Trouble in Store The Slammer

"Dear Mother, as I never go on holiday,

"I thought I'd send you this postcard from HMP Slammer.

"One of my favourite views - solitary confinement,

"F Block.

"Never tire of it.

"Anyway, on this week's Freedom Show,

"we had the cream of the crop..." CHILDREN SCREAM

-"..a bit of a flop..."

-Stay!

"..and was all over the shop, quite literally."

-The show is over! Cancelled!

-CHILDREN BOO

"It all happened like this... Pay attention."

THEME TUNE

# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you come And serve your time

# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So come, fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish off your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer #

We've got a Freedom Show on today.

We've got Zoo Youth,

Hull High Flyers,

John Kimmons,

and Valik and Valerik.

So no, now is not a good time to answer questions

on switching my electricity supplier!

Besides which, I've got a lot on my plate!

Governor! Aisle five! Baked beans! Get stuck in!

-What?

-You heard me! Bring 'em in!

HE SHRIEKS What's all this, sir?

This chap's behaving like he owns The Slammer.

Well, technically, I do!

Len Bogoff, supermarket owner and proprietor.

And from today, this entire building is our new branch of...

-..Slammerfields!

-Slammerfields, sir?!

-"Low quality food at high prices".

-JAUNTY JINGLE

-Shouldn't that be the other way around?

-No!

I'm going to put groceries in the Auditorium,

a bakery in Solitary

and this office will make a cracking delicatessen.

-W-W-What about all the inmates?

-Ahh, we're rehabilitating them

as checkout assistants.

You should see the speed at which a juggler can scan a tin of sweetcorn!

But we're supposed to have a Freedom Show today.

Ahh, yes. Well, we're going to have to make an exception.

-The Freedom Show will go ahead.

-HE SIGHS IN RELIEF

BUT it will be the last one!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

The last Freedom Show ever? There must be something I can do!

Yes, there is! Get cracking with these beans!

5,000 cans, aisle five, labels to the front.

And don't eat the merchandise!

4,334, 4,335...

"Staff announcement! Would Gimbert stop scanning his head? Thank you."

-Four... Four, three...

-HE SIGHS

One, two...

And what next? You'd like me to file your feet for you?

Shower you in rose petals while I massage your little pinkies?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Why don't you get in the prison yard and give me 50 laps!

You snivelling little moaner! Go!

I was only looking for cat food!

-Frank.

-Oh, sir!

-A word...

-Yes, sir?

At Slammerfields, we are always here to help.

-Help, sir?

-Help, Frank. That means going out of our way

to make things easier for someone else.

Ahh, yes! Novel concept, sir.

Personally, I can't ever see it catching on, sir.

-Well, Frank, here's the thing... It has caught on.

-Oh.

If you don't want to be cleaning out the bogs for the rest of your life,

I suggest you wise up to it! Capeesh?

-Excuse me, where are the prunes?

-Capeesh, sir.

-Aisle six, sir. Anything else I can help you with?

-No, thanks.

HE CHUCKLES

No, no, please allow me to get that for you.

CRASH, BANG

Ha! That is damaged goods, Gimbert.

-£500!

-Sorry, Mr Len.

Sorry, Gimbert, but "sorry" isn't good enough!

That money is coming out of your wages for the next two years!

Why aren't you working? We can't afford to keep customers waiting!

I can't afford to let you turn us into a shoddy rip-off merchants!

Voted the best shoddy rip-off merchants in the high street!

No! I won't do it! This is an entertainment prison!

We do impressions and juggling and acrobatics!

Not two-for-one offers on foot cream!

-CUSTOMERS: Ooh!

-No, that offer's expired!

Well, it's your choice, Governor! If you don't, you're fired!

So, what's it to be? Shape up or ship out!

-Do you have a loyalty card, sir?

-HE LAUGHS

Oh, Titch, this is awful. "You're telling me!"

Working in a supermarket freezer is bad enough, but sleeping in it...

-Look at my PJs!

-PJS CRACKLE

Right! Two-minute break in here, gents, starting now!

Hold on a minute! Regulations say we get an hour in a heated staffroom.

Well, regulation's changed, OK?

And there's a spillage in the nappy aisle that needs clearing up, Frank!

Was it you? "No, sir."

-Out of my way! Too warm in here!

-THEY SHUDDER

DOOR CLANKS

Dear, oh, dear. To think it's come to this.

20 years a prison governor and here I am carrying kumquats.

