Sleepy Ted The Slammer

'Dear Mum, I thought I'd let Mr Hungry, write a few words to say hello.'

GNARLING

"I eated it!" You stupid... Right.

'This week's show was the best Freedom Show since last week.

'There were some astonishing feats.

CHEERING

-'Some astonishing feet.

-CHEERING

'And someone astonishing Pete. That's me.'

Stop mucking about!

'Oh, and it was nearly the end for the Gov. Basically, what happened was...'

GNARLING

"I eat a pencil again!"

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste.

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Sir?

Are you in there, Sir? Sir, are you alright?

Aaaaaaaargh!

Oh, shut up.

-Sir!

-Is that you, Frank?

Yes, Sir. What's happened, Sir? You better sit down, Sir.

Not yet, Sir.

-Oh, Frank, Frank. Oh!

-Are you alright?

-I haven't slept a week for days. I've been so worried.

-Me, too, Sir.

But then I discovered this.

"Its unique formula of pro anti-ceramides

"visibly reduce the signs of aging,

"thus leaving the skin as smooth as a baby's bottom, Sir.

No! I've been worried because there's an inspector coming from the Ministry of Merriment.

Of course, Sir.

If they find something wrong with The Slammer we'll be out of a job.

-What are we going to do, Frank?

-All right. Calm down, Sir.

Let's take this one step at a time, shall we?

Let's confirm today's Freedom Show... SNORING

He's gone. Emergency percussion, Gimbert.

Well done. LOUD CRASH

-Stay with us, Sir. Right, act one?

-Micro Jackson.

Check.

LOUD CRASH Act two?

-Er, Voodoo Unicycles.

-Check.

LOUD CRASH Act three, Sir?

-Sir Wheel.

-Check.

LOUD CRASH Act four, Sir?

Szechuan chicken and a spring roll.

No, no, no. Stay with us, Sir. Hang in there. Freedom Show act four, Sir?

-Urban Edge MCs.

-Check.

Right, well, that's all the acts for today's Freedom Show.

All you've got to do is get a bit of shut eye before the show

and there'll be nothing to worry about

from the inspector shutting us down, Sir.

I'm so tired, I think I'm starting to hallucinate.

Whatever gives you that idea, Sir?

Everything will be fine if I can just get some sleep.

Governor, it's me. Peter. Governor?

-That's weird. Somebody's lent your light bulb.

-Go away, Peter!

-Don't worry. I happen to have my giant torch with me.

-Aaaargh!

What are you doing down there? Stop mucking about.

I brought my new puppet to meet you. Meet Mr Foggy!

-Go away!

-That's not very nice, is it, Mr Foggy?

Right, that's it, I'm going! I've had enough. I'll get no sleep here.

-I think he likes you.

-SQUEALING

Naughty!

Now this is perfect.

The room's dark, the cell's quiet, a scary man in the corner...

Oh, it's you, Peregrin Pogo. Do us a favour, Pogo. Hop it!

Finally, sweet dreams.

-Attention, prisoner. Time for daily punishment.

-Frank, it's me.

-Hello, Sir.

-No, it's me, Frank.

-Indeed it is, Sir.

-Frank, stop it!

I can't do that, Sir. Regulation 16.

"Prisoners in solitary confinement are subject to a daily punishment."

Rules is rules, Sir! Besides, it's my favourite bit of the day.

-The quicker it's done, the quicker it's over.

-The quicker what's done?!

Move it!

-But, Frank, it's raining. I'll get wet.

-You'll get wet all right, Sir.

-Frank, there must be some other way.

-I'm afraid not, Sir.

I can't take any chances with this inspector coming, can I?

-But, Frank, I'm wearing my pam-jams.

-All right, Sir, seeing as it's you.

-Oh, thanks, Frank.

-You can leave them on.

Leave them on? What do you mean?!

No! No! Get off! Get off, Frank!

-All right, Sir, that's the test phase over with.

-The test phase?!

Right, Gimbert, crank it up to full pressure and let's see what this bad boy can do.

Noooo!

No, not that way, Sir. Turn around, Sir. One arm in there.

Straight through the tunnel, Sir. Now the shoes, Sir.

Jolly good. SNORING

He's gone again. Emergency percussion, Gimbert.

-Improvise, then. Improvise!

-Tssshhh!

