It's a Puppet The Slammer

'Dear Mum, there were some brilliant acts on The Freedom Show today.

'The audience were amazed.'

AUDIENCE: Oh!

'The acts were spectacular...

'..and like nothing I've ever seen before.

'Wish you were here but then you're not a showbiz criminal,

'so you're not here... Love Pete.'

SOMEONE ELSE RETCHING

Shut up, Melv.

'PS, Melv is really annoying me.

'Something well weird has happened to him.

MELV YOWLS

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to the Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

Wayne was dressed as a giant sausage - then I woke up. Hee-hee!

What did you dream about, Melv?

Melv?

Um... Pete?

Yes, Melv.

Could you come up here for a minute please?

Arghhh!

BOTH SCREAM

I tell you what, Frank. With acts like this

today's Freedom Show will be a cracker.

I'll take your word for it.

We've got Flaming Fun. Can you say that?

Duelling Sabres.

Christian Lee.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

And Betty Brawn, the strong lady.

Huh! Strong lady, sir?

All right. I take it back. Put me down.

(Where did she come from?)

Guv, Guv, something terrible has happened.

I've turned into a puppet!

Do you really expect us to believe that that thing is Melvin Odoom?

A likely story, lad!

It's true, Mr Burgess. Just look at this.

# Don't stop till you get enough. #

Blimey, it is him, sir.

Course it is. Even as a puppet I've still got the moves, right Mr B?

Oh dear, not another one! Gimbert, open the stationery cupboard.

Guv, did you hear what I just said? Melvin's turned into a puppet.

Yes, yes, yes. It happens.

What do you mean, "It happens"?

VOICES CLAMOUR

-Melvin!

-Throw 'em a pasty!

VOICES SILENCED

Seeing as it's you he doesn't have to go in there.

You can take Melvin back to your cell,

but you must look after him.

Don't worry, I will.

-Come on, Melv.

-MELVIN WHIMPERS

-COMPUTER BEEPS

-An e-mail coming through.

Third one this week. Must be a rush on.

Ooh! "The Ministry of Prisons Entertainment Division,"

-that's us...

-Sir!

"..demand that one more act be added to The Freedom Show

"with immediate effect."

Oh, Frank! It can't be done!

All right, now just calm down, sir. Deep breaths.

The paperwork. W-W-We'll never find another actor at such short notice!

-Deal Or No Deal's on in a minute!

-You've got a lot on your plate.

Never mind about that now. Let's focus on the problem in hand.

It's almost showtime.

Well there... is one other option, sir.

Oh, no, don't say it, Frank.

Well, we could give one of those prisoners a chance, sir.

No, no. I will not have one of those prisoners

on one of my Freedom Shows. I will not have it.

-I'll say it again, SIR!

-Yes!

-SIR!

Think about it, sir. What would Noel Edmonds do in this situation?

-You're right, Frank. Make the necessary arrangements.

-Sir!

And prepare to backcomb my hair.

It's no good, Pete. I can't stand it. I'm meant to be cool,

-not a cross between Pinocchio and a rubber glove!

-Melv.

Sorry, Pete, but I've got to break out of here.

I've got to find a cure for this.

You're my best mate and there's nothing wrong with being a puppet.

Absolutely right!

But I'll help in any way I can.

Thanks, mate. In that case I've got a plan.

We've got to wait until showtime, when everyone's distracted.

HE WHISPERS

Fifth act! It's ridiculous.

It'll ruin the whole show.

DISTANT CHEERING

-Sir.

-Oh, is it done. Frank?

Yes, sir. It wasn't pleasant though, sir.

-Some of those acts - eugh!

-I know, Frank, but we had no choice.

Anyway, it's almost showtime. How do I look?

BOTH: Divine, sir!

Thank you very much. In that case it's Deal Or No...

-Ah!

-Yep. It's showtime!

It's showtime.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now please welcome your host. He's the keeper of the keys,

'so put your hands together please for the Governor.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

ALL: You are!

Are we going to have fun today on the Slammer? Yes?

ALL: Yes!

Remember, little jailers and jailbirds,

you are the ones who decide which of the acts go free.

Four performing prisoners to see and and a very special bonus act as well

here on the Freedom Show. So, on with our first act.

I thought Mr Burgess had started the Slammer barbeque

a bit earlier on there, cos this first act are hot stuff.

Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome your first act.

It is Flaming Fun.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

TECHNO STYLE MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LATIN STYLE DANCE MUSIC

# Happiness and joy

# Happiness and joy

# Happiness and joy

# Happiness and joy

# Happiness and joy

# Happiness and joy. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, there they are.

Wonderful. Flaming Fun, weren't they good?

Don't let me catch any of you playing with fire.

I remember Gimbert went out with a fire eater once.

He kissed her goodnight, she burnt all his eyebrows off.

You'll be deciding at the end of the show who goes free,

which prisoners go free from The Slammer.

It's up to you to decide.

What did you think of our first performing prisoners?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Well, Flaming Fun there.

But were they heart-stopping or heartburns?

They were flame-tastic!

And they used their skill very well

and they impressed the crowd.

What did you think of them?

Er...it was OK.

But I haven't seen the other acts yet, so I don't know.

Ooh, you're cautious, aren't you?

What about you, sir?

I think they were flaming hot, like, wow!

"Flaming hot, like, wow"?

Yes.

I thought it was really amazing and basically perfect.

-Sum that act up for me, sir, with one word.

-Spectacular!

Spectacular, sir! Thank you, sir.

I can't leave without the others.

Look! He's got a picture of Noel Edmonds.

Wow! Sorry.

MOANING AND HOWLING

SHOUTING AND ROARING

Shhhhh!

What's that noise? Sorry about this.

-Gimbert, go and see what's going on.

-OK, uncle.

As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,

our next prisoner is a marvellous strong lady,

please welcome Betty Brawn!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

My word, what an experience to see Mr Burgess picked...

He hasn't been picked up by anyone in a long time.

That's right, sir.

Hello! Hello?

What did you think of Betty Brawn?

Mr Burgess, have you recovered?

Well, Betty Brawn there. Where do you stand on strong women, sir?

It's the first time in my life I've seen a woman pick up a man.

Really? There are places you can see that all over the country.

But that's another story.

What was the best part of her act?

Tearing the book in half.

I could tear a book in half, as long as I do each page one by one.

I think I could probably do that as well.

Sum that act up for us in one word, sir.

-Strong!

-Strong, sir.

Yes, the department of prisons, entertainment section,

have decided in their wisdom that we've got to have a new act.

It's the solitary confinement act.

Solitary confinement, that's where we keep the prisoners

who are too awful to be seen and kept with other prisoners,

and they stay in solitary confinement.

But they have the chance to perform.

If they get the thumbs up, they go into a nice cell

with cocoa every night and real toilet paper.

But if they get thumbs down, it's back to solitary confinement

and a cruel and unusual punishment.

Mr Burgess, what is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

-Today, sir, it's being tickled until their heads drop off.

-Fair enough!

Right, so that's solitary confinement.

But we need a judge. Who would like to be the judge?

Lots of hands going up. Mr Burgess?

What about you, young lady? Would you like to be the judge for us?

Give her a hand!

Here comes the judge. Hello, judge.

-What's your name?

-Rachel.

Rachel, you've got to decide. Can you do that with your thumb?

Start in the middle. If you like them, up.

If you don't, down.

Well, we're ready to do it.

Please bring on today's act from solitary confinement.

# Keep young and beautiful

# It's your duty to be beautiful

# Keep out of the winter storm

# If you want to be loved... #

FARTING NOISES

FARTING NOISES CONTINUE

NOISES CONTINUE AND GET LOUDER

Come on then, can we have some applause?

Well, I don't know about you,

it's no wonder they're in solitary confinement.

Thumbs up, and it's living like a toff.

Thumbs down, their heads drop off.

Rachel, it's all up to you. Get that thumb out.

You've got five seconds to decide. Here we go.

It's up, yes!

Take them back to the nice cell!

Give them a round of applause, and Rachel as well.

Marvellous.

Wonderful.

Right, on to our next performing prisoner, he's a magician.

He's mystical, he's magical, he's hoping to go free.

Will he be? It's up to you to decide.

After you've experienced the mystical magic of Christian Lee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Ah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Ah!

How do they do that? Let's ask Mr Burgess.

Well, we've got a breakfast cereal that can turn the milk chocolatey

but how did he do that?

I'm not quite sure really.

-You don't know. Do you know, Miss?

-No.

-You haven't got a clue? Do you know?

-No.

-Do you know?

-No.

What was the best bit about it?

When he drew the bowling ball

and then the page opened a little bit and out came it.

