Chicken Fever The Slammer

"Dear Mum, thank you for all the home cooked food that you sent.

"It was delicious.

FLIES BUZZING

"Bacon was a really interesting ingredient for a trifle.

"Anyway, this week on the Freedom Show we had danger...

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

"Despair...

GROANS

"And Dominic.

HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK

"He's the man who does the sound and lighting.

"But it wasn't all fun. Half The Slammer nearly got turned into chickens.

"Here's the full story."

# You've been found guilty of a howling, showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer #

'Thank you for calling The Freedom Show registration line.

'Call may cost more than you earn

'To register your act, please press 1.

'Thank you. Now please say the names of the acts

'appearing on The Freedom Show this week.'

Thank you. Act one, Pro-Jump 101.

Act two, Jukebox Juniors.

Act three, Trio Micheev Ring.

And act four, fabulous comedian, Steve Best.

'I'm sorry, I didn't get those. Please start again.'

Oh, I hate these pesky machines!

'I heard that.'

Hey! What's going on?

Attention. This building has been sealed off.

We are tracking an acute virus.

-Oh, sweet!

-Acute, Jeremy, not cute!

We believe The Slammer has been contaminated

by a highly contagious strain of Chicken Fever.

# Chicken fever! #

Well, we've no problems here.

HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Looks like a false alarm, Brian.

But you may as well keep these anyway.

-What are they?

-Antidotes.

Just in case anyone does get Chicken Fever.

# Chicken fever! #

Right then, I'll be off. Good luck.

Good luck... Hang on a minute!

How will we know if anyone gets Chicken... you know, the virus?

Aha-ha! Very good question.

Now, there are three symptoms.

Stage one. Chicken wings.

That is followed by stage two, chicken out.

-And finally, stage three.

-DOOM MUSIC

Chicken supreme.

Yes, at that stage all they can do is cluck.

A bit like that.

Aaargh!

Brian! Let's get out of here!

How many times have I said, keep the helmets on until we're safe.

You can't leave me here! Don't go!

Oh! But no..! Jeremy!

What will I tell his mother?

Here, here. You peck on this and I'll get help.

Oh, this is serious. CLUCKING

Pete, thank goodness you're here.

-It's a prison.

-Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.

Look, I need your cell to look after The Freedom Show Acts.

In you come. That's it, get in.

You see, there's a horrible case going round of Chicken Fever.

# Chicken fever, yeah!#

If one of the acts catch it, no Freedom Show.

That would be un-clucky!

SILENCE

Just look after the acts.

So, you turned into a chicken, did you lad?

How exactly?

I don't remember much.

I think I stopped talking and started flapping my arms.

Then I fell over.

Next thing I remember is being given an antidote.

Jeremy?

Who you talking to?

Mr Burge...!

CLUCKING

Aaaaargh!

Right...

One minute until Freedom Show time. Ready Steve, Pro-Jump 101? Excellent.

Anyone for asparagus trifle?

-No?

-FLIES BUZZ

Eau de cologne.

Ooh! What a filthy stink more like.

'For sloppy, ploppy porridge, please press 5.

Ah, shut up!

Reporting for duty, Sir, fully recovered.

-(CLUCKS)

-Almost.

I mights say I prefer you as a human, Frank.

All the presents you left in the corridor.

Yes, erm, sorry about that, Sir.

I'm glad to see you enjoying my egg.

Very nice.

Anyway, it's all forgotten about now and not a moment too soon.

The audience are in. It's time for The Freedom Show.

Thank goodness we got rid of that awful Chicken Fever.

# Chicken fever, yeah!#

Yes, absolutely, Sir. On with the show.

CLUCKING

Oh, spiffing.

Divine, Sir.

CLUCKS

'Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to HMP Slammer.

'You decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now please welcome your host,

# Guv-Guv-Guv-Guv-Governor Lay a little egg for me #

'How nice. Sorry.

'It's the Governor!'

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Next step. Next step.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Alright, Sir.

Who is the Governor?

You're the Governor.

He the Governor, obviously.

But as you can see, he's more like a chicken.

Shall I do the run down of the acts, Sir?

-CLUCKS

-What was that, Sir?

CLUCKS

Right. So the Governor says, jailers and jailbirds

welcome to this here Slammer.

As you can see I'm looking a bit beaky but while we find a cure

let's crack on with today's show.

Have an egg, Miss.

What a super show we've got for you.

My name's Mr Burgess. We have the Jukebox Juniors.

