A Slammer Christmas The Slammer
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Transcript
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|---|---|---|---|
Dear Mum. Thanks for the Christmas present. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
I love the wrapping paper. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
# I'm the Christmas rapper I'm the blingest paper | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
# Yuletide, yo, mamma Word! Respect, innit! # | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
What the jingle bells is that? | 0:00:11 | 0:00:14 | |
HE BURPS | 0:00:14 | 0:00:15 | |
The Christmas Freedom Show was mad... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
-..totally Christmassyy... -CHEERING | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
..and a starring role was played by your favourite son. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
Yes, that means me! | 0:00:25 | 0:00:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:26 | 0:00:27 | |
Let me tell you the story. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime | 0:00:33 | 0:00:38 | |
# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're going to spend your time | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste | 0:00:42 | 0:00:47 | |
# We're coming to the limit to try and get released | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour | 0:00:55 | 0:01:00 | |
# Your fate is in their hands, so make your date with glamour | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
# It's the only way you'll ever beat The Slammer | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
# Beat the slammer | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
# It's the only way you'll ever beat The Slammer. # | 0:01:09 | 0:01:13 | |
Christmas eve! I'm so excited I could snog a satsuma. Oh! | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
-Mwah! -Personally, I hate Christmas. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
But it's the season of goodwill. Peace and joy to all. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
That's why I hate it! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Oooh! Ebenezer Burgess. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
The Freedom Show starts soon. We've got some cracking acts | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
and not a Christmas turkey amongst them. We've got the Big Bouncers. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:37 | |
Madeline, the Christmas fairy. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
Potted panto. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:42 | |
-And... Oh! -New inmate, sir. This is world-famous panto dame, Lip Gloss. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
She got seven years for short-changing the seven dwarves. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:52 | |
Oh! One year for each dwarf! | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
-Hello, boys and girls. -SHE SOBS | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
ALL: Hello, Lip Gloss! | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
Everything OK? You seem unhappy. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
-He has just been sent to prison, sir. -Oh, it's much worse than that! | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
-SHE SOBS -Thank you. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
-HE BLOWS HIS NOSE -I see. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
You see, Christmas is the only time of year | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
that I get to do what I love in life. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
That's perform in panto. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
But I can't, cos I'm locked up in here! | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
SHE WAILS | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Oh... | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
-Stop taking the mickey. -SCREAMING | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
I couldn't feel more depressed if I was sat on by an elephant. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
-When you put it like that, it is a bit sad. -I'm welling up. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
-Oh, no, it's just something in my eye. -This'll never do. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
-There's only one thing for it. -Cancel Christmas? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:42 | |
No. We'll turn the Freedom Show into a Freedom Panto! | 0:02:42 | 0:02:47 | |
We've already got an audience coming. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
We'll perform a pantomime with the usual acts taking part. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:54 | |
I can't thank you enough! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
I feel a ridiculous costume change coming on. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
Hurry up, everyone, we've got a panto to prepare. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:06 | |
-Oh no, we haven't. -That's the spirit. -Oh yes... -Shut up! | 0:03:06 | 0:03:10 | |
Snow Babes and the Giant Magic Lamp Stalk? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
I didn't have long to write it. My memory's not what it was. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
-Was when? -Can't remember. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
-I thought I was supposed to be Handsome Prince. -They only do make-up, not miracles. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:26 | |
-How do I look? -ALL: Ridiculous! -Thank you very much. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
In that case, it's panto time! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:34 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
welcome to HMP Slammer at Christmas! | 0:03:37 | 0:03:41 | |
Now please welcome your hosts, the original Cheeky Girls, | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
Tweedledum and Tweedledumber! | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
CHEERING | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
BOTH: Who's the pantomime dames? | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
You are the pantomime dames! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:09 | |
-Yes, I'm Tweedledum. -And I'm Tweedledumber. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:13 | |
We are the fairest fairies in the land. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
I'm fair but you...Well, I think you need some more beauty cream. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:22 | |
-What's that? -Oil of Uglay! | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
Today we present for you a Christmas tale | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
full of an amazing array of Freedom Show acts. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
-And us. So, shall we begin? -Jailers and jailbirds... -HONK | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
-I didn't know it did that. -HONK | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Jailers and jailbirds, we present for you | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
the tale of the Snow Babes and the Giant Magic Lamp Stalk. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:52 | |
Once upon a Christmas Eve in a land far, far, far, far, far, far away | 0:04:55 | 0:05:01 | |
there lived an evil, nasty king. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
BOOING | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
This king was so evil he gathered up all the performers in the land | 0:05:08 | 0:05:14 | |
-and locked them in the castle. -I could get to enjoy this part. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:19 | |
That's right, loyal subjects, I am your king | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
-and this is my Christmas cruelty show. -BOOING | 0:05:23 | 0:05:30 | |
I may have rounded up all the entertainers in the land and stuck 'em in here | 0:05:30 | 0:05:35 | |
but tonight three of them will perform for all of us | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
-and do you know what will 'appen to the act that's the best? -SET THEM FREE! | 0:05:38 | 0:05:44 | |
No! Tish and pish! They'll be sent back to their cells | 0:05:44 | 0:05:49 | |
with not so much as a bowl of sloppy... | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
ploppy... | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
porridge! Wu-ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
-Wu-ha... -HE COUGHS | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Get on with it! | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Pace, sir. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
So for my delectable entertainment this evening, page, | 0:06:03 | 0:06:08 | |
bring me me first act. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
-TRUMPET -Does that noise himself, you know. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:15 | |
The first act are the Big Bouncers! | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
CHEERING | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
CHEERING | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
You might have thought they were ball-bouncingly good but I didn't. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:02 | |
Let me find somebody. Who's the best looking here? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
-He's very good looking. What's your name? -James. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
-Your opinion, please. -Fantastic, brilliant and excellent. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:14 | |
-You weren't reading that, were you? -No. -OK, fine. Just like to know. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
-Were you astonished? -I thought it was bouncingly good. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:23 | |
Bouncingly good? What else? | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
-I'll give them nine out of ten. -You're like Father Christmas, giving them nine out of ten. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:30 | |
-We'll bounce them out of prison, do you reckon? -Yeah, probably. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
Away they go, bounce, bounce, bounce. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
-Off they go. -Byesy-bye. Bye-bye-bye. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:42 | |
-You can go to the next person now. -Oh. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
-Final word, please. -Bouncerific-tastic. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:49 | |
Bouncerific-tastic. I like it. Thank you. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
Not everyone in the land was as happy as the evil king. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:56 | |
Spare a thought for his servant, a lonely orphan boy. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
Hello, boys and girls. I'm Pip, a lonely orphan boy. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:05 | |
Awwww! | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
I'm more lonely than that! | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
AWWWWW! | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
Oi, Pip! Who said you could speak to my audience? | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
-BOOING -Shut up! | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
-Nobody said I could speak to the audience, sir. -Nobody. So don't! | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
They're my audience and I ain't sharin'! | 0:09:22 | 0:09:26 | |
AUDIENCE BOOS | 0:09:26 | 0:09:27 | |
-I'll get him back. -I've had enough of you. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
-Go on, get out of it! -Ooh! | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
And so the evil king banished poor Pip | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
to stand outside the castle in the freezing cold. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
Awww! | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
And don't come back. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
Just as he was about to turn into a human ice lolly, he heard a sound. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:49 | |
HORN BLARES | 0:09:49 | 0:09:50 | |
What a luxurious carriage! | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
-Left hand down a bit. -Lovely, lovely, lovely. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
I think I've pulled a fat! Hang on... OK. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
-Yes. Good day, Pipsqueak. -How do you know my name? -Yes... | 0:09:59 | 0:10:04 | |
We are your hairy... I mean your fairy godmothers. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
A bit like Tinkerbell but with more stubble and bigger wands. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
Yes! We're here to help. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
Look. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:15 | |
Take those three special beans. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
No, you're all right. I'm not that hungry. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
HOLLOW KNOCKING | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
I told you he was simple. Magic beans! | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
Oh, I have to go off and plant them? | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
HOLLOW KNOCKING | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
No, you silly sausage! | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
-You rub them three times. But be very careful. -Why? | 0:10:33 | 0:10:38 | |
-They might wander off. -Why? | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
-They're RUNNER beans! -Runner beans! Come on, old bean. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:44 | |
-Thank you, has-BEAN. -Come on, you human BEAN. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:49 | |
Wow! | 0:10:49 | 0:10:50 | |
Three magic beans! Shall I rub them? | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
-ALL: -Yeah! | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Really? | 0:10:55 | 0:10:56 | |
-ALL: -Yeah! | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
OK, then. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
HARP PLAYS | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
COUGHING | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
Wow! A magic...thing. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
Meanwhile, in the castle, | 0:11:08 | 0:11:09 | |
the evil king continued his show. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
Right, for me amusement now, page, bring me me next act. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:19 | |
FANFARE | 0:11:19 | 0:11:20 | |
-He's done it again! He's very good. -Marvellous. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
-DRUM ROLL -Bring on... | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
Madeleine, the Christmas fairy. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
PIANO PLAYS | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
CHEERING | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Right, you might have liked a big, pink fairy. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
I didn't. We'll find out what you thought with the dames. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:09 | |
Who'd like to talk about Madeleine? You! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
She was really good. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
I especially loved the part where she did the splits upside down. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:19 | |
-Lovely. Could you do that? -No! -No. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
-Did she deserve to go free? -Yes. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
-Why? -Because she was amazing. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Most people can't do the splits in a high... | 0:14:27 | 0:14:32 | |
I can! | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
Oh, yes, I can! | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
ALL: Oh, no, you can't! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
No, I can't. You're right! | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
A final word from this lady here. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
-Tightrope-tastic! -Tightrope-tastic! I love it! | 0:14:42 | 0:14:46 | |
And so, festive jailers and jailbirds, our story continues. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:50 | |
Pipsqueak was stuck outside the castle. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
But having rubbed the magic bean, he'd found a new magical friend. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
I am a magic dwarf. Whoo! | 0:14:57 | 0:15:01 | |
I'm here to grant you two wishes. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
-Shouldn't that be three? -That would be greedy. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
You've got ten seconds. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:08 | |
-Can I have more time? -Granted. Another ten seconds. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
That wasn't my first wish! GONG CRASHES | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
What's your second wish? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
Er, I wish...I wish I could get my own back on that evil king. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:22 | |
GONG CRASHES | 0:15:22 | 0:15:23 | |
HARP PLAYS | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
Behold! Ye old rolled scroll. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Read this and you will discover the truth about His Royal Highness. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:32 | |
Ohh! | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
As Pip read the scroll, | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
he realised the king had been lying to him since he was a little boy. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:41 | |
Yes, Pip was the true rightful king of the land. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:45 | |
He was amazed. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
-Oh! -He was delighted. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
-Ah-ha-ha-ha! -He was discombobulated. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
Oh! Wah! Wah! | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
Meanwhile, back in the castle, | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
the evil pretender continued with his show. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
-Right, then, my loyal subjects. -AUDIENCE BOOS | 0:16:01 | 0:16:06 | |
This is the bit of the show we call Solitary Confinement. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
This is where we keep the very worst acts in the land. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:17 | |
We have to keep them locked away from the other prisoners. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:21 | |
But this is where we bring one out to meet your approval. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:25 | |
If they do well, they get a nice treat. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
Today they get to watch the Crimewatch Christmas special. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:33 | |
If they don't do well, they receive a cruel and unusual punishment. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:38 | |
What's the punishment? | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
This week, sir, | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
it's being baked for 50 minutes in a Christmas pudding, | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
doused in cognac, set alight then smothered in brandy butter! | 0:16:45 | 0:16:50 | |
How Christmassy! | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
I require a judge from you good ladies and gentlemen. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
-This lady. -Give her a round of applause. -Bring her up here. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:59 | |
Come over here. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
Up you come here, Miss. Come to me. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
-What's your name, Miss? -Megan. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
-Have you got a thumb? -Yep. -Let's see. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
Jolly good. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
Here we go. Bring out today's Solitary Confinement! | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
Hello, children! | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
How are you doing? | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
CHILDREN SHOUT OUT | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
What do you say when you bump into a gigantic polar bear? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:30 | |
Ahhhh! | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
I went to a Christmas party. Things got out of hand. But it was OK. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:37 | |
Luckily I keep a spare! There's my lucky hand! | 0:17:37 | 0:17:41 | |
What's this? | 0:17:41 | 0:17:42 | |
Uh, uh, uh, uh! | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
That's a very angry elf! | 0:17:45 | 0:17:46 | |
What's this? | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
What's this? | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
A penguin trying to get out of a bin. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
I was in Santa's kitchen and he was sorting out the vegetables. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:57 | |
Naughty, nice. Naughty, nice. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
"What's wrong with them?" "Those are mean beans." | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
"What do you do with the sprouts?" | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
"They go in the bin where they belong!" | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
What do you have to say about that? | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
Right, then, stick out your thumb - nice and level. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:20 | |
Now, remember, if he does well and he gets the thumbs up, | 0:18:20 | 0:18:25 | |
it's something good. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
