Breaking In The Slammer

"Dear Mum, it's been another action-packed week here in prison.

"As usual, we have some amazing acts on the Freedom Show.

"There was the Silver Dragons...

"They were great. Also, DJ Woody.

"Mugenkyo Taiko Drummers.

"Bankina, you'd have loved them, Mum."

"But I'm not happy, see?

"This week, I nearly got to appear on the Freedom Show myself,

"but a certain someone spoiled everything."

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Attention, please. Would all today's premium show acts

please get into costume ASAP, as the show starts very soon. Thank you.

Slight problem with one of today's acts, sir.

-What sort of problem?

-RETCHING

-What's wrong with him?

-He's a very sensitive performer, sir.

Someone made a rude comment about his act and he's been sick ever since.

RETCHING

Yes. Never mind, at least today's other acts are fit to perform.

But, Uncle, we're still one act down.

Oh, you're right, Gimbert. Oh, this is a disaster. Look at the time!

Me and Titch would be delighted to go on the Freedom Show.

Go on, Guv, give us a chance.

Well, you have been behaving very well lately. All right.

Peter Nokio and Titch, I...

Wow!

If you're down an act for the Freedom Show, I'm your man.

-Sorry, I can't remember your name.

-Stevie Sparkle.

Singer, dancer, magician, actor, comedian and all-round legend.

I live, breathe and eat showbiz.

Hey, I even sweat showbiz.

Ooh, the smell of success!

Not bad.

Pick me for the Freedom Show, Stevie won't let you down.

-Yeah, but me and Titch...

-It's a real tough one, this. Er...

Maybe this might help you decide.

Ooh! "To Ted. Love your work, Beyonce. Here's my mobile,

"give us a call some time, handsome."Ooh!

This will go in my office, in front of the photo of Mrs Governor.

-And the Freedom Show, Guv?

-Get ready, Stevie, you're in.

-But, Guv...

-Ah...

-But, Guv.

-Ah!

There'll be another time. I'll get Beyonce to the office.

Better luck next time, Nokio.

-This is just so not fair!

-How long have you been in the Slammer, anyway?

I've been here for days... Weeks, months!

Anyway, who cares? I must dash. I've got to rehearse.

Oh, this is just great(!)

-Stevie Sparkle, what a complete...!

-I can't believe it.

Me and Titch should be on the Freedom Show before "Stevie Sparkle".

We've been in the Slammer way longer than him.

I don't remember Stevie arriving in the Slammer at all.

Actually, neither do I. He just sort of appeared.

Yeah, appeared.

BOTH: Hmm.

-A little help here.

-Oh, sorry, yeah.

ALL: Hmm.

OK, just type in Stevie Sparkle, press the number, and...

Barry Chuckle?!

What are you looking at?

-The prisoner database.

-You shouldn't look at that.

Look, it's Stevie Sparkle.

-According to his prison number he's really Barry Chuckle.

-What?

Barry Chuckle's in D Wing. Why's Sparkle wearing his number?

This is confusing, better have a chat with young Stevie Sparkle.

Yes, sir.

# Remember my name

# Fame

# I'm gonna live forever

# I'm gonna learn how to fly

# High... #

Oh, hiya, Guv. Just rehearsing for the Freedom Show. Very excited!

I want a word with you, Stevie Sparkle.

Or would you rather we called you Barry Chuckle?

Who?

What?

Don't try and deny it, lad.

We know you're wearing Chuckle's prison number.

But...I am Barry Chuckle.

I've just had a bit of work done.

And a shave.

To me, to you.

Guess who I found in D Wing tied up wearing only pants? Barry Chuckle!

That's not a good mental picture.

You monster, Sparkle! Come on, give us the truth.

OK, I admit it!

I'm not really an entertainer.

I'm just a...

a wannabe.

-Oh!

-That's disgusting, sir.

A wannabe? How did a wannabe get in my prison?

I broke in, OK?

Impossible. The security of this prison is state of the art.

What sort of idiot breaks IN to a prison?

I thought if I was on the Freedom Show I'd get my big break.

Wait! That signed photo of Beyonce was...

Fake. I've never met Beyonce. I've not even met Basil Brush.

I want this dirty little wannabe out this second. Hey!

Stevie Sparkle will become a star!

Whatever it takes. Woo!

Go after him!

There's no time for that. How do I look?

Divine.

Thank you very much. It's showtime!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now, please welcome your host,

'if you're a showbiz baddie, he's the man.

'Yes, he's your daddy.

'It's The Governor!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's The Governor?

AUDIENCE: You're The Governor!

We've got some acts today, hoping to go free.

Will it be the fabulous, mysterious,

all the way from South America, Bankina?

Ooh!

Or could it be the Mugenkyo Taiko Drummers?

Ooh!

Or could it be DJ Woody, yo?

Ooh!

It could be any of those. But it could be this first sensational act.

Show your appreciation for...

The Silver Dragons, yeah!

CHEERING

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC RESUMES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jailers and jailbirds, what a fantastic act. The Silver Dragons.

Will they go free at the end of the show?

Or will they stay here in The Slammer,

and the time does drag on and on?

See what I did there?

Drag..on. Dragons.

LAUGHTER

High-energy start, but Silver Dragons or White Elephants?

I think it was great and think they should do it in a bigger show.

How big would that show be for you, sir?

With about a million people.

Do you have a venue big enough to hold them?

Erm...

Probably.

-Silver Dragons. Silver or Gold for you?

-Gold.

Gold. Tell us about them.

It was amazing and breathtaking.

The flips and dance moves were sick.

-Sick?

-Yeah.

-You'd be sick if you did a cartwheel!

LAUGHTER

Miss, sum that act up for me in one word.

-Brilliant.

-Brilliant.

Mr Burgess? Mr Burgess?

Have the wardens caught that reprobate wannabe Stevie Sparkle?

Not yet, but we've got our best men on it.

I want him caught, and if you don't...I'll tell Mrs Burgess.

-You're not?

-Yes.

I'll get onto it right away.

Catch him!

Right, we've got a fantastic performing prisoner act for you.

Make some noise for...Bankina!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

RAP MUSIC

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What an act!

Are they going free?

Well, not bad.

-Sir?

-I thought they were...amazing!

-Do you want to physicalise it, sir?

-I want...

-Get up, sir!

-Physicalise it!

-I want to be like them, but...

-Get up and physicalise how you feel!

-But I don't want to be in jail.

-Have you done anything naughty on stage we should know about?

-Not yet.

LAUGHTER

Hold on a minute. Didn't I see you in The Nativity in 2006,

-playing the part of the shepherd?

-Probably.

-With a dodgy crook?

-I think that was me.

-Up you get, sir.

-Come on, sorry.

-But I don't...

-Ah! This way, sir.

No, it's no use protesting.

No, I'm afraid your time's up, sir.

The law has finally caught up with you, sir. In you go.

-What about you, what did you think of them?

-It was cheesy-tastic!

I didn't see any cheese in that! There were no dairy products at all.

-Well, it was as good as cheese.

-As good as cheese.

-You look like a big fan of cheese.

-Cheese, cheese, cheese.

Is that all you want in life?

-Cheese!

-Cheese.

-LAUGHTER

-And your thoughts on the act?

-Cheese!

LAUGHTER

-One final word. Sum that act up for me, miss.

-Awesome.

Awesome, sir!

Wow, what a fabulous act.

Now, it's time for the performance we call Solitary Confinement.

Yes, Solitary Confinement - one act, kept tucked away,

whose crimes against show business were so terrible,

we had to keep them away from everyone. If they get a thumbs up

from you, it's back to their cell and a treat.

They'll get a lovely feast - faggots and peas and gravy. Ooh!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

But if they get a thumbs down,

-it's back to that cell for a punishment. Mr Burgess?

-Ha!

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, they are to be covered in jam and dipped in maggots,

while singing Ave Maria. LAUGHTER

Well, what will it be? We need a judge. Who?

-You, sir!

-Give him a round of applause. Up you come, sir.

APPLAUSE

-What is your name?

-Samuel.

-Samuel, do you have a thumb?

Yeah, good. All right, let's get ready,

as we present our act for you, called Solitary Confinement!

It's coming! The Comedy Carrot!

# Doo-do-do-do-do... # Argh!

What? Eh? Arrgh...

PIANO MUSIC

# My gift is my song

# And this one's for you

# Ra-ra ah-ah-ah

# Ro-ma ro-ma-ma

# Ga-ga ooh-la-la, won't show that...

# There's no business like show business

-# Like no business I know

-No business finer

# Nowhere could you get that happy feeling

-# When you are stealing that extra bow

-That extra bow

# When I grow up, I wanna be famous I wanna be a star, wanna be in movies

# When I grow up, I wanna see the world, drive fast cars

# I wanna be in movies

LAUGHTER

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: # If you wanted the sky, I'd write across the sky

VOICE DROPS: # In letters that would soar 1,000 feet high

# To g... Ha-ha-ha!

# With love

# Wa-ah-oh wa-ah-oh wa-ah-oh wa-ah-oh

# Wa-ah-oh wa-ah-oh wa-ah-oh wa-ah-oh

# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it

# Life's not worth a damn

# Till you can shout out Hey, world, I am what I am!

# He likes to move it, move it He likes to move it, move it

# He likes to move it, move it Jive hall! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There we are, move over.

Yes, well, the audience seemed to like it.

I'll have a word with you later about this Sparkle.

Samuel, what do you think?

If it's thumbs up, it's peas and faggots,

if it's thumbs down, ooh, it's jam and maggots.

All right, get that thumb out. You've got five seconds to decide.

Thumbs up, or thumbs down? What's it going to be?

Oh, thumbs up!

Give a big cheer then, go on. Give Samuel applause as well.

I don't know - a wannabe getting the thumbs up.

Well, what next? I'll tell you.

Jailers and jailbirds, we've got a sensational act.

Give a big hand to the Mugenkyo Taiko Drummers!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen!

Wow. A type of drumming all the way from Japan.

But at the end of the day,

will they drum up enough support?

Or will it be sayonara? Let's see.