APPLAUSE

Then we have Trio Micheev Ring

APPLAUSE

Rounding off with a very funny man, Mr Steve Best.

APPLAUSE

To start us off, we have a fantastic act.

Here's Pro-Jump 101. Give them a big hand.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

There we go. What have you got to say?

CLUCKING NOISE

He says an act there with lots of bounce,

but will they be jumping their way to freedom?

It's time to see what you think, Mr Burgess.

It's me!

Pro-Jump 101 there. Professional enough for you, Sir?

-I thought it was so immense.

-How immense?

It was really, really, good.

Miss, what about you?

They were really in sync with each other.

Do you think they've done enough to go free?

Um, depends what the other acts are like.

Ah! Keeping your powder dry. Very wise, very wise.

For one final word, sum that act for me, Miss?

-Brilliant!

-Brilliant!

CLUCKING NOISE

Excuse me.

Alright Sir, seeing you shake your tail feather, back you come.

-Sir, I've found the antidote.

-Well done, lad. Where was it?

In the bottom of the bin covered in trifle and sick.

Right, off you go. Jump to it.

We've found the medicine, while we go and make the governor better,

why don't you watch the next terrific act we've got

which is the Jukebox Juniors.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

This is madness!

There we go! We've corrected you. Are you feeling better, Sir?

A little under the feather... I mean, weather!

-Enjoying the show, Sir?

-I think so, Frank! Very good.

-Thank you, Sir.

-Carry on, number one.

Thank you, Sir.

A round of applause for Mr Burgess.

APPLAUSE

They're the Juniors but are they the Seniors in your scores?

Jukebox Juniors there. Miss, what did you think?

Wow! It blew me away! Some of the things they did were un thinkable.

Amazing! Full of adrenaline, power. Wow!

-Did you like Jukebox Juniors?

-Yes. It was sick!

It was sick?!

It was sick? Where? On the floor?

What about you, Miss?

I'm really jealous because I really want to dance like that.

I loved the outfits and I like them.

I think it was amazing, especially because of the break dancing.

I did some break dancing, but I broke the floor!

LAUGHTER

-Sum that act up for me, Miss?

-Fandabidozo!

Fandabidozo, Sir!

And I've always wanted to go ice skating with the Dalai Lama

but it's just difficult!

Oh no! Steve Best as well! I've run out of antidote!

CLUCKING NOISE

It's time for the section that we call Solitary Confinement.

MUSIC

Jailers and Jailbirds, it's a scary bit.

We take one of the acts and keep them in solitary confinement.

They are not allowed to mix with the rest of Slammer gang.

If they do well, they go into a nice comfy cell with a treat.

Today, the treat is a nice bit of rump steak.

But if they get the thumbs down, they go back to their cell,

for cruel and unusual punishments.

-Mr Burgess?

-Yeah?

What is today's cruel and unusual punishments?

Today, Sir, is being stretched on a rack until they trump, Sir.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

-But we need a judge.

-We certainly do.

-Have you got your eye on anybody?

-I think this young lady here.

Give her a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

See the governor.

-Hello, What's your name?

-Becky!

Nice to see you. Now it's time for Solitary Confinement.

MUSIC

Hello ladies and gentlemen. I am Speed Face Painter.

Not only can I paint faces super fast but also do it brilliantly.

All I need is three fabulous faces to come here and paint them.

Marvellous! You, little boy! Marvellous!

Yes, you little girl. Marvellous.

I think you have a fabulous face.

Come, come! Come to me!

Come here! Stand in a straight line facing me.

Now, do you have a favourite animal, Sir?

-A lion.

-A lion?

Perfect. I can do a lion. I can do a marvellous lion.

Absolutely amazing! What is your favourite animal?

-A rabbit.

-Absolutely, good.

And you, Sir? A tiger?

Roar! Marvellous.

And I give to you, please, turn so your friends can see my art!

LAUGHTER

Thank you so much!

Do go and sit down.

APPLAUSE

Oh dear! it's up to you to decide whether it's back to the cell

for a nice bit of rump.

Or stretch until they trump. Hold the thump up.

It's up to you. What's it going to be?

After five seconds.

Go!

Oh!

Unlucky! Off she goes!

There we go!

Hang on a minute.

DOOR CREEKS

Uuuuiiiiiiaaaawww! Squelch!

ALL: Urrgh!

Right, the next act come from Russia.