If he gets the thumbs down, it's a burnt Christmas pud. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:30 | |
Five seconds to decide...now! | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
Oh, straight away! Well done. Take him away! | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
-Back to solitary. -Marvellous! -Get the cognac ready. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:43 | |
Marvellous. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
-Oh! Oh, no! -There we go, sir. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
Oh, no! | 0:18:47 | 0:18:48 | |
Oh, no, no! | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
FLAMES ROAR | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
Argh! Ahhh! | 0:18:52 | 0:18:53 | |
Music to my ears. Beautiful. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
On with the show. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
Now I know the truth, I'm the real king. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
I'm going to get inside that castle and fight that evil villain. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
I'm going to fight him! | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Going to whoom him, going to wham him. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
I'm going to set Terry my kung fu mouse on him. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
"I'm right 'ard. I'm Terry the kung fu mouse!" Ssh! | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
I'm going to kick him up the bum. Boing! | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
He's behind you! | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
Is he? Oh, he's not. No, shout if you see him! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
I'm going to whoom him, going to whack him... | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
He's behind you! | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
Is he? No, he's not there. No, say "behind you" if he's there behind me. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
I'm going to punch him... | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
He's behind you! | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
-Bad king! -Behind you! | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
-Wah! -Oh! | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
-Oh! -I thought I told you to stay out of my castle. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
I've just had me carpet cleaned. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
Yeah, I know. I clean them. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
Anyway, I'm the real king and I'm here, right now, | 0:19:50 | 0:19:53 | |
to fight you for the throne of this land! | 0:19:53 | 0:19:57 | |
Ha, very well. But can it wait until after the next act? | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
Oh, yeah, all right. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:02 | |
Right. Now then, for my amusement, bring me me third and final act. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:07 | |
FANFARE | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
-He's done it again. -Very good. -Well done, lad. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
Bring on the Potted Panto! | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
-Thank you very much! We are Dan and Jeff. He's Dan. -And he's Jeff. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:26 | |
And this is potted panto, a panto within a panto. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
Once upon a time, far, far away, | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
there lived a very old and wise king. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
Hello, loyal subjects, I am the king. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
Now, my wife and I have had a lovely baby daughter. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:41 | |
To celebrate this we're going to throw a massive party. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
Hey, Bruces and Sheilas, it's I, the wicked fairy of the south! | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
-BOO! -Now, here's my gift for the baby princess. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
On her 18th birthday she'll prick her finger | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
on a spinning wheel and die! Wa-ha-ha! | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
-BOO! -Better! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Flutter, flutter, flutter...! | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
I am outraged, I don't want my only daughter to die, but what am I to do? | 0:21:02 | 0:21:06 | |
Hey, King baby, you do not be worrying. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
I have not given my gift to the princess. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
Oh, the fairy from the east. Can you undo the wicked fairy's magic? | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
Better! I can make it so on her 18th birthday she will prick her finger, | 0:21:15 | 0:21:19 | |
but she will not die. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Instead she will be woken by the kiss - mwah! - of true love. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
-How is that better? -I do not know. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
So, 18 years passed and the young princess grew up. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:32 | |
# La-la-la-la-la-la-la... # | 0:21:32 | 0:21:36 | |
-Spinning wheel. Spin, spin, spin. -# La-la-la-la-la... # | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
Oh! Hello, beautiful-yet-stupid princess. Come closer. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:45 | |
What is that you have there? | 0:21:45 | 0:21:46 | |
This? It's a spinning wheel. Touch it! | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
I don't know, do you think I should, girls and boys? | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
-No! -Shut up! | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
-She's saying no. They're all saying no. -Touch it! | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
-Give me your hand. -Ah! | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
-Ya-ha-ha-ha! -Boo! -I've done it, I've killed the princess! | 0:21:59 | 0:22:03 | |
I don't know why I waited 18 years, | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
should have done it when she was a baby. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
Oh, I feel strangely woozy. Ohhh! | 0:22:07 | 0:22:11 | |
And so the princess fell asleep. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
In a beautiful, enchanted, magical sleep. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:17 | |
SHE SNORES | 0:22:17 | 0:22:18 | |
100 years went by and the kingdom became nothing more | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
than the legend of the sleeping princess inside a magical castle. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:26 | |
That is until one day, who found himself riding through the forest | 0:22:26 | 0:22:31 | |
but none other than the handsome... | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
# Prince Charming! # | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
Big horse coming through. It might stamp on your toes! | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Here I come! Whoa! | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
-Dismount. It is I, Prince Charming. Huzzah for me! -Huzzah! | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
Now, I've heard there's a sleeping princess somewhere. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
Whoa, there she is! | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
Now, I think I should wake her with this custard pie! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:54 | |
-Who here wants to pie a princess? -Me! | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
You're asleep. Down! | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
Right, you there, get up here. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
You've got a strong arm, come over here. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
There we go. Take the pie and wake her up. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
Put it in her face, do it! | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
Yeah! Give him a clap! | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
-Yeah, well done. You woke the princess, huzzah for you. -Huzzah! | 0:23:10 | 0:23:15 | |
I'm covered in pie! | 0:23:15 | 0:23:16 | |
-Now, will you marry me? -No, I've got custard in my eyes! | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
Huh, I've a feeling we're going to live happily ever after. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
CHEERING | 0:23:24 | 0:23:28 | |
Well, the best bit for me was the end, but what did you think? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:34 | |
Well, that was a pantomime within a pantomime. What did you think? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:39 | |
Really funny and I just thought you shouldn't put pies on them! | 0:23:39 | 0:23:44 | |
-You shouldn't put pies on people?! Are you giggling? -Yes! | 0:23:44 | 0:23:49 | |
-Does it always make you giggle when you see a pie in someone's face? -No! | 0:23:49 | 0:23:53 | |
-Who would you most like to put a pie into? -Myself! -Yourself? | 0:23:53 | 0:23:57 | |
-You've got the giggles terrible, haven't you? -Yes! | 0:23:57 | 0:24:01 | |
-Do you want to sit down now? -Yes! -All right. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
-Final word. -Pantozing. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
Pantozing, like it! | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
Boo! | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
You love me really. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
Now then, lad, you were about to fight me for my kingdom. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:21 | |
Yes! I'm the rightful ruler of this kingdom | 0:24:21 | 0:24:24 | |
and the truth is written right here in this scroll. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:28 | |
Stamp me fiddles and locks a laudies, got me there, | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
that's the truth in that scroll. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
Could bring down me entire kingdom. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
I need to get hold of it and totally destroy it, | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
-by chucking it in a hedge! Ha-ha-ha! -Boo! -Ooh! | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
You've done it now, lad. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
-Ooh, ooh, ooh! -Let's go! | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
Give it to me! Give that here! | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
-Ooh! -Hold it right there, lad. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Hand that over right now, or... | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
Or what? | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
Or this! LAUGHTER | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
-Nice picture! -Everybody say "cheese!" | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
-ALL: Cheese! -Lovely. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
Pip, you won the fight, you are the rightful ruler of the land! | 0:25:11 | 0:25:16 | |
CHEERING | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
And as the clocks chime midnight, | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
suddenly it became Christmas Day! | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
-CHEERING -It's snow time! | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
# So our story draws to a close | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
# Me crowned king Now everyone knows | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
-# I got banished -We both vanished... # | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
-And I was banned from appearing in any further pantos. -No, no! | 0:25:40 | 0:25:44 | |
# Deck the cells with boughs of holly | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
# Tra-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
# Stop all this It's far too jolly | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
# Tra-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
# Jingle bells Stuck in cells | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
# We're all locked away | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
# But there's fun for everyone | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
# When it's Christmas Day | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
# Oh, jingle bells Stuck in cells | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
# We're all locked away | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
# But there's fun for everyone When it's Christmas Day... # | 0:26:09 | 0:26:13 | |
You know, jailbirds, I think we should welcome back | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
the marvellous acts we've had in this panto show. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
The Big Bouncers! | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
Madeline the Christmas fairy, and the Potted Panto. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:26 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
Normally, we'd give them a cheer on the Clap-O-Meter, | 0:26:28 | 0:26:32 | |
which sends one act out of the Slammer to go free. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
But as it's Christmas, we're going to let them ALL go free! | 0:26:35 | 0:26:39 | |
-CHEERING -You're mad, sir! | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
Oh, cheer up, Kingy, it's Christmas! | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:44 | 0:26:45 | |
# We wish you a Slammer Christmas We wish you a Slammer Christmas | 0:26:45 | 0:26:50 | |
# We wish you a Slammer Christmas As we're stuck in here | 0:26:50 | 0:26:54 | |
# Now bring sloppy ploppy porridge Now bring sloppy ploppy porridge | 0:26:54 | 0:26:59 | |
# Now bring sloppy ploppy porridge And squish it right here! # | 0:26:59 | 0:27:06 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
Merry Christmas, everybody! Merry Christmas! | 0:27:10 | 0:27:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
Well, Frank, that seemed to go quite well. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:33 | |
Yes, not bad. Not bad at all, sir. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
-I'll go get my costume off. -Right you are, sir. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:39 | |
-See you in a minute. -Sir. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
I might just leave mine on a bit, actually. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
REGAL MUSIC PLAYS | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
Oh, yes. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 |