Good, Isn't It? The Slammer

"Dear Mum. Thanks for washing Charlie. Not sure about the ribbons."

-I hate that woman!

-Shh, Charlie!

-Oh!

"We had some great acts on the Freedom Show today.

"The acts were on fire!

"The audience were amazed and some people got a bit carried away."

I'm going in, Frank!

"We even had Marvellous Marvin. Yes, Mum. THE Marvellous Marvin.

Although, his act wasn't quite what we expected.

You can say that again!

-Although his act wasn't quite...

-Not literally, you drongo!

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-We need one more act for today's Freedom Show.

-I have a list here.

Stand still! Here. Give.

James Freedman, Sir. The amazing showbiz pickpocket! On your way, lad.

Very good. Although I can't condone it.

We've also got Pyromantic, the aerial fire act

-and A Cherry On Top!

-GIRLS: Wooo!

-Oooh, that looks good.

-Sir.

Sir! May I remind you of your position in this prison?

You mean this one...

No, Sir. I mean the position of governor.

-You cannot be seen can-canning with prisoners, Sir.

-Quite right, Frank.

Although that does look good.

DOOR BELL RINGS Gimbert, go and see who it is.

If it's that old woman selling lucky heather again,

you can tell her from me,

-I'll have five bunches. You can never have too much lucky heather!

-Quite.

So, who are we going to have for today's Freedom Show act?

I can't believe it...

Marvellous Marvin here, in The Slammer!

Wait 'til Gov finds out!

You're a fan, are you?

Am I? Oh, yeah, I am.

Is it true that anyone who doesn't like your act

-knows nothing about showbiz?

-100% true as the nose on your face!

As mustard! Like sunshine!

-Sunshine.

-But what is your act?

Ah, that would be telling, wouldn't it? Tell you what,

come along and see the show. Bring your mother! Smashing!

Frank, there must be someone good enough for today's Freedom Show.

You...could always let Mr Methane have another go, Sir.

Just a joke...

Gentlemen!

Your troubles are over!

Who are you?

Marvellous Marvin! You may have heard of me.

-Yes.

-No.

-Of course we have! Marvellous Marvin.

The man with the greatest act the world has ever seen!

Here, in The Slammer!

But what brings you here, Marv?

Let's just say I had a bit of bother

while performing for the Prime Minister.

Nothing to worry about - he loved it!

Besides, it seem to have brought me here at precisely the right moment.

-I believe you're looking for a new act.

-Oh, yes, we are!

Just imagine it - Marvellous Marvin, here in the Freedom Show!

I can't believe our luck! He's the greatest act the world's ever seen.

Is he really, Sir? What does he do, exactly?

Well...eh...he...

Woooo!

MAKES HORN SOUND

Eh...tell him, Gimbert!

I don't know exactly.

But I've heard it's the greatest act the world's ever seen!

If you've both heard that he's good, then he must be.

I am good. In fact, I'm great.

I'm...marvellous!

What's more, it's a well known fact that anybody who doesn't like my act

knows absolutely nothing about showbiz.

So I expect YOU won't like it. Whereas, the Governor,

who knows everything there is to know about showbiz, will love it!

Marv, you're in. Go and get ready for today's Freedom Show.

-Give him a hand. You can share Peter Nokio's cell.

-Ta-ta, fellas.

Oh, what a nice man.

I don't like him, Sir.

Doesn't surprise me, Frank. After all, you know nothing about showbiz.

I on the other hand, can't wait to see

the greatest act the world has ever seen!

I wonder what it is.

CROWD: MARVIN, MARVIN!

SHUT UP!

I'm telling you, I don't know what his act is.

You share a cell, you must have seen him practising?

No, I can never catch him. See for yourselves!

See?

Hello!

Everybody ready to see...

ALL: ..the greatest act the world has ever seen?

-Follow me, then!

-Brilliant!

I haven't been this excited since the bakery's doughnut sale!

Blimey, you really are excited!

-Mr Burgess.

-Sir.

-How do I look?

-Divine, Sir.

-Very well, let's get on with it!

It's showtime!

Oh, yes!

'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now, please welcome your host,

'he's the greatest governor the world has ever seen...

'It's The Governor!'

APPLAUSE

WHO'S THE GOVERNOR?

AUDIENCE: YOU ARE!

Well, it is The Slammer, it's the Freedom Show.

It's your chance to decide who goes free

from all the performing prisoner acts.

We've got some great acts.

We've got a sensational dance act called A Cherry On Top!

A pickpocket act by the name of James Freedman.

And an act known as the greatest act the world has ever seen,

Marvellous Marvin!

Here's an act to get you warmed up.

They're the hottest act in The Slammer, the hottest act in town.

Pyromantics!

APPLAUSE

Give us your cheers, ladies and gentlemen, for Pyromantic!

Oh, sensational!

But were they hot stuff, or just a bit of a damp squib?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess!

Pyromantic, there. Was it red hot for you, Miss?

Em...It was amazing.

Because that lady didn't set fire to the ropes when she did that flip.

Would have been a disaster if she'd set fire to the ropes, wouldn't it?

-Yes.

-What was the best bit about the whole act?

Her flying in the air upside down. I thought that was amazing.

-You don't see that everyday, do you?

-No.

Let's get a man's perspective.

I thought it was magnificent.

They're going to get my vote. No-one can beat them. So...

hot stuff. Hot stuff, guys!

This young man here. What did you think?

-I think that was a really good act.

-Yes?

-Yeah.

-Would you do that?

-No!

In one final word, sum that act up for me, Sir.

-Outstanding.

-Outstanding, Sir!

Seriously, folks. You're only going to spoil it for yourselves.

Now trust me, I am worth waiting for.

For the next act, we're going to France. Oui, oui!

No, I don't want a wee-wee, that's what they say in France!

Please, show your appreciation for A Cherry On Top!

Oh, that looks good!

Gov... No, come here.

-I'm going in, Frank!

-Gov!

-Frank, I want to go on!

-I think you've had enough.

Ladies and gentlemen, give the ladies a round of applause!

Give them a big hand there, ladies and gentlemen!

What do you think of A Cherry On Top?

Right. A Cherry On Top, there.

Can-can or can't-can't, Miss?

It was great. The fact it was different made it stand out.

They've already won in my eyes. Go, girls!

What about you? Did you enjoy it and how would you describe that act?

I enjoyed it very well and it was unique.

It was unique. Don't you think it was good

when the big fella in the white suit joined in?

-Yeah, but I think that fella needed a bit more practice.

-Oh, cheek!

-What about you?

-They should be proud because the act is so different.

It impressed me and my friends. I bet the boys loved it.

BOYS: Oooh!

All right, keep it down.

-Don't you think I was born to be a dancer?

-Yes.

-Do you think the girls would sign me up to their troupe?

-They should.

Have they done enough to be released from The Slammer?

-Yeah. So far they're my favourite.

-Yes.

For the final word, sum that act up for me.

-Awesome!

-Awesome, Sir.

That's A Cherry On Top. They could be dancing away from The Slammer.

Now, it's time for the part of The Slammer that we call

Solitary Confinement!

Ooh. Oh, yes.

These are the acts whose show business crimes are so awful,

we have to keep them away from the rest of the performers.

We give them a chance to perform. They don't go free,

but if they do well, they have something nice.

Today, if they do well,

we put them in the cell with a nice pair of comfy slippers.

But if they don't, they go back to their cell

-for a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess!

-Sir!

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today's, Sir, is being slapped with a kipper until they're sick, Sir.

-Well, we need a judge, as ever. So, Mr Burgess.

-Sir.

Could you select a judge from the audience?

You, Madam! Come this way.

Give her a round of applause!

-What's your name?

-Amy.

Judge Amy. Have you got a thumb? I'd like to see your thumb.

That's all you need for now, because it's time for today's act from

Solitary Confinement!

Hello, everyone.

ALL: Hello.

Put your hands up if you'd like to take part in this act.

You, young man. Come and take a seat on my stool.

Make yourself comfortable on there. Thank you very much.

Anyone else? That young lady, there.

Come up on stage and make yourself comfortable on my stool.

As usual, we start with the ladies.

Just stay there.

OK, we're finished. So, young lady. Come and stand here for me, please.

Young man, come and take your position here.

And here are your drawings.

Have you seen them, Amy? Have you had a look at them?

Turn around there for a moment.

Thumbs up - it's a comfy cell and a slipper.

Thumbs down - it's a load of sick and a kipper!

Are you ready for this, Amy? Hold that thumb up.

You've got five seconds to decide - what's it going to be? Here we go.

