Music The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it, doing my homework when my ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.

Ah, history.

Gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story

of a historical figure of your choice. I want every fact...

He wants every fact...

every figure, and every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France

or the man who invented hiccups?

Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all a part of history.

Ma was right,

but did I really want everybody knowing everything about me?

There's some things I wish even I didn't know.

My da was very persuasive, though -

you know what HE'S like when he gets worked up about something.

Will whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?

No.

-Good, then.

-So I'm writing it all down,

the life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.

Because these are The Roy Files.

-ALL:

-ROY!

Do you want to hear the best joke ever? Go on, Da.

OK.

OK.

Ahem!

Why is Roy O'Brien, Ireland's first cartoon boy,

such a big fan of music?

It's because...

This is deadly!

It's because...

This will kill you!

..because he really likes the TUNES!

Cos, you see, Roy is a carTOON!

Don't explain it, Da!

You've ruined it.

Seriously, though,

I am mad about music.

GUITAR RIFF

Whoa!

Cool!

-MA:

-Roy!

'Music can do so many things.

'It can make you happy...'

# Dum-dum, dee-dee, happy boys are we

# Dum-dum, dee-dee, happy boys are we

# Living in Toytown, happy boys are we. #

'It can amaze you...'

# Ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah CRACK!

# Ah-ah-ah... #

-What's that..?

-It cracked my glass.

'It can even help you tell people how you really feel.'

ROY SINGS IN FRENCH

What? You think my breath smells like dead fish

and my eyes are like dog poo?

What?

But I guess it can't make you good at French!

Still, though, where would you be without music?

-And there's music for everybody.

-You're not wrong, son.

You're not wrong.

You know, I think my favourite song, got to be the birthday song.

The birthday song? You're joking me?

How could the birthday song be your favourite?

Well, it's the only song that comes with cake!

CYMBAL CLASH

Ha!

Oh, I should have known!

It's funny, but these days I find myself drawn to the classics.

Is that so? My ma, the classical music fan.

Beethoven, Bach...

..Barlow.

Since when was Gary Barlow the classics?

Well, he's a lot better than those zombies you listen to.

Zombies?

Hey, my music is a lot better than it sounds.

No, wait... That came out wrong.

LOUD MUSIC

Isn't it wonderful how music brings a family together?

It's always played a big part in the O'Brien house.

Roy!

Roy!

Roy, can you please just turn that off?!

Shh! Can you keep your voice down, please?

What...are you doing?

Playing classical music to Roy Junior.

-Roy Junior?

-Yeah.

It's supposed to be good for his development.

Everybody loves music, even teachers.

Something to do with expanding the mind.

Miss Jervis loves that sort of thing.

Oh, yes!

At Sandyford Progressive Learning,

we see music as a KEY part of the curriculum.

You could say that it was our FORTE,

but I don't want to HARP on about it,

but we aim to promote HARMONY

by taking careful NOTE to keep in TUNE with our pupils.

Well done, miss. Personal best.

You fitted six into one sentence.

She's the only person I know who could sprain her wrists

by talking too much.

But at least Miss Jervis just talks about it.

# Happy, happy sunshine

# Shining down on me

# Hello, Mr Sunshine, from all the birds and bees

# Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy sunshine

# Shining down on me. #

Boo-bee!

'And Hammo's even worse.'

He uses the power of music for evil.

He uses it...to teach.

# Alexander the Great

# Was very, very great

# And his horse was in a state

# Scared of his own shadow

# Scared of his own shadow...

# Bucephalus

# Boo! #

And as for Becky singing in the shower...

Talk about a soap opera!

GHASTLY HIGH-PITCHED SINGING

Ooh! What's going on?

Is someone hurt?

It's just Becky singing in the shower.

PIERCING HIGH-PITCHED NOTE

Oh...

'Listening to music that loud must be bad for Becky's hearing.

'I guess that explains why she likes that tuneless rubbish.'

Yeah, well, if it was tuneless, melodic death metal,

it wouldn't have the word "melodic" in the genre title, now, would it?

Duh!

And the word...death.

Maybe you don't get it,

but this music really speaks to me.

Well, it really shouts at me!

I suppose I've always felt there's a rock star trapped inside me

just trying to get out.

I'm not surprised he wants to get out. You've got no talent.

So now you want to become a guitarist, do you?

Yeah, why not?

You might have a little bit of a problem there.

Don't listen to her.

I'm actually deadly at my chosen instrument.

'Air guitar is not an instrument.'

# Diddly-doo! Diddly-doo! #

Rock on, Dublin!

'And it still took you ages to get the hang of it.'

'It's trickier than it looks.'

Get out!

'People have paid good money to see me play the guitar.

'The real guitar.'

'Yeah! To see you play it somewhere else.'

'The point is, they paid me.

'There's nothing those pop star fellows have that I haven't got.'

'Apart from looks and talent.'

Ah, I'm sorry.

Did I burst your bubble?

No, but I'm busting yours.

Hey!

Becky's just jealous.

'She saw how close I came to the big time.'

THEY PLAY A TUNELESS RACKET

Stop, stop, stop!

Thank you. Look, lads, I told yous both, I don't play any instrument.

I can't either, but we can learn.

OK, so the music needed work,

but maybe we could distract the crowd with our banging dance moves.

One, two, three...

One, two, three...

Come on, Roy. Where's your moves?

That was different.

I was free-styling! Going mad!

This is different.

This is useless.

We'll never be ready in time.

Like, even if yous two could dance, none of us can sing.

Disaster. But then I realised we were going about this all wrong.

We needed a more modern approach.

We don't have to sing.

Nobody sings nowadays.

Most of them can't.

It's all backing tracks.

Tommy, could you make us one?

Yeah, I suppose I could.

I just need to find someone who can sing.

Yeah, but wouldn't that be cheating?

We were the perfect band.

Sinead had the voice, Tommy had the brains and I had...

Um...

I had...

Listen...to this.

'Well...I had Sinead and Tommy!'

# You may think it's impossible

# You may say it's not true

# But I say that it's only natural

# This love between me and you. #

That's really good. Who is it?

-It's Sinead.

-I didn't know you could sing.

-Maybe she should be in the band instead of me?

-No way.

I can't sing in public.

I know the feeling.

But then it won't be a Roy...

I mean, BOY band, if it has a girl in it.

Doesn't matter. I can make Sinead sound like a guy.

Easy.

-SINEAD'S VOICE:

-# It's only natural...

-DEEPER BOY'S VOICE:

-# It's only natural...

-DEEPER VOICE:

-# It's only natural... #

This will be you, Roy.

ROY WITH A DEEP VOICE: # Love is only natural...

# Like this love between me and you... #

And now for the chorus...with all three of us.

ALL SING DEEPLY: # So don't listen to your parents

# Who are they to judge us, anyway?

# We've got to hold on to each other

# This love is here to stay. #

-Ah, that's deadly.

-Yeah! Yeah!

We were so close to stardom, we could taste it.

And it tasted sweet!

All we needed was for Sinead to do her bit.

Um, I think someone tripped on the lead over there.

Oh, thanks, I'll have a look.

'And then we just storm the audition.

-'No sweat.'

-And the next up is...

..Bandjaxed.

Bandjaxed? I mean, what kind of name is that for a band?

Eurgh, what's he doing here?

I heard that, Roy.

Sorry, sir.

One-two, one-two.

EAR-SPLITTING FEEDBACK

Things have changed a lot since my days in the industry.

What, you were in the music biz?

Too right, O'Brien.

Everybody loved my...

Groovy Gravy.

But now, it's all backing tapes this

and Auto-Tune that.

In my day, you needed to master your instrument.

It's all about study with you, isn't it, sir?

Oh, yes.

Did you know, it takes 10,000 hours of practice

to become an expert in an instrument?

I'm not even sure I'm that old.

SINGS BEAUTIFULLY: # Some say love is just an illusion... #

'But you don't need 10,000 hours' practice if you're a natural.

'Or have a sneaky plan that couldn't possibly fail.'

# But I say love

# Is the only answer

# It's like sunshine after the rain

# You may think that it's impossible... #

Is he...?

He certainly is, dear!

# Love is only natural... #

'I guess it's just a fact of life that,

'when it comes to music,

'not everyone's going to like what you do.

'And Kathy certainly wasn't a big fan of Bandjaxed.'

That's not them singing.

What? Of course it is.

OUT OF TUNE: # ..our love is here... #

-Give it back!

-No, let go!

-What's going on?

-This doesn't look good.

Just give it! Give it here!

COMMOTION FROM BACKSTAGE

Face it, O'Brien,

you don't have a musical bone in your body.

What about my tromBONE, Sir?!

It's jokes like that that make me want to burst my own bubble.

Goodbye, O'Brien.

Thought he'd never leave.

I heard that, O'Brien!

No, Roy!

DISTORTED, TUNELESS SINGING

SINGING CONTINUES

OK, I know it's wrong to cheat and all,

and maybe pop stardom will have to wait another 10,000 hours,

but Bandjaxed won't be forgotten, not around our way, anyhow.

TERRIBLE SINGING

CAR CRASHES INTO BUILDING

WOMAN SCREAMS

TERRIBLE SINGING CONTINUES

So, plenty to think about when it comes to music.

But keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine...

Music is the greatest, so if there's an instrument lying around at home,

give it a go.

Who knows, you could be the next Bandjaxed!

Or if singing is your thing,

the shower is a great place to practise,

because, no matter how bad you are,

your family will always love you.

And even if they get annoyed, what are they going to do?

The door's locked.

And finally...

everybody has their own taste in music,

so just because someone doesn't like the music you like,

you shouldn't give them a hard time.

Except about their rubbish taste in music, of course!

There you go. Scrapbook sorted.

-MA:

-Roy, love, dinner's ready!

Ah, Ma calling me for dinner.

Now THAT'S music to my ears.

See yous!