The amazing Trio Micheev Ring!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC

CROWD CHEERS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

C'mon, let's hear it for them, ladies and gentlemen, c'mon!

Trio Micheev Ring.

When they go free, I'll give Mr Burgess a ring.

Graceful, elegant, powerful. Enough about me, what about the act, Sir?

That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

-The weirdest thing you've seen? Have you seen weird things?

-No. Not as weird as that.

I've never seen that before. What did you think of them?

I thought they were just amazing.

-Did it take your breath away, Sir?

-Erm, yes.

So you were sat there with no breath for at least five minutes?

Probably, yes.

-Are they going to go free?

-Mm, dunno.

-A bit like that?

-Yeah. Maybe.

Sum that act up in one final word for me, Sir.

Fantastic-caravan-botious.

You don't make it easy for me, do you? Fantastic-caravan-botious!

Mr Gimbert, just the man we need.

Mr Gimbert has been given the antidote, so you can get the antidote if you two...

No, I will not snog a chicken!

CHICKEN CLUCKS

It's either that or you can't appear in the Freedom Show. What's it gonna be?

KISSING SOUND

-It worked!

-Tastes like chicken.

-The next performing prisoner... I'm not sure if I've got one.

-Guv! I'm ready!

Good man. Great stuff! Here he comes.

Jailers and jailbirds, it's time for your next performing prisoner.

It's Steve Best!

APPLAUSE

Ouch!

LAUGHTER

I've been to the dentist. You get a choice of fillings. I had cheese'n'pickle!

LAUGHTER

This is a bit of balloon eating. By the way, don't try this at home.

CROWD GROANS

APPLAUSE

Burp!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. I'd like to do a bit of classical music now.

This is a little bit of Haydn.

Haydn is a bit like Mozart, but much funnier.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Steve Best!

Did you like Steve Best? Mr Burgess, he likes comedy. What did you think?

Right, the funny man. Miss?

I think it was good and weird, but in a good way.

Best in show, Madam?

His name definitely suited his act.

I thought he was really creative and it was clever.

And I liked his glasses.

-Sir?

-It was the best act I've ever seen in my life.

-Better than anything else on the bill, Sir?

-Probably.

-You think he was the best?

-Yes.

-Right, OK.

-What did you think of Steve Best the comedian?

-He's the god of comedians.

The god of comedians, my word!

-And for one final word to sum Mr Best up. Miss?

-Outstanding.

Outstanding! For a bus, probably.

Wow, what a terrific show. Give them all a big round of applause!

APPLAUSE

Brilliant!

Unfortunately we can only allow, due to Government regulations,

one act to be released into the society from whence they came.

Who will it be? Let's reintroduce them back onto the stage.

Pro-Jump 101, Jukebox Juniors, Trio Micheev Ring and Steve Best!

C'mon, let's be having you!

There they are. Oh, yes!

One act can go free and they will be decided by this.

Yes, Gimbert is proudly showing it off. His clap-o-meter.

He loves his clap-o-meter, the fool.

Right, whoever gets the highest score on the clap-o-meter

from you, jailers and jailbirds, will go free.

First up, they were tremendous, Pro-Jump 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, good score. 87.2. That's a good score. Well done.

The second act were tremendous. There were lots of them.

Will they be going free? The Jukebox Juniors!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, 87.9. They go into the lead. Yeah!

Next, they were fabulous, how did they do it?

The strength, the skill, the agility of Trio Micheev Ring!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, not quite. 85.1. They'll be staying for tea.

In the lead is Jukebox Juniors. One act could still pip them.

Will it be this man? Was he the best? Steve Best!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

83.4. You're still with us, Steve.

The winners and going free tonight from The Slammer, Jukebox Juniors!

Take them away. Off you go, gang. A bunch of flowers for them.

The rest of them, the bad news is you didn't win,

but, the good news is, you're in time for tea in The Slammer.

-What's for tea Mr Burgess?

-Tonight it's the SPP special, Sir.

-What does SPP stand for?

-Sloppy Ploppy Porridge, Sir.

-What's special about that?

-Nothing.

Take them away. Off you go. Give them a big round of applause.

Well done.

Next time another performing prisoner act will say,

"I want to go free, will it be me?"

You'll decide, jailers and jailbirds.

Remember, one thing's for sure, if you can't sing dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

Goodbye, everybody! Bye-bye!

-Go on, Sir.

-Lovely. My favourite.

Hang on. Does that look like one of the Jukebox Juniors to you?

S4C subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd