Highlights Show The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer.

# Leave The Slammer.

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Hello, jailers and jailbirds everywhere,

welcome to a special episode of The Slammer, with me, the Governor.

-Who's the Governor?

-You're the Governor!

-That's right.

It's been a cracking year here in The Slammer,

the showbiz crime rate's been soaring,

we're packed with great performing prisoner acts, we're chock-a-block.

We've prisoners in cells, we've got prisoners in hallways,

we've got prisoners in cupboards,

we put some of the prisoners in the outside loo. Phwoah!

In fact, we're so full we've had to use my office

to store the inmates' costumes. Just look at this place!

These were used by Jukebox Juniors.

I mean, they won't need them in here again, will they?

They put on such a great show we had to release them. Just look at this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jukebox Juniors there, weren't they brilliant?

Well, now they've been released

we can donate their costumes to a worthwhile cause.

St Bonzo's Home for Hopeless Entertainers.

It's a marvellous place that does a lot of work

for people and performers who've lost their razzmatazz.

I do a lot of volunteer work for them.

In fact, they've even asked me to go and stay with them for a while.

Ugh...anyway, here's three acts you'll never see in St Bonzo's -

trio Mitchev Ring, Flaming Fun and Andrey Averyushkin.

Woo!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CRASH!

SMASH!

Andrey had a lot of juggling balls there, didn't he? Not the only one.

But guess who has to pack 'em all away? Me.

I'd get Gimbert to do it, but get this,

his mum won't let him come back to work

until he's finished his tea. He's useless!

Least your Governor, I'm always thinking, bring me own pack lunch.

Got me favourite sarnies somewhere 'ere. Ah, there it is.

Oh, dear - look at that. Never mind, I quite like a wrap. Hmm!

Here's someone else who likes a good rap - K-Slick,

the baddest rapper in The Slammer. Enjoy.

Mm, nice!

# Yo, it's K-Slick baddest man in The Slammer

# My lyrics and my grammar hit harder than sledgehammers

# That's why I'm here, man The law can't take this

# Lock me up cos I'm so dangerous

# I won't lie, listen I want truth

# Who's the baddest man in The Slammer? #

Not you!

Eh? What? Listen, I want truth...

-# Who's the baddest man in The Slammer? #

-Not you!

No, wait, you got it all wrong.

Are you listening to the words of the song? Uh, what? Hey, don't take that.

No, my mummy bought me that cap!

LAUGHTER

Those are prescription shades!

Now I gotta put on my old frames.

LAUGHTER

Careful of the jacket, it's my big brother's,

I've got to give it back to him. No!

Ohh...

Oh, what a disaster.

This always happens when I try to act harder.

OK, so, hey, I was lying.

And my name's not K, it's Brian.

But I could be released, if you like me.

Go back to my job at the library.

Putting books in alphabetical order, according to the names of the author.

So, you going to like the other shows

or am I the guy you're going to vote for?

Cos you've got to love me, you've got to!

-So who's the baddest man in The Slammer?

-Not you!

Oh...

LAUGHTER

K-Slick there. Or Brian, as his mum knows him.

All right, he may be a bit of a nerd, but he's a pretty mean rapper.

In fact, I taught him everything he knows.

Oh, yeah, I've mashed up a few "well fat" beats in me time. Hit it!

# I am the Governor and this is my manner

# It is The Slammer I am bad, so is my grammar

# Go to the O and O to the V with the... #

Oh, forget it. All right, I didn't teach him everything that he knows,

I taught him everything that I know, which isn't much.

But here's two acts that don't need any lessons from me or anyone else.

The Gandini Jugglers, followed by Banquina!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Right, well, those jugglers and tumblers won't be needing any

of this stuff now that they've been released, and it's a good job too.

There's plenty of depressed clowns

in St Bonzo's Home for Hopeless Entertainers who need cheering up.

You know, there's nothing worse than being stuck in a room

full of ten upset clowns with their big clumpy boots

stamping about all over the place. Gives me headache.

Hopefully these costumes might put a smile back on their faces.

Either that or they can watch these next acts that were so good

Mr Burgess nearly cracked a smile.

Either that or his moustache was on upside down.

Comedian Steve Best,

the dancing talent of Emily Crow and the magic of Christian Lee.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Ewww!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Louder, louder

# And you'll run for your life

# I can hardly speak, I understand

# Why you can't raise your voice to say

# Ooh, oooooh, oooooh. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

WHOOPING

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Woah! Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Coming up next are some acts that were so good,

the other inmates didn't want them to leave.

I calmed everyone down by learning their routines and performing them

in front of the entire prison. It must have worked,

because after just one show, everybody said they didn't want

to see it any more. Hah! They must have been bowled over by my talents!

Who am I kidding?!

I could never be as good as this lot! The amazing fire juggling

of Germaine Delbosque, the technical wizardry

of DJ Woody and the stunning illusions

of Marc Oberon. Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do...

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

RECORD SCRATCHES

# DJ, DJ, DJ, DJ Woody

# Scra-scra-scratching

# Now it's time to hear what the audience thinks. #

Wooh, wooh! R-r-r-r-ready.

Steady, steady.

Wo-wo-one, two, three. Let's go!

RECORD SCRATCHES

-A-a-a-a-a-amazing.

-Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes!

Fun, fun, funtastic. Funtastic. Funtastic.

They seem to like it. Here's a word from Governor Ted.

Can you scratch two records instead?!

Eeee! That's clever!

Oh-oooh! Isn't he good?!

Eeee! That's clever!

-Oh-oooh! Isn't he good?!

-RECORDS SCRATCH

LAUGHTER

RECORDS SCRATCH REALLY QUICKLY

MUSIC FADES OUT

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SPOOKY MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LASER BEAM BUZZES AND BEEPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-IN A DEEP VOICE:

-Marc...Oberon...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hello again. I can explain this. I tripped and I fell

into a pile of costumes. Easily done, you know!

Hey, what about that Marc Oberon, eh? The way he floats

about like that. How does he do it? Out of this world.

Speaking of out of this world, we had some genuine visitors from

outer space recently. Yes, we had drama with laser swords and a robot

that showered the Slammer in sparks, duelling sabres and glow bots.

You watch them while I get out of this costume.

Ooh, ride up, these things.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

STAR WARS THEME PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE GROANS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ROBOT BUZZES AND BEEPS

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEER ALONG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, all this packing is exhausting work.

I think I've definitely earned a breather.

Mind you, I wish I was as sporty as these next acts.

They're so super fit, they didn't need a break,

despite all the skating, bouncing and jumping they got up to on stage.

It's Team Extreme and Pro-Jump 101. Erm...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Well, there must have been a showbiz crime wave lately,

because the Slammer has been full to bursting

with some great performing prisoner acts.

Fortunately, enough of them have earned an early release

in the Freedom Show, so I can get rid of all of their costumes.

I'll be glad to have my office back.

Now, I'll just get that... Where are they?

I'm stuck. Erm... Gimbert?!

Mr Burgess?! I can't get out!

Ooh, heck! Perhaps I can get through this narrow gap here and squeeze...

Ooh, no, I shouldn't have had that extra cupcake!

Ooh, what am I going to do? Come on, breathe in, Guv!

Breathe in! Aaarrrgh!

CRASHING AND RIPPING

SQUELCHING

HE GROANS

See you soon, jailers and jail birds. See you soon.

# Ooh, ooh

# Aah, ahh

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #