Bullies The Roy Files

So, there I was, doing my homework, and me ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.

Ah, history. Gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story

of a historical figure of your choice.

He wants every fact, every figure, and every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France,

or the man who invented hiccups?

-Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You.

-We're all a part of history.

-Ma was right,

but did I really want everybody knowing everything about me?

There's some things I wish even I didn't know.

Me da was very persuasive, though.

You know what he's like when he gets fired up about something.

SCREAMING AND CRASHING

-Will whatever you are saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?

-No.

Do that, then.

So, I'm writing it all down.

The life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien,

cos these are The Roy Files.

OK. Let's do it.

This is one bit of the scrapbook

I haven't been looking forward to,

but I can't put it off any longer.

It's not my favourite subject, but it is something that happened to me,

so I can't leave it out.

Oh! Oh!

Sorry, Roy. Didn't see you coming.

Trust me, if you're a cartoon boy

you could write a book about being bullied.

No-one is bursting anyone!

And it would be a horror story.

You just look like a crumpled-up, badly drawn freak show,

and everyone's sick of you.

No, they're not.

Just cos they don't say it to your face...

You wreck everything for everyone.

Look. They don't even miss you.

Oh.

In a perfect world, there wouldn't be any bullies,

and cars would have toilets,

but let's fix the world one problem at a time.

If you were being bullied, what do you do?

Well, the first thing you should do is tell a responsible adult.

That's if you're lucky enough to know any.

You see, all you do is that...

You stand up for yourself.

Yeah...but no fighting, and, er...

try and make friends with them.

Definitely, yeah. Definitely.

-But it's probably best to stay out of their way.

-Mmm.

So, fight back without fighting,

and get close to them but stay away from them?

Yeah. Thanks.

Right, first thing, talk to a responsible adult.

Ahem.

Ah-hem!

Ah-he-hem!

Did you catch a cold, sir?

No, O'Brien.

I just wanted to give you my perspective,

as a hugely responsible adult, on bullying.

OK, then. What have you got, sir?

Truth is, O'Brien, there is no need to worry about bullying,

because I have single-handedly wiped it out.

No bully would dare play their vile trade while I'm around.

In a hurry, are we, boys?

Well, obviously. Do you mind?

Eh! Do you know who I am?

-Jervis's dad?

-What? No!

I am the new vice-principal.

It's just basic mathematics, O'Brien.

Fear plus respect multiplied by Derek Hammond equals zero bullying.

HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Derek, right?

Yeah, well, Derek, we've got to run, so we'll see you around.

That poor chap is living in a dream world.

Oh, it's very easy to condemn bullies, Roy,

but is that really fair?

Is it? Roy? Really? Fair? Roy?

Eh, totally, Miss.

Bullies are the lowest of the low. End of story.

I would suggest that we should try and understand why bullies

express themselves through antisocial behaviour.

So, what you're saying is, when Deco's flushing my homework

down the toilet, that's just him expressing himself?

What I am saying is there is nothing about young Declan's

behaviour that a good old-fashioned group hug can't cure.

-I'm not hugging no-one.

-OK.

Would anyone else like to...?

UPLIFTING MUSIC

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hmm.

We'll come back to "young Declan,"

but first, there's one thing that's almost as bad as being bullied,

and that's when it's happening to one of your mates,

and sometimes, you don't even know it's happening.

OK.

Let's give me ma and da one more chance.

Well, Roy, if one of your friends are being bullied,

the signs are usually there if you watch closely enough.

You may notice someone punching them,

or maybe even become aware of someone standing on his or her neck.

I meant less obvious signs, Bill,

like suddenly they don't seem themselves.

Maybe they're quieter than usual, or even angry.

Oh, yeah.

Like that time with Jack.

Go on, Roy.

-Me? Why me?

-Because he'll listen to you.

DEEP BREATH

Jack.

Er...

HE SIGHS

A good friend doesn't just ignore that sort of thing.

I didn't. Not that he seemed too happy, though.

You can come out now, Roy.

I know you're there.

MUFFLED VOICE: Who's Roy?

-What are you doing here?

-Yeah, I was going to ask you that.

Erm...

I-I like the bins, you see.

Yeah, stop following me, OK?

And even with my super-spying skills, Jack was on to me.

Now, lunch money, hand it over.

So, I had to use the old cartoon invisibility

to find out what was really going on.

I'm going to ask you nicely, one more time, hand it over...now.

And to tie up some loose ends while I was at it.

-Jack! Quick! Sketch!

-Roy, is that you?

Listen, I'll explain later!

We'll be right here after school, and you'd better have that money!

I was just trying to help, but it only made things worse.

No-one's ever stood up to them before.

They're going to want payback.

That's how bullies work, son.

They want you scared and thinking they are stronger than you are.

But they were stronger than us.

It's bad enough I've the Malones on my back

without you guys getting hassle too.

You don't know what it's like.

I know what it's like when people are just mean,

just cos you're not like them.

We have to look out for each other.

But the Malones hadn't bargained on our secret weapon - Sinead.

And she wasn't afraid to play dirty.

Enough messing. Pay up or else!

Er, sorry to interrupt, but were youse two the same Malone brothers

that used to go to Mrs Magee's Irish dance classes

when I was little?

I have pictures here. Take a look.

Me mam loves taking pictures.

I also have an article from the Ballyfermot Gazette,

congratulating youse on your success from your science competition.

She keeps all the papers too.

And best of all,

I've got these pictures from when youse both came joint second

in the Little Mister Ballyfermot competition.

So adorable.

So cute.

It's amazing, really,

how pictures like them can end up on the internet in less than no time,

for everyone to see.

And I mean absolutely everyone.

After that, we had the meanest kids in Ballyfermot in our pockets.

Not that I have any pockets...or trousers.

Anyway, that was the last we heard of the Malones.

It's just a pity Sinead wasn't around to save the day

when I met the biggest bully of them all.

HIP-HOP MUSIC

# Deco!

# D-D-Deco!

# And who is it that makes sure you get lots of exercise?

# Deco!

# D-D-D-Deco!

# Deco! #

Deco's not just a bully, he's lord of the bullies.

Lots of bullies steal lunch money,

but he was the first to accept credit cards.

And he invented the nuclear ninja,

the most lethal wedgie of them all.

He's got all the insults.

Check this out.

-Nedkus maximus.

-HE SNORTS

Not in his natural habitat,

and alone as usual.

PHONE RINGS

He's got the technology to do the dirty work for him.

Oh, this should be good.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

Yeah, it was nothing.

PHONE RINGS

-Here we go.

-Abby, no!

FAST MUSIC

And he knows just how to hit you where it hurts.

What am I supposed to be?

A gorilla, obviously.

Roy...

Didn't you have enough make-up to paint him like a real boy?

If you're not going to buy anything, Deco, go home.

Well, I was going to buy this...

-..but then it burst.

-BALLOON POPS

She said go HOME!

DECO LAUGHS

Whoa, this cat's got claws, lads.

Better do as the tiger says.

Don't mind them, Roy.

GORILLA NOISES

Roy?

This can't be good.

It's like Deco's on a mission to ruin my life.

I tried to ignore him,

but sooner or later, something had to give.

-He's coming!

-GORILLA NOISES

Go away!

You boys are hopeless.

Always keeping your feelings locked up inside.

That's the safest place for them.

Yeah, till they eventually get out.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

GORILLA NOISES

See, that's what always happens when you bottle up your feelings.

-What? You turn into a gorilla?

-No.

They just keep building up until one day, "Boom."

That's why you need to talk about your problems.

Why don't you come down, and we can sort it all out together?

She's right, I think. She usually is.

THEY SCREAM

Like that other time I turned the tables on Deco.

He wasn't so big then, was he?

But I was.

-HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

-Do you hear that?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Let's go.

I'm bored.

Sketch!

He's gone bonkers!

It was payback time.

No, no...!

-Put me down or I'll...

-Or you'll what?

-Or...I'll ask you again nicely.

-Please put me down!

-That wasn't so bad, was it?

Now, buzz off, before I use you to clean the wax out of my ears.

That showed him.

But Tara was not impressed, cos something terrible had happened.

That wasn't just me getting my own back. Now I was the bully.

-We were only having a laugh.

-Is that so? Doesn't sound very funny to me.

But they're nothing but bullies. You said so yourself.

That doesn't mean you have to lower yourself to their level.

I'm very disappointed.

-That Tara's a smart girl.

-She's sure is, Ma.

-And I hope you learned from your mistake.

-Listen to your mother, Roy.

If there's one thing she knows about, it's making mistakes.

-What?

-ROY LAUGHS

What? I'm helping.

Don't worry, Ma, I'll learn me lesson.

Yesterday, when Deco ran off in the park, crying like a baby,

I filmed the whole thing.

I showed it to him on the bus this morning.

You should have seen his face.

I told him if he never bullied you again,

I'd think about not sending it around the school.

Let me see that.

I thought I told you to back off.

Yeah, about that.

Listen, Roy, I know I've been a little not nice lately,

-but if anyone sees that video...

-Relax.

I've deleted it.

BOTH: What?! Why?!

Because it's making us the bullies.

And now, thanks to you, I know what it's like to be cyber-bullied,

and I'd never do it to anybody, not even you.

So, plenty to think about when it comes to bullying,

but keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

No-one should have to put up with being bullied, so if it's

happening to you, tell a responsible adult, as long as it's not my ma,

or me da, or Hammo, or Miss Jervis.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll be able to find someone.

Oh, and don't forget, anyone can be a bully, even you,

so be nice to your schoolmates and your brothers and your sisters.

-Hey, Roy!

-Oh, not now, Becky, I'm writing my scrapbook!

No, wait, that's not right.

What can I do for you, sister dearest?

Ma says your dinner's ready. Weirdo.

Thank you, Becky.

Tell my sausages I'll be right down.

And last but not least,

don't keep your sad or angry feelings all bottled up inside.

They'll just grow and grow until finally, you're a gorilla.

So, there you go. Scrapbook sorted.

I think I hear me sausages calling.

See youse!