The Lost Laugh The Slammer

"Mum, thanks for the pickaxe,

"the change of clothes, the passport and the plane ticket.

"I've fashioned them together into a beautiful lamp.

"What a show we have this week!

"Although I've never seen the Governor so upset.

"It all started as he was rehearsing for this week's show."

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer

# We're going to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish off your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so welcome to the glamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# The Slammer, it's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

Come on. I go, "Who's the Governor?"

-You're the Governor.

-And then I say, "Boys and girls,

"some of the acts have been here so long,

"they make Girls Aloud look like some kind of equal-rights legislation!"

I'm not sure I get that, sir.

Girls Aloud, as in "not allowed".

You know, equal rights for women.

-I see, sir.

-What time's lunch?

-Forget it.

-Try this. "Who's The Governor?"

-You're The Governor.

And I go, "You're not going to

"believe some of the acts we've got tonight.

"They make Harry Hill look like Harry Slight Incline!"

Very witty, sir.

Is that paint yellow or beige?

This is a disaster. The audience on their way in...

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir?

-I'm going to

ask you a question and I want you to give me an honest answer.

-I want you to be frank, Frank.

-Yes, sir.

Am I still funny?

PHONE RINGS

Phone, sir.

Governor speaking. The dentist?

Oh, yeah, we'll be there right away. Yeah.

So, what's your answer...?

Mr Burgess?

Right, then, you lot. The Freedom Show isn't displaying enough eyes and teeth.

So, Dr Wentworth here will be ensuring that you all produce

the requisite showbiz sparkle by giving you a polish.

Isn't that right, Dr Wentworth?!

THEY LAUGH

Yes, absolutely.

-Sorry, sorry.

-Yes, quite.

-Now, are all the acts here for this week's Freedom Show? Petit Mal?

-Yes.

Chris Lynam?

-Emily Crow?

-Here.

-Lovely.

-And the Doktorovs?

-Here.

Right, over to you for a quick polish, sir!

OK. Yes, erm, could you come and, erm, come and sit on the, erm...?

Er, the, erm... The, erm...

I think you'll find it's a chair, sir.

Yes, yes, that's it.

Sorry. I've never worked in a prison before.

These are showbiz criminals, sir.

-There's absolutely nothing to worry about.

-Right. OK.

THEY LAUGH

It's all right. I'm fine, honestly.

I just need the... Oh! Oh!

Hey, what's happening?!

I haven't heard this much laughter since Barry Chuckle got that job

in a china factory!

SILENCE

I must remember to cut my nails this week.

That's it. I knew it! I've lost it!

I'm not funny anymore!

THEY LAUGH

Governor, sir, are you OK?

No, I'm not OK, Pete.

What sort of Governor am I if I can't even raise a titter?

I used to have funny bones.

Now I've just got bones. Somewhere.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Look at me. I've never been funny.

There's nothing remotely entertaining or amusing about my act. Look.

Now, then, Mr Squiggles, time for a song. "No."

Well, all the boys and girls want to hear you sing. "I can't."

Oh, why not? "Because I've been diagnosed with

"vocal fold nodules, a condition where a mass of tissue grows at the

"back of the mouth, making speech and swallowing painful."

That meant to reassure me?

Ho, ho, sir, you've got to come and see this dentist.

Honestly, sir, it's the funniest act I've seen in years.

I mean, the lad is a natural.

Everything he does is just hilarious.

Right, that's it! I've had enough! You, come with me.

-Get in there.

-Ah, what about the inmates' teeth, sir?

What about their showbiz sparkle?

If I can't get laughs,

then no two-bit dentist's going to get them.

So take your mirrors and your little pointy bits and your nutcrackers

and your laughing gas...

Hang on a minute. Your laughing gas.

Ooh!

So I said to my doctor, if that's cream cheese,

what's that under my armpits?!

THEY LAUGH

Thank you, thank you, you're too kind.

-What do you call a man with a rabbit stuck in his ear?

-I don't know.

Warren.

SILENCE

THEY LAUGH

-Thank you, thank you. So, how do I look?

-Divine, sir.

It's show time.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

to HMP Slammer, where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host.

He was a comedy master, today he's a...laughter disaster.

It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the Governor?

-You're the Governor!

Oh, jailers and jailbirds,

great to see you. What a week we've had.

My eyes have been going funny. I went to see

my optician and he said, "Had your eyes checked?"

I said, "No, they've always been blue!"

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

We've got some fantastic performing prisoners on the Freedom Show.

We've got a hair-raisingly funny guy called Chris Lynam.

ALL: Ooo!

We've got a very athletic and gymnastic young lady, only 12 years

-of age, called Emily Crow.

-ALL: Oooo!

And we've got the aerial aces that we call the Doktorovs.

ALL: Oooo!

But now, criminal critiques, let's start

the show with a really lively act.

They're marvellous, they do things with big, blue bouncy balls.

-They are Petit Mal!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, that's good.

You forgot your ball. Hey, hey!

They were good. We should have them in

the Slammer football team. We've got a team.

We play all our games at home.

We did play away, but nobody came back.

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

But what did you think of them? Over to you, Mr Burgess.