It's just a case of mind over matter, Sir.

-But I don't mind and it doesn't matter.

-Oh, it does matter, Sir.

The inspector has arrived from the Ministry of Merriment.

-She's sitting now, Sir.

-Look nice?

SINISTER MUSIC

It's hard to tell, but you're due on stage any minute now.

But, Frank, how am I going to stay awake during the show?

We'll think of something, Sir. Right, how do you look?

-Sleepy.

-No, no, no.

-Just pull the lever, Sir.

-Very well. It's bedtime, er, showtime.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now, please welcome your host...' SNORING

It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the Governor?

-ALL: You are!

Sorry, jailers and jailbirds, I'm a little bit tired today.

-What's that?

-Coffee.

-Never mind that. I'll have the lot.

LAUGHTER

-That's better.

-BURP

Well, we've got some marvellous performing prisoners for you today.

We've got an act on unicycles. They're called Voodoo Unicycles.

ALL: Ooooh!

We've got a wheelie good act called Sir Wheel.

ALL: Ooooh!

We've got some happening DJs in the house called Urban Edge MCs.

ALL: Ooooh!

Now, my little wide-awake jailers and jailbirds,

prisoner appreciators, will you please make some noise

for an act that's hoping to go free from The Slammer?

Remember, only one act can go free, before I drop off.

Yes, he is Micro Jackson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yee hee!

Dee-de-da-da!

Aw!

Yee hee! Da!

LAUGHTER

# You have to show them that you're really not scared

# You're playing with your life, this ain't no truth or dare

# They'll get you, they'll beat you, they'll tell you it's fair

# So beat it, but you want to be bad

# So beat it (Beat it)

# Beat it (Beat it)

# No-one wants to be defeated

# Show them how funky and strong is your fight

# It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

# Just beat it, just beat it

# Just beat it, just beat it... #

Aw!

LAUGHTER

# Beat it (Beat it)

# Beat it (Beat it)

# No-one wants to be defeated

# Show them how funky and strong is your fight

# It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

# Just beat it! #

Aw!

LAUGHTER

# As he came into the window it was the sound of a crescendo

# He came into her apartment there were bloodstains on the carpet

# Annie, are you OK?

# Annie, are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

# Annie, are you OK?

# Annie, are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

# Annie, are you OK? There were bloodstains on the carpet

# Then you ran into the bedroom

# You were struck down, it was your doom

# Annie, are you OK?

# Annie, are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

# Annie, are you OK?

# Annie, are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

# You've been hit by You've been touched by

# A smooth criminal. #

Aw!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Micro Jackson. They were fabulous, weren't they?

But, at the end, were they the top banana or did they make monkeys out of themselves?

Let's see with Mr Burgess.

Micro Jackson, there. Big enough to walk free?

I liked the bit where the monkey threw bananas a lot.

-Do you think putting a monkey in an act adds comedy value?

-Yes, rather.

-Rather?

-Mm-hm.

-Rather so.

Governor. Governor!

What? Oh! Hello.

-So, this Micro Jackson, shall we let him go?

-Yes.

-Don't let anyone know I was asleep, will you?

-No.

-The inspector will find out.

And for one final word, sum that act up for me, chimpy.

Enthusiastic.

Enthusiastic, Sir! Just like you, Sir, obviously(!)

Well, it's on with the next performing prisoner act.

-They're so excited...

-SNORING

LAUGHTER

Sorry, jailers and jailbirds. Who is it? Oh, yes!

It's voodoo, hoodoo-voodoo, you-do-voodoo, with Voodoo Unicycles!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's find out what you thought of them, with Mr Burgess. Yeah!

Voodoo Unicycles, there. One wheel better than two, Sir?

Well, I liked the high jumps and the tricks. I thought it was awesome.

What made it awesome for you?

Well, I liked when they jumped from that high platform and jumped all the way down.

-Daredevil stuff?

-Yeah.

What did you think of Voodoo Unicycles?

I think it was really good and fantastic.

Aah.

-Boo!

-Aargh!

-Don't go to sleep.

-I'm not going to sleep.

-You better not.

I'm not. I wouldn't dare.

-Right, fill me in.

-Well, I thought they were quite good,

but they could have used a little bit more work.

Also, um, when that one over there, I don't know his name...

I don't know his name either. That one.

..when he was up there,

he was quite nervous and you could see him shaking.

Maybe he can work on that.

You know, it actually needed a lot more work, I would say, personally.

-Maybe they could put some bungee jumping in.

-You get all that?

Can you get some bungee jumping into it?

If you'd like to sum that act up for me in one word, Sir?

Slow-tastic.

Slow-tastic, Sir. Interesting!

Oh, I'm staying awake, just!

Right, it's time for the act we call Solitary Confinement.

CHEERING

These are the acts we keep down in the cell.

If they do well, we allow them a little treat.

If they don't perform well, it's back in their cell.

Today, the treat is, we've got them a lovely bowl of fresh, juicy plums.

Lovely plums. Mmm!

But, if they don't do well, they have a cruel and unusual punishment.

Mr Burgess!

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today's is being dangled over a pit of snapping crocodiles,

whilst doing their eight times table until they get it right, sir.

-Oh! We need a judge, Mr Burgess.

-What about you, sir?

-Step this way, sir.

-Give him a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

-What's your name?

-Connor.

-You're the judge, Connor.

It's time now for Solitary Confinement.

MUSIC

THUNDERCLAP

This is X-Ray Ray!

WHOOPING

Using only the power of his mind juice,

Ray will complete this wooden puzzle totally blindfolded.

DANCE MUSIC

You said you could do it!

BOOING

Oh dear, oh dear.

It's for you to decide. Remember, thumbs up, nice, juicy plums.

Thumbs down, snappy old sums.

Your time starts now.

What's it going to be? Show me, show me! Oh, it's down!

Oh! Take him back! I don't know!

BOOING

Connor, give him a round of applause for being the judge. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Two eights sixteen, then three... Ow! Sorry! Two! Ah! Whoo! Ah!'

SNAPPING AND SHRIEKING

BURP

Jailers and jailbirds, it's time for our next performing prisoner,

if I can stay awake long enough.

He's called Sir Wheel. Yeah!

APPLAUSE

TECHNO MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Uncle!

HE GAGS

Sir Wheel, there.

The Governor's just doing something, so...

So let's see what you thought with Mr Burgess.

Oh, that's me. I'll go over here.

Right. Sir Wheel. Was it wheely good?

I thought it was amazing and fantastic when he was so close to the ground and how he stayed on.

On a more important point, of course,

should he be released back into showbiz society?

-Yeah.

-Why?

Because, um, it was so good.

What did you make of that, Miss?

I think the things he done with the hoop was really excellent.

I can't even do hula-hooping.

You can't even do hula-hooping?

Have you got something to say, madam?

What's with the shades?

LAUGHTER

Yeah! What's with the shades? Why do you wear them sunglasses, lad?

Blinded by the lights, are we?

-Sum that act up in one word, sir.

-Anti-gravitational.

Anti-gravitational, sir!

Now have we got an act for you! Have we? Yes. Oh.

It's Urban Edge MCs!

We're going to do some freestyle rapping for you.

Nothing has been prepared whatsoever.

We're going to make everything up on the spot and put it into this rap, OK?

Give us a random word to use in this rap,

stick your hand up. We're going to start over here.

-What random word have you got?

-Macaroni.

-OK. That's a deep word.

-OK. Give us a word.

-Chicken.

-Chicken.

-Macaroni, chicken.

-What word have you got?

-Potato.

-Potato that's a great word.

-R2-D2.

-R2-D2.

-Cheese.

-Cheese.

-Terrific.

-Terrific.

-Wise.

-Wise. Excellent.

-OK, everyone. Here we go.

-Tomato.

-Tomato. That's the last word.

OK. All right, you ready for the freestyle? CHEERING

Let's do this! Whoo!

-BOTH: When we say free, you say style. Free.

-Style!

-Free.

-Style!

Nice to meet you. Testament. You don't know me.

This is Jack Flash and D, the one and only.

Of course we have the flows team, yo.

It's kind of funky like hungry macaroni.

Yo! Boys and girls, men and women.

This is where we start and it's right at the beginning.

You can guarantee when I'm on stage I am winning.

And I eat my competition like it was chicken.

Yo, I have to go. I've got the hardest flow. Yo, right to the top, like a potato.

Competition, I don't see you. Rise to the occasion, I guess I need to.

Believe me, because I believe you.

I could even bust the robot, R2-D2.

I'm R2-D2 and I know the robotics.

This is freestyle, I'm not an apologist.

Pay attention to my knowledge. Freestyle with D.

Urban MCs yes, believe, I am the big cheese.

Yes, and I know, and I've got to bust the lyric.

You said all the words so it has to be specific.

I know that you want it so I had to come and give it.

And after this you say that my rhyming style's terrific.

We never do crime. Yes indeed, we are the funkiest guys.

Use some knowledge, hopefully I'm wise.

Whether you're a northerner or you're a southerner,

check him, he's asleep - wake up, Governor!

Stop right now, I've got a hard flow and I squash rappers like a tomato.

-BOTH: When we say free, you say style. Free.

-Style!

-Free.

-Style!

Of course we spitting, yo, we living it large.

Be quiet for the Governor. Touch it, mister guard.

Of course a freestyle, higher to the treetops, hold on for a second,

I might just beatbox.

BEATBOXING

Yo, my name is Jack Flash, we are about to finish here.

When we step off the stage we disappear.

Testament the beatbox, he break it down.

We about to finish there, so we take a bow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's my cue!

I'm now getting the urges to find out what you think with Mr Burgess.

Oh yeah!

Urban Edge MCs, there. What did you think of that?

Fascinating and intriguing. They would definitely get my vote.

What did you think of that performance?

I think it was cool and extremely talented.

-Is it the kind of thing you can do, madam? Rapping there?

-No!

I'm not asking you any more. What about you, Miss? What did you make of Urban Edge MCs, there?

-I thought it was brilliant.

-Do you want a rewind?

Do you get me? LAUGHTER

Did you like that act? Urban Edge MCs?

I think it was quite good because we gave them some words

and they managed to put it in a rap.

-Yeah. Could you put a word in a rap?

-No.

-I like to put chicken and peppers and some nice sauce in a wrap.

-LAUGHTER

-One final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

-Rappertalento.

Rappertalento, sir!

It's time to decide who goes free. Let's welcome them all back on stage.

Yes! Micro Jackson and his monkey. The Voodoo Unicycles, they're there.

Sir Wheel and Urban Edge MCs.

It will be decided with this, Gimbert's all-patented clapometer.

You make the noise, it turns it into points. The highest points go free.

Who's it going to be? First out, never seen an act like this before.

Would you please make some noise for Micro Jackson and his monkey!

SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE

What a fabulous score. Well done. 93.8.

He could be going free.

The next performing prisoners were very jumpy, very bouncy. They were the Voodoo Unicycles.

SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, lads! Lads, you're going to be staying in for supper.

It's a great score. To get in the nineties is really good.

I've never seen an act like this one before. So original.

Round and round he went. It was Sir Wheel.

SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE

Another ninety. You're right there, Gimbert. 90.6.

Still in the lead, ahead of Voodoo Unicycles, it's Micro Jackson.

Just one performing prisoner act can go free.

Jailers and jailbirds, make your noise known for the Urban Edge MCs.

SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE

It's close. It's so close I don't believe. 93.2. Just in the lead.

Oh, lads. Micro Jackson, you're going free.

Off you go, lads.

-Give him a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds. Give them a big cheer.

-SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE

It was very close, lads, but it means you are staying with us.

The good news is you're just in time for tea.

-Mr Burgess.

-Yes, I'm just on the phone to the kitchen now.

I'm with chef now.

Sounds delicious, chef. I can smell it from here. Lovely.

-Thank you.

-What is it?

-Sloppy ploppy porridge, sir.

-Oh!

Take them to the cells. Give them a big cheer.

And a round of applause.

Off you go. Great competition. Well done, lads.

There they are. Remember those very important words.

If you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

AUDIENCE: Don't do the crime!

Tatty-bye, everybody! Tatty-bye!

# That's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

-So, did we pass the inspection?

-With flying colours, sir.

-Fantastic!

-You were awarded Governor of the Century, sir.

-Wow!

-And Gimbert won a lifetime achievement prize.

-Gimbert?

-Hm.

Oh, hang on a minute.

-This is a dream, isn't it?

-Indeed it is, sir.

Aah! So, did we pass the inspection?

EVIL LAUGH

Aaah! Oh! Uh!

Oh. Ah!

It was just a dream.

KLAXON SOUNDS

HE SCREAMS