Tough Nut The Slammer

Dear Mum, it's been a mad week here in the slammer.

You won't believe some of the acts we had on the Freedom Show.

See, I told you you wouldn't believe me.

Anyway, it all started with the worst morning of my whole life.

-Whoa, you are writing words and they are coming from the sky.

-Shut up.

Oh.

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Ah, Fergus! Major problem, sire.

You're right, Frank. These begonias are 80% caterpillar.

I'm not talking about that. Somebody has stolen my keys to D wing.

D wing? But only acts from today's Freedom Show are in D wing.

-I know.

-Without those keys we won't be able to let them out their cells.

-I know!

-And we've got K-Slick.

And Scales of the Unexpected.

And Marc Oberon.

And Big Ron and the Jigglers.

I don't like it. I like it even less than I like Gimbert

and that's barely measurable, sir.

-I think somebody is trying to wreck today's Freedom Show.

-Calm down.

Maybe those keys weren't stolen. Maybe you lost them.

Get looking. We'll turn this office upside down.

How will we get the table to stick to the ceiling?

Find the keys.

"Dear Mr Nokio, I have kidnapped your precious puppets."

Aaargh!

"Unless you want them to be unstitched, seam by seam,

"you will do exactly what I say."

-Oh, what's this?

-I don't know, open it, you fool.

-I'm doing it.

Oh! Oh!

Here, Nokio, you seen my keys, lad?

Oh, keys...of course not, Mr Burgess. Keys! Ha-ha!

Hm, too much sawdust in the porridge, obviously.

Oh. "Unlock your cell door then come to Big Barry's cell."

Oh, Big Barry, he is crazier than a dinner lady

with batter all round her chops.

Yeah, I know that but I've got no choice.

Not if I want to be reunited with my precious puppets.

-I am one of your precious puppets.

-Yeah, but you're rubbish!

-That's nice, innit?

-Come on, ssh.

This must be Big Barry's cell. OK.

-Not scared.

-Then why are you shaking like a wobbly leaf?

I am scared.

Do you like ballet?

-Well?!

-Um... Sort of.

Near enough. A lot of people say,

"Oh, I can't stand ballet, it's boring, it's sissy, it's for girls."

Ballet's not for girls! Do I look like a girl to you?

No. No.

I love ballet. I got eight years in this place

for dancing the Nutcracker with a monkey wrench.

CRACK! CRACK!

Do you think the Governor likes ballet?

Do you think Burgess likes ballet?

Um...a little bit?

No, they do not!

There hasn't been one ballet act on in the Freedom Show in ten years.

Think that's fair?

No, it's not fair.

I'll tell you what's going to happen.

I am going to get on that Freedom Show to do my ballet,

and you...

you are going to help me.

Uh, no. I don't want to do it.

"I don't want to do it, nuh-huh-huh."

That's all right. That's fair enough.

Course, it does mean that your little furry friends...

-ARE GOING TO GET IT!

-Get off me!

Oh, OK, I'll do it, I'll do it. Just let him go!

That's a smart move. Now...

if you let me down, just remember

that I am the big cheese in here.

Uh-huh. What about him?

Don't ever talk about him.

Oh, still no sign of the keys and the Freedom Show audience

are on their way in. We're going to have to cancel, Frank.

-Uncle, the cell doors are open.

-What?

I could kiss you if it wasn't so unhygienic. The show's back on!

How did you get those doors open?

I forgot to lock them in the first place.

-Thank you.

-Right. How do I look?

-Devine.

-Thank you very much. In that case, it's showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host...

Go on then, welcome him.

Clap or something.

APPLAUSE

It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who's the governor?

You're the governor!

Oh, my little jailers and jailbirds, lovely to see you.

What a show we've got for you here in The Slammer.

It's called the Freedom Show cos you decide at the end which of these

performing prisoner acts will go free, their debt to society served.

We've got four marvellous acts. We've got Scales of the Unexpected.

Ooh!

We've got a visual act that will stun you called Marc Oberon.

Ooh!

And it's hard to describe it,

-he's called Big Ron and the Jigglers.

