Mistakes The Roy Files

So, there I was, hard at it, doing me homework, when me ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.

Ah, history - gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story of a historical figure

of your choice.

-He wants...

-BOTH: ..every fact, every figure,

and every single detail.

I don't know where to start. What do I know about the woman

who built France, or the man who invented hiccups?

Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all a part of history.

Ma was right. But did I really want everybody

knowing everything about me?

There's some things I wish even I didn't know.

Me da was very persuasive, though.

You know what he's like when he gets fired up about something.

-Does whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?

-No.

Do that, then.

So, I'm writing it all down - the life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien -

cos these are The Roy Files.

Today, I'd like to talk about something

we all just can't help doing -

making moustaches.

No, wait, that can't be right.

Mistakes. None of us can help making mistakes.

Take me da...

-Bill, Bill...

-Yeah?

..you wouldn't get us a repair man, would you?

No, no, not at all, love. No, no, no.

In fact, you go and spend the call-out charge on

something new for yourself. I'll have this fixed in a jiffy, love.

-Oh, Bill, the bin men are here.

-OK.

-No, I'll take them out. I'll take them out.

-Ah, stop.

-They'll only smell.

-You're after missing them - they've just gone.

Yeah. Da never seems to change.

I'm looking forward to a...fresh start with our new neighbours.

Hi!

Our last neighbours stopped talking to us

after Dad fell through the bathroom ceiling.

Ha-ha-ha! He was trying to get my kite off the roof.

It was just bad luck Mrs Murphy was in the bath at the time.

Yeah, but that's all in the past now.

I'm sure we won't have any problem with our new neighbours.

Well, they won't be complaining about the noise any more, anyway!

-Bill! That's not our house! We're next door!

-Da!

-Oh!

Get back in the car! In the CAR!

Drive!

They say you learn from your mistakes.

If that's true, he must be a genius by now.

Look at that, look.

Opens and closes like a dream.

HINGES CREAK

You see, I've always been a bit of a natural at the old DIY.

That stands for "do it yourself", by the way.

I did this, now, look. Watch this, look.

Look.

Not a wobble.

Not a squeak. Perfect, look.

I could do this whole chapter of the scrapbook just on me da.

-A whole chapter on just me.

-BILL CHUCKLES

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

What's...what's it about?

Oh...you know, stuff.

Oh, you jerk!

Good, good, good.

Mammy...

What kind of stuff? Hold on, hold on...don't tell me.

Being organised.

Erm...not exactly.

Erm...I-I know. I know.

Natural talent.

-Hold that chair, son, will you?

-Yeah.

-Good lad.

You see, son, the secret to successful DIY

-is really simple.

-Nice doggy.

You either have it...or you don't.

-DOG BARKS

-Dad, are you OK?

Yeah...yeah. None the better, son. Yeah.

Just going to lie here for another little minute.

Lovely carpet, isn't it?

-No, it's not natural talent either.

-Erm...

Dad?

What?

Shouldn't we put up the wallpaper first?

Probably.

-BOTH:

-Ow!

I've got it. I've got it. Responsibility.

Sure...yeah, that's it. Responsibility.

There...now.

At last, huh?

That's more like it, isn't it, Roy?

Roy?

MUFFLED SHOUTING

-That you, Roy?

-MUFFLED SHOUTING

That's not good, is it? Erm...

Wait, now. Wait...

Yeah, cos if you're looking for a responsibility role model,

I think you've got the right fella.

Plenty of examples of me being responsible, like the time I...

That time you...

...erm, when I...

-Why don't I just get on with it?

-Yeah, OK.

Don't want to hold you up, son.

Good man.

So, where were we?

Oh, yeah - mistakes,

which brings me...to me.

Unfortunately, the hunky good looks aren't all I inherited from me da.

I've also been known to make a few mistakes of me own.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Aargh!

-CHILDREN LAUGH

Roy!

Just ask Hammo.

Aargh!

MR HAMMOND CRASHES

That poor chap has been around for more than one of my mistakes.

ROY!

You'd think he'd get used to it, but you'd be wrong.

-Ah, good.

-CHILDREN COUGH

Now, can the school get back to business? Hmm?

Or is there something else you've got in store for us?

FIRE ALARM BLARES

ROY!

But, hey, we all get stuff wrong now and then.

I'm sure, someday, we'll laugh about it.

Are you for real?

Says the girl in the imaginary thought bubble.

Do you seriously think that you can fit all your mistakes

into one scrapbook?

I nearly forgot - perfect Becky never makes mistakes.

That's pretty much the gist of it, yeah.

Oh, really? And what about our trip to the seaside?

-Come on, I'll give you a hand.

-Come on, Roy.

You weren't so perfect then. You lost me!

What makes you think that was a mistake?

I know you don't mean that.

-So, where do you go to school?

-Do you know...?

I think it's time for a game of hide and seek.

Roy?

-He must have wandered off.

