Who Is the Governor? The Slammer

'Dear Mum, who can forget the week we've had? The Governor for one.'

-Who am I?

-'The Freedom Show had some unforgettable acts...'

CHEERING

'..but The Governor managed to forget every single one of them!

'Still, at least they've given me this brand-new paperweight.'

# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Almost show time. How do I look?

BOTH: Divine, sir.

Thank you very much. In that case, it's...

RINGING

Oh, yeah! I meant to warn you about the new burglar alarm!

I didn't want anyone to touch the show-time lever!

Burglar alarm? Why do we need a burglar alarm?

-Cos we work in a prison(!)

-You idiot.

Sir! Good grief! The Governor is dead!

HE SCREAMS Stop that, stop that, shut up!

Let me finish. The Governor is dead...

lucky that that didn't kill him.

Sir? Sir? Sir?

-Ah!

-Ooh!

Where is Mr Snuggles?

-I want Mr Snuggles!

-HE SCREAMS

Are you all right, Governor?

-Who's The Governor?

-BOTH: You're The Governor.

-Am I?

-Don't you remember, sir?

Remember what? Where am I?

Na, na, na, na, na...

That bump on the head has made him lose his memory.

He can't do the Freedom Show like this.

-I'll have to do it!

-Nope. We'll have to cancel the show.

GIMBERT GROANS

He'll break the mirror if he keeps doing that!

This is terrible. Show Time should have started.

Maybe if he sees the acts it'll jog his memory.

That's a good idea, lad.

I can't believe I just said that. Right!

Hop to it!

CHATTER

Are we going on an adventure?

Will we see monkeys? I like monkeys!

He looks like a monkey!

Not exactly, sir. These are the acts

-which you will be introducing on stage, sir.

-What acts?

There's 3RUN.

And there's Bollywood Dreams, sir.

There's Alina Eskina.

And last but not least, the fabulous West End Fever, sir!

-Ring any bells?

-Not a sausage.

What, not even this one?

-Never seen it.

-Things must be bad

if uncle can't remember his favourite sausage.

Uncle?! You mean we're related? No wonder I'm trying to forget!

Oh, evening all!

What's going on? The audience is getting restless!

"Yeah! I've not seen them this bored since Paintbrush Paul

"and his amazing paint-drying act garbage."

-It's good, that, I like that, "garbage."

-"Yeah.

Hang on, Governor never laughs at Titch's jokes, what's going on?

-Nothing.

-He's lost his memory!

Shut up! We don't want everyone knowing, it'll cause a riot!

THUD!

-Hang on, do that again.

-THUD!

That is definitely familiar. One more time!

-THUD!

-Yeah, I... It's...

-No, I've forgotten!

-"Oh.

"Don't stop now, Mr Burgess, I was just enjoying that!"

Hey, he's dead good, him! I like him!

Oh dear, it's worse than we thought. He's totally lost it.

This calls for emergency measures.

This calls for sloppy...ploppy...porridge!

Right! If this doesn't snap him out of it, I don't know what will.

-GOVERNOR BURPS

-Come on, Uncle! Down the hatch!

"Yum, yum, yum, yum! Oats and milk!"

GOVERNOR SPLUTTERS

HE BURPS

-You all right, sir?

-Wait a minute!

It's all coming back to me now! I remember!

You're a wally, your lips move, and you've got a silly moustache!

And most importantly... It's Show Time!

I think.

Close enough! Let's get him to the stage!

-This way, sir! Quick as you can.

-But I don't remember anything!

-ANNOUNCER:

-'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

'Now, please welcome your host, his friends call him Ted,

'he's been smacked on the head,

'it's The Governor!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's The Governor?

ALL: You're The Governor!

Who's The Governor?

ALL: You're The Governor!

Anyway, let's get on with the first performing prisoner.

It's an act that needs no introduction, which is just as well,

cos I've forgotten who it is!

3RUN, sir.

Oh, yes. Please welcome 3RUN Sir! Yeah!

DANCE MUSIC

AUDIENCE GASPS

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

CHEERING

Oh, well, well! Oh!

What was that act like?

I don't know, what was it like? I can't remember! Mr Burgess?

Well, looked more like a Friday night in Glasgow city centre to me,

but what did you make of it, miss?

I liked that jump he made.

-You liked the jump he made. Which one in particular?

