Teachers The Roy Files

So, there I was, hard at it, doing my homework and me ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.

Ah, history...

Gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story

of a historical figure of your choice. I want...

-TOGETHER:

-..every fact, every figure and every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France

or the man who invented hiccups?

Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all a part of history.

Ma was right.

But did I really want everybody knowing everything about me?

There's some things I wish even I didn't know.

Me da was very persuasive, though.

You know what he's like when he gets worked up about something.

Will whatever you were saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?

No.

Do that, then.

So I'm writing it all down...

The life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.

Because these are The Roy Files.

-EVERYONE SHOUTS:

-Roy!

I guess there are some things in life that you just can't avoid.

Like me ma and da snoring...

THEY BOTH SNORE LOUDLY

Or...Becky being...Becky.

ROY WON'T GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

But there's something else out there

that's a whole lot bigger than Becky or me parents' snoring.

Today may be Friday...

..but the weekend doesn't start until I say so.

That's right, school.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

it's a great place to hang out with your friends,

but then they have to go and fill it with the teachers.

Hi, Miss!

Hello.

And we all know what they're like...

Yeah, OK, so...

Gravity!

We meet again, my old friend.

School is a lot of things, but easy isn't one of them.

And I should know. I've been to a few.

That first day is always a tricky one.

Is he a cartoon?

Remember what I said about the questions, Declan?

It's Deco!

Sorry.

It's OK, Mr Lucey.

And, yeah, I'm a cartoon.

But don't worry.

I might look a little different, but I'm just like all of you.

SIZZLING

Aaarrrggghhh!

'It's important to make a good first impression.

'Yeah, now you tell me...'

Aaarrrggghhh!

Aaarrrggghhh!

WATER HISSES

'Although one thing stays the same wherever I go.'

Now that you've all had the chance to meet our...

..new addition to the school...

Roy O'Brien...

..you can see he's...

just the same as everyone else here.

And, er...

he'll get treated...

..just the same as you.

'It's weird. It's like whatever school I go to,

'there they are.

'Hammo and his great, big baldy head.'

Aarrgghh!

What are you doing here?

Me?

I'm the new Vice-Principal.

What are you doing here?

Listen, O'Brien,

I may be a very important man today,

but that doesn't mean I don't remember my own first day

as a year seven in St Gary's.

You were a kid? I don't believe it.

Oh, yes.

Young, alert, excited.

A little sweaty, even.

But, above all, respectful of those older and wiser than me.

Which is now why I expect youngsters today

to show me the respect I deserve.

But, Mr Hammond, we always show you the respect you deserve.

Hello, everybody.

I'm Derek "The Hammer" Hammond

and I'm here to make your life very difficult indeed.

HE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG

No running. No shouting.

And, most of all, no having fun.

To anyone claiming that I lack a sense of fun,

I would say Derek Hammond is all for a degree of jollity

in the right place.

After all, I'm famous for my collection of amusing socks.

HE SNORTS LIKE A PIG

And my jokes are the stuff of legend. Ah!

Why was the horse late for school?

Oh, I don't know. Why?

Because he couldn't find his shoes!

HE LAUGHS AND GIGGLES

Shoes...!

Not that that's an excuse or anything.

No, no.

That horse should have made sure

to have the correct footwear ready to go.

School is neither the place nor time for fun.

Don't worry, sir, that was one of the first things I learned from you.

Yes, well...

I'm an excellent teacher.

Now, which of you children is going to tell me...

..the missing ingredient?

ROY SNORES

We're here to learn, O'Brien,

not to enjoy ourselves.

Now, I'm going to have to pick you up on that, Derek.

Yes, school is a house of learning,

but it should also ring with the sound of joy and laughter.

Not this again.

And you call yourself a teacher?

You see, what Mr Hammond seems to forget is that learning can be fun.

Really?

I think I might have forgotten that meself.

I want you to forget that I'm your Principal,

forget that you're in school

and just relax...

Breathing in, everyone.

Good. And letting go...

Philip, put your shoes on. You're in school, for goodness' sake!

Are you kidding?!

Learning is the best kind of fun!

Enchanting English.

Spectacular science.

Fabulous French.

Boring biology.

Ghastly geography.

Horrific history.

Now, Roy, I know that you don't mean that.

What about Mr Lucey's science class? You've always enjoyed that.

He's such a bright spark.

THUNDERCLAP

'Yeah, but I think he's gotten over that now.'

And what about magical maths?

The science of numbers.

Now...what could be more fun than that?

What is six squared?

36.

Yes.

75% of 120?

90.

Excellent, Roy!

3.14159.

What is the value of pi?

How did he do that?!

I suppose it's not so bad...

if you already have the answers on a bit of paper.

And what about the big double H? History with Hammond.

Now, that is fun, isn't it?

With Hairless Hammo?

Ah, Miss, now I know you're joking.

Roy...

that man, he works very hard for your education.

You should have more respect for Hairless Hammo...

I mean, Mr Hammond. I mean, Derek.

Vikings first arrived here...

in boats called...

..longships.

-And...

-What's that?

-Is that a banana, sir?

-No, it's not a bana...

Oh, right.

Oh...

Oh, it's...

There! All right?

Happy?

Longship.

PUPILS LAUGH

But, Miss, his classes are brutal.

He's like a dinosaur in a beige suit.

He is not a dinosaur, Roy.

Mr Hammond, he's just...

he's a little set in his ways, a little old-fashioned.

Set in my ways?

Old-fashioned?

Poppycock!

Sir, nobody's even said "poppycock" in over 100 years.

Any school lucky enough to have Derek Hammond as its Principal...

Vice-Principal.

For now.

..that school will find itself at the cutting edge.

This is my new smartphone.

High res.

19 gigabytes.

HD video.

The outer casing is actually, er...bulletproof.

-PHONE:

-'Mr Hammond's phone is active.'

This little fellow keeps Ballyfermot School

running smoothly and efficiently.

-PHONE:

-'Must buy moisturising cream.

'Must buy moisturising cream.

'Must buy...'

I have very dry skin.

In the dog-eat-dog world of education

you have to adapt to survive.

I didn't become Principal of the 109th best school in Dublin

without embracing the new.

OK, Burne, you have exactly 30 minutes...

..to complete the paper.

Luckily...I've got a timer function on my phone.

Oops. Didn't mean to press that.

-PHONE:

-'Fry the carrots and onions, adding a pinch of paprika...'

Oh.

For any young flibbertigibbets to suggest that my methods are outdated

is frankly disrespectful.

Especially when I'm old enough to be that person's fath...

..slightly older brother.

Poppycock?

Flibbertigibbet?

What is that chap talking about?

Although, to be fair,

teaching isn't as easy as it looks.

And I should know.

I gave it a go that time I swapped bodies with Hammo.

-Oh... Oh!

-Er...we were talking about, er...

..the history of the Battle of Haystacks.

Hastings!

The Battle of Hastings!

I know, Mr Hammond...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-..er, is my name.

But being Hammo wasn't all bad,

although everything smelt like moustache.

Let's talk about

the history of...football.

Tara, who is the greatest footballer ever?

-Er, Pele?

-Correct, no homework for you today.

And the second best footballer ever?

-Mm-hm.

-Beckham.

-Wrong!

Double homework for you, Hendley.

'I think I'd make a good teacher, I've got loads of fresh ideas,

'like new ways of remembering stuff.'

You got to digest the information.

Hmm!

Digest?

Yeah, chew it, absorb it, swallow it, like we do with food.

So, if I did...

I don't know, this?

I think that's what they mean for...

a hunger for knowledge!

Whoops!

BIRDS TWEET Give me a sec.

Mmm! Surprisingly tasty.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. Hunger for knowledge.

Hilarious. And it worked, too.

Er...

what's the name of the ship that got sunk by the iceberg in 1912?

Titanic. Whoa!

What causes bubonic plague?

The rat flea.

Right again! What vegetables contain folic acid?

Broccoli, sprouts, cabbage. This is great!

Genius - what could possibly go wrong with that?

Oh, yeah, everything.

Right, here we go.

"Name." Piece of cake!

Bring it on!

Shh!

Sorry, Miss, yeah.

GURGLING

Oh! What was that?

Right. First question.

"What causes bubonic plague?"

Hey! I know this! Helsinki.

What? That isn't right.

"What's the name of the ship that hit an iceberg in 1912?"

Broccoli, sprouts and cabbage.

That isn't right either. Erm...

"What's the capital of Finland?"

Chrysanthemum.

What? "Express two over three as a decimal."

Er...

Oh, no!

BOOM!

CHILDREN GROAN

OK, so plenty to think about when it comes to teachers,

but keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

Be nice to your teacher, because making fun of a teacher

might have the class laughing with you,

but in detention you're all on your own.

And, remember, teachers are there to help you,

all they ask is to pay a little attention,

so try and pay as little attention as possible.

No, wait, that can't be right.

Anyway, I know it's hard to believe,

but teachers were once kids just like us,

so try not to give them too much of a hard time.

After all, those poor lads and lasses are stuck at school forever.

There you go, scrapbook sorted.

-Dinner, Roy!

-Class dismissed.

See yous!