Slammer Grannies The Slammer

"Dearest Mama, what a nightmare week we've had."

"Your mother turned up out of the blue and systematically managed

"to dis...

"to delight and charm the entire prison

"and we all enjoyed a wonderful show."

DANCE MUSIC

# Ro-ma-mah, ro-mah-mah. #

DANCE MUSIC

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

"Finally, we got rid of the old...

"She decided to leave."

"I've slipped on my pan pipe CD

"and I'm resting with my feet in a bucket of warm nuts."

"Ah, the simple pleasure of life. Finally I can relax."

SIREN

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

FIREWORKS

EXPLOSION

SIREN

AMBULANCE SIREN

CRASH!

-GRANNIES:

-Ooh!

Look at that. Oh, I say!

THEY "OOH AND AH"

-Gimbert, what's going on?!

-It wasn't me, Uncle, honest!

-It was my grandma. She's not a good driver, you see.

-Ugh...

Jeremy, give me a kiss!

Suddenly everything makes sense.

Ah, sir. Allow me to present my grandmother, sir.

This is ex-warrant officer Dolly Burgess, formerly of the Chindits.

-Oh, uh...

-Attention!

Tea to be made, on the double!

Left, right, left, right, left, right...

Would someone tell me what's going on here?

Here he is, bossing everybody about.

-Oh! Nana Governor, what are you doing here?

-We thought we'd come visit.

-You never write, you never call.

-But I'm at work!

Oh, there he goes showing off again.

Now just tell me, what have you got on the show this week?

Well, we've Granny Turismo...

..Twist and Pulse...

DANCE MUSIC

..Slush...

and Pup Choir.

# Oh-ooh-oh-ooh-whoaaa! #

Isn't he cute?

-Oh.

-Oh, I love him!

-No, no!

-Ew!

-Oh, a beautiful boy, he is.

-Yeah.

-Come on, girls. Let's go.

-Bye-bye.

Yes. No, thank you.

I tried everything, turning off the heating,

telling them there's no more tea. They just won't go!

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Oh...

-All right, all right. All right, calm down. Don't panic.

-What the flaming heck's gone off in here, sir?

-Oh, Frank!

Look at the state of it.

This is all I need.

-WOMEN:

-Oh! Look at it.

He were just the same at home, never tidied his bedroom.

-He hasn't changed a bit.

-It wasn't me!

-Oh, yes.

-A likely story.

-You should be ashamed of yourself.

-I had nothing to do with it!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, what now? Excuse me, ladies. Just coming through.

Thank you, sorry. Mind your bourbons.

HE GASPS

-Good grief, sir!

-I don't understand it, I was in here ten minutes ago.

I put your breakfast pasty here, your ironed underpants here,

-and the moisturiser you liked...

-Yeah, enough, enough.

We don't need to go into all that. Oh, I just need a moment to think.

-WOMEN:

-Oh! What have you done this time?

-We've told him before.

Never had any respect for people's property.

For the last time, it wasn't me!

The only person that's been in this office...

is him!

I told you, Uncle, it wasn't me. Your pants. Ask anyone, ask Grandma.

I can absolutely vouch for my grandson.

Really?

-See?

-Mr Burgess, lock up that nephew.

-Sir.

About face, lad. Off you go.

-Uncle!

-Such a nice lad.

-That's not fair.

-He's lovely.

HE CRIES

I don't understand it, Frank.

My nephew might have a screw loose but he's not a criminal.

Well, if not him, sir, then who?

INAUDIBLE CHATTER

There's only one way to find out.

Are all the cameras in place, Mr Burgess?

All hidden and live, sir, and the door to the cell wide open.

Excellent.

BOTH: No!

SHE CHUCKLES

This is what I've been waiting for. Are you ready, girls?

THEY SHRIEK

Look at this mess! You've done it again.

Don't come that with me, Grandma.

-You three have been well and truly rumbled.

-Ah.

-Oh.

Attention?

-That's not going to work this time, is it, Grandma?

-Mr Burgess?

-Ha!

Lock these three up. They're the troublemakers.

You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

ALARM SOUNDS

Oh! How do I look?

-Lovely.

-You look lovely, darling.

Thank you very much. It's show time!

SHOUTING AND LAUGHTER

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now please welcome your host. He's... Hello, can I help you?

-Um, I'm looking for the toilet.

-Ah, yes.

Back the way you came, down the corridor,

-and it's third on the left.

-Thank you.

It's The Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's The Governor?

-ALL:

-You're The Governor!

Oh, my little jailers and jailbirds, it's lovely to see you.

And as you can see, we've got one or two, shall we say,

slightly more mature members of the audience amongst us.

Hello to you, as well.

We've got a great show for you, marvellous performing prisoners,

and you will decide which one will go free at the end of the show.

We've got marvellous acts like Twist and Pulse. Ooh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Slosh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-We've got a massive choir called Pop Choir!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

But now, in honour of all the grannies out there,

show your appreciation for Granny Turismo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS

TYRES SQUEAL

CHEERING

MUSIC: "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer

THEY REV ENGINES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Granny Turismo, there. But I don't know, what did you think of them?