-It's a kiwi, actually, sir.

-Thanks, Frank.

That Len's such a bully! He's got me working a 26-hour shift, every day!

He's got me greeting people! I never knew such a thing existed, sir!

Oh, come on, everyone, what's happened to our get-up-and-go?

It's got up and gone.

We can't let them close The Slammer down. We can stand for this.

-I could crouch!

-THEY SHUDDER

I think I've got a plan. Gather round, listen carefully.

THEY WHISPER

It's the last ever Freedom Show.

-How do I look?

-Past your sell-by date, sir.

Thank you very much. Well, it's opening time.

JAUNTY JINGLE

"Customer announcement, welcome to HMP Slammerfields,

"the only supermarket where you can buy one and set one free!

"Please welcome the Employee of the Month,

"The Governor!"

CHEERING

-Who's The Governor?

-ALL: You're The Governor!

Hello, jailers and jailbirds!

Or should I say "my chuckling checkout assistants"?

"Customer announcement.

"Double Slammer points all week on wet sauces."

Thank you very much! We've got some wonderful acts.

-We've got the Hull High Flyers!

-ALL: Ooh!

We've got a most unusual act. He can talk in a most peculiar way,

-it's John Kimmons.

-ALL: Ooh!

And an act, originally all the way from Russia,

-it's Valik and Valerik.

-ALL: Oooh!

But now, jailers and jailbirds,

they're youthful, they're in a zoo, so we call them Zoo Youth!

CHEERING

ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC

CHEERING

BREAKDANCE MUSIC

BREAKBEAT MUSIC

# Girl, I must...

# Poison, poison, poison... #

ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC

CHEERING

Zoo Youth there. Very athletic, very lively, wasn't it?

But did they do enough to go free?

Zoo Youth there. Pride of lions or pack of mandrills?

-I thought it was really cool.

-You'd like to see more of that?

-Yes.

-Released back into showbiz society?

-Yes.

-You don't think we should keep them and polish that up a bit more?

-Yes!

-You're just saying yes to everything, aren't you?

-Yes.

What do you think of Zoo Youth?

-I think it was super awesome.

-Yes?

-Fun-awesome.

-Van-awesome?

It's a combination between fantastic and awesome!

-Are you making up your own language, sir?

-Yes!

-Zoo "Yoot"!

-What about 'em?

-Bit of attitude, missy?

-Yeah.

Up you get. We've got somewhere to put people like you.

CHEERING

In! Stay there.

-What about you, sir?

-It was very funky and very active.

-Do your teachers like you to be funky and active?

-No.

-What do they like you to be?

-Sensitive.

Show me your sensitive side, sir. Ooh, that's sensitive.

-I'm that moved, you can have a pear.

-Thanks.

-They're on special.

-Sum that act up for me, miss!

-'Swicked.

-'Swicked, sir.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, onto our next performing prisoner act -

Could you keep the noise down? We can't hear ourselves think!

Sorry about that, Len. Mr Bogoff. Sorry.

By the way, Mr Bogoff, Peter Nokio wanted to see you in his cell.

-Something he wanted you to sign.

-Does he now? Right.

-See you later.

-See you later.

-Have a nice day.

Right, check out this next fabulous act.

They're originally from Hull. Say hi to the Hull High Flyers!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Like A G6" By Far East Movement (Instrumental)

DANCE MUSIC

LOUD CHEERING

I hope the Hull High Flyers do go free.

I'm sick of painting foot marks off the ceiling!

What did you think? Mr Burgess is on checkout.

Have they served their debt to society? Should they go free?

Definitely. They were fliptastic.

-What was tastic about their flipping?

-It was good.

They done loads of stunts.

-Right. Are you interested in a free offer on broccoli?

-No.

-No, thank you.

-Do you like broccoli?

-No.

-What did you think, sir?

-I think they high-flied me.

-They high-flied you, sir?

-Amazing. Ten out of ten.

-Their timing was brilliant.

-Very good.

Miss, what did you make of the Hull High Flyers?

-It was magnificent.

-Magnificent. PA SYSTEM DINGS

"Staff announcement. Baby sick in aisle three. Thank you."

I've got to go and clear that up.

-Tell us about the Hull High Flyers.

-It was really cool and awesome

with some amazing tricks.

-Do you think they've earned enough to go free?

-Yes.

They could jump over the wall any time they wanted!

-Could you sum that act up in one word?

-Ludicrous.

Ludicrous, sir! Indeed it was.

-You! What do you want?

-A chocolate delivery you need to sign for.

-Hang on, haven't I...?

-"Staff announcement.

-"Mr Bogoff to aisle one."

-There we are.

-Another one.

-Another one? I can't hang around all day!

-One more.

-I've got things to do! Busy, busy, busy!

Jailers and jailbirds, it's time for the act that we call

-Solitary Confinement!

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yes. The acts that we keep locked away.

These acts, we can't let them out into society,

or even let them into The Slammer. Except once in a while.

If they do well, they get a little treat.

Today's treat is, they get to wear a diamond tiara.

That'll be lovely.

If they don't, it's back to their cell for an unusual punishment.

-Mr Burgess!

-Sir!

-What is today's unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being squeezed into a bath of sloppy, ploppy porridge

with five sweaty sumo wrestlers, sir.

-Ooh, dear!

-ALL: Eurgh!

We need a judge. Mr Burgess, have you chosen an individual?

-What about this young lady?

-Give her a round of applause.

CHEERING

-What's your name?

-Elyse.

It's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!

-Come on, Elyse.

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

My name is Johnny Sizzle and I have an amazing performing sausage dog!

Well, we have to make him! Out of sausages! Cue the music!

-JAUNTY MUSIC

-There we go. One leg!

That's number-two leg there. Number-three leg.

There! Lovely. Last but not least is leg number four.

There he is. Lovely.

There he goes. One head there for him.

What about his tail? It's right there!

And a couple of ears, of course, so he can listen to my commands.

Right, are you ready? He does tricks.

Stay.

Sit.

Roll over and play dead.

And most importantly, disappear.

HE MUNCHES GREEDILY

-Ta-da!

-Any applause?

Anything? No?

-THEY BOO

-Oh, dear.

You have got to decide

whether he gets a treat or the unusual punishment.

Remember, thumbs up and it's a tiara.

Thumbs down, sloppy, ploppy porridge and sayonara.

Your five seconds starts... now.

Oh, straight away! He's going down!

Take him back! And she goes, as well.

Give her a round of applause - your judge.

GROANING

SUMO WRESTLERS SHOUT

CYMBAL CLANGS

Now onto our next performing prisoner act.

Jailers and jailbirds, it's John Kimmons!

CHEERING

-Hello, hello. Are you all right?

-ALL: Yes!

-Fantastic!

-I'm a ventriloquist. Do you know what that is?

-ALL: Yes!

I thought I could use somebody as my...

You would like to? Give him a round of applause. Come and join me.

You, as well? We'll have you on this side.

You stay there. Take your hats off for me, gentlemen.

He looks keen. I'm quite scared of you.

This is a little mask. We'll put it on your face.

It goes on the frontal area of the nasal region. Are you OK?

-Oh, yes!

-Are you all right?

-Yes!

-Give everybody a wave.

-Hello! Nice to see you! Hello! Hello!

You've got the best. I'm jealous of this one.

Look at that! Fantastic!

This is a little wig. I'm sure nobody wants to wear this.

-I do!

-What did you say?

-I said I do!

-You want to wear that?

-Yes, I do. It'll bring back so many memories!

Good.

That goes on there. Look at that.

-# Memories, like the corners of my mind #

-Yes.

We've got to finish my act off. What are you going to do?

We're going to sing a song.

-You're singing together?

-BOTH: Yes.

I'll count to three and you can take it away.

Ladies and gentlemen, one, two -

# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it #

-Hey?!

-THEY LAUGH

-Wait a minute. Did I count to three?

-No, you didn't.

-I didn't, did I?

-I'm sorry. That's the end of the act now.

-Aww!

-I want a go.

-You want a go?

-I want to do a solo.

All right.

One, two, three.

Yes! # I'm a little teapot Short and stout

-# Here is my handle... #

-Ahh!

-# And here is my spout # Whoo-hoo.

-Yes!

# When the kettle's boiling Hear me shout

# Life me up and pour

# Me-ee-ee...

# Meeeeeee...

# Out #

Hey! He did it again! Give them a round of applause!

Weren't they great? Thank you!

CHEERING

There we are! He was throwing his voice.

But should we throw him out of The Slammer? Let's find out.

Amazing voices or difficult choices?

It was very funny and something you should laugh at.

-Is that a direct order?

-Yes.

An unusual ventriloquist. What did you think?

It was well funny because he made them look like monkeys.

