Responsibility The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it, doing me homework, when me ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.

Ah, history...gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story

of a historical figure of your choice.

-And I want...

-He wants...

-BOTH:

-..every fact, every figure,

and every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France?

Or the man who invented hiccups?

Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all a part of history.

Ma was right. But did I really want everybody

knowing everything about me?

There's some things I wish even I didn't know.

Me da was very persuasive though.

You know what he's like when he gets riled up about something.

-Would whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?

-No.

Do that then.

So I'm writing it all down,

the life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.

Cos these are The Roy Files.

-CROWD:

-ROY!

When you're little, life is simple.

It's all fun and no worries. Deadly!

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

Oh...

Now...

-Roy?

-ROY GURGLES AND GIGGLES

Roy! I take me eyes off you for two seconds...

Roy, if I don't get this place cleared up before your ma gets home,

I'll never hear the end of it.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, what now? COME IN! IT'S OPEN!

Did you ever wish you were little again? I did.

And, when you're a cartoon boy, that kind of thing can actually happen.

-Stop!

-Go, Roy! Yeah!

-More!

-Stop!

Stop it.

Listen to me, O'Brien,

whatever Miss Jervis might've dreamed up,

in that happy-clappy head of hers,

you have no place in this school, understand?

ROY COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

That was the best day ever. Ask anyone.

Well, maybe not anyone.

O'Brien, every time I think you couldn't possibly be more

irresponsible, you prove me wrong.

Thanks, Sir. That means a lot.

You're welcome... Erm... What? No!

That's not a compliment.

Fun and games are all very well,

but there's a time and a place for knuckling down.

That place is school.

And that time is all the time.

Come on, Sir, even teachers need a little fun now and then.

Not me.

Hammo says that, but I know he's got a fun side.

I've seen him play guitar solos on me arm.

Oh, yeah! Time to party!

Time to kick out the jams.

Roy O'Brien! What is the meaning of this?

Chillax, bro. It's all cool.

"Chillax...b-bro"?

Just who do you think you are?

I'm you, compadre. Just a little less square.

I'm your wild side. Your fun side!

I am Party Hammond. Yee-ha!

HE PLAYS GUITAR

You've got to admit, the little guy shreds!

It's about time you realised, O'Brien,

that life isn't all about fun and larking about.

You need to be less reckless,

and more...more...

More?

-Re-e-e...

-..laxed?

No.

-More re-e-e...bellious?

-No.

More re-e-e...ed?

Responsible, O'Brien. You need to be more responsible.

HE SIGHS

Urgh, that's all us kids ever hear.

And it's not just Hammo -

all teachers like nothing more than coming up with new ways to make us...

I don't even like saying the word.

Let's just say it begins with R

and ends with "esponsible".

Now, today isn't going to be your average experiment.

In fact, some might go so far as to call it,

-an EGGsperi...

-Yes, Mr Lucey's right,

this is no ordinary experiment.

Now, the class is going to be divided into pairs

and each given the job of looking after one of these for a week.

SHE GASPS

But, Miss, they're a bunch of eggs.

So at the end of the seven days, the best parenting duo

is going to be given a special prize.

And now, before you even ask, yes, it is an actual prize,

donated by the Southside People newspaper.

Of course, Becky was supportive as ever.

Ma, when Roy breaks his egg tonight, can we use it to make pancakes?

Becky! Roy, how come they gave you such a dirty egg?

Oh, no. That's just because me and Niall

were playing catch with it on the way home.

What?

What?

You guys don't think I'm going to break him, as well, do you?

Erm...

Bill?

Listen to your mother.

HE GRUNTS

Argh!

DOOR SLAMS

So, just to confirm, that was a yes on pancakes later, is it?

I didn't see what the big deal was.

How hard can it be to look after an egg, right?

Ma!

How could you do that in front of him?

It's fine, love.

Roy? Are you OK?

Am I OK? Am I OK?!

Look at him, he's a nervous wreck!

Roy, he's an egg. There's nothing wrong with him.

It's you we should be worried about.

I don't know, Ma,

looks like the first stages of post-traumatic stress disorder.

MA SIGHS

After I look up what that means, we're taking this straight to court.

Yeah.

I suppose cartoon boys and responsibility aren't a good mix.

OK...just take deep breaths...

Tara? What're you doing here?

-SHE SIGHS

-I'm taking the egg, Roy.

Look at you, you're cracking up. This stress isn't good for you.

I'm not stressed. It's called being responsible.

I wouldn't mind if it was just teachers who were always on me case.

After all, ruining your life is what they're paid to do.

But what's in it for me da? Besides, he's a bigger kid than I am.

-DA YAWNS

-Anyway night, Roy.

-Night, Da.

-Da?

-Mm? Yeah?

-This is my room.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I knew that. I knew that.

But that doesn't stop even him getting in on the act.

Roy, come on! We trust you to wake yourself up

and you're already running late five minutes ago.

OK! Start the car running!

A-A-ARGH!

Hey, Da, you know the way you're always telling me to be

-"more responsible"?

-Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. And I won't be stopping anytime soon.

It's called good parenting.

You're going to have to start acting a bit more

carefully around the house.

-What do you mean?

-Well, let's just say

that your current level is hurricane, all right?

I'm going to need you to downgrade it, slightly, to a tropical storm.

-You want me to be like a tropical storm?

-No. That... No.

That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is

that you're going to have to start acting more responsibly.

What? I'm super responsible.

-Oh, yeah.

-Urgh!

CAR DOOR SLAMS

One Ballyfermot, two Ballyfermot, three Ballyfermot,

four Ballyfermot, five Ballyfermot...

That doesn't prove anything!

But, Da, there's one thing I don't get.

What? Why toast always falls jammy side down?

-There is that, but...

-Why can't we tickle ourselves?

-That too, but...

Why everything doesn't just smell like the inside of a nose?

No. It's why I have to be responsible and you don't?

Me? Not responsible?

How could you say such a thing?

See, what we used to do was put a bit of grease on the door handles...

-HE WHISTLES

-..and you go...

THEY LAUGH

-That's not funny.

-No, I know that.

That's so not funny.

Now, stink bombs in the staffroom, that's funny. That's a classic.

-Hee! That's not funny at all, is it?

-No, that's terrible.

-That's very...

-It's awful.

-Mm?

Yeah, well, that was back when I was a kid.

-These days I'm nothing BUT responsible.

-Oh, really?

CROWD CHEERS ON TV

Ma, can you give me a hand with my homework? It's taking me forever.

What happened to your da helping you?

He was useless.

Bill, can you help her? I'm busy.

HE SNORES

Da, are you asleep?

Da, hello? Wake up!

SHE SIGHS

'Being a father is the biggest responsibility a man can have.

'It means being there for your kids whenever they need you.'

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

Boring.

CROWD CHEERS ON TV

HE SNORES

'Because nothing comes before family.'

Da, I know you're not sleeping.

And, even with him for a da, I've still tried me best.

What could be more responsible than having a job?

DOGS BARK Scrappy, Fella, Ernie...

No, don't! I'm warning you!

Now, I'm not saying I'm the perfect employee.

Send the nozzle towards the compost.

Roy!

You OK, Roy?

But I am a hard worker, you've got to give me that.

BABY CRIES

BABY GIGGLES

BABY CRIES Oh, no... Wait, hold on... Erm...

BABY CRIES

HE SIGHS

Roy?

Roy?

LULLABY PLAYS

HE SNORES

The thing about jobs is, if you look hard enough,

you'll eventually find something you're good at.

Let me save you some time. Stop looking.

-You're no good at anything.

-What are you talking about?

I'm deadly at loads of things.

Boy, have you seen any birds?

-ALL:

-No!

Do you see any birds now?

-ALL:

-No!

I give up.

Oh!

'How else would I get a job as a magician's assistant?

-'I've got mad skills.

-Yeah. Wow...

'Getting bashed on the head, is there nothing you can't do?'

THWACK!

'I've got way more skills than that.'

-Like what?

-I'm inflatable too.

And now are you going to help me blow up...

-Boy?

-No, it's Roy. Oh, never mind.

-Shall I blow up...

Boy?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Oh, dear!

HE GRUNTS

Am I supposed to be impressed?

You've got the same skills as a balloon.

I am so much more talented than a balloon.

Can't stop!

A-A-A-RGH!

HE BELCHES

THEY SCREAM

THEY SCREAM

She says she's not impressed, but I know she is.

So there you have it.

Plenty to think about when it comes to responsibility.

But keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

Don't let grown-ups fool you,

even they're not that responsible. They're just big kids pretending.

That's why it's called acting responsible.

Oh...

and always take responsibility for everything you do -

even if it gets you into trouble.

Because, one day, when everybody stops being mad at you,

it'll be a funny story and you'll get all the credit.

But seriously, everyone,

it's very important that you try your best to become a sensible,

responsible young person.

It's the only way to get an adult's trust.

And once you've got that, you can get away with all kinds of crazy stuff!

Scrapbook sorted.

I'm out of here, see yous!