Were they groovy or gravy? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Right then, Granny Turismo, give me your thoughts, miss.

I think they're really weird and they should be living

in the mad lands.

LAUGHTER

-Where are the mad lands exactly, miss?

-On a map somewhere.

-On a map somewhere? Just at the end of Bonkers Lane, is it?

-Yeah.

-What did you make of the act?

-Um, funny and crazy.

Were they like your granny?

No, they were completely mad because if you left them

out on the street they would probably run over someone.

Yeah, I'd quite agree with you.

Have they done enough to go free cos they've been in a long time?

No, I'll keep them in.

GRUMBLING

Oooh, they're revving up their engines. They're going!

-Crazy!

-Crazy?

-Yes. Completely mad.

-Did you enjoy it?

Yes. Funny.

What did you think, madam?

It was always, like, brum brum and it sounded like they were farting.

LAUGHTER

No offence!

For one final word, sum that act for me, miss?

Ridonculous.

What?!

I think it's ridonculous.

Ridonculous, sir.

Well, jailers and jailbirds and naughty nanas

and groovy grannies alike,

another performing prisoner act for you. Twist and Pulse!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Twist and Pulse.

-Where's Twist?

-I'm here.

(RAPS) Every now and then I...

I don't even rap... With their hands up.

Ever wanted something so bad, you would sell your soul?

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-Go with it.

# Saturday

# Saturday

# Saturday night

# Saturday night... #

# I've got a black BM

# She got a white TT

# She wanna see what's hiding

# In my CK briefs... #

# Oh Mickey, you're so fine

# You're so fine you blow mind Hey, Mickey

# Hey Mickey... #

# Yo I'll tell you what I want What I really really want

# So tell me what you want What you really really want

# I want to huh, I want to huh I want to huh, I want to huh

# I wanna really really really Wanna zigazig ah. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My word. There we are. What did you think of that?

Let's find out right now.

Right then. Twist and Pulse,

once described as the future of British entertainment.

Would you agree?

I think they were really nice, cool and a bit crazy.

Did you like that in them, sir, that bit of craziness?

Yeah, but I think they could improve it.

At the moment, you think a bit more work, don't let them out?

Yeah, don't let them out.

-Have you ever thought about joining the prison service, sir?

-No...

cos I'm a kid.

-Tell us what you thought of Twist and Pulse.

-They made my pulse twist

and turn and I really love them.

So score out of 10?

-11.

-Marvellous.

Now, madam, what did you make of Twist and Pulse?

-They were brilliant.

-Really?

-Fabulous act.

-The sort of thing you'd pay money to see?

-Definitely. Definitely.

If they could show me a few moves as well, would be even better.

-Did you enjoy that?

-Yes, the act was very robot-y and very funny.

-Can you do that kind of dancing?

-Erm...

-Just show us.

Stand up. Put your pad down. Just do us a little bit here.

There you go. Look at that.

-What did you think, lads?

-CHEERING

Liz, could you sum that act up for me in one word? One! Just the one.

-Brillianto.

-Brillianto, sir.

It's time for the act that we call Solitary Confinement.

SCREAMING

All the screams and the wails, yes, Solitary Confinement,

the darkest, deepest part of The Slammer where we keep the acts so terrible

we can't let them out into the community. But if they do well,

we let them out maybe for a little while and give them a treat.

Today, the nice treat is a day's pass out of The Slammer.

They can go out on the town, just for one day.

But if they don't do well,

they go back to the cell for a cruel and unusual punishment.

Oh, Mr Burgess...

HE SHOUTS

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today's is having their legs waxed

whilst rehearsing the hokey cokey, sir.

-Ooh. Who is to be the judge? A young person of discernment?

-What about this young man here, sir?

Yes, he looks discerning. Give him a round of applause, please.

Up he comes. Here we are.

APPLAUSE

Don't milk it. What's your name?

-Ben.

-Have you got a thumb.

Yes, you've got a thumb. That's what you need

because it's time for Solitary Confinement. Come on.

THEY BLOW RASPBERRIES

Come on. Here we go.

Here we are. Well...

Now it's up to you young men to decide.

Remember, thumbs up and it's a day off chokey.

Thumbs down, it's pulling hairs with the hokey cokey.

LAUGHTER

You've got five seconds to decide. Your time starts now.

Oh, it's down.

It's a down. Take 'em away. He's given them a sentence.

Back to the cell.

AUDIENCE BOOS

-Go on. Nevermind threatening young people.

-Start the punishment.

WAXING NOISE

MAN: Aagh! Aagh!

< Uu-agh! Ugh!

Ooh!

< Aaaargh!

That's what it's all about.

Give Ben a round of applause, as well.

Well, on to our next performing prisoner act.

Put your hands together for two very clean convicts.

It's Slosh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

FAST, SLAPSTICK PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Paper!

Ready? Whey-hup!

Aaargh!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

APPLAUSE

Shower!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

AUDIENCE: Oh!

AUDIENCE: Ugh!

-My hat! My hat!

-It's here.

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Come down!

AUDIENCE: Oh!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

ROADRUNNER: Yabadee, yabadee, that's all, folks!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Whatever you say about them, they were a very clean act, weren't they?

Shall we let them out? What do you think?

Slosh or slop?

Truly, very, very, very weird.

What was weird about it? It was old-fashioned entertainment.

Well, they looked weird.

Would you like to take home some slosh?

There you are.

There we are, lovely. Did you enjoy the act?

Yeah, they were stupidly entertaining.

I'd have them to my house because they'd bring so much fun.

-Madam.

-Sir.

-Did you enjoy it?

-I did.

-Should we set them free?

-Set them free.

We could do with happiness like that on the streets today.

-We certainly could.

-Did you enjoy Slosh?

They were excellent and I'd like to see them again.

-Sum that act up, Miss.

-Flabbergasted.

-Flabbergasted.

It's the biggest choir we've ever had in The Slammer.

Here they are, it's Pop Choir!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Caught in a bad romance

# Ra-ra, ah-ah-ah, roma-ro-ma-ma

# Ga-ga, ooh, la-la

# Want your bad romance

# I want your horror, I want your design

# 'Cos you're a criminal as long as you're mine

# And I want your love

# Love, love, love, I want your love

# Hey!

# I want your love and I want your revenge

# You and me could write a bad romance

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# I want your loving, all your lover's revenge

# You and me could write a bad romance

# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Caught in a bad romance

# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh, on-oh-oh

# Caught in a bad romance

# I want your love and I want your revenge

# Je veux ton amour

# I don't want to be friends

# Want your romance

-# Caught in a bad romance

-Want your bad romance

# I want your loving and I want your revenge

# You and me could write a bad romance

# Oh- oh- oh- oh

# I want your loving, all your lover's revenge

# You and me could write a bad romance

# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Caught in a bad romance

# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# Caught in a bad romance

# Ra-ra, ah-ah-ah-ah

# Roma-ro-ma-ma

# Ga-ga, ooh, la-la

# Want your bad romance. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Round them up. There's hundreds of them

But will they be going free?

I hope so. Let's find out what you thought with Mr Burgess.

-Pop Choir, Miss, what did you make of it?

-Absolutely amazing.

Whoo!

All right, settle down. Why was it amazing?

24 of them singing all at once, dancing at the same time,

it was amazing.

-What did you think?

-I thought it was brilltastically fantastical.

-In real words, what did you think of that choir?

-Amazing.

-What about you, sir?

-I thought it was very good.

-Why did you like it, sir?

-It was loud.

-You like things loud, sir?

-Yes.

-SHOUTING: Do you prefer it like this, sir?

-Yes.

-Oh, right.

-What about that choir? Your type of thing?

-Very much so, lovely voices.

-Shall we let them go?

-Definitely.

-They get your vote?

-Yes.

-Marvellous.

-Sum that act up in one word, madam?

-Melodious.

Thank you, Madam. Melodious.

Brilliant, all those acts. Let's welcome them back on stage, please.

Granny Tourismo,

Twist and Pulse,

the brilliant clowns - Slosh, of course,

and Pop Choir.

Yes, you'll help decide who goes free with this Clap-o-meter.

The more noise you make, the higher the score.

First, in honour of all our groovy grannies,

they were Granny Tourismo!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, yes. A good score.

73.7 is actually the average of their age as well, so very good.

Come over there, 73.7.

Next, two live wires.

They got the place twisting and pulsing.

They were Twist and Pulse!

LOUD SCREAMING

Wow! 90.4 for Twist and Pulse.

What a score! They scorch into the lead.

The next performing prisoners were my type of variety.

Let's hear it for Slosh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Sorry, lads, looks like you'll be back in your cell. Get wallpaper in.

But a good score, they're a good act. 72.8.

Next the biggest act we've ever seen in terms of numbers at The Slammer.

It was Pop Choir.

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

Yes! 76.7 but they haven't done enough.

Scorching into the lead, going free, a fantastic act,

Twist and Pulse, you're free to go. Off you go, lads.

Off you go, there they go.

Yes, but the good news for all of you lot is it's teatime.

What's for tea, Mr Burgess?

Sir, I'm not going to stand here and say it's sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-You're not?

-No, I'm going to sit here and say it's sloppy, ploppy porridge.

Take them back to their cells to their sloppy, ploppy porridge.

Give them a big hand, Pop Choir, Slosh and Granny Tourismo.

They go back to their cells, tucked up in bed, so take care of yourselves.

Remember if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

ALL: ..Don't do the crime!

Take care, everybody, bye-bye from The Slammer.

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-We'd better let them out, sir.

-Do we have to, Frank?

I think we should, Sir.

LAUGHTER

-What the...?

-Tea and crumpets?

Well, seeing as we're here.

KNUCKLES CRUNCH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media.