They did, didn't they? That's quite easy with Gimbert.

-Do you think he did enough to go free?

-Yes.

-What about you, sir?

-I thought it was really funny and, er, amazing.

What about you, sir? Could you do a ventriloquist act?

-Hello.

-Tell us what you thought of John Kimmons.

-Very good.

-Has he done enough to go free?

-I think so.

-Yes.

One final word, sir?

-Hello, yes!

-Hello, yes, sir!

-Well, trilling till inspectors -

-Right! That's it, Governor!

I've had enough. We have a loo roll delivery coming.

-The show is over! Cancelled!

-THEY BOO

Don't boo me! I am the owner of this supermarket!

Not so fast, Bogoff.

Watch your language. I'm your boss.

Not any more. I have in my hand a contract,

giving control of The Slammer back to The Governor, signed by you.

No, no, no. That is a chocolate deliv...

You've tricked me! I'll be speaking to my lawyers!

Also, I've got a letter saying you won't be speaking to your lawyers,

-signed by you.

-Outrageous!

This is not the last you'll be hearing from me!

Oh, and a promise note saying this will be the last we hear from you.

Mr Bogoff, why don't you bog off?!

-Bye!

-Stop laughing now!

-Well done, Peter.

Well, jailers and jailbirds,

we've still got a Freedom Show to do!

One more fabulous act before you decide who goes free.

Let's hear it, it's Valik and Valerik!

CHEERING

LULLABY MUSIC "Go To Sleep"

HE WHISTLES

JAUNTY MUSIC

CHEERING

DRUM ROLL

JAUNTY MUSIC

CHEERING

What did you think about it? Let's find out with Mr Burgessov.

-Some call it entertainment. I call it getting dressed. You?

-Fantastic.

-Will they be getting your vote?

-Yes.

-Why?

-Because when he tried to put the tie on, he nearly fell off.

-And he landed it perfectly.

-He landed it perfectly.

-Did you enjoy them?

-Yes, I really liked them.

-The balance was fabulous.

-Good balance.

Fancy going to sleep on a wire! Can you imagine that?

THEY GIGGLE

-What did you make of that act?

-Stringly amazing.

-Stringly amazing?

-Yes.

Define the word "stringly".

-Because he was on string.

-Because he was on string. OK.

-What about you, sir?

-I thought it was very mimey.

-Mimey!

I thought it was amazing and I have to see it straight away.

If you could sum it up in one facial expression, what would it be?

-Sum that act up for me in one word.

-Brilliant.

-Brilliant, sir.

We're back in action at The Slammer.

Four fantastic performing prisoner acts,

please show your appreciation for all of them

as they come back onto the stage!

Zoo Youth! The Hull High Flyers!

John Kimmons! Over there you go. There we are, folks.

And, of course, Valik and Valerik bringing up the rear.

Only one performing prisoner act can go free.

Who's it going to be? We decide with this,

Gimbert's all-patented Clap-o-meter.

The more noise you make, the higher the score. The highest goes free.

There was ten of them. Will they be going out?

Let's hear your noise for the fantastic Zoo Youth!

What a great score. Wow. 94.3. Wonderful.

Well, just two of these lads.

Will they bounce out of The Slammer? Let's hear it for Hull High Flyers!

It's close. 94.1. Ooh!

So close. You're staying for tea.

At the moment, in the lead it's Zoo Youth.

Let's hear it, please, for John Kimmons!

I think he's gone in the lead by three. I've never known it so close.

Oh, he's gone into the lead.

There's just one performing prisoner act to go.

Jailers and jailbirds, check out please Valik and Valerik.

Ohh! Such high scores. They're in the 90s, as well.

But just by .3, it's John Kimmons!

-CHEERING

-You're free to go.

Jailers and jailbirds, that means the rest of them stay for tea.

Mr Burgess, what's for tea today?

We sent Big Norris out for a takeaway.

-What did he get?

-I don't know. He hasn't come back, sir.

-Oh, dear.

-I've had to ask Chef to rustle up something.

-What is it?

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge!

-Ohh! Back to the cells!

Give a big round of applause, everybody!

Zoo Youth... Give it to the Hull High Flyers.

Remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

ALL: Don't do the crime!

Goodbye, everybody!

# It's the only way you'll ever Leave The Slammer #

-Nice to have The Slammer back to normal.

-Absolutely, sir.

-Bottle of pop?

-Why not, sir?

-There you go.

-That's 49p.

-How much?!

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