Walkies The Slammer

"Dear Mum. Thanks for your last letter and I really like the stamp.

"This week's Freedom Show was the most exciting yet. Stupendous acts.

"And stupid acts.

"And an act that went with a bang.

"It all started when a new inmate checked into The Slammer."

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

No, sir, I don't know how the prisoner escaped.

Yes, sir, I know it means we've lost an act for today's Freedom Show.

DISTANT VOICE SHOUTS

Yes, but we've still got Planet Jumprope.

And Woody the one-man band.

And Vampire Ascendants.

Plus, I've got my very best warden on the case, sir. Yes, and you, sir.

-Any luck, Gimbert?

-Actually, yes, Uncle.

I've found a fiver!

New inmate to sign in. This is Britney Spaniel, sir.

World-famous dog trainer. And that must be Dynamo, the poodle of peril.

The things you've taught that dog are astonishing.

-How can it speak seven languages?

-How does it stay on that motorbike?

-I always like it when it plays the tuba.

-Very nice to meet you.

-WHISTLE

-Sit!

Good boy. Now, come on, beg.

Beg!

Good boy! Who's a clever boy? That's better.

-Actually, Mrs Spaniel, I'll need to take all your belongings.

-Bad boy!

No treat for you.

Now, I hear there's a spare place in today's Freedom Show.

Ah, yes, well, there is an official protocol for that.

-WHISTLE

-Play dead.

Good boy. So, it's settled then, Governor?

I'll take the last place in the Freedom Show?

Yes, boy? Yes?

-Yes?

-Yes! Yes!

-Good boy!

-Er, Miss Spaniel.

-What, Peter?

I am trying to get ready for the show!

Well, I was wondering... We were wondering, can I get my bunk back?

-SHE GASPS

-You don't expect Dynamo to...

..sleep on the floor? He is a professional poodle of peril!

Yeah, well, it's not fair. He's got my bunk, he's got my clothes,

-he's got my mobile phone.

-Yes.

-PHONE RINGS

Oh, poor Dynamo. All that sleeping. You must be hungry.

Munchies time! Munchies!

Hey, that's my lunch!

-Are you about to go on stage to perform?

-No, thanks to you.

Dynamo needs his strength.

He's going to be performing his greatest stunt yet!

-The doggy cannonball.

-Yeah, well, never mind about all that.

-What am I supposed to eat?

-Minced liver and bone meal?

It will give you strong teeth and vitality. Open wide.

-Ohh!

-There you go. One more. Good boy.

She's rude, she's bossy and she made me eat dog food.

-Oh, that's awful.

-You're right. 85 percent offal.

BOTH: I thank you!

She's virtually taken over The Slammer, sir.

There's dog hairs in the shower, most of F wing is out on morning walkies

and in the canteen, they eat out of bowls on the floor.

On the up side, she has managed to train Gimbert.

Sorry, can't stop. She wants me to fetch her slippers

and she'll punish me if I'm late.

This is too much.

We can't let Britney Spaniel appear on the Freedom Show.

She'll have half the audience sniffing their own bottoms!

We've got to find a way to stop her walking all over us.

Walking I said, not walkies. Out.

Not in here! Go! Out, out, out!

The audience are coming in. You sure this plan will work, Peter?

-I think so.

-If we can get rid of Spaniel,

Jonathan and Emma have agreed to be the final act in the Freedom Show.

-BOTH: Hello!

-Let's just hope that you and Gimbert can pull it off.

-Now, how do I look?

-Grrreat!

-Thank you very much.

In that case, it's show time!

THEY HOWL

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

'Now please welcome your host, he's the top dog round here,

so bark and cheer for the Governor!

HOWLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the Governor?

-ALL: You are the Governor!

Oh, yeah! What great jailors and jailbirds we've got

and what a great Freedom Show we've got for you.

Yes, we've got some marvellous acts. We've got Planet Jumprope!

-ALL: Whooo!

-We've got Woody the one-man band.

-ALL: Whooo!

-A fantastic act called Dynamo the doggy cannonball.

ALL: Whooo!

Onto our first performing prisoner act.

It's Vampire Ascendants!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Resistance" by Muse

# If we live our life in fear

# I'll wait a thousand years

# Just to see you smile again

# Kill the prayers for love and peace

# You'll wake the thought police

# We can hide the truth inside

-# It could be wrong, could be wrong

-# But it shouldn't be right

-# It could be wrong, could be wrong

-# To let our hearts ignite

-# It could be wrong, could be wrong

-# Are we digging a hole?

-# It could be wrong, could be wrong

-# This is out of control

-# It could be wrong, could be wrong

-# It can never last

-# It could be wrong, could be wrong

-# Must erase it fast

-# It could be wrong, could be wrong

-# But it could've been right

-# It could be wrong, could be

-# Love is our...

# Hold me

# Our lips must always be sealed

# The night has reached its end

# We can't pretend

# We must run

# Take us away from here

# Protect us from further harm

# Resistance

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down! Come down, naughty.

Naughty vampires! I don't like it when they do that.

Trying to escape. They can't until you let them go in the Freedom Show.

Well, Vampire Ascendants.

-Miss?

-I think it was really scary but exciting.

Cos when they vampire jumped off of there,

I thought my heart was going to explode cos it looks really scary.

-Did you like the Vampire Ascendants?

-Yes.

-What did you think?

It was amazing. I liked all the acrobats. It was like Twilight.

-Twilight? What's that?

-It's a movie.

And for one final word, sir, sum that act up for me.

-Fliptastic.

-Fliptastic.

Right, final rehearsal, Dynamo.

The world's first doggy cannonball!

Just a teeny amount of gunpowder.

DOG WHINES

-Er, Miss Spaniel.

-What is it, Peter?!

-Do you need de-worming?

-No, Officer Gimbert needs to see you urgently.

What does he want? He should be asleep in his basket!

Whoa! I'll show you, Spaniel spanner!

Making me eat dog food and Gimbert act like a weirdo!

Yeah! Come on, little Dynamo, you're going to be a blast!

Oh! You are cheeky, Mr...Cheeky.

Please give a big hand to Planet Jumprope!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DANCE MUSIC

ALL: Whooo!

# Television

DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES

AUDIENCE CLAP

AUDIENCE WHOOP

AUDIENCE CHEER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give them a big cheer there! Marvellous! Well, Planet Jumprope.

Will they be jumping out of The Slammer? Let's find out.

Right then, sir. Skip To My Lou or pile of poo?

It was very cool and I loved the costumes and crazy music.

-How crazy was the music?

-Very crazy.

-Crazy enough for you?

-Just about.

-You don't want it too much more crazy than that.

-Too crazy.

-It would be too crazy or it is too crazy?

-Would be.

-It would be too crazy, wouldn't it?

-Young man, tell us all about it.

When I heard the name, I thought it was going to be not that good,

but they've proved that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover,

-cos it was excellent.

-You think they're going free?

-Yeah.

-Good man.

Are you related to Ray Winstone at all?

-Definitely.

-Yeah, I thought you were.

-Sum that act up, sir, in one word.

-Erm, weird.

-Weird, sir.

-There they are, Planet Jumprope. Three, six, nine...

There you are. I'm extremely busy getting ready for the Freedom Show.

-What is it?

-The Freedom Show? It's a big performance the Governor puts on

-with loads of acts and...

-No! I mean what did you want to see me about?

Oh, yes. I mean, no. Yes. No.

Yes. No.

-No idea, sorry.

-SHE SIGHS

Right now, it's time for Solitary Confinement!

Oh, yes! One performing prisoner, maybe more,

whose crimes against showbiz were so bad we have to keep them away from

all the other prisoners in The Slammer. If they do well,

we give them a treat. Today, if they do well,

we're going to give them a trip to the shop.

If they don't do well, it's back to their cell for a cruel punishment!

-Mr Burgess!

-Sir?

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being pumped full of popcorn

while plugging in a hairdryer, sir.

All right, that is cruel and unusual, so we need a judge.

-Who could be the judge? Mr Burgess.

-What about you, sir?

-Up you go.

-Give him a round of applause!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What's your name?

-Miles.

-All right then, Miles, it's up to you

as we go for today's Solitary Confinement!

Come on, Miles.

# Somewhere over the rainbow

HE HUMS AS IF HE'S FORGOTTEN LYRICS

# Some...

# Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time

# Having...

# Stop me now

# Hmm... ball

# Don't stop me now

# Don't stop me... now

# Ohh

# Racing car

# Flying

HE HUMS

# Lady Godiva

# Oh, oh, oh

# Explode

# Hm, tonight

HE HUMS

# Supersonic man out of you

There we are. Thank you, Simon.

Give him a round of something.

Now's the moment of decision. You are deciding.

All in your thumb is what's going to happen to that man. Thumbs up,

he's off to the shop. Thumbs down and it's pop-pop-pop-pop-pop.

What about that thumb? The thumb of destiny, sideways.

Five seconds, up or down? What's it to be?

It's up, it's up, down! Oh!

Back to the cell with you, Medley.

Give him a round of something and a big hand for Miles.

-Good lad! Yeah! Off you go!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There he goes. Wait a minute. There it is.

Ooooh. WHIRRING AND POPPING

-EXPLOSION

-Ooh, dear, nasty.

On now to our next performing prisoner. Well, he's marvellous.

He encapsulates lots of different sounds into just one arena.

It's Woody and his one-man band!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes

# She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes, yee-hah

# Singing aye-aye-yippee-yippee-aye

# Singing aye-aye-yippee-yippee-aye

# Singing aye-aye-yippee, aye-aye-yippee

# Aye-aye-yippee-yippee-aye

HE PLAYS HARMONICA

HE BLOWS HORNS

HE BLOWS COMEDY WHISTLE

TEMPO CHANGES

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're going to spend your time

# With every kind of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit so they will be released

# So bring on the audience and welcome to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you're going to leave The Slammer

HE PLAYS KAZOO Thank you very much!

There we are! Go on, then. Whoa!

Off he goes. Off he goes. Woody. Ohh!

Let's find out what you thought of that unusual act.

Well, Woody the one-man band there. But was he Woody or was he wooden?

-I thought he was marvellous.

-Why?

I just like the idea of a one-man band.

-Did you like the songs?

-A bit, yeah.

-Was there a favourite one there?

-Erm, Coming Round The Mountain.

Did you like Woody and what was the best bit?

-I did like it.

-Yes.

-And I like it when that thing came off his hat.

-LAUGHTER

-Ooh, it looks like Gimbert.

-What about you, Miss?

-I really enjoyed it.

I wanted to get up and start dancing and singing with him.

-Would you like to do it now?

-Yes.

Can we have a bit of music, Mr Woody? Thank you.

-Do you want to sing?

-Oh, yeah!

-Take my mic.

# Have some fun, don't sit down

# Always get up and dance

# If you can't think of anything just do what you want

# Because this is time to enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

# Don't sit down

# And enjoy yourself a bit more

# Now I'm on stage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hold on. Hold on a minute.

Just a minute.

That's got to be a crime against entertainment. Solitary confinement!

LAUGHTER Let's get you in here. Wait there.

This is getting to be a habit.

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir?

-Have you booked her for next week's show?

-Absolutely, sir.

-Very good. Give her a round of applause.

-We'll keep her in there till next week. Well done.

-Thank you, sir.

-All under control, sir.

-Thank you.

-Right! And, miss, a final word.

-Fantastic.

-Fantastic, sir.

Hello, Mrs Doggy Lady! Hiya, Britney.

It's Miss Spaniel to you. And you.

Why are they here? I thought I was the last act in the Freedom Show.

Er, yes, you are. They're just, er, watching.

Fine, they can watch my final rehearsal.

Dynamo, ready? Good boy!

-DOG WHINES

-Come on. In you go.

Well, performing felon fans, one more performing act to see.

Oh, don't be so pathetic!

It's only a tiny little...

-Dynamo!

-PETER LAUGHS

She always said his career would be stratospheric. You're on. Go, go!

It's a change of programme here at the Freedom Show.

Unfortunately, not Dynamo the doggy cannonball,

but at the last moment, a spectacular illusionist.

Jailors and jailbirds, please show your appreciation

for Jonathan Shotton! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, guys! Now, for as long as I can remember,

I've always wanted to fly and float in the air. I know I'm not alone,

so I'll give somebody the chance. Who would like to float in the air?

Yes, you'd be fantastic! Would you join me on the stage?

-All of this applause is for you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What's your name?

-Rafaela.

Now, there's three things you need in order to float.

The first is a flying carpet.

And I've got one of those for you. Hold onto that safely.

There's two other things you need. The first are some stepladders.

I've got two of those here. And finally, a plank of wood.

If we pick that up and that will sit on top of the two stepladders

just like so. Now, this is perfectly safe.

It'll take my weight, so it'll certainly take yours, Rafaela.

If I take that flying carpet back, we'll spread out the carpet

over the plank of wood, just like so.

And in a moment, I'm going to ask you if you wouldn't mind sitting

on top of the carpet. Do you think you could give that a go?

Sit right in the middle for me. Let's see if we can make this work.

This is real magic.

Lie yourself back for me, just like so. That's wonderful!

A little bit further back if you wouldn't mind? Wonderful.

And you can cross your arms across your tummy for me.

And your feet, as well.

This is, like I said, real magic. Are you ready, boys and girls?

ALL: Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Rafaela! That's it! Stand up for me!

They're going to give you a huge round of applause! Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They're running away.

Oh, what an illusion! How on earth did they do that?

Have you any ideas? Mr Burgess.

Well, let's start off with the lady at the centre of that act. Miss?

It was really scary because I thought I was going to die.

-Why would you think you were going to die?

-I couldn't see what was going on

and I was just looking at the ceiling.

-Do you sleep?

-Yes.

-You can't see what's going on then.

-Yeah, that's why I get scared sometimes.

-You do?

-But, on the whole, did you enjoy the act?

-Yes.

You think you know how they do it, don't you?

-Yes.

-You've drawn a diagram. Hold it up.

What's your theory behind this diagram?

The plank of wood with a south-facing magnet,

the one at the bottom with a north-facing magnet inside.

The north attracting the south stops it from wobbling

and the south repelling the south keeps it in the air.

Thank you from Science Today. No, that's not how it's done.

-Sum that act up for me, Miss.

-Magical.

-Magical, sir.

Jailors and jailbirds, it's the moment you've all been waiting for.

The moment of truth where we find out who's going free

from the Freedom Show. Before that, let's welcome them all back!

The sensational acts, Vampire Ascendants,

Planet Jumprope,

Woody the one-man band

and, at the last minute, Jonathan Shotton and Emma!

Give them a big cheer! Now, you know how this works.

You make noise and Gimbert's clapometer turns it into points.

The highest points, well, they're the winners and they go free.

The others, they stay for tea. Let's get on to the important business.

We have got marvellous acts. Kicking it off were Vampire Ascendants!

Come on, let's hear it for them!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Vampire Ascendants!

Good score! 71.2! Well done the vampires!

Now, the second act you saw, well, they took skipping into a new realm.

Will they be going free? It's Planet Jumprope!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Into the lead with 86.7 is Planet Jumprope! Yeah!

Next, he was loveable and cute, he had a little furry thing in his hat.

Yes, it was Woody the one-man band!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Woody, looks like you're staying for tea, as well. 76.1.

Very close. Still in the lead, Planet Jumprope.

Only one act can stop them. He was mysterious, Jonathan Shotton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! It's close, it's close. Let's see. A score of 86.3.

86.7, though, going free, it's Planet Jumprope!

Just pipped at the post! They're going free! Off you go, guys!

They're going free! Give them a big cheer and a round of applause!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mr Burgess, what's for tea tonight?

Well, tonight, sir, it's a beautiful cod fillet in a golden batter

with mushy peas, chips, two rounds of bread and butter and tea for two.

-That's amazing! Really?

-No, sir! It's not!

HE LAUGHS It's lumpy porridge, sir!

Get him back! Off you go. Give them a cheer and a round of applause.

There you go, jailors and jailbirds.

Remember, we're waiting for you, we're watching you

and if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

-Bye-bye, everybody!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

Lunar five to base, it's looking good up here.

Setting course for... Hold on a minute! I don't believe this!

Houston, we have a poodle.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

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