Right, Petit Mal, there.

Ball-bouncingly good, miss?

-Amazingly skilled.

-Yes?

I'd say it's star quality.

-Star quality?

-Yes.

-All right, I see.

Well, did Petit Mal do enough to go free from The Slammer?

That was so cool, because I could

never do that, and it looked so difficult.

I really loved that part when they rolled on two balls each and I liked

it most because it was bouncy and I think it was fabulous.

-What about you?

-Best act I've seen in my life.

-Certainly got my vote.

-The best act you've seen?

-How many acts have you seen in your life, miss?

-1,000.

1,000?

You've seen 1,000 acts, miss?

-Well, tell me what you thought of Petit Mal.

-I thought it was

very good because I liked the amazing acrobatics and the flips.

I'd like somebody to sum that act up

in one final word for me, and I'm going to this young lady here.

-Phenomenal.

-Phenomenal, sir.

Well, that's Petit Mal. They may be going free.

Three more freedom acts.

The next gentleman is a comedian. Here's a bit of comedy for you.

Jailors and jailbirds, what's that?

It's a dead one of them.

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

A dead one of them. Good, that, isn't it, eh?

Right, on to some real comedy, a very funny guy, please welcome

the hair-raising Chris Lynam!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There I was, minding my own business one day, waiting for a bus.

A bag floated down in front of me, beside me, behind me...

Why?!

Suddenly, due to neglect, the bag bit me on the ankle.

"Ouch," I screamed. I threw it to the ground and stamped on its head.

It stamped on mine!

You naughty, naughty bag! I was very angry.

But the bag had a taste for blood.

It bit me under the armpit. "Ouch," I screamed. I wrenched it out

and it went straight towards an unsuspecting warden, who, when he

-saw the bag coming towards him, screamed with fright.

-Agh.

-He screamed louder!

-Agh!

The bag attacked his hat and threw it out of The Slammer.

And then...nearly attacked his clothes.

I had the bag by the neck, boys and girls.

I bit it very hard.

The bag knew it was in trouble. It screamed out for reinforcements.

"Gaga gaga gaga gaga gaga." Bag language.

I knew I could be in trouble.

I ripped the bag limb from limb, and sure enough, in the Freedom Show

at The Slammer, the bag died. Ha!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Then suddenly, on the horizon

appeared reinforcements bigger and more dangerous than the bag before.

The people screamed in terror.

SCREAMING

And then ran home.

The bag started to attack people willy-nilly. First, another warden.

Boosh! It chased the warden around the house.

Right around the house. It attacked two wardens.

This was a very naughty bag.

I had it by the neck and I bit it very hard.

And the bag bled.

Blood poured out the bag.

And the blood turned into art.

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, well, I don't think he'll be booked for the Royal Variety

Performance, but did you enjoy him?

Let's go to Mr Burgess and see what he thinks.

-Chris Lynam, raving maniac or comedy genius?

-Comedy genius.

-Really, miss?

-Yeah.

-Why?

Because he's really crazy and sometimes he just does

silly things for fun.

And how would you describe that act?

-Um, weird, because his hair just was really wacky.

-Right, miss?

I thought it was really hilarious.

-And really funny.

-So you think he's done enough to be released back into

the entertainment community, do you?

-No.

-No? Shut up!

You think we should keep him in?

-Yeah.

-Did he make you laugh?

Yeah. Mostly. Mostly.

Um, my favourite part of it was probably

where he tried to slide down the banister but he kind of tripped.

What about you, miss? One final word.

-Electrical.

-Electrical, sir!

Very good, miss!

Well, Chris Lynam could be going free. Who knows?

It's time now for that special act called Solitary Confinement.

Solitary Confinement, where we give the chance for one performing

prisoner, or a few of them, to come out here and see

if they can earn something nice.

The crimes they have done are so awful,

but if they do well and get the thumbs up from you,

they get something nice. They go to a nice cell.

With a toilet that flushes!

Yes! But if they don't do well and get the thumbs down, they go

back to their cell for a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess?

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's an hour in a vat

-with a rat, a cat and Take That!

-Ooh, fancy that!

We need a judge. So, Mr Burgess, have you got somebody here?

What about you, madam?

Give her a round of applause, please. Up you come.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Now, then. What's your name?

-Elise.

Elise, it's time for today's

Solitary Confinement act. Here we go!

Hello, giants and giantesses.

My name is Michael Chinnigan,

Britain's second smallest singer, after James Blunt.

I promised you all-round entertainment, and so I'm

going to do an impression for you.

It's a cat.

Seen from behind.

It's time to finish with a song.

This is a little song that I wrote all about myself. Cue the music!

# It's a world of laughter, a world of fun

# When you're just as high as a pixie's bum

# When I fancy a drink, I go swimming in the sink

It's a small world after all

# It's a small world after all

# All of you are far too tall

# If you trip you've got further to fall

# It's a small, small world. #

Thank you. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Marvellous. Michael Chinnigan. Well, very unusual.

It's up to Elise to decide. Thumbs up, and they're comfortably sat,

thumbs down, and it's Take That

and the rat.

