, yes, very funny.

Yes, thank you both for your help and jewellery criticisms.

Wow! Beautiful!

You're not the first to notice.

Not you. Your amazing scab!

Stop staring at it. It's only small.

It's gigantic! You should be proud.

I've got more important things to obsess about.

Dan's coming over to help me with my dance routine.

Dance routine?

Dance routine?

Yes. I just did it for you?

Oh. That was what it was.

Why have you got a dance routine?

Cos there's a new street dance group at school and I'm so going to be in it.

Daniel knows all about dancing because he was in Fame at the town hall.

Can I have your scab when it falls off?

I need it for my collection.

There are so many things wrong with you, Stanley Brown.

When this comes off, it's going straight down the toilet.

You know I can't let that happen.

Keep away from my elbow.

What now? I could try and bring this one back up again.

No, thanks. We can't just let it go!

That scab's a beauty!

So, Samantha's skin, tell us why you should be

Britain and Ireland's Next Top Layer Of Skin.

Well, I think I've proved so far, in this competition,

that I am great at keeping germs out of the body.

Woo! You go, girl! You're going to go all the way to the top

of the skin, and then fall off.

Yes, but you've got to be more than just a pretty surface.

You've got to have a bit of life in you!

I have up to two million living organisms per square centimetre.

Is that enough life for you?

That is disgusting. But...

those are just the kind of stats we're looking for on this show!

Congratulations, Samantha!

You need to harden your exterior because you are

Britain and Ireland's Next Top Layer Of Skin!

Thanks for watching, folks, and don't forget to join us in 28 days

when this skin will be dead! We'll be looking

for Britain and Ireland's Next, Next Top Layer Of Skin!

-So what are we going to do?

-I don't know.

-Give up? Watch TV?

-Really?

-No!

We're going... You all right, Mike? ..scab Hunting!

Yes! I love scab hunting!

HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS

What's scab hunting?

All right, men, listen up. This is the target.

Stephanie "Scab Hoarder" Brown.

Our information suggests she's carrying one of these.

It's a scab. And it's a big one.

It's already peeling off in the bottom corner,

which means it's coming off in the next few hours.

That doesn't give us much time.

It gets worse. We have competition.

I am king of the scabs.

I've got scabs bigger than a 10p.

I've got scabs bigger than a 50p.

I've got scabs on my scabs.

Stanley Brown, you ain't got nothing on me!

Take me on and I will destroy you!

Gabriel, are you still on your computer? It's tea time, man.

Mum! Don't call me Gabriel, I'm recording.

To make matters worse, the target knows we're onto her

and she's ready for us.

We need video of that scab uploaded to the gross-out website by 17.40.

Twenty to six, sharp. Men, we have work to do.

We can't just barge in there. We need to be clever about this.

Shall I go?

We need a secret weapon.

Someone cunning, fearless, and unpredictable.

Jess!

She's not unpredictable.

Hi-yah!

Karate. Impressive stuff.

Thanks, doesn't hurt to practise.

Yes, it does!

OK. Here's the plan.

OK, Mike, move out. Mike? Where's he...gone?

Hey, it's me.

No, really? Why are you covered in plants and flowers?

Camouflage! With this combat-camo, I can creep up on the enemy or Steph,

completely unseen. What do you think?

I think you're a doofus.

Hey, Jess! See, fooled you, didn't it?

Camouflage only works if it matches your surroundings.

Right. Yes. Could we ask her to go outside?

Listen, Stan said Steph is in her room. I'll execute phase one.

The first part of the plan!

Don't know how this is going to work with a tree following me.

Come in, Dreamy! I mean, Daniel!

Stepherino! GFF.

What are you talking about?

I've got no idea.

I thought you might want to borrow my MP3 player.

Why would I want to listen to your music?

Fine. Just a thought.

Actually, there's still quite a lot of my brother Daniel's music

-left on here, but I'm sure you wouldn't want to...

-I'll take it.

I can work out a routine to his favourite song.

How wonderfully nauseating. Maybe I made a mistake.

Too late. Mine now.

Oh, wow! He likes The Saturdays too!

Good routine, but you know what he really loves?

A bit of the funky chicken.

Like giving candy to a baby.

Psst, I'm over here, and don't you mean taking candy from a baby?

No. They bite, and then the police come down on the baby's side,

at least that's what happened last time.

-Course.

