Smells Like Teen Spirit The Revolting World of Stanley Brown

'Welcome to the Revolting World of Stanley Brown.'

-Go science!

-PARP!

HE VOMITS Atchoo!

Sick!

-'Stanley is going to be the world's greatest scientist.'

-Whoa!

'It's just that he doesn't know that yet.

'This is his next door neighbour Jess.

'And his best friend Mike.

'Oh, and here's Archie.'

I'm your great, great, great, great, great, great, grandson,

from the future.

-I'm invisible.

-'And I'm invisible, too.

'I'm Olivia, Archie's incredible robot assistant!

'We've come back in time to make sure that

'Stanley keeps up his revolting experiments

'and becomes the greatest scientist ever known!'

DOOR CREAKS

Smell my stink!

-Hi-ya!

-Agh!

Will you stop coming at me from behind with awful smells!

-What if I sprayed them from the front?

-Stanley...

I do the surprise attacks in this friendship.

I thought you understood that.

Don't worry, Stanley... I'll protect you!

OLIVIA BEEPS

Well, I definitely WOULD protect you

if I wasn't forbidden by the laws of time travel.

-OLIVIA: Mm-hm!

-And, all right, if I wasn't scared of Jess.

Sorry.

-It did stink, though, right?

-Meh!

-Meh?!

-ARCHIE SNIFFS

-That was my Wall of Stench!

It's meant to be the most disgusting stink in the world.

Er, Stanley... You have been in Mike's bedroom.

You do know that's not even close.

But...I might have something that can help!

-OLIVIA LAUGHS

-Oh... Olivia!

What was I thinking?

It's just rotten eggs, rancid milk and burnt dog hairs.

-That's never going to be enough to scare off the builder.

-What builder?

Get out!

Oh, THAT builder.

Yeah, my dad's going to build an office in our garden.

I know. He's already knocked down half of the sheds in the street.

But he won't get this one without a fight.

-Or without getting covered in stinks?

-Exactly.

I've got to stop him getting a brochure to my mum.

-Want to help?

-Sorry, I'm making something for my dad's birthday.

-Really? That's not like you.

-I can do nice things for people, can't I?

I've bought flowers before for...

All right, for people with allergies.

Come on, Jess!

I just need to find a revolting smell to add to my stink mix.

You'd be brilliant at that.

Hey, guys.

Found it.

Wow! Good work, Mike.

Thanks. I'm in training to get into the Junior Marines.

"Apply only if you're the best of the best and under 15½."

-You're really stinky.

-Yeah. It's a pretty tough programme.

-HE SNIFFS

-Eugh!

-What are you doing?!

-Have you got a trainer?

-I've got two.

-Eugh!

-No! Do you have a PERSON to train you?

-Oh...

No.

Come on! Feel the burn! I want to see you sweat!

I want to see your sweat start sweating!

More sweat!

Almost there. Almost there.

Daisy, can you hold the end up?

Oh, thanks, Steph, love, I couldn't have managed on my own.

Ha-ha! I've got so much to do for this aftershave promotion tonight.

I didn't even know you sold aftershave.

Well, I'm branching out. It's called Demolition For Men!

Ha-ha! It's quite a big deal,

which is why it's just so great that you're helping me out.

Oh, Mum! You know I'll always be there to help you.

-Aw!

-Oh, wow, Daniel's outside!

Daniel?! I think he's coming this way.

SHE GASPS, CRASH!

-Oof!

-Quick, just act natural.

< Oof, oof!

Not natural like a tree! Like a normal person!

Good evening.

Just be yourself. Not random.

I forgot what I'm like!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Daniel! Hey, what a lovely surprise!

I am Daisy.

Hey, Mrs B...

-SHE COUGHS

-Looking...relaxed.

Um...

-Ah, hello, Daniel.

-Um, our builder gave me this for you.

-Oh, thank you.

Oh!

Oh, I see you've, um, made one of those model volcanoes?

Er, no. It's my dad's birthday and I was trying to make him a cake.

Oh, a volcano-themed cake?

No? Oh, well, um... it's the thought that counts.

-I'm sure he'll really like it.

-He'd better!

I bet Jess I'd make a better present than she could.

-If I win, she'll have to do everything I say for a week!

-Right.

I'm SO going to get her to clean my football boots.

With her toothbrush.

-Er, nice.

-Are cakes supposed to taste like this?

Um....

-Not...traditionally.

-Oh, see, this is the kind of stuff I need to know.

Please, Mrs B, can you help me?

Daniel, I would love to, but I'm crazy busy today.

-I can help!

-Really?

-Really?

-Yeah! I'm Steph the Chef.

I'm always baking cakes, and scones and egg and chips,

and yoghurt and other things.

-Aren't I, Daisy?

-Am I still being me?

NERVOUSLY: Yes.

Right. No, you're not.

MRS B GIGGLES

Why don't you come on through to the kitchen?

Or, as we call it around here, "Steph's room"!

Yes, yes, thanks a lot for all your help(!)

Who's going to help me set up for the Demolition promotion tonight?

OLIVIA BEEPS

Hey, Stanley! I brought... Oh!

I see you've killed Mike!

That's sooner than I expected.

Don't worry, you can download his brain into a computer, so he becomes

-your faithful robotic companion. Then everyone's happy.

-But he's not dead!

Just exhausted from the exercise I've made him do to get his sweat.

-HE LAUGHS:

-Why would you say that?

Hang on! In the future, do I kill Mike and put him into a robot?

Well, I, er...

Oh, look! I'm changing the subject.

Hey, alive Mike!

-What's this?

-It's Mike's sweat.

But it doesn't smell as bad as I hoped.

-That's because sweat doesn't smell.

-Yeah, it does.

Er, no, it doesn't. As sure as Mike here is breathing.

Well, what does Mike smell of, then?

MIKE SIGHS Farty bacteria!

Bacteria on Mike's skin eats the sweat then farts out the smell.

Olivia, show him!

OLIVIA BEEPS

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Good evening, sir! Madam!

Welcome to the sweats-taurant.

You seem to do a lot of sweat.

Mike's sweat is our speciality, sir.

Mike's body produces the finest sweat when he becomes hot.

When the sweat evaporates,

it cools him down and prevents him from overheating.

Magnifique!

That sounds delightful. I'll have the sweat, then, please.

Um, I was wondering. Do you have anything else?

-PEOPLE GASP, MUSIC STOPS

-If you wish to eat something else,

-you may wish to DINE somewhere else.

-PEOPLE MURMUR

Honestly, that waiter was so aggressive!

Well, this IS an armpit restaurant.

Yes, but... I have a problem with sweat.

It makes me...break wind!

It's so embarrassing.

Nonsense! That's what all bacteria do here. It's our blow-offs...

PARP!

..that make Mike's sweat smell.

If it wasn't for us, there'd be no such thing as BO.

Oh, look, here comes the sweat now.

MUNCH-MUNCH! PARP!

PARP! ARCHIE: Eugh!

Everything hunky-dory?

Everything's hunky...

..dory! Yep, yep, fine, yeah, good, I think we've got everything we need.

Flour, eggs, sugar.

-That's salt.

-Oh, yeah, course, um, I was just testing you.

Well done.

-So this is?

-Sugar?

Yes, honey?

-Yeah, well done. So now, we need a...

-Mixing bowl?

Yeah, OK, you can get that.

It's there.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, course it is.

What's he doing here?

Jess!

So...making Dad a cake, are we, big brother?

-No.

-And with Steph, too.

No way are you going to beat me.

You're so going to end up doing everything I say for a whole week.

Excuse me! I am a very brilliant baker.

So get your toothbrush out, Jessica.

-You'll end up cleaning his boots.

-Care to make a bet?

-Yeah, I do.

Tell you what, if we win, you have to do everything I say, as well.

Cool. And you'll be mine when I win.

I need someone to pick off my toenail varnish.

You two can have a foot each. Later, losers.

-What are you doing?!

-Keep still!

This won't stink until your pit bacteria have let rip.

Come on! Hurry up!

The builder could be back at any time to kill my shed!

Are you talking to my bacteria?

I talk to my bacteria.

All right, lads?

-Stanley... I don't mean to worry you or anything, but...

-But what?

No!

-I just thought you should know.

-No, not my shed, no!

Why?! No!

Oh, thanks for helping, Daisy.

You're like the daughter I wanted my actual daughter to be.

No problems, Mrs Brown.

It's nice to spend time with the old folks.

-Do you...mean me?

-Yeah!

-Oh...what is this?

-Oh, um, that's, er...

a cardboard display stand for the Demolition sales party.

Oh, wow! Can I help you put it together?

He's back! I hope Mum hasn't seen this.

Relax, mate.

Your mum won't want to knock down the shed and build an office.

Hello, boys!

-I can't wait to see this when it's built. Will it take long?

-No!

Apparently, they pop together really quickly.

-This should be constructed before we know it.

-ALL: Huh?!

Stanley, are you OK?

-Fine.

-OK, well, I'm just going to put this here for a bit.

Why? What's in it?

Aftershave. I need it out of the way while I tidy.

There's loads of your stuff out here already!

Stanley, this is my shed. I'll do what I like with it, OK?

Anyway, it'll only be here for a bit.

I'll need to take it back inside for the Demolition party.

ARCHIE: Huh?!

You're having a party for the demolition?

Yep. I think it's going to make a really nice change.

We're going to defend this shed

with the filthiest stink the world has ever sniffed!

-HE SNIFFS

-Trump, boys, trump!

-Olivia...

-'Roger!'

-Is there ANY chance this is going to work?

Well, actually, Archie, making a Wall of Stink to defend the shed

won't be the first time smells have been used in battle.

In fact, in the Second World War, Americans developed

a whiffy weapon known as "Who me?" - a pooey stink spray

the French Resistance used to embarrass German Officers

by making it seem as if they'd had a "little accident".

Only problem was, when the French sprayed it,

it made them smell bad, too, not just their enemy.

Phw-eugh!

Shouldn't the cake mixture be a lot thinner than that?

Oh, no, common mistake.

-This is totally right for the kind of cake we're making.

-What kind is that?

A birthday cake!

But sponge? Chocolate? Carrot?

Carrot?! This is a cake, not a vegetable.

Who ever heard of carrot ca...?

Oh, carrot cake. Um... Yeah, no, it's kind of a cross between

a banoffee and a Swiss roll.

Can you get me a spoon, please?

Here.

Oh, no, no, no. Not that one!

Um... I'm kind of after a special spoon,

halfway between a tablespoon and a teaspoon.

So a "teablespoon".

Yeah, it's right at the back of that far shelf over there,

like behind the files or something.

"Knead the dough"?

This is supposed to be bread?!

Oh, no!

Hey, Steph. Look at me.

-I'm your mum's friend now.

-SHE GIGGLES

Oh, no! Daisy! Look what you made me do!

Well, thanks to Daisy, we're going to have to start all over again!

Grr!

'So, you're ready to set up your sales party for Demolition,

'the rugged scent for men.'

Yes. We are.

THEY GIGGLE

'Awesome. So, let's construct

'your easy-to-assemble presentation display.

'Grab back part 2 and side section A and bring them together, like so.

'This is your first step on the road to Demolition.'

-Ah... Oh, this is easy.

-LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

'Awesome. Now attach sections F and M, like this.'

-No, he means that one.

-Ah!

-'Awesome.

'Now fold back tab B into slot Z and retract the flap.

-'Awesome.'

-No, this is not awesome!

-'Fold tab C into...'

-Um...

-'..slots A, J, H and I.'

'And it's already starting to take shape! Well done.'

-OK, so add some rotting meat.

-Eugh!

-All we need now is some vomit.

-Brilliant!

Mike, can you puke in here, please?

But...I don't feel sick.

You will when you've had a whiff of this!

Jess, can you stop making that thing for your dad?

-We've got a shed to defend!

-Stop moaning! I'm nearly finished anyway.

So, my dad's favourite things are fishing, Victoria Beckham

and bird-watching and steam trains.

So...look what I made him.

THEY ALL GASP

-Don't you like it?

-No, no, it's very...

Yeah, I think it's great, too.

It's like the sun!

Don't look directly at it or it'll burn your eyes!

Right, I've got to nip home to get some wrapping paper and maybe a bow.

Look after it.

Yeah, that'll improve it.

I don't like it in here any more. Can I go?

Go and keep an eye on my mum.

See if you can find out what she's planning for my shed.

-Take that thing with you.

-No way! That's why I'm going!

OK, so I've completed the most awesomely foul stink of all time.

-Can I have a sniff?

-Er, yeah...

It's no good, I can feel it staring at me.

I'm going to move it.

So I'll just take a really big...

HE SNIFFS

Ah! GLASS SMASHES

We don't care about this, right?

That's my mum's box! She'll kill me if she finds out!

'Place tab F into slot M.'

There is no slot M!

If you say "Awesome" one more time, I'll tell you where to put tab F!

'Awesome. Now fold along crease 7.

-'Fold C into slots A, J, H and I.'

-No, no, that's not it.

-I'm folding!

'Then place tabs A, D, 12 and X4

-'into slots 8 through 12.'

-Fold everything! Fold it all!

-'Tighten flaps A...'

-No, tighten the flap!

-Crease the creasing!

'..and crease along tab 7 to 14.'

Eat my tab!

'Your display is complete. You're now ready to sell...

'Demolition!'

May I present you with Demolition.

This isn't right.

-How's it coming, MasterChef?

-Really well!

Yeah, er, no, I mean great. No peeking! How's the cleaning?

Impossible. Let's just do it later.

Don't look!

I want to surprise you. It's a secret family recipe,

and you're not allowed to look at it, even the end product.

Well, you're the expert.

Yes, indeed, a very attractive and available expert.

Ha-ha! Don't look at my mixture.

What are you doing?

I'm sworn to secrecy and cannot tell a living soul.

I'm spying.

Not on you. On your mum.

Oh, right, OK. Your secret's safe with me.

I won't tell another person.

Don't worry about him, Daniel, he's just spying.

Now, let's see what Stan's mum's got planned for the shed.

-Oh, looks awful.

-Yeah.

-When do the Demolition men get here?

-Soon, in about an hour.

Well, that explains a lot!

Why would you want to blend spinach?

Here, train fish bird! Time for a little bit of wrap...

Eugh! What is that smell?

Nice way to take revenge. That'll teach your mum to demolish the shed.

I didn't do it on purpose!

I had a moment of utter stupidity.

Only an absolute idiot would fall on that, I know. But that's me!

A clumsy, good for nothing doofus!

All right, don't be so hard on yourself!

The demolition men are coming! They'll be here in an hour!

Do you think they'll have one of those big balls on a chain?

OK, we're finished!

No, we're not finished!

This is where the fight back starts.

With smells.

Load your weapons.

We're going down fighting.

'Hold up the manly bottle of Demolition For Men.

'Don't forget to smile.

'Like a man. Spray it.'

-Ooh!

-Nobody move!

-NASALLY:

-Jess, take the window. Mike, cover the door!

OK, we know what you've got planned. Which way are they coming in?

Um, what are you talking about?

-The demolition men!

-Er, well, through the front door.

So. There it is.

You're going to pull down the shed and build a perfume office.

-When were you going to tell me?

-What are you talking...?

-Don't deny it!

You've already admitted the demolition men are coming.

Front door, team alpha.

Clear.

Yes! The men who are coming to sample

-my new range of aftershaves.

-Demolition For Men!

-Hmm!

So...will that be the stuff that was in the box you crushed, Stanley?

-You what?

-Nothing!

Nothing was crushed. It's all fine. It's youth talk, Mum.

"Crushed" means "like". He's saying I like your aftershave.

-I crush it.

-Stanley, I will tell you now,

if you have damaged my samples in any way,

I will turn that shed into an office.

Well, that's fine... because I haven't.

It's all fine.

Excuse me for a moment.

Good! Because this is a professional operation!

The shed an office! And it's all my fault.

Actually, it's my fault.