It's thumbs up, hooray! Off he goes with a nice pair of slippers.

Give these youngsters a nice round of applause. Off you go, kids.

Great stuff and well done to Amy, the judge!

Still to come we've got the greatest act the world has ever seen.

He's tremendous.

But now, we've got an act that's a pickpocket. So he's in The Slammer.

He's absolutely sensational. Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome

James Freedman!

APPLAUSE

-Hello!

-AUDIENCE: Hello.

-It's great to be here.

My name's James and I'm a pickpocket.

But don't worry, I'm one of the good ones, I give it all back.

I thought I'd give you a lesson on why you should avoid pickpockets.

-The young man in a yellow t-shirt. What's your name?

-Yacov.

-And we haven't met before?

-No.

-Nice to meet you.

Join me on stage. Give Yacov a big hand.

Thank you for helping me. Stand just there. Perfect.

We also need a security consultant, who knows about keeping things safe.

Mr Gimbert, would you help me? Let's hear it for Mr Gimbert!

It'll be difficult to take something because your pockets are buttoned.

-Do you carry anything in your trouser pockets?

-My keys.

He's got his keys... They're attached, that's difficult.

Anything in your trouser pocket on this side?

I don't know, my mum packs my pockets.

-Are you wearing a watch?

-Yes.

I could try for things one at a time

because you're wearing a watch and the keys are attached to a chain.

-What time is it?

-It's, um...

Well, I've got your watch. It must have just slipped off

and came into my hand. Thank you very much!

I could take Mr Gimbert's watch because I could see it.

That's the way pickpockets on the street work.

They see it and then take it.

They've got some cunning ways to find out what's in your pockets.

Mr Gimbert, stand in the middle and face me.

I'll show you some of their secrets. They wait until you're in a shop

and take out your wallet. Have you got a wallet?

-I do. There's no money in it.

-Why's that?

-My uncle looks after all my money.

-Your uncle's got all your money!

When you open your wallet, as you put it away in your inside pocket,

a lookout with a bright white handkerchief dabs his forehead

and puts it in the same pocket as a signal.

So the pickpocket - that's you, Yacov - knows which pocket it's in.

What do you carry in your outside jacket pocket?

Oh, these are your handcuffs, that's going to be difficult.

And on this side? Don't remember?

This is a card. OK.

I could undo these pockets but I'd have to distract you in some way.

Maybe I could distract him while looking at his tie.

Oh, that's a nice tie.

It's got a bit of a thread there, let me just catch that for you.

That's it. I think I've got... Oh, hello. Wait a minute.

I think that's better now.

While I was distracting you, I could bump into you and undo your pockets.

Do you remember what you have here? You've got a pen. And on this side?

-This is a notepad.

-A notepad.

-Down here you had your card?

-Yes.

-And on this side, may I see?

-Of course.

Just a packet of tissues. I won't take those.

I'm going to try to take things one at a time.

Do you want me to take the wallet from your inside pocket?

That's difficult. They keys are attached so don't say those.

Do you want the pen or the notepad? Or something from another pocket?

-Oh, a pen?

-No, I've just been distracting you

while the world's greatest pickpocket was standing behind you!

Let's hear it for Yacov! You did very well. You got everything.

Let's take your hat and we'll give it all back. He's got your tissues,

from your outside jacket pocket. Your notepad - from the top pocket.

Your wallet- from the inside pocket.

Your pen - from the other side.

I don't know how he got your handcuffs! And...

-your card. But you've still got your watch?

-Yes.

-Your watch reminds you you have to watch out.

-Very good.

No. Watch out means I've got your watch...

and I'm going to get out - I've got the keys!

I have a question to ask you.

-There's no-one standing behind you who could have taken anything?

-No.

Turn round. There's no-one who could've stolen anything?

-No.

-I'm going to take something else from you.

When you came up here, Mr Gimbert, weren't you wearing a tie?

-Yes it's.... Oh.

-No, he's got your tie over here.

You've got to watch him.

I'll button up this pocket just here.

On the outside.

I'll button up this one too.

-All your valuables, Mr Gimbert, are right over there.

-OK.

So it's impossible for me to take something else out of the hat

-while I'm standing this far apart?

-Yes, absolutely.

-Unless I take something you're wearing?

-Yes.

-Do you wear a belt?

-No, I wear braces.