-Ooh!

We'll kick off with a kicking act with a great big K.

He's a rapper, he's cool, he's K-Slick!

APPLAUSE

Yes! Children of The Slammer, are you ready? It's K-Slick.

CHEERING

Ha-ha!

# You're with K-Slick Baddest man in the Slammer

# My lyrics and my grammar hit harder than sledgehammers

# That's why I'm here, man The law can't take this

# Lock me up because I'm so dangerous

# Let me tell you somethin' And this is sincere

# I'm badder than every single person that's in here

# That's right, it's true, it's true, it's true

# I'm way cooler than you and you and you

# I won't lie Listen, I want truth

-# Who's the baddest man in the Slammer? #

-Not you!

What? # Hey, listen, I want truth

-# Who's the baddest man in the Slammer? #

-Not you!

No? Wait, you got it all wrong.

Are you listening to the words of the song?

Hey, don't take that.

No, my mummy bought me that cap!

And those are prescription shades!

Now I've got to put on my old frames.

Careful with the jacket. It's my big brother's.

I've got to give it back to him. No! No...

Ohh!

Oh, what a disaster. This always happens when I try to act harder.

OK, so, hey, I was lying. And my name's not K, it's Brian.

I'm not in the Slammer for my rapping.

I'm in here for crimes against fashion.

They locked me up for next to nothing.

What's wrong with having trousers that are past your belly button?

I could be released, if you like me, go back to my job at the library,

putting books in alphabetical order,

according to the names of the author.

So am I the guy you're going to vote for?

You've got to love me, you've got to!

-Who's the baddest man in the Slammer?

-Not you!

-Oh.

Come on, get in there. Give him a big hand!

APPLAUSE

K-Slick - he was good with his words, he didn't stammer,

-but did he do well enough to get out of the Slammer?

-Right.

Kicking off with K-Slick. Was he?

-Yes.

-Good.

-I liked him because I like cool music.

-Was that cool music?

-Yeah.

-When he got his glasses on and talked about the library?

-Not that bit,

-but the first bit.

-That wasn't so cool.

-No.

-Can you rap, madam?

-No.

-How was the act?

He was very good at rapping and it was quite funny.

-Do you think he did enough to go free?

-Maybe.

-What did you think?

-He was very funny

-but he should go back to the library.

-He should be released?

-Yeah.

-To the library. Get him out of here? He's no good in here?

-Yeah.

Let's have Gimbert's rap.

My name is Gimbert and I work in the Slammer,

I like sandwiches, especially ham...er.

LAUGHTER

-Rubbish.

-One final word. Sum up K-Slick for me, sir.

-Terrible.

-Terrible, sir.

Well, on with the show...

If one of the acts can't perform, guess who takes their place.

-I, er... Oh, you?

-Yeah.

Will this next act go free? You will decide. A very unusual act.

-Oh, here they come. Don't let me down.

-OK.

-A-hem! Little picture

for the newspaper?

OK, yeah.

-Say "cream cheese"!

-Cream cheese!

There we go. Oh, it's not... Oh.

Scales of the Unexpected, yeah!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-We are Scales of the Unexpected.

-We do literal choreography.

-It's our favourite type of dancing.

-Just act out the words in the song.

So, if you were going to do Britney Spears, Hit Me, Baby, One More Time,

you would go...hit me, baby,

one more time.

-Simple.

-OK, we're going to give you

a demonstration of... literal choreography.

# Brian, can you handle this?

# Little Ian, can you handle this?

# BIG Ian, can you handle this? I don't think they can handle this

# Oh, baby, baby How was I supposed to know

-# How was I supposed to know

-That something wasn't right here

# Oh, baby, baby I shouldn't have let you go

# Now you're out of sight, yeah

# Show me how you want it to be

# Tell me, baby Cos I need to know now, all because

# My loneliness is killing me And I...

-# I must confess I still believe

-Still believe

# When I'm not with you I lose my mind

# Give me a sign

-# Hit me, baby, one more time

-Baby, one more time

-One more time

# Hit me, baby, one more time

-# One more... #

-Yeah!

-Ow!

-Ooh! Wow!

# Time! #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, wasn't that clever, all the words, yeah?

Will they be singing "hit the road, Jack"? and will they be going free?

Ha-ha! Let's find out. I'll stick to the day job.

Now, then, sir, I noticed you had a face as long as an 'orse. Why?

-It was clever but it was a bit boring.

-Why clever?

-With all the actions along with the words.

-So you only liked that bit?

-Yeah, the singing wasn't the best.

-Could they improve it?

-Yes.

-Tell me about Scales of the Unexpected.

-I thought this act

was wicked. They have good mimes and great singing voices

and I'd them eight out of ten.

One final word. Sum that act up.

-Sir!

-Great.

Great, sir.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, lots of music in the show,

but now the part of the Freedom Show that we call Solitary Confinement.

-SCREAMING

-These are the performing prisoners

whose showbusiness crimes are so terrible

that they have to be kept away from other people.

We let them out once in a while to perform. If they do well,

they don't go free but they get something nice.

Today, the Slammer stylist will give them a lovely hairdo.

If they don't do well, they get a cruel and unusual punishment.

-What is it, Mr Burgess?

-Today, sir, it's being strung up by the ankles

-until they've learnt to play the clarinet, sir.

-Ohh!

But first, we need a judge. Who's going to be the judge? Mr Burgess.

-Choose a bright and intelligent young person.

-This young lady.

Give her a round of applause.

There we are. You come over here. What is your name?

-Charnelle.

-Charnelle, come over with me as we prepare for

the part of the show that we call Solitary Confinement!

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

INAUDIBLE

Charnelle, it's up to you now to decide.

With that thumb, you'll have five seconds to decide.

Thumbs up, it's a shampoo and set.

Thumbs down, on your head with a clarinet.

It's up to you, you're the judge.

What's it going to be?

Oh, it's thumbs down! Thank you, Charnelle.

Round of applause. Oh, that's Solitary Confinement for you.

-Strung upside down until he learns...

-'I don't want to do it!

I can't do it!' JOLLY CLARINET-PLAYING

-Marvellous.

-'Oh, I did it!'

It worked. Give him a big hand. He can play the clarinet now.

So prison does work. Right, onto our next performing prisoner.

-Hang on, you do the talking.

-OK. Excuse me.

-For you - a good-luck present.

-Thank you.

-A panini press? Hang onto it for me, will you?

-Yeah.

Ohh, useless!

BANG!

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

Oh, you...

It's the wonderful experience of Marc Oberon! Yeah!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS AND WIND HOWLS

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

Marc...Oberon.

Give him a big round of applause, jailers and jailbirds, yes.

Marc Oberon, there he is. Off you go. Wow! Well!

What makes him all aglow?

I think it's the sloppy ploppy porridge. What do you think?

The luminous world of Marc Oberon. Sir?

It was awesome and I liked the part

when he had that snake around his neck. It was really cool.

-Are you a fan of snakes, sir?

-Yeah.

-Would you like to see more snake-based acts?

-Yeah.

-How many?

-A thousand?

-A thousand snake-based acts?

Well, we'll try.

Has Marc Oberon done enough to go free, madam?

Um, I don't know. It was sort of freakish.

What was the freakiest bit for you?

Probably when his face came off!

Yeah, that is a bit freaky.

What about you, miss?

-It was really, really good.

-Why, miss?

-Cos it looked like

he was actually a real alien and he was really doing the flips.

-And he was flying.

-Do you like aliens, miss?

-Yeah.

-How much?

-Er, lots.

What did you think of Marc Oberon, Jack?

I think it was a bit scary, strangely freaky,

but all in all dazzling.

Dazzling, very dazzling.

-One final word. Sum that act up.

-Cool.

-Cool, sir.

Just one more performing prisoner act to see

and this act you're going to love. It's absolutely sensational...

Right, that's it!

What...? Big Barry? It's Big Barry. Get him! Somebody get him!

Mr Burgess, it's Big Barry! Get out of it!

Oh, go on, get him. Take him away.

Gosh! Well, he's Big Barry. Forget him. We've got a bigger act for you.

Jailers and jailbirds, you might have noticed somebody on the stage.

Make some noise for Big Ron and the Jigglers!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

# Look at what's happened to me-e

# I can't believe it myself

# Suddenly I'm up on top of the world

# Should've been somebody else

# Believe it or not I'm walking on air

# I never thought I could be so free-ee-ee

# Flying away on a wing and a prayer

# Who could it be?

# Believe it or not, it's just me-e-e

# Who could it be-e-e-e?

# Believe it or not, it's just me-e-e. #

Oh, they're taking the Jigglers. Big Ron, you can stay right there.

Give him a cheer. Big Ron!

-So what did you think?

-Right, did they jiggle it for you, sir?

Um...yes, they did. I really liked the two Jigglers.

They were always smiling and they danced very well.

The character Big Ron was also very good

but I don't think he will go free

-because he's too big to fit out the gates.

-So we just keep him in here?

I don't think you have any choice. How do you get a cell big enough?

We've got one round the back - a special Big-Ron cell, sir.

-Did you enjoy the act?

-I really liked when Big Ron sang.

I'd give it a six or a nine out of ten.

A six or a nine or a ten? Mmm.

-What do you think, sir?

-It was astonishing.

-In what way, sir?

Um, right...the Jigglers were really good

-and Big Ron was like...big...so...

-LAUGHTER

-Is that your final word, sir?

-Yeah.

This young lady here. Hello.

I thought it was wicked and enormously big

and I would give him an eight and a half out of ten.

-No halves. Eight or nine?

-Nine.

One final word. Sum that act up for me.

-Giganto-riffic.

-Giganto-riffic?

Very good, sir. Well done.

You've seen all the acts. Time to bring them back

and decide who's going to go free!

Welcome back K-Slick, Scales of the Unexpected,

Marc Oberon, Big Ron and the Jigglers.

Round of applause for them, please.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Four performing prisoner acts, very unusual ones I think you'll agree.

Only one act can go free,

using this piece of high-tech equipment.

Not Gimbert, but the Clap-o-meter.

The more you clap and cheer,

the higher the score on the Clap-o-meter.

One act will go free.

Who's it going to be? First act - well, very, very clever.

Will he be rapping his way free from the Slammer?

Show your appreciation, please, for K-Slick!

Let's see what you got, K. Or is it Brian?

75.6. Not bad. A medium sort of score.

Musical theatre, you love it or you hate it.

Did you love or hate Scales of the Unexpected?

Oh, you liked it.

Oh, medium score. 74.2.

You're staying with us, folks.

Still in the lead, it's K-Slick after just two acts.

Jailers and jailbirds, the next act you saw

was phenomenal. He was neon. Will he be going out of the Slammer

or will he be lighting up for a few years to come? Marc Oberon!

Oh, what a big score!

He surges into the lead with a surge of electricity.

90.5. He's in the lead. Well, only one act can catch him now,

and what an act. Maybe not the best, but certainly the biggest act ever.

Let's hear it for Big Ron and the Jigglers!

Oh, it's not quite enough. 76.

Going free with a score of 90.5, it's Marc Oberon!

Marc, you're free to go.

Yes, he's going free. Marc Oberon. The bad news for the rest of you,

and for us as Big Ron is staying, is that you're staying for tea.

What's for tea, Mr Burgess?

-Indian tonight, sir.

-Indian? What is it?

-Sloppy ploppy porridge, sir.

-That's Indian?

-It is if you drop a Bombay duck in it, sir!

-Get out of here!

Give them a big hand, there they go.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Big Ron. Come here.

I'll take you a special way back to the cell.

You're far too big the other way.

That's it from the Slammer this week.

-If you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-You've got to do the time!

Bye, everybody! Bye-bye! Come on, Big Ron.

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

Oh, oxygen! Yeah!

Safe and sound at last, eh, Peter?

Let's have a reunion photo, you and all your puppets. Say cheese.

Guv, that camera...!

Oh. One for the album, eh, son?