Being Yourself The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it doing my homework, when my ma comes in.

Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But Ma, it's History homework for Hammo.

Ah, History. Gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story of a historical figure

of your choice.

BOTH: He wants every fact, every figure, every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France

or the man who invented hiccups?

-Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all a part of history.

-Ma was right but did I really want

everyone knowing everything about me?

There are some things I wish even I didn't know.

My Da was very persuasive though.

You know what he's like when he gets fired up about something.

Will whatever you're saying

-mean I have to have to stop reading this paper?

-No.

-Do that, then.

So, I'm writing it all down, the life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.

Cos these are The Roy Files.

Grown-ups are always coming out with stuff that makes no sense.

Like this thing my Ma always says -

it's like a catchphrase.

Da, you know what I'm talking about?

That thing your mother always says? Pfft!

Don't remind me!

"I don't care if it is the weekend, Bill,

"we all wear trousers at the dinner table here."

No! Not that, the thing she always says to me.

Oh, right. Oh, right - you mean,

"Mammy is so proud of her little Roy wonder.

"She could kiss the cute off his cartoon cheeks."

-KISSING NOISES

-That one?

No!

Er, I don't know what you're talking about, she never says that...

I meant the other thing.

Yeah - "Don't put your wart cream on

"until after you get out of the bath"?

No! "Be yourself" - that's what she always says. "Be yourself".

Be yourself? Really?

-She never says that to me.

-But it doesn't make sense.

Because who else are you going to be?

You can't be someone else,

because someone else is someone else,

and you are you, right?

Yet, well, what I think your mother is actually getting at

is...while you can't actually become another person,

you...well, you shouldn't pretend to be someone you're not

just to get other people to like you.

Oh, you mean like Becky?

Ma, can I borrow your fake tan at the weekend?

-And will you help me dye my hair blonde?

-No way.

Oh, come on.

Look at me, I'm like a milk bottle with a crow for hair.

Forget it, Becky, if Martin doesn't like you the way you are then...

You've been reading my diary again!

No. No, I haven't.

I heard you talking in your sleep on the couch.

I mean, she's a great girl,

but that doesn't stop her trying too hard sometimes.

I mean, Becky is a lot of things, but cool isn't one of them!

Thanks a lot, Da!

She is, however, very forgiving.

Which, in my opinion, is a far better quality.

Oh, how are you, love? I didn't see you standing there.

Yeah, right.

And FYI, I am cool.

Yeah. Yeah, of course you are.

It's just that I'm cool and adaptable.

This is my big chance to join the coolest gang in school,

and you're not going to mess it up.

Join them how?

When I heard they were looking for a place to watch the match,

I said I had a free house.

But you can't stand football?

Roy, Roy, Roy, you've so much to learn about the ways of the world.

It doesn't matter if I don't like football.

They're never going to know. I'll just wing it.

-But that's so fake.

-It's not fake,

it's called being able to adapt to different situations,

like a chameleon.

I don't know why you wanted to get in with those eejits anyway.

Nothing wrong with making an effort for some close friends.

Football scarf. Check. Nibbles. Check.

Chocolate. Check.

Biscuits.

I just hope these are cool enough.

I mean, what if they prefer other, cooler ones?

Do they even eat biscuits? Oh, this is stressful.

Hey! I think that football was offside, right?

Come on, Ref! Get your eyes tested.

On second thoughts, I reckon I have this down.

I hope.

I can't believe it. Everyone is really enjoying themselves.

I've never seen them so excited.

Well, there's making new friends,

and then there's letting a bunch of losers walk all over you.

Hey, Vicky, is there any more food coming? Cos we're starving.

Yes, some of us haven't eaten since brunch.

You mean it's all gone? I only put it out a while ago.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Oh, er...

I'll see what I have.

And it's...

..Becky.

Besides, they were just using you to get to the coolest kid of all.

So, Vicky, I hear you have a cartoon brother?

It's Becky.

Sorry, Becky.

I hear he's quite the entertainer, you know, we'd love to meet him.

He's not really into parties.

So, do you think United are going to win?

Maybe it's a good idea it if you ask him to join us.

The party's getting a little boring, don't you think?

Well, no, I thought everyone was really enjoying themselves.

It's called being polite.

Go and get him.

It's one of the only reasons why we're here.

Seriously?

Hey, everyone, Vicky's cartoon brother is on the way.

And that wasn't even the worst part.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Well, its way more fun than one of your parties!

What's going on?

Who are you?

Friends of a friend, Becky,

just popped in to watch the match.

Her name's Vicky.

Get out, right now. I didn't invite any of you.

Your party was on the internet, wasn't it?

So that means you've invited the whole world.

Get out, or I'm calling the police.

Hey, come down. Ever hear of hospitality? Jeez!

I'm serious.

Well, go ahead then, call the police.

If you don't mind your folks finding out about this party.

Getting thrown out of our own house...

That wasn't cool.

Whoa!

Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-This is a nightmare.

Just imagine how much worse things could have been

if you didn't have an awesome cartoon brother to save the day.

-No-one upsets my sister.

-Leave it, Roy.

Roy?

-I didn't know you could do that.

-I was a little surprised myself.

Roy?

Wait, please, I don't know how that happened!

-Argh!

-Agh!

BLENDER WHIRS

Where are yous off to? The match hasn't even started.

How is that happening? Ah!

This house is full of ghosts.

THEY LAUGH

Not exactly your finest hour, was it?

Do you know what I always say?

-ALL: We know! Be yourself.

-Always wear your trousers to dinner.

Er, be yourself, I knew that.

Hang on, should you really be lecturing me

about the whole being yourself thing...

-POSH ACCENT:

-..Moira?

ROY AND DA LAUGH

I've no idea what you mean.

KISSING NOISES

-POSH ACCENT:

-Here we all go. Welcome.

Oh, yes... I'm warning you.

-Doesn't Moira have a charming little house?

-Oh, ladies.

It's amazing what can be achieved on a tight little budget nowadays.

What are you, an interior designer?

Ah, ladies, have you met my daughter, Rebecca?

'Oh, Rebecca. That's simply wonderful.'

And that was just the start of it.

So, we'll see you here next week, again then, so?

And maybe without interruptions from non-book club members?

-Does she mean me?

-Rebecca, don't you have homework to do?

-Anyway...

-Harriet, thanks for the opportunity.

I won't let you down.

You're so welcome, kisses! Mwah, mwah!

-Bye!

-Bye!

Mwah, mwah, Oh, Olwen.

Mwah, mwah - bye-bye!

-Mwah, mwah!

-Mwah, mwah!

Fionola, bye! Bye-bye!

I know exactly what you're going to say, Becky.

You can save your breath.

Don't you mean Rebecca?

Becky! Come back here!

Well, this raking over the past is all very well.

-But don't you have chores to be getting on with?

-Chores?

-In here?

-She's got a point, love, it is a cartoon bubble.

Oh, thanks, Bill, supportive as ever.

-No, I'm just saying...

-Well, don't just say.

-Stop picking on Da.

-Me! I'm the one that's getting picked on here.

I can't believe I wore trousers for this!

Enough. Ah, much better. Now I can hear myself think.

Whatever that means.

CLANKING AND GRINDING

Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot.

There was that time I tried to let someone else be me. Big mistake.

THEY SCREAM

..you ever stop screaming?

-HE SCREAMS

-What on earth is going on?

It's all my fault, Ma.

I made a photocopy of myself to get out of chores and homework.

And now he wants to take over my life.

What? No, Ma! I'm the real Roy.

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

I didn't know how I was going to get out of that one,

especially when Ma started playing detective.

OK, we're going to have a quiz.

The O'Brien family quiz.

-The real Roy should know all the answers.

-Good idea, Ma.

Question one.

What's my job?

Oh, em...

Something to do with Dr Raschid?

Is assistant doctoring a thing?

-No.

-No.

Administrative executive manager.

Correct.

Question two.

What age is Becky?

Oh, um...12...

-..teen?

-No.

It's not polite to tell a lady's age,

but Becky will be another year older on September 2nd.

Correct.

What's Bill's favourite film?

Ah, yes, well, of course, that would be the award-winning costume drama

-Lady Harrington's Reading Gloves.

-I wasn't asking you, Bill!

Yeah, the reading gloves film.

BECKY SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

Actually, it's Vital Explosion IV.

Correct.

Yes, indeed it is.

I couldn't believe it - that fake Roy knew more about my family than I did.

But I was forgetting something -

mas are always way smarter than you think.

So that's 20 correct answers for one Roy,

and 20 incorrect answers for the other Roy.

Ha! Nailed it! In your face!

Which tells us that you are the impostor.

-Me!

-Yes, you.

Because Roy would never rub someone's face in it like that.

-But I got all the questions right.

-Exactly.

Roy never pays that much attention to his family.

I said the real Roy SHOULD know all the answers, but I knew he wouldn't.

'So it all worked out in the end.'

And you know why?

Because the other Roy was trying too hard,

while I was just being myself.

-Looks like somebody learnt their lesson.

-Yeah.

Deffo, Ma. And it's all written down so I won't forget.

Good lad.

Mammy is so proud of her little Roy wonder,

she could just kiss the cute off his little cartoon cheeks.

Ah, Ma, not in front of these.

Anyway, just be yourself.

Keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

Relax and don't worry about what other people think of you.

You're all right. Trust me.

And don't try to be someone you're not,

you'll only end up getting your house wrecked, or talking funny.

And remember, we all have things we'd like to change about ourselves,

but hey, nobody's perfect.

And who wants to be perfect anyway?

It will only make your family think you're a photocopied impostor.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

So, there you have it, sorted.

-Bill, where are your trousers?

-Sounds like my dinner is ready.

See yous.