Well, personally, I prefer beating the retreat,

with the Royal Marines, but what did you think?

Very, very loud.

-Is that it?

-It could have been better.

How, sir?

-More drumming.

-More drumming?

-And less shouting.

More drumming, less shouting. I hope you're taking note.

How much more drumming to the ratio of shouting, sir?

Lose the shouting, but do as much more drumming

-as you've just lost from the shouting.

-Crystal clear.

And what about this young man?

I thought they were really good.

They were great, they were really loud as well.

I think they do deserve to go through.

Well said.

-One final word - sum that act up, sir.

-Loud!

Well, onto our final performing prisoner act in the show.

They've been great so far, haven't they?

CHEERING

Originally, this act wasn't going to perform

because somebody said something nasty about his hat.

But after six hours, he's recovered.

So will you please give a dynamic round of applause

to unusual DJ Woody! Yeah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Three, uh, two, uh, one, uh...

HE SCRATCHES RECORD

RAP: Hey, listen, jailbirds The moment you've been waiting for

It's time to be dazzled As DJ Woody takes the floor

Oil that door!

DJ-J, DJ-J, DJ Woody

Sc-c-c-cratching

HE SCRATCHES RECORD

Say-say-say yeah!

Yea-ea-ea-ea-eah

One, two, three, let's go

-Amazing.

-Yes, yes, y-y-yes!

It was, it wa-a-a-as magic

I-I-I...

..I think it was the best so far.

RAP: They seemed to like it, Here's a word from Governor Ted

Can you scratch two records instead? Eeee! That's clever.

Oooh! Isn't he good?

Eee! Ooh!

Eeee! That's clever.

Woo, then Woody, your time's nearly up, all that's left is the finale -

giddy on up!

LAUGHTER

Boys and girls, let's hear it for turntables in Technicolor!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What did you think? I thought I was good!

Right then. Woody, or Wally, sir?

Er, Woody. That was the best I have seen.

It was amazing. I loved the bit where he put The Governor on.

-It was fab. Can I say something to Woody?

-Go on, sir.

DJ Woody in the house!

APPLAUSE

Well, he's in the prison. Yes, and we're keeping him here.

No, I think he should be free.

-Above everything else you've seen?

-There have been other good acts,

but I think this one's been extra special.

-What made it extra special?

-All the things on the screen.

He made all the things that have been said, even The Governor,

he put them on the screen and made it all special, and effects...

He said that was all good, and that he did the remix.

-He did the remix...

-OK.

-That's it!

-Is that it?

-Yep.

-That's it.

-I'll give it a ten out of ten.

-And I'll sum it up...

-LAUGHTER

-Are we done, sir?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

You, young man, did you enjoy DJ Woody?

Um, yes. First is the worst, second is the best,

third is the one with the hairy chest,

fourth is the one that's the very best. He's got my vote.

Wow!

Was that rapping?

-Um, no.

-I didn't understand it, but I liked it.

I'm moving away now, you're slightly scaring me.

Sir, sum that act up for me in one final word...

-Disc-tastic!

-Disc-tastic, sir.

Well, four sensational acts performing there.

One act is going to go free.

Let's welcome them back - it's the Silver Dragons,

Bankina, Mugenkyo Taiko Drummers

-and DJ Woody!

-CHEERING

-Let's here it for them! Yay!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! There we are.

Well, lots of performers.

All brilliant, all very different,

only one act can go free.

Who? Well, we decide with this fine creation,

the Clapometer.

The more noise you make, the more points you get on the Clapometer.

The highest score goes free. The rest stay for supper.

So, fingers crossed for one of these acts.

They were sensational, they got us off to a great start,

will they go free? Your cheers for the Silver Dragons!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

75.5. A good score for them.

Thank you, Silver Dragons.

All the way from South America - sensational -

what did you think of Bankina?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

A great score, there. Thank you, boys.

Muchas gracias! There we are!

91.3, wonderful.

Well, the next performers

were from Japan - will they go back to the land of the rising sun?

Or Glasgow?! Wherever they came from,

let's hear it for the Mugenkyo Taiko Drummers!

CHEERING

WHISTLING

Well, I'm afraid you're staying with us, Drummers,

but I thought you were sensational.

One more act could do it with the help of yours truly.

But don't let that influence you - very unusual, DJ Woody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You liked him...but not enough!

DJ Woody, you can stay and play more tunes.

The winners, going free, it is the sensational Bankina!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bankina!

They go free!

Well, the rest of you,

there's only one bit of good news -

it's time for tea. I won't even bother, Mr Burgess,

You always just serve them sloppy-ploppy porridge.

It's self-service in the kitchen now, sir.

-Really?

-Yeah. They can get their own sloppy porridge!

Oh, Mr Burgess! Take them back to the cells.

Give them a round of applause! There they go.

Sensational acts. Remember,

if you can't sing dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

See you next time for more Freedom Show fun!

Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Look, you don't understand.

Seeing as I broke in, I'm not really a prisoner!

I don't remember anything about anybody breaking in.

In!

You can't do this to me! I'm not a performer!

-I'm a gas service engineer!

-Welcome to the world of show business!

# There's no business like show business... #