Slammer Power The Slammer

'Dear Mum, thanks for your letter. It was exactly what I needed.'

'It was another amazing Freedom Show this week.

'Some of the acts were a sight to behold.

'Some of the acts were a sight to avoid.

MUFFLED SINGING

'And one act saved the show from being cancelled all because of me.'

HE SINGS

# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# The Slammer! It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-Your morning post has arrived, sir.

-Ah.

Yeah, mostly junk mail, I'm afraid.

Well, there's just time to read one before today's Freedom Show.

Ooh! "My darling teddykins..." It's an electricity bill.

"It has come to my attention

"that The Slammer has been using lots of electricity."

Have we?

-I don't think so, sir.

-Nothing comes to mind, Uncle.

No, me neither.

"Unless The Slammer can pay this month's electricity bill

"of £9,000...we will have no choice but to cut you off.

"Lots of love, Pumpy Power Ltd."

No electricity means no Freedom Show.

What about this week's acts?

Team Extreme...

or Mr Origami...

or The Magnificent Geoff...

or No Horses, Only Fools...

Let's hope we can sort out this problem before...

-What's up, sir? No kiss on the bottom?

-They're cutting us off today!

But they have put a little kiss at the bottom.

-Valued customer, you see, sir.

-Nice that.

Hello, new person! Ssh.

I'm Pete. You're an opera singer. You should apply for the Freedom Show.

# Not any more! Singing is a bore! #

Ohh! You've got a very powerful voice.

Why are you so down on singing?

# I used to be so popular

# Now nobody young likes opera! #

Ohh.

That's not true. You'll see.

Things will soon brighten up.

You don't do LIGHT opera, do you?

# No! #

Oh, my head!

-CROWD JEERS

-Give me a chance to speak.

-Mr Burgess!

-Shut up!

-Thank you.

Now, The Slammer has had its electric cut off.

With no power, there'll be no Freedom Show.

What?!

I've got an idea, Uncle. Why don't we make our own electricity?

Don't be so stupid, Gimbert. Although...I've got an idea.

If we can't afford to PAY for electricity,

-why don't we make our own electricity?

-CHEERING

So get thinking, everyone - as many different ways as possible

to generate power. The audience is on the way in.

If we can pull this off, there might still be a Freedom Show!

CHEERING

-Not in front of the men, sir.

-Oh, yes, yes.

-So what ideas have we got, Frank?

-Well, none really, sir.

Wave power, but that was a complete disaster.

-What about the wind turbine?

-Blew away, sir.

-Ohh.

So it looks like we're down to our very last idea

to generate electricity. I give you...Gimbert power!

-Get pedalling, lad.

-Ow!

It's working. It's working. Ah, so...

-just in time. How do I look?

-Electric, sir.

-Thank you very much.

In that case, it's show time.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now please welcome your host.

He's got the whole building being powered by a bike,

so cheer and applaud and go... SQUEAK, POP, COUGH! ..if you like.

It's the guv'nor!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the guv'nor?!

-You are the guv'nor!

We've got a few problems in The Slammer this week

with the electricity, but we've powered Gimbert up on his bike,

and hopefully he'll generate enough pedal-power...

SCREAMING

Don't worry. Don't panic! Gimbert, keep going, you fool.

We should be all right as long as Gimbert keeps pedalling.

Let's not hang about any longer.

We've got four fantastic performing prisoner acts - Mr Origami! Whoa!

AUDIENCE: Woo-oo!

We've got The Magnificent Geoff!

-WOO-OO!

-He's magnificent and he's called Geoff.

And we've got No Horses, Only Fools.

-WOO-OO!

-They're very acrobatic.

And this first performing prisoner act is acrobatic as well.

They do wonderful things on skates.

They are the brilliant, the magnificent Team Extreme!

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Wow, go on!

What about that? What a fantastic opening act there.

Well, what did you think? Let's get our skates on with Mr Burgess.

Team Extreme there, death-defying skill, sir, or just showing off?

Er, death-defying skill.

-Death-defying skill?

-I think.

-You think?

-Yes.

-But you're not sure.

-Er, yes.

-Are you sure of anything, sir?

-Er, no.

-Right.

-What did you think about Team Extreme?

-I was really worried

when he jumped off there. I thought he might muck up by accident.

-What did you think?

-Er, brill-tastic.

-And?

-Um, good.

-And?

-Great.

-And?

-Amazing.

-And?

-Undescribable.

Thank you.

-And did you like them?

-Yeah, it was an adrenalin rush.

An adrenalin rush? What happens when you have an adrenalin rush?

You sort of, um, maybe you sort of get a really scared and you...

Show me in your face how you get with an adrenalin rush.

Sum that act up in one word, miss!

-Fabul-astic.

-Fabul-astic, sir. Interesting.

Well, on to our next performing prisoner act,

and what a wonderful act this is.

It's a unique kind of act. It's an act that involves origami.

-Oh, dear! Oh, don't worry!

-SCREAMING

Oh, don't panic, jailers and jailbirds. It's just Gimbert.

Mr Jenkins? Go and sort out Mr Gimbert, will you?

Dear, dear. Right, sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, as I was saying, on to our next performing prisoner act.

Ow!

Will he be going free? Let's find out as we welcome...

-Mr Origami!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Let's see what we can make of the papers today.

MUSIC: "Take On Me" by A-ha

Let's see what we can make of the big papers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, no, it's the Guardian!

Run for your lives, run for your lives!

And that's what I made of the papers today! Argh!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

There we are, come on. Give him a round of applause,

ladies and gentlemen.

It's time for you to make some marks down on your paper.

What did you think of Mr Origami?

Well, Mr Origami there. Any good or just a waste of trees?

I thought it was really good and his facial expressions were funny.

< Do you like that in a comedy act, miss? Good facial expressions.

-Yes, I guess.

-Got any yourself?

-What expression is that?

-I don't know.

-You don't know?

-Shocked.

Shock. Number 47. Always a good one.

Tell us all about Mr Origami.

I think it was good and it was a bit unbelievable

and there wasn't a dull moment in it.

It was weird when he made the hat, though.

One final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

-Funny with a twist.

-Funny with a twist, sir.

Jailers and jailbirds,

it's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

AUDIENCE: WOO!

These are the acts whose show-biz crimes are so terrible, we have to

keep them away from the rest of the performing prisoners here.

What will you make of them? This week, if they get the thumbs-up,

they'll get a treat. In their cell, they'll have a pillow on their bed.

A real pillow! But if they get the thumbs-down,

back to their cell for a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess.

-Sir.

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's a rough steam-clean with Dirty Vera, sir.

Ooh! All right, then.

-We need a judge, Mr Burgess. Could you pick a wise person?

-Sir.

Who'd like to judge this? You, sir.

-Step this way up on stage.

-Give him a round of applause.

-Come over here, please, sir.

-APPLAUSE

-What is your name?

-Frank.

-Frank? Thank you. You decide

thumbs up or thumbs down

after we've seen today's Solitary Confinement!

This way, sir.

MUSIC PLAYS

# Maybe I didn't treat you

# Quite as good as I should have

# Maybe I didn't love you

# Quite as often as I could have

# Little things that I should've said and done

# I just never had the time

# You were always on my mind

# You were always

# On my mind. #

Come on. Come on, then. Get hold of them. Dear, oh, dear.

Custard creams everywhere. I think they're crackers! Well, Frank,

get that thumb, hold it there. Remember,

thumbs up and it's a pillow and a sweet, sweet dream.

Thumbs down, off to Vera for a smelly steam-clean.

It's up to you. Five seconds. What's it going to be? Thumbs up?

Thumbs down?

Ohh, it's down!

Take them off. There they go

-to solitary confinement.

-AUDIENCE BOOS

And give Frank a round of applause as well. Well done, Frank.

Marvellous. Well, there we are.

We're going to have to clean up these biscuits but, er...

CLATTERING AND SCREAMING

Oh, you should see how she makes the steam. Pwah!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

It'll be all right.

It's just the electrics. What?

What's that, Peter? Yes. Oh, good idea, yeah.

-SCREAMS

-Don't worry, don't worry.

The power - we're going to try something now. Unfortunately,

we won't be seeing The Magnificent Geoff, but we're going to try

the lung power of this gentleman and hope that he really is electric.

He might get the power going with just the force of his voice.

Will you please welcome the fantastically powerful lungs

-of Frederico Forte...somewhere.

-APPLAUSE

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

# Nessun dorma

# Nessun dorma

# Tu pure, o, Principessa

# Nella tua fredda stanza

# Guardi le stelle

# Che tremano d'amore

# E di speranza

# Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me

# Il nome mio nessun sapra, no, no

# Sulla tua bocca lo diro

# Quando la luce

# Vincero

# Vincero

# Vincero

# Vincero! #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

He brought the lights back on. Give him a big cheer. Yes!

Oh, Frederico Forte, with the sheer power of those lungs there.

Marvellous. Is he a tenor... or just worth a fiver?

Mr Burgess?

Frederico Forte. Before he got banged up, he ran a successful hotel chain,

but that's another story. Miss?

I think he was really good,

and he was amazing, magnificent, lively, interesting,

and really good.

-Did you enjoy that act?

-Yeah.

-Tell us all about it.

-Um...

it was special, it was interesting.

I didn't think it would happen in a jail like this.

-Jail like this? We're very cultured here.

-What about you, miss?

I think he was great and he should be free

because he was the best so far.

He's got a very, very strong voice and I'd give him a ten out of ten.

-What did you think of Frederico Forte?

-He was incredibly good

-and he couldn't get any better.

-Couldn't get any better? What else?

I felt it was like unreal cos it was so good.

Right, for one final word, sum that up for me, sir.

-Italian.

-Italian, sir.

Well, there we are, and the good news is, jailers and jailbirds,

Frederico has managed to generate enough power

with that tremendous singing to give us electricity for hours!

CHEERING

We'll be able to see

the final performing prisoner acts of The Slammer.

Who will be going free? You'll decide after you've seen

the tomfoolery, the fun

and the frolics of - you've seen these before somewhere -

No Horses, Only Fools!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: THEME TUNE TO "Only Fools And Horses"

VAN WON'T START

MUSIC FADES OUT

LIVELY PIANO MUSIC

BANG!

BEEP!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Grab him there. Quick, quick, grab him!

My word. Well, lots of horse play there, or were they just fools?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

No Horses, Only Fools. What did you make of our rogue traders, miss?

Stupid, silly, weird, stupendous and idiotic.

That about sums it up, thank you.

What about you, sir? Man's perspective.

I think it was insane, mad

and I loved it when they did loads of flips.

-You like loads of flips, sir?

-Yes.

-Did you like them?

-Yes.

-What did you think of the act?

-I thought they were hilarious.

-Yeah?

-Have they done enough to go free?

-Hopefully.

And for one final word, sum that act up, miss.

-Funny.

-Funny, sir.

The electricity has lasted out so now we've got the clapometer

which will decide who is going to go free.

Let's welcome back all the acts.

Team Extreme, Mr Origami,

Frederico Forte,

and No Horses, Only Fools.

Yes, the clapometer. The more you clap and cheer,

the higher their score. Quite simply,

the act with the highest score goes free.

Please show your appreciation for Team Extreme.

Wow, a very high score, straight into the 90s.

91.5. Back you go there, lads.

Well done indeed. Marvellous. Team Extreme.

The next act that we saw was very unusual

but they certainly folded things marvellously.

Oh, look, and the Guardian's with him. It's Mr Origami!

Yeah, it's a paper-thin score, I'm afraid. 62.3.

I think you'll be staying for supper, lads. The next gentleman

certainly helped us in The Slammer. He got the lights going again.

Please show your appreciation

for Frederico Forte.

Oh, 92.9. He goes into the lead.

92.9! Well, only one act,

jailers and jailbirds, can catch him now.

Will they be going free? They might be able to jump over the walls!

No Horses, Only Fools.

Oh, wow.

Oh!

Oh, they didn't quite do it. It means that the winner,

with a score of 92.9, was Frederico Forte!

-LOUD CHEERS

-He's free to go. Off you go.

There we go. He goes free from The Slammer.

The only good news for the rest of you is,

you're in time for tea. Mr Burgess,

-I assume it's porridge again.

-Well, it is, sir,

-but Chef's done something clever.

-What?

-It's dribbly-wibbly, not sloppy-ploppy.

-Really?

-Not really, sir, it's sloppy-ploppy porridge.

-Ohh! Take them back!

Give them a big round of applause and a cheer.

Off you go.

There they are. Well, jailers and jailbirds,

more performing prisoners for you very soon here on The Slammer.

Remember, if you don't make the audience scream and yell,

we've always got room for you in a cell

here at The Slammer. Bye-bye, jailers and jailbirds!

# Mu-u-um! #

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-TV COMMENTATOR:

-'And it's passed forward, he takes a shot...'

-THEY SIGH

-Gentlemen, shall we?

-Sir.

TOGETHER: # La-a-a-a-a-a-a! #

-'That really is a result.'

-Well done, chaps.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd