Gov on the Run The Slammer

'Dear Mum. Thank you for the fairy cakes, they really are delicious.'

SOBBING

'So light, moist and tasty. Yum-yum.

'Anyway, we had a great show today...'

-# Ahhh... #

-CHEERING

'..even though The Governor hadn't been himself this week.'

-WHOOSHING AND CRASHING

-Ai ai ai ai ai ai! Oh!

KLAXON WAILS

# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-Ah, Mr Burgess.

-Sir.

-There you are. The audience are on their way in.

This week's Freedom Show's going to be brilliant!

-Is it really, sir.

-Honest, yes.

We've got jugglers...

-Pick 'em up, pick 'em up!

-Never mind about that!

We've got an incredible somersaulting Chihuahua!

Come on, somersault!

Vermin, sir.

Oh. Ah, but we've got our incredible acrobats, ooh!

Stay on your feet, lad.

Never mind, never mind. We've got, er...our strong man.

-It's too heavy.

-No backbone, sir.

I don't believe it. You lot are rubbish!

-ENTERTAINERS SOB

-You're an embarrassment to entertainment!

They're lifeless, sir. The spark's gone, sir.

Yeah, well, cry me a river, Mr Burgess.

Yeah. I'm not having it. Get me the Ministry of Show Biz.

We need an expert to sort this lot out.

Get me Alec Baldwig.

Sir!

I know he said you were rubbish, but he didn't mean it.

"Oh yes, he did!"

Shut it, you!

He meant it in a nice way.

"How does that woik?"

Shhh! Have another try, I'm sure it's just nerves.

-DRUM ROLL

-Put those juggling clubs down!

Got your attention, have I?

You lot are pathetic!

Call yourselves performers? You're a disgrace!

Well, who are you?

I am your ticket out of here, sunshine.

I'm Sunday night at the London Palladium.

I'm eight o'clock, BBC One, Saturday night.

I'm 50 performances at Caesars Palace.

That's Las Vegas, for your information!

That's who I am!

"Well, I have never hoid of you!"

Well, maybe you've been in here too long, you Muppet!

-HE LAUGHS

-Out there, I am your biggest threat.

I'm something you should be very afraid of,

because I am an...

TAP-DANCE MUSIC

DRUM ROLL

CYMBAL CRASH

HE LAUGHS

SMASH!

So...want my help or not?

SCREAMING

That's more like it! I knew Alec Baldwig would do the trick!

Anything for you, my son!

You know, this man was the most talented student

I've ever had! He was the finest Riverdancer

to come out of the Wirral!

-The where, sir?

-The Wirral!

Oh, get you!

"Do it! Do Riverdance!"

I haven't got any music!

Well, it's been a long time!

-"Ah, well, forget it, then!"

-All right, hit it!

IRISH FOLK MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

-Where am I?

-You're in The Slammer, sir.

-What?

-You're The Governor!

-It's all coming back to me now!

But it seemed just then as if I was a superstar!

You were! Or rather, you could have been.

Well, I'm not having that!

Why should I stay in here, looking after his bunch of lowlife losers,

when I could be Lord of the Riverdance?

IRISH FOLK MUSIC

-Ah!

-What about the Freedom Show, sir?

-Forget that.

All I want to do is dance, dance, dance!

IRISH FOLK MUSIC

Oi! If you're serious about this, you'll need some representation!

That is brilliant, that is, eh?

That's just marvellous, eh?

Who'll do the Freedom Show now?

KLAXON WAILS All right.

-How do I look?

-"Like you always do..."

Shut up! In that case, it's show time!

-OVER PA:

-'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

'Now, please welcome your host...

'For this evening's performance,

'the part of Ted Governor will be played by Frank Burgess.

'It's Mr Burgess!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's the senior prison officer?

-SCATTERED:

-You're the senior prison officer!

Thank you, and don't forget it. Right, now, unaccustomed as I am

to presenting show-biz entertainment,

I'm not devoid of all wit and repartee in that department.

So if you'll indulge me,

I'd like to start with a few of my comedy stylings,

a little bit of observational comedy for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever noticed...

have you ever noticed...

that when you're banging the prisoners up at night,

the lock to cell three always sticks a bit?

SCATTERED CHUCKLING

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Thank you very much.

Right! What a fantastic bill we've got for you tonight.

On the bill, we have the wonderful Tracy Jones!

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

We have improvisational stuff -

that means making it up as you go along -

with the Showstoppers!

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

And a bit of fancy footwork from Germaine Delbosq.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

But the first act up on the parade square this evening,

ladies and gentlemen, is a very unique act.

So please give a warm welcome for Sasha The Human Frog! Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey"

Woo!

GASPS

GASPS

CHEERING

DRUM ROLL

GASPS

GASPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL

GASPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL

GASPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well.

Sasha The Human Frog there. But what did you think?

Will he be hoppin' free over the wall at the end of the show?

Let's have a word with Mr Burge... Oh, that's me.

LAUGHTER

Right. Now then, Miss. Twisty enough?

It was disgusting, but cool as well and it was really awesome.

And I didn't think he would be able to get that far round,

I've never seen that before!

-What did you think of that?

-It was really awkward.

When he was about to do the full turn, it made me shiver.

-Shiver?

-Yeah.

-Like...whoa?!

Like he would break his bone, cos no human can do that.

-Well, he did!

-It was just odd.

-Sir?

-I thought it was... amazing and very disgusting.

-What did you think of the froggie act?

-It was fantastic.

Fantastic? What especially did you like about it?

-Their clothes.

-The clothes?

-Yeah.

All the turning around, unnatural things, the best thing was...?

-The clothes.

-Clothes?

-Yeah.

-Sum that act up for me in one word, sir.

-Incredible!

Incredible... Oh, it's me, isn't it? Incredible, sir.

It's totally sold out!

I've added two more shows tonight and seven on Thursday

and Live In Studio Five is looking good!

-Ha-ha! Are you all right?

-Yes, fine, totally.

-BELL RINGS

-How do I look?

A bit sweaty.

So, the next act up, please give a big warm HMP Slammer welcome

for the aerial acrobatics of Miss Tracy Jones!

Thank you! CHEERING

MUSIC STARTS

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MUSIC STOPS, CHEERING

Well, Tracy Jones there defying the laws of gravity,

but can she defy the laws of this slammer to get out of here?

That'll be up to you. Mr Bur...? Oh, it's me again!

CHILDREN GIGGLE Right, yes, get down 'ere.

-Now then, young sir?

-Well, I thought it was absolutely phenomenal

-and she was brave to climb up there.

-What do you say about Tracy Jones?

-I thought it was incredible and really entertaining...

-Yeah?

..and I'm not sure how she did it,

cos she must've got really dizzy and she was really flexible.

-What about you, miss?

-It was absolutely mind-blowing.

I had tingles up my spine!

Should she be allowed out or should she stay?

Allowed out, cos she was the most incredible thing I've ever seen!

- She was so flexible and amazing! - Sir? You could call that act

amazing, spectacular, marvellous, splendiferous, out of this world!

Sum it up in one final word that isn't one of those.

-Um...

-Good enough, sir, thank you. LAUGHTER

-That was amazing!

-Yes, it was amazing!

-Who's the governor?

-You're not, not any more! You're on in an hour.

-RINGTONE: # I've got rhythm! #

-Hello? Yes, this is he!

I don't know what you'll think of the next act,

because it's time for... Solitary Confinement.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS, WOMAN SCREAMS

Yes! It's the part of the show where we bring a prisoner

who is so entertainingly awful, we must keep him locked away

on his own in a cell away from the rest of the prisoners.

Now, if they perform well, and you judge him to have done so,

he gets to go back to a normal cell

with scratchy blankets and a nice, clean potty!

CHILDREN GASP THEN LAUGH However...

if he doesn't perform so well, and gets the thumbs down,

then it's a cruel and unusual punishment, which this week is...

Oh, dear. Yes, can't say too much about that, but it involves this.

LAUGHTER

Very strange. So...

to carry on, we need a judge and juror from the audience!

Who'd like to come up here and have a go?

Right, you miss, step right up, please.

Look sharp! Up on the stage, thank you!

-CHEERING Thank you. What's your name?

-Katie.

Right, bring on today's Solitary Confinement act, which is...

-What do you want?

-(Slight change!)

-Give it 'ere! Get off!

Right, there's a last-minute change. Bring out the act that is...

Flat-Pack Monkey! Bring 'im on!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "If I Didn't Care" by The Ink Spots

CHEERING

GIGGLING

END-OF-ROUND MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now then, miss, you've got to judge that horrific piece of entertainment.

Now, remember, thumbs up, it's a nice, clean potty.

Thumbs down and it's something grotty.

So, put your thumb out like that in the middle.

You've got five seconds starting now!

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Thumbs down! Take him away, back to the cell! Something grotty.

-Take that with you!

-I'm back!

CHEERING

-And who's the governor?

-CHILDREN: You're the governor!

-Oh, Frank, it's great to be back!

-All right! Not now, sir.

-Oh!

Lovely. How's the show going?

-Very well, sir. ..Sorry, would you like to...? Thank you.

-Marvellous!

-What's the next act up?

-It's The Showstoppers, sir.

-Yey!

-CHEERING

Hello, everybody, we are The Showstoppers

and we make up musicals from scratch!

We take your ideas and we make songs out of them.

What we'd like to do first for you is the opening of a musical.

So somewhere a musical would begin, like a place where people may meet.

-Yes?

-A forest.

-In a forest! Fantastic! Absolutely brilliant!

Can you think of the title of this musical set in a forest?

Or should we make it The Forest? What were you going to say?

-Brown Forest.

-The Brown Forest!

-LAUGHTER

We give to you the beginning of the musical The Brown Forest.

PIANO PLAYING

-# Trees! Lots of trees!

-Squawk! Squawk! Squawk! Squawk!

# Fall to your knees and pray to the trees!

ALL: # Trees! Lots of trees!

# Fall to your knees and pray to the trees! #

MUSIC STOPS, CHEERING

Thank you very much! We'd like to do a different song,

maybe one in the style of something you might hear on the radio.

Or maybe a style of music? What about you?

-Pop?

-Pop! What would we like this to be about?

-Right at the back, you?

-Fish!

A pop song about fish.

OK.

# There is nothing better

# On your plate

# Than some fish for your tea

# Fishy fishy fishy fishy

# Won't you be upon my dishy

# For, fishy fishy

# I love you

# Aaaaaaaah

# Oh, my fishy. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, we actually have time for one more. So we'll do one more song.

What would you like?

-Jazz?

-A jazz song!

Ooh! And what would you like, flower girl?

A jazz song about cheese. OK.

# There's nothing better in the world than cheese

# Everybody loves

# Everybody loves Everybody loves

# Everybody loves cheese

# Give me, give me

# Gimme gimme gimme gimme

# Oh-ho

# Give me some cheese. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done. Give them a big hand. The Showstoppers, boys and girls.

I stopped the show once.

Well, I didn't stop it, but I slowed it up a bit.

What did you think of that musical act?

Were they unsung? Mr Burgess?

Right, was that improvisation

or were they just making it up as they go along?

It was incredible cos they just made it as they go along,

any song you said.

What did you think of them?

I thought they were OK and on tune and they made a song each time,

nothing stopped them. They were good.

-Do you think they should go free?

-Yes.

-Yes, you do. OK.

-Now, young lady,

I'd like you to sum up that act of improvisation in one word, please.

-Gobsmacking.

-Gobsmacking, sir!

Well, will The Showstoppers be singing like little free jailbirds

at the end of The Slammer? Who knows...

Only one more performing prisoner to see

and you will really appreciate this, felon fans.

Please show that appreciation for...

Germaine Delbosq!

CHEERING

HEAVY METAL GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

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ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC PLAYS

HEAVY METAL GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

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LOUD CHEERING AND SCREAMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, there we are. Marvellous, wonderful.

Well...on a motorbike and flames and... What she hot stuff?

What did you think, Mr Burgess?

I'd heard they were making a motorcycle test starter,

but that's ridiculous.

-What do you think?

-Really good and brave. The fire was amazing.

What did you think of that act?

I thought it was very funny and clever

how she managed to hold all of the objects up in one go.

What about you, Miss?

It was very impressive when she flipped the fire.

I was so scared that it would fall on her.

I would never have the confidence to do that.

What did you think of Germaine Delbosq?

I think she's amazing, but crazy,

doing it with flames and her feet.

Yeah. Can you do that on your bike?

-No.

-I wouldn't try it either, if I were you. Not a good idea!

One final word to sum that act up, Miss.

Brilliantastic!

Brilliantastic, sir.

Well, my little time-serving turn tabulators,

what did you think of those acts?

Four marvellous acts. Give them all a big hand. They were great.

But only one can go free from The Slammer.

Who's it to be? Let's welcome them back

as we get ready for the clapometer.

Sasha The Human Frog,

Tracy Jones,

The Showstoppers

and let's hear it for Germaine Delbosq!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here they are.

They were sensational, colourful, wonderful,

but will they go free? Who was first? He was sensational.

He turned around, he turned our stomach. He was brilliant.

Will he be hopping over the fence?

It's Sasha The Human Frog!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

81.6. Not bad.

Could be going free. He's blowing you a kiss there.

Merci beaucoup, Sasha.

But next act up was marvellous. She was high up there on a rope.

Will she climb the rope to freedom?

Let's hear it for Tracy Jones!

SCREAMS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, lots of noise! Oh!

85.2!

Let's have a look at that - 85.2.

That means that she's in the lead. Yes, 85.2.

Our next performing prisoners -

there were quite a few of them, they were certainly in harmony.

Will they win your vote? Will they go Top Of The Pops?

It's The Showstoppers!

VERY LOUD SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! With a sensational 90, they go into the lead!

Showstoppers!

Only one act now can beat The Showstoppers.

Will they be going free

and not having sloppy, ploppy porridge for tea?

Who knows... Let's hear it, please, for Germaine Delbosq!

LOUD SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE

It's going...

It's close. It's very close.

88.9, but going free,

it's The Showstoppers!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Take them away. They're free.

The rest of them, they go back to the cells.

They go free, they go back for tea.

Here at The Slammer we always have a yummy tea.

What's for tea today, Mr Burgess?

Japanese favourite today, sir.

Sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-That's not Japanese.

-It is if you drop a dead fish in it, sir.

Take them away. Give them a big hand. They were brilliant.

Back to the cells, though, they go.

Well, there they are.

We've had great fun in The Slammer

and if you don't make the audience clap, scream and yell,

there's always room in a cell, here at The Slammer!

See you soon, folks. Bye.

Bye, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's the only way

# You'll ever The Slammer! #

Ah, lovely, Frank.

This is ridiculous!

Don't you know what you're throwing away?

Fame, fortune!

That Live From Studio Five gig came through, by the way.

I don't care. I don't need showbiz! I'm happy here.

No, I'm not doing it.

No.

I've made me mind up.

Oh! Now that's not fair!

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