Pets and Animals The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it, doing me homework, when my ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework!

But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.

Ah, history!

Gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story

of a historical figure of your choice.

-I want...

-He wants every fact, every figure, every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France

or the man who invented hiccups?

Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all a part of history.

Ma was right.

But did I really want everybody knowing everything about me?

Sometimes I wish even I didn't know.

Me da was very persuasive, though.

You know what HE'S like when he gets fired up about something.

Does whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?

No.

-Do that, then.

-So I'm writing it all down.

The life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.

Cos these are The Roy Files.

-MANY VOICES:

-Roy!

I'd like you all to meet somebody.

This is my pet cockroach, Derek.

I don't know why I called him that. It just seemed to fit.

Just look at his little face!

Cute and lovable.

He gets that from me.

Weird and disgusting, that's all he gets from you.

Yeah, good to see you too, Sis.

What's that, buddy?

OK, I'll ask her.

Derek was just wondering

if that lady cockroach in your hair was single.

What? Argh!

-Gotcha!

-That's not funny!

It is a little bit funny.

Now, where was I?

Ah, yes. I just love animals.

I'm making balloon animals.

It's harder than I thought but I'm getting the hang of it.

I've made...

..a worm...

..panda's big toe

and panda's other big toe.

All animals. You name it, I love it.

-What's that?

-Either an emperor penguin or a blue-winged goose.

What does a blue-winged goose look like?

No idea.

What does an emperor penguin look like?

There's always been a special bond between me and the animal kingdom.

But don't worry, Derek, cockroaches are me favourite.

That's because you've got so much in common.

-You think so?

-Yeah.

Because you're both pests and nobody wants you in their house.

She's only jealous

because she doesn't understand animals the way I do.

Do you want to play fetch? Yeah?

OK. Come on.

Nnnnnnnnnngggg-ah!

DOG BARKS

Have you ever seen someone who likes playing fetch more than a dog?

No. You?

I can really get inside an animal's head.

Unfortunately, sometimes they can get inside mine too.

-ROY CHATTERS AND SQUEAKS

-What in the blue blazes is going on?

He's just getting into the spirit of things, sir.

You know, trying to see things from the animal's perspective.

Role-play.

Well, I, for one, am delighted to see one of my students

expressing himself so freely.

ROY GRUNTS

Although, now we may be bordering on the inappropriate.

OK, that's enough, Roy, now.

Stop it, Roy. Roy, stop it!

Roy, stop that this instant or I'll have you suspended!

ROY CHATTERS

Unhand me! Roy!

Unhand me!

ROY GROWLS PLAYFULLY

Will you stop?!

Roy! Roy, what are you doing? Stop it at once!

Listen to your mother, Roy.

I've never seen such a senseless waste of cupcakes.

I don't know what Hammo's problem was.

I mean, who doesn't love cupcakes?

I've seen some sights around, O'Brien,

but your simian misadventures were the absolute and total limit.

My what? Were the what, now?

He means he didn't like it when you turned into that great big monkey.

Thanks, Da.

I don't know. Why can't teachers just talk like other humans?

Pfff. Search me.

You know, I think I get on better with animals than humans.

Well, not all animals.

Why are you worrying? He's friendly, Roy.

CAT MEOWS

All right, Mungo.

Right, onwards and upwards, huh?

That Mungo was one nasty cat.

CAT MEOWS

That's enough out of you, Mungo.

CAT MEOWS

CAT MEOWS

Maura... Maura!

I reckon Aunt Bridie never fed that horrible old furball.

He just lives off a diet of cartoon fingers.

-Do I have to?

-It won't take you a minute. Go on.

I know, but he's going to be there.

He won't be there. Come on. Good boy.

Come on, love, it's getting cold.

ROY SIGHS

Have you got it?

Almost.

CAT SCREECHES

Argh!

Good lad. You see?

That wasn't too bad, now, was it?

But the worst of it is, even though I'm mad about animals,

me ma and da say I'm not old enough for a proper pet.

All I ever got was a goldfish.

What's his name?

I don't know. How about...

Rover?

Welcome, Rover.

Rover was cool but, you know,

it's not like we ever played down in the park

or howled at the moon together.

And I'm not saying you're not a proper pet either, Derek,

but Ma and Da don't even know about you.

They wouldn't understand.

That's why we keep you secret.

Oh, really! How very interesting.

Ma! Da!

Shh! What are you doing?

What's all the shouting about?

Yeah. I can hardly hear myself making me sandwich.

You know Roy's friend Derek that he's always talking about?

Well, he's not human. He's a...

I forgot me sister was a rat.

-What's Becky talking about, Roy?

-Stop trying to change the subject.

-What subject?

-Why I can't have a pet.

I think it's you that's trying to change the subject.

Just answer the question.

Please!

-What kind of dog do you want?

-Bill!

-What?

-I'm not living with a dog.

Why not?

Because they're smelly, they're messy.

Sounds more like you.

Mam, tell him!

You're not responsible enough to look after a dog.

Yeah, I am!

Listen, love, we already talked about this.

The last thing this house needs

is another great slobbering messy brute

eating us out of house and home.

Listen to your mother, Son.

We've already got one of those.

The thing is, when a cartoon boy gets upset,

who knows what trouble it will lead to?

I wanted to have a dog so much that I actually turned into one.

Don't ask me how. It's a cartoon thing.

Mrs O'Brien. Lovely to see you again.

RAPID PANTING

Roy!

Poor baby!

You call this a minor injury?

I've seen some sights around, O'Brien,

but your canine misadventures really were the absolute and total limit.

Da, translation, please.

Basically, he thought that you turning into a dog was nuts.

Thanks, Da.

-Where are yous going?

-Shopping.

Roy's going to need a...a bowl,

a doggy basket and...

One of those plastic toys he can chew on.

Well, you're not leaving him with me.

-I'm meeting me friends in town.

-Well, not any more you're not.

ROY PANTS RAPIDLY

'Being a dog really opened me eyes to what it was like being a pet.'

ROY BARKS

'And it wasn't all good.'

CAR HORN BEEPS

Stupid dog! Get out of the way!

ROY WHIMPERS

Ready to score the winning goal in the European Cup final?

'Then again, there was an upside too.

'No homework and no bedroom to tidy.

'Just playing all day. Result!'

I thought it was hard keeping up with a cartoon boy.

Keeping up with a cartoon dog is twice as bad.

What are you eating?

-'Plus, there were lots of new ways...'

-Spit it out!

'..to gross out Becky,

'and grossing out Becky just never gets old.'

-Gross!

-ROY BARKS

That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

ROY BARKS

You are beyond revolting.

You keep a pet cockroach and use the lawn for a toilet.

Could you be more disgusting?

-Totally. You forgot about the frogs in the bathroom.

-Ugh!

SHE HUMS

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

What choice did I have?

I had to give Winston and Francesca a home

after I saved them from that deranged killer.

Scalpel.

The chloroform

will knock the frogs out,

so they won't feel any pain at all.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

And now...

we introduce...

..the frogs!

I've seen some sights around, O'Brien,

but your amphibian misadventures

really, really were the absolute and total limit.

Hammo didn't like it when I messed with the frogs?

PUPILS LAUGH

Right, what's going on here?

Where are the frogs?

'After that close shave, it was down to me to keep them safe.'

It's time for me to teach you how to be frogs.

Here I go.

So, in the wild, this is how frogs communicate with each other.

ROY STRUGGLES

I'm all right...

I'm all right.

I'm not all right.

'If they were going to survive in the wild, they had a lot to learn.'

Hopping.

Essential in the wild for a quick escape.

Could save your life.

BOING! CRASH!

FROG RIBBITS

Luckily, they had a survival expert on hand to teach them the ropes.

We're going to learn how to use those tongues, lads.

Right?

So, let's say you want that big, juicy fly on the wall.

Who could resist those little froggy fellas?

Turns out me ma could.

About the frogs...

Really?

They're frogs.

-They're disgusting.

-ROY GASPS

I'm afraid they're going to have to go.

ROY GASPS

Shhh.

I don't want to but it's for your own good.

Maybe some day, years from now,

you'll understand,

when you have children of your own.

Go free and live your own lives.

Are you sure they'll be all right?

It's the best place for them, Roy.

There're safe now.

Goodbye, Francesca!

Goodbye, Winston!

As it turned out,

Winston and Francesca had left me a little present.

Well, a few hundred of them, actually.

And it turns out Winston and Francesca had hundreds of babies.

Seriously, me ma found them hopping in the garden.

Roooooooooyyyyyy!

I don't think I've ever seen her angrier than she was that day.

Maybe that has something to do with her not wanting me to have a pet.

Anyway, plenty to think about when it comes to pets and animals,

but keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

Dogs are a lot smarter than we think.

For starters, we feed them, wash them

and then pick up their poo for them.

Who's really in charge there?

I'm not saying they're taking over the world

but we should probably keep an eye on them anyway.

And, remember, pets are not toys or accessories.

They're just like us.

Well, not humans but,

you know, people.

Well, they're not people but...

Look, just be nice to your pets, OK?

And, finally, pets are a big responsibility.

So if you do get a pet, make sure you look after it.

Right, Derek?

Derek?

Wait a sec. You're not Derek.

And who are you?

And who are those lads?

This can't be good.

Anyway, there you go. Scrapbook sorted.

Now, where did Derek get to?

Roy, come down for your...

Aaaaaarrrrgh!

Uh-oh. Sounds like me ma just found Derek.

I've got to go. See yous.