Crushes The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it, doing my homework, when my ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammond.

Ah, history - gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write

the life story of a historical figure of your choice.

-I want...

-He wants every fact,

every figure and every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France,

or the man who invented hiccups?

Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that? You?

-We're all a part of history.

Ma was right, but did I really want

everybody knowing everything about me?

Cos sometimes, I wish even I didn't know.

My da was a very persuasive, though.

You know what he's like when he gets riled up about something.

Does whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?

No.

Do that.

So, I'm writing it all down -

the life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien,

cos these are The Roy Files.

Roy!

Right, this one has to go in the scrapbook and it's a biggie.

OK. When you're growing up, weird things start to happen.

Some are things you can see,

like when your body decides to redecorate and says,

maybe you'd look good with a couple of spots.

I can't believe it.

I woke up this morning and look - another one.

And sometimes, those spots get lonely

and invite all their friends over.

The state of me.

If that happens to you, I hope your spots aren't as mouthy as mine.

Well, well, look who it is.

Miss Prissy Pants, Spanner Head,

Bulldog's Bum and his sidekick Mood Boy.

Do we have to sit with this pack of losers?

Shut it! 'But the weirdest change isn't the way you look,

'it's the way you feel.'

'It's like you've been taken over by an alien or something

'and you can't control yourself...

'..especially when you're a cartoon boy.'

Can anybody tell me which muscle pumps the blood around our bodies?

The heart.

-Very good, Roy.

-LAUGHTER

One minute, girls just seem bossy and annoying

and then the next, well...

some of them are still bossy and annoying, but not all of them,

some are just... deadly.

Are you OK?

'Yeah. Love is powerful stuff.'

True love can cause dizziness, love sickness and even fainting.

But, like Beauty and the Beast,

it doesn't take long before the two characters finally realise

they were meant for each other.

What's wrong with you?

'And it can catch you by surprise.

'Believe me, I've learned that the hard way.'

I think I might be in love with Kathy.

-ALL: You think you're in love with Kathy?

-Shh!

It's just every time I'm around her, I feel all woozy.

Me and Kathy? Can you believe it?

I couldn't. Falling in love with her certainly wasn't on my to-do list.

-You're in for it now, cartoon boy.

-Leave him alone, Kathy.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Sinead?

Well, tough luck, Roy chose me.

So, Roy, I accept.

You can take me on a Valentine's date.

Carry this.

Sometimes, you just can't stop the magic happening.

Although, looking back, I wasn't really in love with Kathy.

'It was all down to her eau de toilette.

'But sometimes, it's no mistake.'

Oh! LAUGHTER

Kissy, kissy, Roy.

Do you know what? I reckon Tara would love to see this.

Give it back, or else!

But get this. The dream came true.

I was actually going to kiss Tara.

Unfortunately, it was in the school play

and in front of the whole class.

I didn't know what to do.

I'd never kissed a girl before.

He's worried about having to kiss the girl in the play.

Oh, don't be worried.

Sure, you have an expert in your corner here, huh?

See, it's all about confidence, son.

Just be confident and it will happen.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah.

I was floating on air after me first kiss.

It was the best kiss I ever had.

Was it, Ma?

Not at all, no. Her name was Wanda...

I Wanda...wonder...what the...

Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn't a very good kiss at all.

In fact, it was a brutal kiss.

'You might be lucky enough to have an older brother or sister

'who can help you out with this sort of thing.

'Yeah, YOU might be lucky enough, not ME.'

The only thing you need to remember

is to have plenty of spit in your mouth.

-Really?

-Yeah, nothing worse than a dry kiss.

Oh, and make sure to open your mouth as wide as possible.

Thanks, Becky.

You've done a lot of mean things in your time, but that was the worst.

I didn't know you a were a big enough dope to actually believe me.

Oh, no, wait, I did!

And...cue the prince!

ROY GULPS, GARGLES SPIT

'Sometimes, having a cartoon little brother

'is just the gift that keeps on giving!'

ROY GARGLES SPIT

Oh, gross, Roy!

Anyway, at least I got the chance to put things right.

It's just a kiss, no big deal.

Just close your eyes...

WIZARD GROWLS

Whoa!

No, no, no, no, no!

Sorry, sir. I don't know what happened.

'And suddenly, the world was like a different place.'

Mmm! Everything tastes like sausages, life is great.

Almost as sweet as her smile.

But, sooner or later, you just have to get on with life.

Now, make sure you get all the muck out of there, right?

-Like this?

-Hmm?

Lovely(!)

Well, I think it's important that we take the positive out of any

situation and, let's face it, that gutter needed doing for ages.

You're the limit, Bill. Fancy taking advantage of a child like that.

Me?!

I didn't hear you complaining at the time.

In fact, I seem to remember some high dusting.

That's different.

I couldn't be getting up into those corners with my back.