You've got five seconds to decide.

Thumbs up? Or thumbs down? What's it going to be?

Yes! Thumbs up!

Nice, comfy cell with a flushing toilet.

There we are, give them a round of applause,

and as well, to our special judge - didn't she do well?

Give her a round of applause! Marvellous!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, now it's time for our next performing prisoner.

Jailors and jailbirds, you know this performing prisoner, she's only 12.

Will you please welcome, from our Junior Section

of The Slammer, and hoping to go free, it's Emily Crow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Emily Crow. Emily Crow, and she's just 12 years of age, 12 years.

Yeah. I've got string vests that are older than that.

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

Well, did you think she did enough to go free?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Well, Emily Crow, in on remand.

She's a good kid, keeps her nose clean. What was she like for you?

-Best act so far.

-You think she should go free right now?

-Yes.

-Yes?

-Do you think you could do what Emily Crow does?

-Never.

No. Did you like her act?

-Yeah, I'll give her my vote, definitely.

-Yes? That's very kind.

Sir, what about a man's perspective on this?

Well, she was very stretchy

and I liked it when she, like, was a crab, in a way.

Like, she went into a big arch and started walking around.

-I see. Would you like to see more acts that feature crabs?

-Yeah.

Knock, knock...

-Who's there?

-Little old lady.

-Little old lady who?

-I didn't know you could yodel!

And for one final word, to sum up, Emily Crow?

-Flexalianterrasumous(?).

-Flexalianterrasumous, sir!

Mm. What a mouthful.

Onto our final performing prisoners.

Well, what an aerial, acrobatic team they make.

We're so worried about them going over the wall,

we've had to give them a chance at freedom.

Will you please welcome - all the way from Cell D, and Russia,

-originally - it's The Doktorovs!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Doktorovs. Were they just what the doctor ordered?

Let's find out, with Mr Bergerov.

Well, Doktorovs, or Doctor No?

Erm, Doktorovs.

-They were really, really good.

-How good?

Very. They've got my vote.

What about this lady here?

It was absolutely amazing.

And it was superb and spectacular.

-What about you, sir?

-Absolutely flabbergasting.

Erm... Completely supreme, and they must be

-really trusting to each other.

-Did you like The Doktorovs?

-Yes, very much.

-Describe their act.

Well, I thought it was really scary, because I thought they were

going to fall, but they didn't.

It was like they were connected, because they didn't fall at all.

Now, then, young sir. One final word.

Sum that act up for me.

Spectactical.

Spectactical? LAUGHTER

It's a word, I suppose, sir. Spectactical, sir!

Four fabulous performing prisoner acts all hoping to go free.

Only one of them can. Let's welcome them back onto the stage!

Here they come. Petit Mal, Chris Lynam, Emily Crow and The Doktorovs!

Give them a big cheer!

But only one act can go clear.

It will be decided by this.

Gimbert's patented clap-o-meter machine.

The more noise you make, the more you clap and cheer,

then the higher the score.

The higher score, it's quite simple, a bit like Gimbert, goes free.

Who will it be? Well, the first act that you saw was very unusual.

Did they do enough? Let's hear it, please, for Petit Mal!

-CHEERING

-Oh! Oh!

Wow! A good score from them. 84.5. That's a good benchmark.

Let's see what happens as we welcome the comic zaniness of a unique act.

Did he do enough? You seemed to like him.

-Please give it up for Chris Lynam!

-CHEERING

Oh! Oh! Oh, it's... I think...

-I want my mummy!

-He wants his mummy.

He's got Mr Burgess. He gets 84.5.

Wow, that's another close score.

Look at that. It's very, very close at the moment.

In fact, I think it's almost level for Chris Lynam.

Well, the third act, she was only 12 years of age, all the way from

the Highlands of Scotland. Will she be taking the highroad tonight?

Well, let's find out, as you show your appreciation,

jailers and jailbirds, for Emily Crow!

CHEERING

91 points. She goes into the lead. Whoa! Yes!

Well, there's only one more act now.

It's very tense. Yes. Could they do it?

They came all the way from Moscow. Will they be saying "must go"?

-The Doktorovs!

-CHEERING

Not quite. 87.5. They didn't quite do it.

That means with a score of 91, going free, it's Emily Crow!

CHEERING

Emily, you're free to go.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, I'm afraid for the rest of you,

that means you're going back to your cells. But the good news is

that you're in time for tea. Let's hope we've got something nice.

Mr Burgess, what's for tea tonight?

Chinese takeaway tonight, sir.

It's a 14, a 6 and a 27.

-Ooh, what are they?

-A sloppy, a ploppy and a porridge, sir.

-Get out of it! Go on, take them back to their cells.

-Right, you lot!

Give them a big cheer and a round of applause, boys and girls.

Off they go. Well, they're going to have their sloppy, ploppy porridge.

I hope you have something nice for tea, but remember here in

the Slammer, one thing we say -

if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

Don't do the time!

Right, everybody, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, I says to Her Majesty, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't

"have eaten that cabbage!"

Hang on a minute...

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I haven't done it yet.

Oh, I just got it. Girls Aloud!

-Frank.

-Ha...