-And do they look a bit like this?

-Oh, dear!

-LAUGHTER

-You hold onto those, I'll take this!

Let's hear it for my friend, Yacov! You can go back to your seat.

Off you go, back to your cell.

A big round of applause for James Freedman!

Will he be a freed man?

Let's find out. What did you all think?

Right, James Freedman. Entertaining or just a common criminal, Miss?

Wonderful. It was outstanding when he took off his shirt. Really funny.

-Was that the highlight for you?

-Yes.

-Anything he could do to improve the act?

-No.

-No?

-It was perfect.

-Would you tell me about that pickpocket act?

-It was really good

because he did it without him noticing.

-Yeah.

-He distracted him and he just got them when he didn't know.

And for one final word, Sir.

-Extreme!

-Extreme, Sir!

There you go.

Well, I really am excited now, folks because we have in The Slammer,

quite simply, an act described as...

the greatest act the world has ever seen!

So let's start chanting out for Marvin, Marvin!

-Oh, good luck!

-I've got the greatest act the world has ever seen.

I don't need luck.

Marvin, Marvin!

The greatest act the world has ever seen!

Marvellous Marvin!

APPLAUSE

'It's rubbish, that.

'I hate it.

'Huh! Does this mean I know nothing about showbiz?'

AUDIENCE: Boo!

'He's brilliant.'

Get him off, get him off, get him off!

I quite agree, get him off!

What did you think of that? Oh, dear.

Do you agree that act is absolutely criminal?

-I hated it, man!

-Good man, stand up!

I want you to face that entertainment criminal and tell him.

I hate you and you should get out of here and back into your cell!

LAUGHTER Well spoken, well done, Sir.

-Did you think that was the greatest act the world has ever seen?

-No.

-Thank you.

-It was despicable and silly

and he needs a much, much, much, much, much, much, better act.

How many muchs in there?

-One, two, three... Six.

-Six muches! Oh, that's a lot of muches.

One final word, Sir. Can you sum that act up in one word, Sir?

-Disgusting.

-Disgusting!

Well, my little performing prisoner appreciators,

it's time for the Clap-o-meter.

It's time to decide who is going to go free.

Let's welcome back all the acts we've seen tonight

on the Freedom Show!

We have Pyromantic,

A Cherry On Top,

James Freedman

and Marvellous Marvin! Here they are.

Give them all a round of applause.

Hello, folks.

Well, the first act we saw certainly lit up The Slammer.

Will they do enough to go free?

Let's find out as you show your appreciation for Pyromantic!

APPLAUSE

Wow, great score. 86.9! That's good.

Right, the second act was marvellous, I joined in briefly,

but don't let that affect your score.

Please show your applause and appreciation for

A Cherry On The Top!

APPLAUSE

Oh, good.

Oh, ladies, I think you're in second place.

That means you're staying for supper tonight.

82.3. Right, the next act picked a pocket or two.

Ladies and gentlemen, James Freedman!

APPLAUSE

Wow! Look at that!

90.6! That means James Freedman's in the lead!

One more act to see.

This final performing prisoner was sold to me

as the greatest act the world has ever seen.

He was Marvellous Marvin!

AUDIENCE: Boo!

55.2. One of the lowest scores we've ever had on The Slammer.

Just as well, for one of the lowest points we've ever reached.

It means though, that the great exciting news

is that going free with a score of 90.6,

is the pickpocketing genius of James Freedman!

Free to go! He's free. He's a free man!

Disappointment for the others but they were all brilliant acts.

The good news is it's tea time. Mr Burgess, what's for tea?

-It's a hot and cold running buffet tonight, Sir.

-Really?

-Yes. Hot sloppy-ploppy porridge or cold sloppy-ploppy porridge.

-Go on.

-Right you are, Sir. This way!

-Give them all a big cheer!

Give them a big round of applause, including Marvellous Marvin!

Well, jailers and jailbirds, remember...

if you don't clap, cheer and yell,

you're back in your cell! Here on The Slammer!

See you soon, folks! Bye, everybody!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

I can't believe I was so stupid.

The greatest act the world has ever seen...

I've not been this angry

-since the bakery cancelled that doughnut sale!

-Blimey!

-You really are angry!

-I hate to say I told you so...

Then don't!

Not to worry, I've learned me lesson.

There's no way I'm going to be made to look a fool again.