-Mmm...

-The one off the top balcony?

-Yeah.

-What would have

happened if the crash mat hadn't have been there?

-He'd die?

-He'd die! Splendid, what a fine answer, miss.

-What about you, sir? Did it excite you?

-Yeah.

-Did it get you racing?

-Yeah!

-Did you want

-to be jumping about with them?

-Yeah.

-Like a flea-bitten monkey?

-Yeah.

Yes? I want you to sum that act up, miss, in one final word.

-I think...

-Oh, here we go again!

It's the same thing, week in, week out, isn't it? I asked for one word!

One.

Amazing!

Amazing, sir! Do you have any questions to ask, sir?

-Yeah. Who am I?

-You're The Governor, sir.

-Who's The Governor?

-ALL: You're The Governor!

OK, go!

There, go, go!

The next act is, er...dead good.

Oh! Eh! Oh! I mean, it's a...

Come here, come here!

The next act is, please welcome them,

a pint of milk, three bin bags and a scratch card.

The other side, Uncle!

Oh, sorry, the other side, yes.

Oh, please make some noise

and welcome the fabulous Bollywood Dreams!

CHEERING

# Jai ho

# Jai ho

# Jai ho

# Jai ho

# I got fever

# Running like a fire

# For you I will go all the way I'm gonna take you higher

# Jai ho

# I keep it steady cos steady is how I deal it

-# Jai ho

-This beat is heavy

# So heavy you gonna feel it

# Jai ho

-# You are the reason that I breathe

-Jai ho

# You are the reason that I still believe

-# Jai ho

-You are my destiny

-# Jai ho

-You and me, it's destiny

# Catch me, catch me, catch me Come and catch me

# I want you now

# I know you can save me Come and save me, I need you now

# I am yours forever Yes, forever I will follow

# Any way on any day

-# Never gonna let go

-Jai ho

-# Ya, ya, ya-ya, ya, ya

-Jai ho

-# Ya, ya, ya-ya, ya, ya

-Jai ho

-# I need you, gonna make it

-Jai ho

-# I'm ready, so take it

-Jai ho

# No, there is nothing that can stop us

-# Jai ho

-Nothing can ever come between us

# So come and dance with me Jai ho

-# You and me, it's destiny

-Jai ho

# Baila, baila

# Baila, baila

-# Jai ho

-Baila, baila

# Jai ho. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes. Oh, come on. Oh, marvellous.

Oh, yeah, I really enjoyed that, I just can't remember enjoying it!

Oh dear, I'm all over the place.

Mr Burgess, is this the bit where we ask questions?

It is, sir. Why don't you leave this to me and have a sit down?

In Paris, preferably.

LAUGHTER

Right, now. Miss, did you enjoy it?

-Yeah.

-Would you pay money to go and see it?

-Erm, yeah.

-How much?

50 quid?

GIRL LAUGHS

-Erm...yeah.

-I've got tickets for them at the Bradford Alhambra.

Would you take them?

-Yeah.

-You would, right.

See me after. And what about you, young lady?

Erm, it was really energetic and elegant,

and I loved their transitions into the next move.

What a very eloquent speaker you are. Would you like to elaborate on this?

They had lots of action. It looked like they put a lot of effort in.

They did. What about artistic integrity?

How many marks out of ten for that?

Ten.

-Would you release them on that performance?

-Yeah.

-You think they should go free?

-Definitely.

-It's looking...

-Sorry...

-Sir! Mr Burgess, I've got a question!

-Yes.

-Can I go to the toilet?

LAUGHTER

After the show.

Oh!

Right, could you sum that act up for me in one final word, miss!

-Beautiful.

-Beautiful!

Beautiful it was. Sir.

That's marvellous, marvellous, marvellous. Er, what happens next?

Solitary Confinement, sir!

-Oh, good! What's that?

-SCREAMING

LAUGHTER

Ah, yes, yes. Hello, er...

Solitary Confinement.

That's where we, erm...

Where we pick a prisoner from solitary confinement

and either give him

-the thumbs-up or the thumbs-down, sir.

-Oh, very good.

-So all we need is...

-A judge from the audience, sir.

Who'd like to be a judge? What do you think, Mr Burgess?

-What about this young man with the cap, sir?

-With the cap, yeah.

Give him a round of applause.

CHEERING Stand by The Governor.

Hello. What's your name?

-Lee.

-Lee, you're going to be the judge.

Remember, at the end of the act, you give them a thumbs-up

-or a thumbs-down. All right, can you do that?

-Yep.

Very good indeed. So it's a thumbs-up...

Thumbs up, sir, it's back to a normal cell, with choccy biccies,

cocoa and Countdown at half past four!

Thumbs down, and it's...

A cruel and unusual punishment, sir.

A cruel and unusual punishment.

And what's the cruel and unusual punishment today?

Being covered in sloppy porridge

and getting next-door's dog to lick it off, sir.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-How is the wife?

-Not now, sir.

All right, then. All right, so, remember,

it's up to you to decide, OK? So, it's time for Solitary Confinement!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "The Beautiful Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss

-APPLAUSE

-Give him a round of applause!

CHEERING

Well, I don't know. It's up to this young man here to decide now.

Remember, thumbs up and it's feeling glad all over.

Thumbs down and it's the tongue of Rover.

You've got five seconds to decide! Here we go.

Ohhh!

-Take him back to the cell!

-Back to the cell!

Give this young man a nice round of applause

-for being the judge. Well done!

-APPLAUSE

Cor, what a stinky fish that was! What a smelly kipper!

-Now then. Marvellous.

-Are you ready to soldier on on your own now, sir?

WATER SPLASHES AND DOG BARKS

ALL: Ewww!

SCREAMING

DOG BARKS

CHEERING

It's all coming back to me now, it's all up there in my foot.

-I think I can do fine by myself.

-Right you are, sir.

Off you go, good lad, good lad. Yes, anyway,

the next act is, er... Oh dear.

It's, erm... Help me...

THE GOVERNOR MUMBLES

It's a lean...lean...

Er, lean... Laughing monkey...

No, no... Yes, yes!

A lean, yes... Hands...

Shave, need a shave, sweaty...

Skin! Skin!

Alina Eskina! Yeah!

Give it up, please, for Alina Eskina!

CHEERING

DRAMATIC MUSIC

AUDIENCE GASPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

AUDIENCE GASPS

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

AUDIENCE GASPS

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

CHEERING

Oh, marvellous!

Give her a big hand there, yes!

You know, I don't remember seeing an act like that before.

In fact, I don't remember seeing that one! Anyway, Mr Burgess.

-Did you think was pretty spectacular, sir?

-Er, yeah, that was OK.

MIMICS BOY : Er, yeah!

-Yeah, it was good.

-It was good?

-Yeah.

That? That's all you can say, sir?! Good?!

-It was amazing, then.

-Amazing. Was it out of this world?

-Yes.

-You seem very vocal. Perhaps you'd like to give us your take?

-Erm, it was all right.

-"It was all right?!"

-"It was all right?!"

-Yeah.

And...

-She done good.

-"She done good?!"

What is you, a football manager?

LAUGHTER

-Erm, no.

-No. Right, back to your seat.

Behave and shut up. Are you feeling up to a few questions now, sir?

What about when the tigers came out, that was the best bit, wasn't it?

Rarr, rarr, tigers, rarrr!

Scary, oh! Mama, mama! Mama!

-Erm...

-Do you think I'm nuts?

Yes, definitely.

What did you think? I don't normally like brass bands,

but I thought she was very good.

I don't think there was any brass bands.

Weren't there? But I kept hearing them.

Oompah, oompah, oompah...

You must be going mad, then.

I must be what?!

You must be going mad.

Mr Burgess, send for the nurse!

Would you like to sum that up in one lovely word for us then, miss?

Fabulous.

Fabulous, sir.

I think it's time for the last act, isn't it?

-Are you all right, sir?

-I think so.

Come and help me and we'll do it together. Let's get up here.

We go back a long time. I like you standing by me. It makes me happy.

I can do it, but you stay there.

One more performing prisoner act to see, jailers and jailbirds,

they're absolutely marvellous - don't worry, I've got it -

-it's West End Girls!

-Fever!

-Fever!

CHEERING

Here we go!

# I got chills, they're multiplying

# And I'm losing control

# Cos the power you're supplyin'

# It's electrifyin'

# You better shape up

# Cos I need a man

# And my heart is set on you

# You better shape up

# You better understand

# To my heart I must be true

# Nothing left nothing left for me to do

# You're the one that I want

# You are the one I want Oo-oo-oo, honey

# The one that I want

# You are the one I want Oo-oo-oo, honey

# The one that I want

# You are the one I want Oo-oo-oo

# The one that I need

# Oh, yes indeed. #

MUSIC CHANGE: "MAMMA MIA" BY ABBA

# I've been cheated by you and I think you know when

# So I've made up my mind it must come to an end

# Look at me now

# Will I ever learn?

# I don't know how

# But I suddenly lose control

# There's a fire within my soul

# Just one look and I can hear a bell ring

# One more look and I forget everything

# Oh-oh

# Mamma mia, does it show again

# My, my, just how much I missed ya?

# Yes, I've been broken-hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why, why did I ever let you go?

# Mamma mia, now I really know

# My, my I should not have let you go. #

CHEERING

Come on! Let's hear it for them, boys and girls!

Jailers and jailbirds, please!

Oh, yes. Yes, I think they were marvellous. I think.

Well, I think I think. I've forgotten. Oh!

West End girls, West End boys,

the West End Fever, and in the East End, it's Mr Burgess.

What a West End foot-tapping medley that was.

-What did you think?

-I think it was the best yet,

and it's definitely got my vote.

What particularly attracted you to that act, madam?

The fact that they all did different, and then in the end,

they all did the same.

What about you, sir?

I thought that was all right.

What didn't you like specifically?

-The singing.

-What, not good enough?

Er, yeah. Not good enough.

What did you think of that musical act, in song?

# Mamma mia! #

# Was it really good? # Can you sing for me?

# Fabbalistic! #

-LAUGHTER

-Fabbalistic?

-Oh, that's good!

-For a final word, sum that act up, miss.

All right.

LAUGHTER

All right, sir. You can't please 'em all, can you?

Well, jailers and jailbirds, it's now time to decide

who goes free, with the aid of this. Yes, it's the clap-o-meter,

as modelled by Dimbert. I mean, Gimbert. No, I was right first time.

If my memory serves me correctly,

you decide who goes free by making the most noise.

Welcome back, please, all our performing prisoners!

3RUN, Bollywood Dreams, Alina Eskina, and West End Fever!

-Come on, let's hear it for them all!

-CHEERING

Yes.

Marvellous, marvellous. Well, my memory's served me well so far,

but who do you think is going to go free?

So, performing prisoner appreciators, please,

show your appreciation for 3RUN!

CHEERING

How about that! A great score, 94.9.

Yes, 94.9, marvellous. Well, I think I've been in dreamland all day,

but these were certainly dreamy.

It was Bollywood Dreams!

CHEERING

A good score. A good score,

but I think you're staying with us a little longer.

83.1. Well, next, this young lady, well, my word.

She was a cube, but she wasn't square, she was wonderful.

She was Alina Eskina!

CHEERING

Oh, Alina!

91.4! Does that put her in the lead?

Let's see... No, not quite!

It's 94.9, it's still 3RUN.

One more performing prisoner act to see,

they were wonderful, they had the fever,

did they have the fever to win? It's West End Fever!

CHEERING

Oh, 88... 89.6, oh, dear!

89.6.

Never mind, perhaps you can perform at The Slammer Christmas Party.

Well, that means, with a score of 94.9 and going free,

-it's 3RUN!

-CHEERING

Take 'em away, lads! You're free to go, off you go.

Give them a big hand there. For the rest of you,

the good news is you're in time for tea. What's for tea tonight?

-Leftovers, sir.

-Leftover what?

Leftover sloppy, ploppy porridge.

Oh, dear! Off you go!

Bye-bye, everybody, bye-bye. There we are, boys and girls,

there we are. That's it from The Slammer this week,

I hope I get my memory back soon,

but remember, boys and girls, jailers and jailbirds,

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme, don't do the, er...

ALL: Crime!

That's it, I remember now! Bye-bye, everybody! Bye-bye!

CHEERING

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Well done, everybody! Another great Freedom Show.

-And thanks for helping me out.

-That's all right, sir.

The thing I can't work out is how I lost my memory in the first place!

Perhaps if I retraced my steps.

I was standing about here...

It was almost Show Time, so I was looking divine, naturally.

And I pulled the lever!

-No!

-No!

-RINGING