Strike The Slammer

"Dear Mum, you won't believe what's been going on this week.

"There was Globot... Alex Crow..."

-See if the prediction's correct.

-"..Roller Chicks..."

THEY WHOOP

What about String Fever? Wonderful performance.

Who's writing this letter, you or me?

I need some chicken, I'm hungry.

"That's not all. We had a new inmate this week, they call the Hamster.

"And for a good reason."

Oh, this is tedious. Why don't you send her an e-mail?

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Not long till today's Freedom Show, so get those rehearsal shoes

tip-tap-tapping!

And in other news, officers, we have a brand new inmate arriving today.

An escapologist who's about to serve 15 years of incarceration.

Oh, ho-ho, incarceration, sir.

One of my favourite words, sir,

along with jailed, custody, banged and up.

His name's Lenny Conner, AKA, The Hamster.

-Morning.

-Don't you knock, Gimbert?

Sorry, Guv, it's just the van transporting the chipmunk...

-The Hamster.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, it's arrived...empty!

He's escaped, even before he's arrived.

-Shocking, sir.

-Ahem.

Aaagh! Lenny Conner.

Oh, please, call me...

..The Hamster.

Never mind that. Your trouble-causing days are over.

No, no, I'm a changed man.

I'm tired of constantly escaping.

All I want nowadays is a quiet life.

A nice cosy cell, regular meals.

The Hamster will be a model prisoner, I promise.

Hold still, Ted Astaire, you need to look your best

if we're going to appear on the Freedom Show.

Oh, fat chance of that round here.

What do you mean by that?

We keep asking to go on the Freedom Show

-but the Governor never gives us a chance.

-That, Pete, is an outrage.

Yes, an outrage, outrage!

Not to mention, illegal.

What do you mean, illegal?

I told you not to mention illegal.

Listen, I've been in loads of showbusiness prisons down the years.

Rule 535, clause three.

"All prisoners must be given regular opportunities

"to appear in the Freedom Show."

Well, we never heard about all that.

Of course you haven't, because the Guv loves to keep you in the dark.

No, we must take a stand.

How about...a strike?

Oh, yes, strike.

-Yes, strike.

-Strike!

-Strike, strike, strike.

-Strike!

-Oh, yes, strike.

-Strike, strike!

Strike, strike!

Ahh... I don't believe it.

-Complete scandal.

-Wh-wh-what's a scandal?

The amount of rehearsal room the acts for the Freedom Show have got.

You can barely swing a cat.

-Miaow!

-Oh!

All right, you can swing a cat.

These fine entertainers, they can hardly rehearse, it's not fair.

It's a breach of rule 342, clause four.

It's bang out of order.

Yes, join our showbiz comrades-in-arms' strike.

Yes, strike... Agh!

That is a plain biscuit.

All wardens are entitled to chocolate macaroons.

-Rule 223, clause nine.

-Strike.

Everybody out!

ALL: Strike, strike, strike...

Strike, strike, strike...

Eyes down for the...

It's not working.

It's not working. What are we going to do?

Permission to scream at them in a loud voice, sir?

-That usually does the trick.

-Go ahead.

-Shut up!

Strike, strike...

-ALL: Strike, strike, strike...

-Wait...

Keep quiet.

Let's hear what the Governor's got to say.

Yeah, a bit of shush, please.

Yes, jailers and jail birds,

I like to think of this place, The Slammer, as my home.

And in a funny sort of way, you are all my family.

And like any family, sometimes we fall out.

But today, something far bigger than all of us is under threat.

And that is the Freedom Show.

Inside, we have an audience waiting.

An audience of children.

Sweet, innocent little children, some of whom may be orphans,

who only want to be thrilled, amused and entertained.

Plus, they've had a few colas and if we don't start the show soon,

they could kick off.

So I appeal to you, from the bottom of my showbiz heart,

call off this strike now, for my sake, for The Slammer's sake

and for the sake of the Freedom Show!

THEY CHEER

-Are you with me?

-Yes!

-How do I look?

-Divine!

Thank you very much. It's show time!

Right, who threw that?

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host, he's negotiated a settlement

and nothing rhymes with settlement.

It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

ALL: You are the Governor!

We're excited in The Slammer, we've got sensational performers.

We've got a mind reader called Alex Crow. Ooh!

ALL: Ooh!

-We've got some great skaters called Roller Chicks.

-Ooh!

And we've got an unusual act - classical music from String Fever.

Ooh!

Remember, all you little performing criminal critics

will decide who goes free from The Slammer

at the end of the Freedom Show.

Will it be this, the very first act up? Very unusual,

the mighty, the amazing Globot!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Invaders Must Die" by The Prodigy

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give them a big cheer. Globot, jailers and jail birds.

Give them a big cheer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What did you think of Globot? Ooh, Mr Burgess!

Right, Globot or no bot? Sir?

-I thought it was amazing.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Why?

Because it was funny, futuristic and well performed.

-That's very good, sir.

-What did you think?

It was really good. It was an amazing performance

by the Globot and the dancers, which together made it really good.

And all the sparks that were flying everywhere,

-and the two men that got pushed over!

-You liked that?

-It was good.

-The crazy professor.

-He added to it.

You've got a lot to say.

What are you going to be when you leave school, a TV critic?

-I'm going to try and be a street dancer.

-A dancer?

-We haven't got a street but we've got a floor. Can you do it here?

-OK.

-What's your name?

-Kade.

Go on then, Kade. Here we go. Bit of street dancing from Kade.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yeah, look at him go. Wow!

I think we'll have to get him in The Slammer.

Right, if you could sum that act up for me in one final word, sir.

-Rubbish!

-What?

It's all a load of rubbish.

I'll have you, son.

AUDIENCE: Boo!

# It's all a load of rubbish

# All a load of rubbish

Get him!

# It's all a load of rubbish

# It's all a load of rubbish... #

WARDEN BLOWS WHISTLE

Rubbish!

All a load of rubbish.

Boo!

I'm very sorry about that, jailers and jail birds. I really am.

On with our Freedom Show. What a performing prisoner we've got now.

Will you please welcome Alex Crow!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hi, guys, you all right?

-Yes!

Mind reading, kind of like Derren Brown. Do you know him?

-Yes!

-It's like that but without the charm.

So it's mind reading, a bit of weird stuff. I need someone to help me.

Let's have the young lady, just there.

Yes, come up. Give her a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

Hi, what's your name?

-Gabriella.

-Gabriella, fantastic.

What we're going to do first, going to do what's called a prediction.

I'm going to write something on this piece of paper,

I don't want anyone to see.

OK.

Gabriella, I want you to put it in that box so I can't touch it.

Have a look, make sure there's no other cards in there.

There's not loads of cards in there, no? Nothing else in there?

Can you close it up and lock it so I can't get to it? Excellent.

OK, I've got some cards with animals on them. You'll choose an animal

for me, Gabriella. Let me show these to everyone.

We've got cow, lion, llama, hamster,

camel, loads of different animals. You're going to choose one.

We'll mix them up. Take those cards for me.

OK, take half in one hand and half in the other hand.

OK, give one half to me, that you don't want.

Which do you want to get rid of?

Excellent, give us a few more.

Just point to the back of the one you want.

This one on the bottom?

Hold your hand out for me.

Just put that on there. Have a look, what's the one you've chosen?

Show it to everyone. What's it say?

Rat.

That's exactly what I wrote on that card and put in there.

So open up the box and see if the prediction's correct.

Will you do that for me? Open up and have a look...

-What's the matter?

-A rat!

Let's have a look.

100% correct. There we are.

Thank you very much, Gabriella. Give her a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alex Crow and his rat. Give him a round of applause, please.

-APPLAUSE

-My word...

I don't know, we've had a hamster, we've Mr Crow there

and he's got a rat. It's getting like a zoo in here!

Sir, how did he do that?

-Erm...

-Yes, that's right, you.

I thought it was excellent, extraordinary,

-but it could have had some more tricks in it.

-How many tricks?

Two or three.

Let's talk to Gabriella because she's here. You went on stage.

What did you think when you saw Frankie the rat in there?

I was just frightened cos I didn't know what it was.

I just looked at the red eyes.

-And did you think it was a wonderful act?

-Yeah.

And for one final word on that act, miss.

Odd.

Odd, sir!

Mr Burgess, I see you've managed to catch the Hamster!

CHEERING

Seeing as my officers can't do the job properly, sir,

I've put him under the charge of these two audience members.

Like this pathetic lot can stop me, the Hamster, from escaping!

-Shut up!

-Don't take your eyes off him, ladies.

You just sit there and watch the show.

You'll like this next bit,

it's the act that we call Solitary Confinement.

Yes, Solitary Confinement, the place in the Slammer

where we keep those acts whose crimes were so terrible,

we can't keep them with the other prisoners.

We give them one chance to perform.

They don't go free, but if they get the thumbs up from one of you,

they get a nice treat.

Today's treat is they go in a cell with a telly.

If they don't do well, it's back to the cell

for a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Mr Burgess...

-Sir!

..what is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir...

it's making jelly with him.

All right, back in you go.

Mr Burgess, who's going to be today's judge?

-This young man here.

-Give him a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.

Have a nice trip?

-What's your name?

-Louis.

Louis, have you got a thumb?

-Yep.

-You're going to be a good judge.

It's time for today's Solitary Confinement act.

We call them the Porridge Jugglers.

Come on, over here.

BOOING

Give them a round of applause.

Take them away.

Dear, oh, dear.

Porridge all over the Slammer, what a mess they've made.

Well, Louis, you've got to decide.

Hold that thumb out.

Remember, thumb's up and it's a nice cell with a telly,

thumb's down and it's him with the jelly.

What's it to be, thumb's up or thumb's down?

Oh! It's thumb's down!

Take them away, take all that mess away.

Back in the cell, there they go.

And give Louis a round of applause as well. Off you go, young man.

Marvellous.

Urgh, oh, ooh...

SQUELCHING JELLY

'Not the spoon!'

MORE SQUELCHING

Ooh, that is a cruel and unusual punishment.

On to our next performing prisoner act.

Serving six months for skating away from the scene of a crime,

the Roller Chicks!

# Baby, look at me

# And tell me what you see

# You ain't seen the best of me yet

# Give me time I'll make you forget the rest

# I got more in me

# And you can set it free

# I can catch the moon in my hand

# Don't you know who I am?

# Remember my name Fame!

# I'm gonna live forever

# I'm gonna learn how to fly High!

# I feel it coming together

# People will see me and cry Fame!

# I'm gonna make it to Heaven

# Light up the sky like a flame Fame!

# I'm gonna live forever

# Baby, remember my name

# Remember, remember, remember

# Remember, remember, remember

# Remember

# Remember my name Fame! #

Fabulous. The Roller Chicks.

But are they on the roll to freedom? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Right, Roller Chicks, there.

-Sir?

-It was very cheeky and was awesome.

Why was it cheeky, sir?

-Chicky.

-Chicky! I thought you said cheeky!

-No.

-Do you like chicken?

-Yes.

-Right. Curried or spiced.

-Both.

Did you like the Roller Chicks?

They were different, colourful and fantastic.

-Do you think you could do that if you trained?

-No.

-Have they done enough to go free?

-Maybe.

One final word, miss?

-Erm...

-COME ON!

-Effortless.

-Effortless, sir. Thank you, miss.

Well, my little performing prisoner appreciators,

just one more act to see.

Hang on a second, where's the Hamster?!

Mr Burgess?!

I don't believe it, you've let him escape again.

-Burgess! I'm up here!

-Right.

I'll have you for this.

You get that bum off!

Now, the next performance...

SHOUTING

Mr Burgess, stop him!

We've got to get on, we've no time to chase hamsters.

We've got a marvellous performing prisoner act to see.

They're classical musicians, would you please welcome String Fever!

MUSIC: "Bolero" by Ravel

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wonderful! String Fever, there.

But was it classical, or just a bunch of old Bolero?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess,

Right. String Fever - four presentable young lads.

Was it Bolero or baloney, miss?

I thought it was amazing how they did it on one instrument,

it sounded like a whole orchestra.

-Do you like classical music?

-Sometimes.

Tell me what you thought of the whole act.

I thought it was extraordinary.

I liked the way the electric cello

was a different style to normal cellos.

-Sir?

-It was talented and wicked.

Talented and wicked, sir?

-Yeah, but...

-I'm...I'm going, sir!

LAUGHTER Sorry, sir!

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

What did this young gentleman think of this classical piece?

I just think it really was string fever.

Do you think they've done enough to go free?

Maybe, just about.

One final word, sir?

-Suits.

-Suits, sir.

Oh, jailors and jailbirds, four fantastic performing prisoners,

and a hamster running through all of them.

Only one act can go free from the Slammer.

Who is it going to be? Welcome them back, please. Globot!

Alex Crow!

Roller Chicks!

And String Fever!

Give a big hand, there!

That Globot is scary!

My word.

Only one act can go free, who is it going to be?

It will be the act that scores highest on the clap-o-meter.

You clap, we turn it into points.

Who's it going to be? The first act was spectacular.

One of the biggest acts I've ever seen.

Will you please show your appreciation for Globot!

SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

A great score, 90.8.

Well done, Globot.

Good score to set off with.

Next act up, it was two for the price of one.

He read minds, he had a cute furry friend,

it wasn't the Hamster, it was Frankie the rat,

with Alex Crow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Up in the 80s, good score, 83.9.

We're moving on to the next act.

They sang and they skated.

Will they be skating free?

Jailors and jailbirds, you're appreciation for the Roller Chicks!

SCREAMING

Oh, well, I don't know... 82.8. I thought you were marvellous, ladies.

Only one act can pip Globot, in the lead with 90.8.

Will it be this next group?

They were classical, will they win your vote? String Fever!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

78.8.

String Fever.

That means going free, with a score of 90.8,

it is Globot!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we are, off they go.

Just as well, the electricity cost us a fortune.

The good news for the rest of you is you're in time for tea.

I'll ask Mr Burgess, although I think I know the answer,

what's for tea?

It's a bargain bucket tonight, sir.

What's in the bucket?

Sloppy, floppy porridge, sir.

I might have know it!

Take them off to the cells. Give them a round of applause.

String Fever, the Roller Chicks and Alex Crow.

Some marvellous performing prisoners here in the Slammer.

Take care, and remember - who's the governor?

AUDIENCE: You're the governor!

Bye, ladies and gentlemen! Bye!

Right. I never thought I'd say this to a prisoner, but you're free to go.

No, don't please. Don't send me away.

-Out that door. Get out of it.

-Help!

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-Have you seen The Hamster?

Unfortunately the little pipsqueak has escaped again.

-Honestly, the security in this prison's a joke.

-Lax, sir.

-Knock, knock...

-Who's there?

Oh! Oh! Mr Burgess! Get him off me!

SHOUTING