-Right. Time for phase two.

I'll head downstairs and delay Daniel when he comes up.

How're you going to do that?

Headlock, karate chop, judo throw. There are so many ways.

Right, you tell Stanley he can go in.

Oh, and tell him the latest scab sighting is good to floppy,

lower side peeling, becoming stubborn further north.

Peeling, floppy...

Ouch. Karate chop...

It's me!

Shhh! I know it's you! What's this?

It's indoor camouflage. I'm the office.

We don't have an office. Who has an office?

Duck! Even if I did,

I don't think it'd be going for a walk in my sister's bedroom.

-Good effort though, Mike.

-Thanks!

Now go! Before she kicks you in the hole punch.

Go check on Jess.

Hai! Hi, Mrs Brown!

Jessica! You scared the life out of me. What are you doing?

I was...just looking for the way out.

Do you use the same door that you come in from

or do you have two different ways like restaurant kitchens or cinemas

or some larger supermarkets?

What were you doing?

I was checking the car for some earrings I got for Christmas.

Oh, the ones that look like an explosion in the glass factory?

How do you know about my earrings?

I must have heard someone laughing about them.

An admiring laugh, of course. Sort of a "ha-oooh!"

Why do you want them? Is Cash In The Attic in town?

Oh, no. It's my aunty Phyllis gave them to me

and I've got it into my head that she will want to see me in them.

I mean it's probably silly.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Auntie Phyllis, hello, hi.

Oh, yes, I will be wearing the earrings. I love them.

No, I'm telling the truth. I'm looking at them now.

And I'm wearing them. How am I doing both?

Oh, because I've got a lazy eye and it enables me

to see round corners when the sunlight is at a certain angle.

Oh, and I'm looking in the mirror.

Yes, I forgot to mention that, so...

No, I'm telling the truth. You have wonderful taste, yes.

I'll see you, um, er. Huh.

You really need to find them.

I so do. Well, it's that way.

What is? Oh, the way out.

Yes. So it is. Thanks.

-Hi.

-Oh! Oh, Daniel!

Hey, Mrs B. Steph invited me over.

OK. Great.

Go on.

I can't! She's standing on my paper clips!

No, no, no, Stay on mission - get the scab.

Scab hunters never leave a man behind.

Thank you, my friend.

What are you two doing down there?

-Plan B?

-Plan B.

Argh, get off, oh.

Ouch. Oh.

-Yes.

-Right. Want my scabs, do you?

-Get off it!

-Give it!

-This is my scab, Stanley Brown!

You want a big fat juicy scab? Go get your own! This one's mine!

Oh! Yes!

Oh. Hi, Daniel.

Yes.

What happened?

That is one awesome scab.

Geekboy, you're goin' down.

You ain't won yet, Stanley Brown!

I beat you last month with my pus filled boil,

I'll beat you this month with my scabs!

You are nothing. I will destroy you!

Have a nice cup of tea, dear.

Mum!

Well, I think you won that game of SCABble.

In fact, I think you should take it to SCABorough,

or even overseas to SCABdinavia.

Where's Scabdinavia?

We've got him beat. And in plenty of time for the deadline!

Just need to film a quick clip of this.

-Not so fast! I knew it was you!

-What?

-You took my crystal earrings!

-But I didn't!

Then why was one of them in your room? Explain that.

Er, um, er.

Sorry. Could be anywhere.

If it helps, it's definitely in this time period.

Well, find me that other earring.

Mum, but if I miss the deadline, I'll lose the competition

and Geekboy2000 will reign victorious for another month!

That'll be six in a row!

Victory is mine!

I can still hear you, you know. You only turned the monitor off!

Find it.

Never mind, Stan. You can't win them all.

No! I win them all!

Will someone turn him off?

We've still got a few hours.

We just need to find that earring. Scab hunters, assemble!

HEROIC MUSIC

Wait, aren't we technically earring hunters?

Yeah, but it sounds a bit girly.

HEROIC MUSIC

What are we going to do?

Maybe he could buy her some new earrings?

With what? He never has any money.

Well, he could sell some of his old things.

Felt tips with no lids.

I already bought a load of these the other day,

otherwise I'd have 'em off him.

What about this rubbish old crystal making kit?

It's not like he's ever going to need to use it.

What?

Stanley!

What's this?

And more to the point, does anyone have any more corn flakes?

I'm having to make horrible new crystal earrings for my mum.

Oh, wow, is it her birthday?

Oh, no, for the scab, I remember, good plan.

-How does it work?

-Look at the instructions.

Oh, instructiones! Old school.

Olivia!

Now, Archie, I'll keep it simple. A crystal is a substance

with a highly ordered internal structure.

This is what gives them their regularity

and means they can be cut into nice earring-friendly shapes.

Diamonds and rubies are crystals,

but so are everyday substances like sugar and salt.

You can get kits that let you make your own crystals

containing chemicals that you dissolve in water.

When the water evaporates, the leftover chemicals cling together

to make your very own crystal. Ting!

Wow.

No... Hat! Right.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, Aunt Phyllis, oh, she's here!

And she's driven, which means that she hasn't lost her sight.

Oh, someone give me a break, oh!

KNOCKING

-Hi, Mum. Nice hat.

-Have you found my earring?

-Please tell me that you have found my earring?!

-No, but,

I made you a new one.

OK, that is terrible! But it'll have to do!

-Well?

-What?

I got you your earring. Where are my scabs?

-Please!

-I put them down somewhere on the counter.

I saw Steph looking at them, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Steph?

This is going to be so brilliant! I am going to be holding my sides

and everyone's going to be cringing, like, so much!

Together we will destroy him!

Steph? What are you doing with my scabs?

They're not your scabs, Stanley. One of them's mine.

-I'm sending a video of it to Gabriel.

-Gabriel?

-Geekboy2000.

-Why?

So he can enter it in that stupid competition.

You have failed, my old nemesis! Behold your final humiliation!

Steph and I are going to prom!

My nemesis and my nemesister!?

Seriously, we're not going to prom.

But you're videoing your scabs for me.

Because Stanley ruined my dance session! How am I supposed

to get into the street dance group when my coach thinks I collect scabs?

I wouldn't hold that against you. In fact, I'd quite like it.

Urgh! I don't collect scabs!

I just want you to feel what it's like to have

someone ruin your things for you, Stanley.

Right.

Don't email him! Just give me one minute.

I can fix this.

OK, so just to be totally clear, I dumped you.

In your dreams.

So, did you have a nice journey down, Aunt Phyllis?

Those earrings.

Hmm?

Are they the ones I got you?

Yes.

Aren't they awful?

I don't know what I was thinking of when I bought them.

Eurgh! Take them off immediately.

Daniel's on his way.

Great. Go up to my room, I'll meet you there.

Hang on. Where's Mike?

Scab hunters! It's time go undercover!

I'm the living room!

He never gives up, I'll give him that.

Worst camouflage ever.

But I got the right room and everything!

DOORBELL RINGS

OK, that's Daniel. Archie, thanks for doing this.

Oh, no problem, I mean, by directly communicating with anyone but you,

I risk the entire future of the multiverse, but hey,

it's no biggie, scabs are scabs.

Great, and remember, be quick and keep it simple.

Don't worry, simple's my middle name.

Just stay in here and I'll get your MP3 player.

Yeah, well, hurry up, and don't tell your weird sister I'm here.

-HIGHPITCHED VOICE:

-Don't pick your nose.

-Who said that?

-The other voice!

-DEEP VOICE:

-It was me. Your conscience!

My what?

Your conscience! You know, the voice inside your head?

Your inner thoughts, etc, etc.

I have inner thoughts? For real?

Aii. For real, blood.

So the inner thoughts are in my blood?

That's well freaky.

How come I've never heard you before?

Because you've never listened! It's time to start listening now, Daniel!

Go and see the girl, give her another chance.

No way, Mr Brain. She waves scabs in people's faces.

I don't like that in a girl.

But you do like thinking about pancakes, don't you?

I will never let you think about them again

unless you go upstairs and do dances with Steph.

All right! I'm going, I'm going!

All right. You helped a bit.

-Woo-hoo.

-So what do you get

for winning the gross-out website Collection Of The Month?

-Kudos.

-Kudos. I love Kudos! They rock.

It's not a band. It's a word.

-What does it mean?

-I've got no idea.

OK, so you won.

But don't think you're safe, Stanley Brown. This is just the beginning!

Behold my amazing bogie ball.

Next month belongs to me, I tell you. To me!

Don't be too sure. Snot hunters assemble!

HEROIC MUSIC

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd