Laughing on the Inside The Slammer

'Dear Mum, thank you for the lovely cardigan. I'll wear it every week.'

Thanks.

'You wouldn't believe the acts we had on the freedom show.

'But the big news is about Fronzo, the world's messiest clown.

'Things haven't been going too well for him.'

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to the Slammer Where you better serve your time

# Every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Is going to the limit to try to get released

# So God bless the audience and bring them to the Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them join the clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

-Well done. You're in the show. Go and get ready.

-Move yourselves.

Well, that's the Freedom Show sorted out, Frank.

I've chosen Millie and Tillie, Guy Barrett,

Take Fat and Gandini Jugglers.

-Oh! Frank, careful!

-Sorry, sir.

Sir, there is still...

Oh, no. Not him!

Ohh!

Send in the clown.

All right, Fronzo.

Stay very still, lad. Nothing messy, nothing silly.

For the umpteenth time, why should you have a chance at freedom?

Oh, that's better.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

HONKS HORN

CRAZY LAUGHTER

Frank! Get him! No!

Guv'nor, sir. I'm worried about Fronzo.

-Behind that sad face is... another sad face.

-I don't care.

-He stays until he can control his custard.

-Slapstick is all he knows.

-Take that away and he'll lose all hope.

-I have to be firm, son.

-I can't let that clown walk his big feet all over me.

-Sir!

It doesn't make sense. The cell was locked.

-Are you certain?

-Honestly, Uncle. I do it the same way every night.

Lock the door, got to be sure, check once more, is it secure?

The wheel's going round, but the hamster's dead.

He's right, I'm afraid, sir. I checked.

-Check the locks, pull up your socks, give it a shake...

-Don't you start!

-There's a prisoner loose!

-Or has turned into custard!

-Does your head feel tight?

-Look, sir, a clue!

Everybody, freeze! Detective Ron Zof, CSI: Stroud.

-Blimey, that was quick.

-So which clown is responsible for all this?

Fronzo. And now he's disappeared.

-Ah, interesting. Did he have a bright green afro?

-Yes.

-Pale-looking?

-Yes!

-Sad face?

-Yes!

-Big, red nose?

-Yes, yes!

-I knew it!

-He's good!

-Shut up!

Get me an APB on all bright vehicles with loud horns emitting bubbles

-and potentially missing doors.

-How did he do it?

-Too early to say.

-Only one thing we know for certain.

-What?

-He escaped custardy!

COMEDY MUSIC

No one has come in or out. He's either still here or...

-Or?

-Or?

Or?

Or...not.

-Good shot, sir.

-OK. I got the custardcology report.

The custard was originally bound for a trifle, possibly custard cream.

-Very well, but we've got a show to do.

-Then I'll have to shoot off.

No! We've got an audience full of witnesses. So...

-How do I look?

-Divine, sir.

-Thank you very much. In that case...

..it's showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now please welcome your host...

The Guv'nor had a little clown His hair was green and frizzy

But now the clown's gone missing, so the prison's in a tizzy!

It's the Guv'nor! CHEERING

Thank you, thank you.

-Who's the Guv'nor?

-ALL: You're the Guv'nor!

We've got today, waiting for you to see if they're going to go free,

some marvellous performers. An illusionist called Guy Barrett,

-a group called Take Fat...

-Ooooh!

-And also some wonderful jugglers.

-Ooooh!

But right now, please welcome the first cab off the rank,

it's Millie and Tillie!

MUSIC: "The Charleston"

CHEERING

CHEERING

Ooooh!

CHEERING

'One more time!'

CHEERING

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, down the rope they come. Millie and Tillie!

Give them a big round of applause! Off to your cell.

Well, I thought that was marvellous. What do you think, Mr Burgess?

Right, Millie and Tillie. Up in the air. Miss?

I thought they were fantastic. I liked when they did the back flip.

-What did you think of them?

-It was the best thing I've ever seen.

-Will they go free?

-Definitely.

-Sir, what did you think?

-It was very wicked and very cool.

-Should they make it a bit longer?

-No.

-Was that just the right length?

-Yeah.

-You wouldn't like to see any more or any less?

-Yeah.

-Yes?

-Yeah.

-A bit less or a bit more?

-Less.

-A bit less?

-Yes.

-So no more than a bit less?

-Or just a bit more?

-You're confusing me.

Confusing you, sir? Not a bit of it!

I thought it would be the stuff you normally see,

but it was superb. They have a really good chance.

-One final word. Sum that act up.

-Marvellous.

I'm Detective Ron Zof. Have you seen a clown? Green hair, red nose?

-No.

-OK. I'm going to look over there.

I'm determined to find this guy.

Well, Millie and Tillie were good, but will they be going free?

You will decide. The next act up is an illusionist.

Will he go free? Let's see

after we enjoy the mystical magic of Guy Barrett!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Lost In Space"

LAUGHTER

GASPS AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Oh, yes!

We appreciated Guy Barrett there and the lovely Sarah.

But what did you think of them? Let's see. First dibs, Mr Burgess.

Guy Barrett, magic or just trickery, Miss?

Em, I think the act was spectacular,

especially when he was upside down and the lady appeared in the box.

-What did you think of Guy Barrett and Sarah?

-Amazing.

The best illusionist I've ever seen.

-Right, what about you, Miss?

-I think that they deserve 100%.

The bit I liked best was when the man was in the box

and his legs were the right way up, but his waist was upside down.

-What did you think?

-It was the best think I've ever seen in my life.

-Very good. Will they go free?

-I think so.

-Let's see one final word. Miss?

-Fabulous.

-Tell me, do you like custard?

-No.

-Like making people laugh?

-No.

Then you are not a clown!

That was the magic of Guy Barrett.

On now to the part of the Slammer

that we call Solitary Confinement!

A SCREAM

Yes, Solitary Confinement,

where we take those prisoners and leave them, the ones who are

too horrible to mix with the others. This is their one chance.

If they're good, at least they get a nice cell.

A lovely cell with comfy slippers and a nice view of the gasworks.

-Oooh!

-But...if they don't do well and they get a thumbs down,

it's back to their cell for a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess?

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

This week, sir, it's bursting the boil on Sweaty Trevor's bum, sir.

Eeeew!

All right. For this we need a judge from the audience. Spotted anybody?

-We need somebody.

-This young man here, sir.

-Give him a round of applause. Here he comes.

-Up on the stage.

-Milking the applause! How are you?

-Very fine.

-What's your name?

-Vinnie.

-Say again.

-Vinnie.

-Gimme five, Vinnie! Cool. ..Ow. Hurt my hand.

Right, Vinnie, you'll give the thumbs up or thumbs down

after we've seen today's act.

Today it's Holly and her yodelling chicken

who is performing from Solitary Confinement!

SHE YODELS... AND SO DOES THE CHICKEN

Give her a round of applause.

Now then, here's our judge. What do you think, Judge?

Remember, thumbs up and it's fun in the sun,

-thumbs down and it's Trevor's bum.

-LAUGHTER

You've got to decide. You've got five seconds.

Is it going to be up or down? It's up to you.

Ohh! It's thumbs down!

Well done, our judge. Give him a round of applause.

Don't forget your chicken! There we are.

She's gone back to Solitary Confinement. Oh...

SHE SOBS

-Pop!

-Eeeew!

That were bigger than a pimple. On to our next performer.

Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome five young men

who are really spreading. Please welcome...Take Fat!

Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Chocolate Orange, Blobby Williams,

Gary Lardo, Howard McDonald's and Mark Growing!

# Today this could be

# The greatest day of our lives

# Can you see it?

# Can you see it in my eyes?

# Can you feel it now?

# Can you hold it in your arms

# Tonight?

# Ohhh

# You are such a big star to me

# You're everything I wanna be

# But you're stuck in a hole

# And I want you to get out

# I don't know what there is to see

# But I know it's time for you to leave

# We're all just pushing along Trying to figure it out, out, out

# Only your anticipation pulls you down

# Cos you can have it all

# You can have it a-a-all

# So, come on, see the light On you face

# Let it shine Just let it shi-i-ine

# Let it shine

# You light

# The skies up above you

# A star

# So bright

# You blind me, yeah

# Don't close

# Your eyes

# Don't fade away

# Don't fade away

# Oooh

# Yeah, you and me We can ride on a star

# If you stay with me, girl

# We can rule the world! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, take them off. Give them a cheer - Take Fat!

Yeah! Hey!

-Mr Burgess, what do you think? Take Fat?

-Right, Take That or Take Fat?

-Take Fat.

-Take Fat.

Take That or Take An 'at?

I think they were... very fantastic.

And I'm definitely, definitely going to give them my vote.

-They'll get your vote today?

-Yes.

You had Gary Lardo, Jason Chocolate Orange,

Howard McDonald's, Mark Growing and Blobby Williams.

-Who's your favourite?

-Blobby Williams.

-Just like in real life.

So to sum up Take Fat

-in one final word...

-Amazing.

-You could be a clown. Do you like custard?

-Yes.

-Do you eat it?

-No.

-Would you throw it?

-Yes.

You could be a clown! I'm looking at you. With these eyes.

The ones in the back of my head!

Well, that's Take Fat. Will they go free? Who knows?

Only you, felon fans, can decide. One more performing prisoner to see.

Please welcome the fabulous Gandini Jugglers!

MUSIC: "Mas Que Nada" by Black-Eyed Peas

# Oaria raio

# Oba, oba, oba

# Mas que nada

# Black-Eyed Peas came to make it hotter

# We beat the party starters Bubblin' up just like lava

# Like lava Heated like a sauna

# Penetratin' thru your body armour Rhythmically we massage ya

# With hip hop mixed up with samba

# With samba, so yes, yes, y'all We never stop, we never rest y'all

# Keepin' it funky fresh y'all

# And we won't stop until we get y'all, get y'all sayin'

# Oaria raio

# Oba, oba, oba

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oaria raio

# Oba, oba, oba

# Peter Piper picked peppers but Tab rapped rhymes

# 1, 2, 3, 4, several times

# Heavy rotation played by every kind Radio stations blastin' every mind

# You know we never stop We never rest y'all

# Keepin' it funky fresh y'all

# We won't stop until we get y'all Until we get y'all

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oaria raio

# Oba, oba, oba

# Drop hot hot be my daily operation

# Got to put in work in this crazy occupation

# We took an old samba song and we remixed it

# Check it out

# Oaria raio

# Oba, oba, oba

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oaria raio

# Oba, oba, oba! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, well, there they are. Give them a big cheer!

-The Gandini Jugglers there!

-CHEERING

They were good, the jugglers, but were they good enough to get out?

-Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

-Well, the Gandini Jugglers.

-Did they juggle your boat, Miss?

-Brilliant and fantastic. 100%.

They did good tricks and they were very clever.

They WERE very clever. If we released them today, Miss,

-would they fit back into showbiz society?

-Yeah.

-What about this young lady here?

-I think it was very good.

They had lots of good tricks and it was cool when they light up.

-You didn't read that, did you?

-I did.

-But you read it very well.

-Do they deserve to go free?

-Yeah.

-One final word, Miss...

-Marvellous.

-Have you seen a clown?

-Yeah.

-What do clowns look like?

They've got big red roses here.

And... they're made out of plastic.

Elementary, my dear sir.

Well, criminal critics, there are your four acts.

Let's welcome them all back - Millie and Tillie! Guy Barrett!

Take Fat! And Gandini Jugglers! Keep that applause going for them!

They were all marvellous! Hello.

If you go round there... Oh, lovely.

Which of these wonderful acts will be going free from the Slammer?

They were all brilliant. You've got to decide now by making a noise

recorded on this fabulous clapometer. All the lights going.

The more noise, the higher the score. Who's it going to be?

The first act was the lovely Millie and Tillie!

Wow!

Well done, ladies. 89.3. That's a good score.

89.3. Well, it was a mystery with Guy Barrett.

He had a lady who appeared from nowhere. Guy Barrett with Sarah!

Come on!

80. You peaked at 80.

We'll have to lock you up in your cabinets again.

For the next act, we had to reinforce the stage. They were big.

Will they be big on the outside? It's Take Fat!

Wow!

Wow. 87.6.

That means still in the lead it's Millie and Tillie on 89.3.

Now then, let's hear it for Gandini Jugglers!

Oh! Oh!

You've gone in the lead! With a grand score of 91.7!

It's Gandini Jugglers! Set them free, Mr Burgess!

No time to say goodbye. You've got to go.

The rest are going back to their cells. What's for tea, Mr Burgess?

-A Scottish favourite - sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-That's not Scottish!

-It is if you drop an 'aggis in it!

-Take them to the cells!

Give them a round of applause!

Better luck next time. You were good, though. Very good.

Well, that's it from the Slammer this week.

We'll be back for more performing prisoner frolics soon.

Until then, if you can't sing, dance, or rhyme, don't do the crime!

Bye-bye, everybody! Bye-bye!

# We all know where you've been Inside the Slammer! #

-Good luck with the investigation.

-Have a nice day.

-I still don't know

how that clown got out.

Just a minute, Mr Zof. That's a lovely flower. Recognise it, sir?

Flower?

Oh! It's him!

-He's a raving lunatic, sir.

-Of course.

-Ron Zof - Fronzo. Anagram.

-Who's Anna Gram?

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