Yeah, it IS your fault.

How is it MY fault?!

Look on the bright side - if you hadn't made such

-an amazingly awful smell, I'd never have fallen on the box.

-That's it!

If I can make a horrible smell to defend the shed,

I can make a nice one to save it!

That actually sounds really impossible?

Maybe. But it's the only chance we've got.

Mike, Jess, get some nice-smelling things.

Roses, bacon, toothpaste, that sort of thing.

I've got research to do.

Archie, I need anything Olivia's got on making perfume or aftershave.

Sorry, Stan! Right, noses!

Big ones, small ones, cute ones, piggy ones.

They're everyone's favourite facially-located smell holes.

But did you know that your nose goes way back into your skull

up to 11cm?

Almost the same length as a fish finger!

Warning! Do not try to jam a fishfinger into your nose.

It will NOT fit! These days,

perfume makers make their own smelly compounds,

but in the old days, they used to collect millions of flowers

and boil them to extract just the tinniest drops of perfume oil.

But it wasn't just flowers. Smells used to be taken

from the glands of male deer, whale vomit,

-the bum of the American beaver...

-Ow!

..and even the poo of the Cape hyrax. Whatever that is.

I got cinnamon!

I got roses! Boy, Mrs Wilson has one angry cat.

Right, we just need some lumps of whale vomit, a beaver's bum,

petrified poo and a deer and we'll be on our way!

Just get the closest thing you can find!

OLIVIA BEEPS

Do come in, thank you. Hello, hello.

Welcome to my Demolition promotion.

So, er, we would like to present to you

our new aftershave...

..Demolition For Men. Hee-hee. So...yeah.

-Doesn't look like aftershave.

-It certainly smells, though.

Yeah, but not of aftershave.

I don't understand it. We almost used exactly the right ingredients.

Who'd think perfume-making would be a serious scientific process?

Stanley, do you know where my aftershave samples are?

Only I've got a living room full of manly men who want to smell of...

-Agh!

-I thought it was called Demolition?

You DID crush it! That's it, Stanley!

-You're banned from using the shed.

-But...

-But what?

What are you going to magically give me something

that'll make those men smell more manly than they smell already?

Yes! Yes, I am!

-Mmm?

-I've got just the thing!

-Hee-hee!

Bye-bye.

Bye! Bye-bye.

SHE SIGHS

YES! They loved it!

They said it was the manliest they had ever smelt!

What did you put in it?

Oh, it was just an organic compound I extracted from an animal.

-That's how perfumes used to be made.

-Ah!

-It was Mike's sweat in the aftershave, right?

-Yeah, it was.

You smell like the manly men.

GIGGLING

Well, whatever it was, I want a lot more of it,

so you had better get extracting if you want to keep that shed.

Hello, Mike.

I'll get the wet suit.

Stay away!

Don't look. Don't look.

-Can I open my eyes yet?

-No.

You can't EVER open them.

Yes. I totally win!

You're going to have to do whatever I say

-for the whole week!

-What's that?

Wait till I've put the writing on.

What's it going to say - "Happy Birthday, Dad! I'm So Sorry"?

Yeah? What have you got that's so much better?!

Agh!

Oh, Daniel, I'm sorry and it was such a lovely cake.

Is that a sprout?!

OK, keep back! I've got smells and I'm not afraid to use them!

It wasn't my fault. It was Jess's!

Jess's and that horrible, stupid thing!

-Argh!

-HE SPRAYS

You stinked my present!

I thought it was trying to attack me! It was instinctive!

-It's what a Junior Marine would do.

-Ha-ha! You lose, too!

-Yes!

But...wait, what are we going to do?

-I mean, what are we going to give Dad?

-You're right.

We've been so busy competing, we forgot about Dad.

Now we've got nothing to give him.

Apart from the knowledge that he raised two fine kids?

We've got nothing to give him.

-Unless...

-Unless what?

Well, all dads love aftershave on their birthday.

-Where are we going to get aftershave at this time?

-I know just the place.

No. No. Keep away. Stay back. Keep away from my sweat glands.

No trumping, lads, it's what they want.

Argh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd