Quizzee Rascal The Slammer

'Dear Mum. Thank you for the letter. It'll look great with the others.

'This week's Freedom Show was a roller coaster. There were the ups...

'..and the downs.

'And that bit where I was nearly sick with the giant fishy man.

'Let me explain...'

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Thanks, Frank.

I really need to focus. This is a tough decision.

Which three acts have you already chosen, sir?

There's act one - Andrey Averyushkin.

Act two - Scat Bloke.

And act three - Justin Monehen.

But I just can't decide on a final act.

There's nothing to choose between these six.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Yes?

A new inmate, Uncle.

'Yes, it's your host with the most -

it's Max Dazzler!'

SHOWBIZZY MUSIC, APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

Who's laughing boy?

Quiz king. Ten years for tie-breaking and entering.

Oh, you're a lovely audience. Yes, it's me - Max Dazzler!

Waving hello...

Say hello!

That's right!

All right, cut. Stop. Time out.

Look. I am busy not making up my mind here.

I've six acts, one place left in the Freedom Show,

and an ulcer the size of Birkenhead.

But Governor - picking a winner is my speciality.

Why don't I run you a quiz?

-I'm listening.

-I'm not.

-Might work.

These six lucky finalists will fight it out

in a brand-new quiz, devised by me,

to win that exclusive, all expenses-paid final spot

on the Freedom Show.

-We haven't got much time.

-It'll be quick fire.

-It'll be fun for all the family...

-Oh, I don't know!

Please, Guv. I love doing quizzes.

All right. But make it snappy.

Fantastic!

SHOWBIZZY MUSIC

We'll be right back!

When's this all going to start?

-DRUM ROLL

-Oh - at last.

Six contestants, 22 boxes of fake tan,

but just one question...

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

Waving hello...

ALL: Say hello!

Welcome to The Big Lucky Millionaire Ball Deal.

What are our contestants playing for tonight?

Here's the lovely Kimberley!

WOLF-WHISTLE

'Our winner tonight gets the prize of a lifetime -

'three minutes on the Freedom Show.'

ALL: Woooo!

-What IS Gimbert wearing?

-A simple one-piece with a sweetheart neckline.

Round One is a memory test. Fingers on noses!

Now, memorise as many of these as you can.

'A cardigan.

'Two cans.

'Toucans!

'Mrs Trentham.

'Lard.

'A fake spider.

'Tinchy Stryder. Some turf. A Pop-Tart. Giblets. Eggs. Legs.

'Ice cream sundae. Pies, ties, tandoori surprise.'

-BUZZER

-You buzzed in first -

-what was item nine?

-I don't know. There were so many.

I'm sorry. I'm going to have to poke you!

Ow... Get off... Lard! Lard!

Oh... Bad luck. It was a cardboard otter.

What are the scores?

'Well, at this early stage

'it's 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0.'

There's still plenty of time!

-Does this seem a bit hard to you?

-Bonkers, sir.

Round Two. We asked 100 people...name something.

Anybody?

BUZZER Ze M1?

-Our survey said...

-RASPBERRY

Oh, bad luck. Bring on the fish!

APPLAUSE

ALL GROAN

What? You said it would be a fast quiz.

Only 13 rounds to go.

The Freedom Show's about to start. Quiz over.

-Is that your final answer?

-Yes. Pete,

find a way to pick the final act, and fast. Mr Burgess!

-Can we have a soundproof booth?

-BUZZER

Right, gents. How do I look?

-D...

-D.

D, sir. Divine, sir.

Is the right answer!

It's showtime!

Oh, yes!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer -

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

'Now, please welcome your host...

'He's 52, from Liverpool, and married to lovely wife Mrs Governor.

His hobbies include relaxing, having a minute, and sitting down.

DRUM ROLL 'It's...The Governor!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's The Governor?

ALL: You're The Governor!

Hello, jailers and jailbirds. We've got wonderful performers.

A guy who plays a very unusual instrument - Scat Bloke!

ALL: Woooo!

Not that bloke - Scat Bloke. And a very funny guy

who mixes magic with comedy - Justin Monehen!

ALL: Woooo!

And, we've got erm... a surprise act, yes.

But first we've got a wonderful performing prisoner,

a drummer and a juggler.

All the way from Russia, please show your appreciation for

Andrey Averyushkin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BALL PLAYS A NOTE

BALL PLAYS A DIFFERENT NOTE

LIVELY MUSIC, BALLS PLAY DIFFERENT NOTES

CHEERING

BALLS PLAY DRUMBEATS

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

WILD CHEERING

Give him a big round of applause and a cheer, Andrey Averyushkin!

Did he hit the right beat with you? Let's find out, Mr Burgess.

Right, then, young sir. Any cop?

It blew you away.

-Why, sir?

-Cos it was mind-boggling.

What was mind-boggling about it, sir?

No-one I know or anyone knows could do that.

What about this young man here?

It was remarkable. I think he should work in the circus.

And for one final word... sum that act up for me, sir.

Impossible.

Impossible, sir!

Max, Governor says the quiz is over.

Quizzing no-no, tangerine head!

And I've got to choose one more act.

-Can we at least have a spot prize?

-No.

-Can they play along at home?

-ALL: No!

Well, here's another prisoner hoping to be released today.

Remember - it'll be you lot who decide at the end of the show.

Well, he's a very unusual act, this. He plays the trombone,

but he's very funny and very clever. Will he be going free?

Let's find out - as you show some applause for Scat Bloke!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's get warmed up here. We'll get you to clap.

Don't clap like your mum and dad. There you go, good, getting funky...

Right, now, what I'm going to do is sing a very easy little phrase,

and you guys sing it back for me, OK?

So I'm going to go # Be-deep dap-doo-bap

ALL: # Be-deep dap-doo-bap

-# Doop-dap doo-be

-# Doop-dap doo-be

-# Doop-dap doo-bap

-# Doop-dap doo-bap

-# A doop-dap zoo-bap

-# A doop-dap zoo-bap

-# Doop zoo-be doo-bap

-# Doop zoo-be doo-bap

# Dooby-doop doo-bap... Try some more.

-# Dabby doo-bee doo-doo

-# Dabby doo-bee doo-doo

-# Labba doo-bee doo-doo

-# Labba doo-bee doo-doo

-# Dibby doo-bee doo-doo

-# Dibby doo-bee doo-doo

-# Labbee doo-bee day-dah

-# Labbee doo-bee day-dah

-# Bip bap boo-dap

-# Bip bap boo-dap

-# Deep bap boo-bap

-# Deep bap boo-bap

-# Deep bap boo-dap

-# Deep bap boo-dap

-# Deep-deep dee-be

-# Deep-deep dee-be

FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC

-# Bip-bap boo-dah

-# Bip-bap boo-dah

-# Boodla boo-bah zee-bah doo-bah

-# Boodla boo-bah zee-bah doo-bah

-# Bibbly-babbly boo-bap

-# Bibbly-babbly boo-bap

(GROWLS)

(ALL GROWL)

# Dee-bah doo-bee oo-bah oo-boo-boo

# Dee-bee doo-bee doo-bee oo-bee beep boo-wop #

Thank you very much.

CHEERING

Oh, yeah!

Scat Bloke. What an unusual act!

But will he be going scat-free? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

I don't go in for all that scooby-doo malarkey,

-but did it float your boat, miss?

-Er, yeah.

-Did you like it?

-Yeah, it was kind of fantastic.

-Did you enjoy the community singing?

-Yeah.

-You got into that, did you?

-Yeah.

-Did you like that bloke Scat Bloke?

-Yes.

I loved the sound effects. # Beep-bap boo-dah!

# A-beep bop a-lula

-# Dee dee dee-dee!

-# A dee-dee dee-dee!

-# Go-go la-la!

-# Go-go la-la!

-# Chee-tee doo-doo!

-# Joo-joo doo-doo

-# Fo-la da-dah!

-# Fo-la deh-dah!

-# Goo-ga goo-ga

-# Goo-ga goo-lah! # Yeah!

APPLAUSE

And for one final word...

sum that act up, miss.

-Terrific.

-Terrific, sir.

ALL YELL

Right, my performing prisoner appreciators,

it's time for the part that we call...Solitary Confinement!

-ALL: Oooh!

-Oh, yes. You might well go "Oooh!"

because the acts that we keep in solitary confinement,

their crime was so terrible,

we have to keep them away from all the other prisoners.

But we're very fair, and we give them a chance to perform.

Yes, their one chance to have something nice.

Tonight, it's going to be a lovely leg of lamb.

But if they don't do well, it's back to the cell

for a cruel and unusual punishment.

Mr Burgess, what is today's?

It's having their pants full of wasps and having jam flicked at them.

-Ooh!

-ALL: Eurgh!

Just imagine that.

We need a judge. Mr Burgess, you're a good judge of character.

-Who's going to be the judge today?

-Right, then. You, young man.

-Give him a round of applause!

-Come on. Up you get...

There we are.

-What's your name?

-Charlie.

-Have you got a thumb?

-Yes.

-Let's see your thumb.

You need to put it up or put it down

after you've seen this act, from solitary confinement!

MAMBO MUSIC

# Huh!

# Huh!

# Huh!

# Huh!

# Huh!

# Huh!

# Huh!

# Ah...

HIGH-PITCHED SINGING

HIGH-PITCHED SINGING

HIGH-PITCHED SINGING

HIGH-PITCHED SINGING

There we are...

Give them a round of applause there, there we are...

Well, Charlie. It's up to you to decide.

Remember - thumbs up, it's a nice leg of lamb.

Thumbs down, wasps and jam. Hold that thumb out.

Ready? Five seconds to decide. Their fate is in your thumb.

Oh, it's thumbs down!

Take 'em back to the cell. Go on.

Give them a round of applause anyway. Charlie as well.

APPLAUSE

MR BURGESS: Get the wasps and jam out...

Wasps and jam, in their pants.

Well, we're going to... Oh, hang on a minute.

BUZZING AND SCREAMING

LAUGHTER

That's going to sting...

Now, jailers and jailbirds, our next performing prisoner.

Will he go free?

They're all good this week, but you decide who it's going to be.

Will it be this very unusual performer?

His act is indescribable - so I'm not even going to describe it.

It is Justin Monehen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# A little less conversation, a little more action please

# All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me

# Baby, close your eyes and listen to the music

# Dig to the summer breeze

# It's a groovy night and I can show you how to use it

# Come along with me and put your mind at ease

# A little less conversation, a little more action please

# All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me

# A little more bite and a little less bark

# A little less fight and a little more spark

# Close your mouth and open up your heart, and baby satisfy me

-# Satisfy me

-# Satisfy me, baby

# Satisfy me

ALL: Eurgh!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

# Come on baby, I'm tired of talking

# Grab your coat and let's start walking

-# Come on, come on

-# Come on, come on

-# Come on, come on

-# Come on, come on

-# Come on, come on

-# Come on, come on

# Don't procrastinate, don't articulate

# Girl it's getting late, you just sit and wait around

# A little less conversation, a little more action please

# All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me

# A little more bite and a little less bark

# A little less fight and a little more spark

# Close your mouth and open up your heart, and baby satisfy me #

CHEERING

Justin Monehen. What did you think of that?

Mr Burgess...

Justin Monehen. Did his performing hand tickle YOUR funny bone?

I think his illusions were amazing.

Why were they amazing?

I could never do that and I don't think anyone could.

What shall I do with him? What shall I tell his mother?

You should let him go, because he's really talented

and the illusions were great.

Let me put this to you. You think he should be in here?

No. He shouldn't.

-Why?

-He was very exciting and I liked it when he turned his head.

-Shall I let him go?

-Let him go.

It's up to you to clap and cheer. Show me how much you'll clap.

That's like a sea lion clapping for a fish, that!

One final word. Sum that act up for me, miss.

-Wonderific.

-Wonderific, sir!

Question nine. Who should be on the Freedom Show?

Max, it's not a quiz!

We just need to get somebody to go on the Freedom Show.

ALL: Me... Me...

Well - the next act is... well, it's a surprise act

cos I'm not quite sure who it is.

ALL: Me... Me...

ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING

No - if you like juggling, if you like circus acts...

Oh!

..then you're going to love this act because it's none of them,

it is the Zaporozhian Cossacks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

TRADITIONAL RUSSIAN MUSIC

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

Zaporozhian Cossacks! Wonderful.

But at the end will they be RUSSIAN out of here,

or will they get ZAPPED? Over to you, Mr Burgess.

-Well, what a smart, presentable, cracking act that was.

-Yes.

What did you like?

The back flip, it looked hard

and it looked like they've had a lot of practice.

I think they have. We've had them banged up for years.

What did you think of the Cossacks?

They were really energetic and put in a lot of hard work.

Ten out of ten.

-So they're going free?

-Yes.

Miss, what did you think?

I thought it was amazing, and I could never do what they just done.

Also it was very jumpy.

Very jumpy. Was there a particularly jumpy bit that you liked?

When they done all the flips,

and when they were on the floor jumping side to side.

Did you like them?

Yeah. Cos I've never seen that kind of dance,

and I really liked it when they did weird things like the back flip.

-Can you do a back flip?

-No.

-Have you ever had an egg flip?.

-No.

-They're nice.

LAUGHTER

Now, then. Miss, could you sum that act up for me, in one final word?

-Talented!

-They are - talented, sir.

Well, there are our four performing prisoner acts.

Give them a big hand!

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Only one act can go free. So let's welcome them back

for the part of the show we call the Clapometer.

It's Andrey Averyushkin! Scat Bloke! Justin Monehen!

And, of course, the fantastic Cossacks!

Yes! The Zaporozhian Cossacks. Well, what a lot of talent.

Only one act is going to go free from The Slammer.

But we decide with this - Gimbert's amazing Clapometer.

This will turn your applause - your noise, your cheers -

into points. Quite simply, the highest points goes free.

Who will it be? Well, he was marvellous -

let's hear your appreciation for Andrey Averyushkin!

Come on, Andrey!

Come on!

Ooh, a moderate score of 76.7 for Andrey there.

The next act, very unusual. Let's hear it, please, for Scat Bloke!

Ooh, it's a 63.9 for Scat Bloke. He'll be staying with us.

Well, the next act was unusual - he had an arm, he had a leg

and some of them fell off! Is the score going to fall off,

or is it going to rise, for Justin Monehen!

Oh, you liked him...

You liked him, he goes into the lead with 88,

that's Justin. Yes!

Well, just one more act could pip Justin at the post

to go free from The Slammer.

They were very athletic, they were marvellous. Did you think so?

Let's hear it for the Zaporozhian Cossacks!

82.6. I think that means that going free tonight, with a score of 88,

it's Justin Monehen! He's free to go!

WILD CHEERING

There we are.

Well, bad luck to the rest of you, you were all marvellous acts,

but you're just in time for tea.

-Mr Burgess, what's for tea tonight?

-Burger and chips, sir.

Burger and chips?!

12 ounces of prime sloppy-ploppy porridge

sandwiched between a sesame seed bap.

-Well, at least they get chips.

-Chips are off.

Hold on a minute, sir... The baps are off as well.

Thank you very much. Give 'em a big round of applause,

the Cossacks, Scat Bloke, and of course Andrey.

Jailers and jailbirds, that's it. We'll see you again soon,

and remember - if you don't make the audience shout, clap and cheer...

you'll be serving more time here in The Slammer! Bye-bye, everybody!

Subtitles by David Smith, Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Right, Max. Time to take a little rest from quizzes for a while.

-DING!

-Is the right answer, Guv!

-But first I'm ready to take on the cube...

-Shut up and get in the cell.

-Can I phone a friend?

-NO!