Ah. Argh!

SCREAMING

I didn't mind helping out

and it was nice for me to look down on Becky for a change.

DRIP-DRIP

Wait... That's not curry.

DRIBBLE

-Roy!

-Ha-ha!

Just practising for me next big kissy with Tara.

You're just disgusting.

And you're just jealous,

cos I've kissed a girl and you've never had a boyfriend.

Look it, he's brought two for you.

-For me?

-Yeah.

-Dad!

-Nothing. Hmm?

You sent this.

Why would you say that, love?

He signed it "Dad".

ROY LAUGHS

That's not true. I've had loads of boyfriends.

-You just haven't seen them.

-Why? Cos they don't exist?

No, cos I've learnt to keep them well away from you.

You ruin everything.

Me, ruin everything?!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, really?

Are you having fun yet?

Let's just say...I'm getting there.

Becky, Becky!

Becky!

Hey, Becks! Who's he?

Poor Becky. Maybe she's right, but don't worry -

I'll find someone for her.

When it comes to matchmaking, I'm something of an expert.

'Just ask Jervis and Lucey.

'I started with the classics - chocolates and mushy cards.

"To my sweet Jane.

"I want to be your snucky-wucky Tarzan."

'And I didn't stop there.

'If you want to know what girls really like,

-'you have to do your research.'

-What did you find out?

Well, really that all these magazines are brutal.

What else? Erm...

Oh, OK. This is what I wrote down.

Mood and lighting is important.

Mystery is vital.

Oh, and scent is a powerful factor in romance.

-Scent?

-Smelly stuff.

See if you can borrow some perfume and aftershave.

"Floral Bouquet".

Penny loves it, Ma never uses it.

No?

I got this cologne.

"Dark Lion". Wow, sounds fancy.

OK, step one.

I get in the mood for love.

SPRAY HISSES

SPRAY HISSES

Let the romance begin.

'And it would have worked, too,

'if I hadn't got the bottles mixed up.'

-Hi.

-Hi.

-You smell like my gran.

-You smell like my uncle Bob.

'And I probably should have checked the best-before date on those chocs.

'There was something in the air all right, but it wasn't romance.'

I ate the entire box of chocolates, which were manky,

-they tasted like...

-SQUEAKY FART

BLART

PARP

I...think I'm going to go and do that thing that I was going to do...

-outside.

-Mm-hm.

-Agh!

-Oh!

-Agh!

-Oh!

-MR LUCEY FARTS

-Oh!

-POOT

-Must be the chocolates... Ooh!

-POOT

I don't know why you and Mr Lucey don't get together, Miss.

-He's perfect for you.

-Call me Jane -

and I certainly don't have any time for that kind of stuff.

But he really likes you.

Oh, don't be silly. No, he doesn't.

Does he? No. He doesn't. Does he?

'I'm amazed you've never noticed.

'The whole school knows about it.'

You can always count on me. Jane.

Jane, Jane, Jane...

'It's all in your imagination, Roy.'

MR LUCEY SOFTLY BLOWS

Anyway, I'm much too busy for that relationship stuff.

Is that so?

Mr Lightjoy...

Oh, please, call me Jane.

I'm sorry, Jane. I don't shake hands.

-Oh.

-It's a sign of one person's dominance over another.

-Right.

-I prefer to rub noses, like the Fijians.

MISS JERVIS GIGGLES

The smooth running of the school is priority number one.

You cannot be a good principal

if you're simpering around like a giggling schoolgirl.

I learnt that while teaching underprivileged kids in Polynesia.

Oh...

Oh, yes, right.

So, you see, Roy, I can't allow myself to get distracted.

ROY SNIFFS

I think somebody's pants are on fire.

Good grief, Roy, whose pants are those?

They're your pants, Miss. You're totally lying.

You are well distracted by Mr Lightjoy.

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Roy, I know that I might be

a figment of your imagination in a thought bubble,

but I deserve better than this, don't you think?

Oh, sorry, yeah.

Liar, liar, pants on fire, Miss!

Please.

Just call me Jane.

So, plenty to think about when it comes to crushes and first loves,

but keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

Even though getting your heart broken hurts,

they say it's an important part of growing up -

and when you're grown-up,

you can stay up all night watching TV.

So, if you think about it, it's kind of worth it.

And remember, love is like a swimming pool full of jellybeans.

Everybody wants to fall in,

but nobody really knows what to do when it happens.

Oh, and don't go rushing into things.

There's somebody out there for everybody

and lots of time to find them.

So don't worry, because one day, like it or not...

Boom!

You'll be burping butterflies and dribbling on the stairs, too.

There you go. Scrapbook sorted.

ROY SNIFFS

Just in time, too - I can smell me hot dinner date from here.

SAUSAGES SIZZLE Ah!

Love is in the air. See yous!