-Yeah, I better go find him.

Roy! Roy!

She seeks him here, she seeks him there.

His goofy sister seeks him everywhere. Ha-ha!

He's run away! This is all my fault.

He wanted to play Dance King Three, but I made him

go on the kiddies' ride instead, so I could talk to...

And that was only your first mistake.

Mistake number two was trying to cover it up.

Hello?

Ma?

Yeah, we're fine. He's playing his dancing game.

Do you want me to take him off it to say hello?

You sure?

OK. Talk to you later.

I wish I never came out to Bray in the first place.

Yeah, well, I did come clean in the end.

I'm going to ring my parents.

-DAD HOWLS IN PAIN

-Hey, Becky. Everything OK?

When?

Right, OK. We're on our way.

-What's wrong with you?

-Roy's gone missing.

Missing? Right, where's my car keys?

-This is my fault.

-It's nobody's fault, Bill.

-No...

So, there you have it. Lots to think about when it comes to mistakes.

Oh, no, you don't. You're not finished yet.

Are you sure? Because I can't seem to think of anything else.

Can't you, now?

So, if I was to say the words "Dad's car, skateboard,

"dopey cartoon boy..."

-Did I just hear Ma calling us for dinner?

-No.

Do you want to tell it, or will I?

All right, all right.

So, I had this deadly idea, right?

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

He's doing a rock and roll!

No, he's doing a bomb drop!

I CAN'T STOP!

-What's he doing now?

-I don't think there's a name for it.

Aargh!

-Watch out!

-Your dad's car!

Aargh!

Well, I thought it was a deadly idea.

But you were mistaken, weren't you?

It's a big bump.

Oh! Oh!

You OK, son?

I...I just had an accident.

An accident?

I didn't mean to.

I-I-I was trying to do a loop the loop, you know?

It's me dad's car.

He's going to hit the roof when he sees it!

So, erm...

your dad's out, is he?

Yeah. H-h-he's just gone across to the shops.

Ah...let's have a gander. Mightn't be as bad as we think.

Just needs a bit of body work done, you know?

Bit of beating out, touching up.

Shouldn't cost too much.

You think so?

Then again, if that bump's after damaging the engine or the chassis,

it can add on another couple of zeros.

ROY GULPS

The thing was, I knew Da would hit the roof if he found out

what I'd done. He once told me he loved that car like a son,

which, now that I think of it, is kind of insulting.

So, what did Roy do? Tried to hide his mistake.

Unfortunately, the dope decided to hide it behind

an even bigger mistake.

Right, tell you what I'll do.

I could take it down the end of the main road and back, you know?

Give it a once over. Check that everything's hunky-dory.

Could you?

I'll need the keys, though.

Hang on a sec.

I think I know where there's a spare set.

OK, it wasn't my greatest idea ever. But I was desperate.

HORN PLAYS LA CUCARACHA

So, we'd gone from car with a it of a dent in it

to a front drive with a bit of a car missing from it.

Have the cab company got a car they can loan you?

No, they're all driver-owned. What am I going to do, Maura?

-I don't know. Call the police.

-Call the police. Brilliant, yeah.

Mind you, that's a waste of time, isn't it? Huh?

I'm only after having it re-sprayed, too.

Lovely new stacking system for my CDs, a buck-skin lumbar cushion...

after spending a fortune on it! And you didn't see anything, no?

-I was in bed.

-What about Roy?

-Well, I don't know. Ask him!

Here, hold, wait...just hold that.

Roy? Good man, listen...

Did you see anything while you were out playing in the street?

-Erm, no...

-Anything suspicious at all?

-I-I...

-Ah, it doesn't...

Maura, that car puts food on the table. What are we going to do?

-Bill, please...

-Oh, brilliant...

Not good. I know I should have just told the truth,

but I was way too scared of what me da would say.

You shouldn't be scared of telling me anything, son.

Even though he trashed your car and gave it away?

Absolutely. I want you kids to know that, whatever it is,

as long as you're telling me the truth, I won't get mad.

Thanks, Da.

Now I feel bad I told you I was writing about responsibility.

-What, you're not?

-No. It's about mistakes today.

And you thought you could fill a whole chapter just about me?

You're on your own, Roy. I'm out of here.

You ungrateful little scallywag!

Wait until I get my hands on you!

Oops! My mistake!

So, plenty to think about when it comes to mistakes,

but keep to these simple rules, and you'll be fine.

Remember, everybody makes mistakes, so don't be too hard on yourself.

And the good news is mistakes are there to be learned from,

so we don't have to make them again.

The bad news is there's always

a brand-new mistake out there waiting for us.

And, finally, if you're not making mistakes then you're not living.

So, the next time you make a mistake, just say to yourself,

"I'm living life at the full."

And then try not being such a dope the next time!

There you go, scrapbook sorted!

Roy, dinner!

Perfect timing!

A few sausages will put me da back in a good mood, no mistake!