Be Careful What You Wish For The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it doing my homework when my ma comes in.

Aw, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But, Ma, it's History homework for Hammo.

Ah, History. Gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story of a historical figure

of your choice.

-BOTH:

-He wants every fact, every figure and every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France,

or the man who invented hiccups?

Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all a part of history.

Ma was right, but did I really want everyone knowing everything

about me?

There's some things I wish even I didn't know.

My Da was very persuasive, though.

You know what he's like when he gets fired up about something.

Will whatever you're saying

-mean I have to have to stop reading this paper?

-No.

Do that, then.

So, I'm writing it all down -

The Life And Thoughts Of Roy O'Brien.

Cos these are The Roy Files.

Roy!

I'm lucky, really.

I'd have to say my life is deadly!

'I've got the best ma and da in the whole wide world...

'..lots of brilliant friends...

'..and a sister in a million.'

Wish I was a stupid cartoon like him.

Hang on, no, I don't.

Well, two out of three isn't bad.

But even if you're as lucky as me,

sometimes you can't help wondering how your life might be better.

I know exactly what you mean, son.

You know what they say -

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

Is it? I've never noticed.

-No, it's a saying.

-Sounds more like a hint to me.

Come on, Da, you know cutting the grass isn't my thing.

Nobody's asking you to cut the grass.

I get it, you're not asking me, you're telling me.

But I'm kind of in the middle of something here.

Today's chapter is about being careful what you wish for.

Yes, and another way of saying that is,

-"The grass is always greener..."

-I don't believe this.

He's on about his lawn again.

Anyway, when you're a cartoon boy,

you have to be especially careful what you wish for

cos, most of the time, it comes through.

The school's a jungle and Deco's the king of that jungle, end of.

Deco, king of the jungle?

He's more like a gorilla than a lion.

Yeah.

Well, I wish I was a gorilla.

He wouldn't mess with me then.

'Before I knew what was happening, I was a knuckle-dragging,

'banana-loving maniac.'

Argh!

And if you think a rampaging angry ape was scary,

you should have seen what happened when I wished I was small.

I feel really sick, but Becky's making me do all this work.

He's such a liar. He's done nothing so far.

HE COUGHS

I think you better have a little lie down, love.

Becky can finish off here.

I have a geography test.

-Since when?

-I'm serious.

-See you later, love.

-Hang on, where are you going?

Supermarket! The fridge won't fill itself, you know.

Come on, little man, let's get you into bed.

I love being little.

Sure, being a little Roy was fun at first,

but I don't need to tell you what happened next.

HE WHISTLES

Maybe I should tell you anyway.

'Cos it turned out little Roy was about to get even littler.'

CRYING

Well, I think I can safely say that we've seen it all now.

Oh, Roy!

'Problem was, I soon ended up wishing that I hadn't wished for

'what I wished for because I was better off before I wished for it.'

What if I'm stuck like this?

Oh, Roy, I forgot to tell you,

you're booked in for your baby jabs tomorrow, OK?

Jabs?

This is all your fault!

Mine?

You wanted to be the baby of the family.

Well, now you are.

You say that like you learnt your lesson.

But I don't need to tell YOU what happens next.

Actually you do, otherwise, nothing happens.

Fine.

Basically, Roy's got a brain like a goldfish,

so once he's finished with one disaster,

he turns around and queues up for the next one.

I'm sick of always looking the same.

I'd love to be able to grow my hair and change it.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Nice do, Roy.

'Hey, you change your look all the time.

'Why shouldn't I?'

You're...

..orange.

Oh, em, I've been eating healthy at school.

Yeah, loads of oranges and carrots and all.

No, no, no, never mind that, Roy.

What's going on with your hair?

We should call Dr Raschid.

We should call the zoo.

It's different when I want to change my look.

Oh, really? And how's it different?

'Well, for starters, my hair never attacked anybody.'

'Fair point.'

See? No probs.

Argh!

Tara!

Tara help me, please!

Tara, please!

His hair's gone mental.

Anyway, it's not like it happens all the time.

Not all my wishes come true.

Watch.

See? You're still here, aren't you?

Ha. Very funny.

But not for long.

Ah, that's better.

Well, I kind of miss her now.

Wishing people away is never a good idea.

Like with Hammo.

'There was one thing we all wished we'd here him say.'

I will be taken seriously.

'Not that.'

Stop laughing at me!

'Not that either.'

-The nerve!

-'Or that.'

THEY LAUGH

Right, that's it, I quit.

'That's the one.'

THEY CHEER

-THEY CHANT:

-Roy! Roy!

'Whoever replaced him had to be better.

'I mean, who could be worse than Hammo?'

I'm Lovejoy.

I don't do "Mr".

Homework is dead.

Eh, is this a trick?

Whoa, a cartoon dude.

I love the school already!

That's a seriously cool look you have there, er...?

Roy.

'No Hammo and no homework.

'We taught thing couldn't get any better than that.'

Anybody got any comic books, video games?

Oh, yeah, me, sir.

Magnifico Man...

..Fabulous Four And A Half.

Oh, and you should really read this one, sir.

Snot Boy And Unicorn Girl.

Right.

Put them in the box. You'll get them back during your holidays.

Comics and video games promote violence.

But Snot Boy and Unicorn Girl only use their power for good luck.

Here's a list of approved TV shows you can watch.

The news?

History shows and...

Mr Booby's Happy Time?

These are for four-year-olds.

'We were right -

'things couldn't get any better...

'..but they could get a whole lot worse

'and that's just what happened.'

I can get away with anything.

Just tell Lovejoy I'm doing experiments.

Such a pushover.

Makes Jervis look like Hammond.

Do you know what? Lovejoy's the best thing that ever happened to us.

These are our hallways now.

We're kings! Ha-ha!

What have you done, Jane?

Brr.

What happened to you?

Deco. You?

Fagan.

Water balloons.

This place is falling apart.

I think I miss Hammond.

'Luckily, we managed to turn things around

'and got Hammo back in the end.'

-THEY CHANT:

-Hammo! Hammo!

HE BURPS

'But sometimes, the things you wish for,

'can't be turned around and they're the ones you need to watch out for.'

Spicy!

Roy! Roy, shows us your hands! Let me see your hands.

Oh, come on, Roy, show us it!

Chill out!

Mr Lucy says we have to be careful with the...

..scientific wonder.

Boring!

He's going to turn me into a real CGI boy - is that boring?

Are you serious?

He has to figure out how it happened.

Wow.

That's mad.

So, will you still be, like, Roy?

Yeah, just a zillion times better.

I don't know what you were thinking of, son.

But don't you know we love you just the way you are?

'I know. But if I was a cool CGI cartoon,

'then maybe I wouldn't be such a disaster.'

Roy!

BANG!

-Oh, dear.

-'What are you talking about?

'You're not a disaster.'

Oh!

Ah, Becky, sorry!

'I mean, you have your moments.'

Aah!

Aah!

Oh.

Take this!

Argh!

BOING! BOING! BOING!

'Maybe more moments than most.'

Didn't spill a drop.

-Deadly.

-Ha-ha, yeah.

Wah!

It's nothing to do with being a cartoon.

It's to do with being an O'Brien. Your father's the same.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying I'm clumsy?

Well, um...

..not exactly clumsy.

Who wouldn't want to come home to something like that?

'I'd say it's more that you're spatially unpredictable...'

# Those were the days... # Oh, sorry, love.

'..with a highly advanced sense of gravity.'

'Highly advanced? I'll take that.'

Whoa!

Sorry! Sorry! Nothing's broken!

And I wouldn't have you any other way.

Ah, Maura. Come here to me, pet.

Whoa!

Still though, being like Harry Hare seemed like the answer

to all my problems.

'It would be a wish come true.'

Harry?

Roy, what's up?

But Harry's more than just a handsome hare.

He's got brains to match and he gave me the best advice I ever got

from a talking bunny.

Changing how you look on the outside won't change who you are inside.

At least I wouldn't be so different.

I don't know what to do.

Tell me, please!

You'll figure it out.

After that, I knew exactly what I wanted to change about myself.

Nothing.

I know you all want me to be cool and shiny,

not messing around and perfect and all...

..but I have to be me and I'm really sorry if you don't want that...

We don't want you to change a bit, love.

Really?

Listen...

..you're our Roy.

That's the best thing you can be.

So, there you have it.

Scrapbook sorted,

and plenty to think about when it comes to being careful

what you wish for.

But keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

Instead of wishing for all the things you don't have,

think about all the great things that you do have.

Cos, chances are, someone's wishing

they had what you have right now.

Unless, of course, your wish is to have a sister like Becky.

Because if you want to take her off my hands,

your wish is granted.

-Hey!

-Hee-hee-hee!

-I heard that!

And remember, even though it might look like someone has it

much better than you,

everybody's got good and bad stuff going on.

It's like when you look at their life from a distance,

it's awesome.

But if you got up closer, you'd see it's not any better than yours.

Does that make sense?

I wish there was a better way of saying that.

There is.

That's what I was trying to say to you earlier!

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence!

All right, all right, I'll cut the lawn!

I better go or my da will never shut up about his grass.

See you!