Looks like I've got a bowling ball stuffed down my shirt, doesn't it?

One final word, sum that act up. Sir!

-Fablemo.

-Fablemo, sir!

Friends, puppets, countrymen...

I have a dream, that one day all puppets will escape

from HMP Slammer and search for a cure for their puppety-ness.

And that day is today. I invite each and every one of you to join me.

I may have the body of a weak and feeble puppet

but I have the heart and stomach of a relatively normal-sized man!

ALL: Yeah!

Let's do this!

-Go on.

-Bye bye.

-Good luck.

Bye bye, Mrs Eggs.

Bye, Nurse Ratchet. Look!

Just one more performing prisoner act to see.

-Have you enjoyed them so far? Yes?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Will this be the act that goes free? Well, they're Duelling Sabres.

May the force be with you.

The force was with them, the police force. They nicked them sabres

but they're a marvellous performing prisoner act.

Please show your appreciation for the Duelling Sabres.

AUDIENCE: Ah!

APPLAUSE

That Darth Vader chap, where has he gone?

Give them a round of applause!

Ooh, he's there? He's everywhere.

I'm nervous now.

Ooh, he's there. He's creeping up on me.

Looks like Mr Burgess on a bad day.

But what did you think of the Duelling Sabres?

Let's find out, with Mr Burgess.

Right, well, bringing the excitement of Star Wars to us there.

-What did you think of that, sir?

-Fighting, I live fighting.

-You like fighting.

-Yeah.

-Do you go out on a Friday night

-looking for it, sir?

-Yeah!

-Did you enjoy it?

-I actually think it was quite amazing

because of the way their swords were flinging

and little stuff was coming apart, kind of, from the thing.

-And you like Darth Vader?

-Yeah.

-Can you do an impression of him?

-HE BREATHS DEEPLY

That's a bad chest you've got there, Darth, very good.

And for one final word - face your front, sir -

sum that act up!

-Sabretastic!

-Sabretastic, sir!

I'll catch you up.

And now me, old buddy.

I'm going to miss you, Mel.

Remember, there's no face like foam.

There we go.

I can't watch.

Pete... Pete!

I'm stuck.

Well, there's all our performing prisoners. So let's bring them back

and see who's going to take the walk to freedom.

Please welcome Flaming Fun, Betty Brawn, Christian Lee

and the Duelling Sabres. Let's hear it.

Yes!

Well, four marvellous performing prisoners but only one act

can go free from the Slammer, their debt to society paid.

With the aid of this, yes, Gimbert's all-new clap-o-meter.

With lots of clapping and cheering, the clap-o-meter turns it

into a score. The higher score, that act goes free.

It's simple. A bit like Gimbert!

Right, well, the first act up was marvellous. They were hot stuff.

Did you think that?

Let's hear it, please, for Flaming Fun!

LOUD APPLAUSE

Let's have a look.

Oh! A good score. 89.4 for Flaming Fun. That's good, that's good.

Right, that's a very good score but Betty Brawn was next.

My word, she swept the boys of their feet.

She swept Mr Burgess of his feet and you can't say fairer than that.

Would you please give some noise

and applause to the wonderful Betty Brawn?

LOUD APPLAUSE

Oh, she goes into the lead with 91.5!

Betty Brawn at the moment is going free.

Well, he was the man of mystery. Will you see him going free?

It's Christian Lee.

He goes into the lead with 92.9!

What a noise!

Wow! At the moment, as you can see there, 92.9 is Christian Lee.

Just one more marvellous act to see.

Yes, they had the force. Will they force their way out of the Slammer?

It's the Duelling Sabres!

APPLAUSE

Oh! 90...

Oh! It's close. No, the winner and going free from the Slammer,

it's Christian Lee!

Take it away, off you go.

Go on, away you go.

He's free to go. Give him a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.

The rest of you, back to your cells.

The good news is, it's for tea. What's for tea, Mr Burgess?

It's a French classic tonight, sir. Sloppy ploppy porridge.

-That's not French!

-It is if you drop a snail in it, sir.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Look after yourselves. Give them a round of applause. Here they go.

Back to their cells.

Well, that's it jailers and jailbirds.

From all the gang here at the Slammer,

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme, don't do the crime!

Take care, everybody. Bye bye jailers and jailbirds. Bye bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Email [email protected]

That really hurt. I think I need a glass of water. Oooh! Ow!

Shut up!