Slammer Uncovered The Slammer

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Today, I am here for an exclusive interview with Governor Ted Robbins

and senior prison officer Frank Burgess.

Governor, Mr Burgess, thanks for agreeing to this.

It's a great pleasure, Laura, and please call me Ted.

-Thanks, Ted it is. Mr Burgess, may I call you Frank?

-No.

OK. So, first question. What makes The Slammer so special?

Well, Laura, I am glad you asked me that, because The Slammer is

a unique institution that's solely for the rehabilitation of

performers who have committed crimes against the world of showbiz.

Does that mean that these entertainers are less

trouble than regular prisoners?

-Well, you see...

-Now, hold on, sir.

Let's not forget, these so-called entertainers are

common criminals and require dealing with accordingly.

Yes, Frank is rather old-school.

We do differ in our approach, yes.

I prefer the softly-softly way.

Whereas I prefer them marching in the exercise yard.

Masters of dance, until next time, complete.

-What an act, eh, Frank?

-Average, sir.

What were both of you doing before you came

to work here at The Slammer? Ted?

Oh, well, I was a showbiz baby, Laura. I was born in a trunk.

Well, I was born and my parents put me in a trunk.

But I have done the lot.

Juvenile, dancer, comedian, xylophone act, the lot.

Along the way, I have seen many fall by the wayside

and end up in places like The Slammer.

So I thought it was time to give something back

to my fellow performers.

Plus, the hours are good and I have my own sauna.

Mr Burgess, what did you do before The Slammer?

-British Army, 20 years, man and boy, RASC.

-Royal Army Service Corps?

No, Run Away, Someone's Coming.

So, have you never dreamt of being in showbiz yourself, Mr Burgess?

I have no ambition in that direction.

For me, it's all about the prison service.

Oh, Frank! I happen to know that he's a brilliant tap dancer.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Our viewers would love to see some tap dancing.

I'd love to see England win the World Cup, but it ain't going to happen.

I tell you what, while we enjoy Micro Jackson

and Theo Dari, Laserman, I will work on Mr Burgess.

See if he can show us his skills.

Come on, get those feet going.

# As he came into the window

# It was the sound of a crescendo

# He came into her apartment

# There were bloodstains on the carpet

# Annie, are you OK?

# Annie, are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

# Annie, are you OK? Annie, are you OK?

# Are you OK, Annie?

# He came into your apartment

# There were bloodstains on the carpet

# Then you ran into the bedroom

# You were struck down It was your doom

# Annie, are you OK? Annie, are you OK?

# Are you OK, Annie? Annie, are you OK?

# Annie, are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?

# You've been hit by... You've been struck by...a smooth criminal

# You've been hit by... You've been struck by...a smooth criminal. #

Mr Burgess, that was pretty impressive.

-Well, it's a gift, you know.

-It's amazing, Frank.

It reminded me of two spectacular acts we had

on The Freedom Show recently. Two Tricky, and Juggling On Tap.

-Marvellous, eh, Frank?

-I can take it or leave it, sir.

One criticism levelled at The Slammer is its security issues.

Recently, you've had a few escapes.

Well, maybe one or two, yes.

According to my figures, you've had 254 escapes over the past year.

I will admit to one or two security lapses.

But every prison loses a few inmates now and again.

I hear Pentonville is leaking like a sieve.

If I might interject, sir, as the senior prison officer.

I can now reveal that security has been completely tightened,

and it's impossible to escape from The Slammer.

-PHONE RINGS

-Get that, Frank.

-What do you mean, someone's escaped?

-Give it here. What's that, Gimbert?

Someone nipped out for some biscuits and left the door open?

We lost another six. Get down there, Frank.

I'll sort this out, sir.

Oh, dear, while, Mr Burgess sorts that out,

let's enjoy two more acts from recent Freedom Shows.

Granny Turismo and the Hull Highflyers.

Everything OK, Mr Burgess?

Yes, Frank. Did you manage to recapture those prisoners?

Unfortunately, we've lost three clowns, two jugglers,

and that fellow who does the amusing thing with the parakeet, sir.

I shall miss the parakeets.

Isn't that embarrassing for you, prisoners walking out the door?

I mean, it's frankly outrageous!

I agree with you, Laura, something must be done.

-So I suggest lunch. Pizzas on me?

-Oh, just a sec...

-Hello, Laudini's?

Governor from The Slammer, here.

Can I have two extra large pepperoni pizzas?

What about you, Frank?

I will have my usual, the Jardiniere, garlic bread on the side.

Thanks, ten minutes? Great.

I can't believe you ordered pizza in the middle of my interview.

It's all right, they deliver. While we wait, let's enjoy

some more marvellous performances from the Freedom Show.

Oh, what about your dough balls, sir?

We have to finish my act off. What will you do for us?

-We're going to sing a song.

-A song?

-Yeah.

-Are you going to do it?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Are you both singing?

-Yes, it's a duet.

-It's a duet?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-So, you're singing together?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

I will count to three, and you two can take it away with a song.

-So, here we go. One. Two.

-# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it. #

Eh?

-Wait a minute. Did I count to three?

-No, you didn't.

-I didn't, did I?

I'm sorry, that's the end of the act now.

-Oh. I want a go.

-You want a go?

-I want to do a solo.

-All right.

-So, one. Two. Three.

-Yes!

# I'm a little teapot Short and stout

# Here is my handle

-# And here is my spout... #

-Yes.

# ..When the kettle is boiling Hear me shout

# Lift me up and pour meeeeeeeeeeee...

# Eeeh... #

-# Out! #

-Hey! He did it again.

Give him a nice big round of applause.

It's me, it's the Governor.

On the show, we see the official face of Governor Ted Robbins,

and senior prison officer Frank Burgess.

But what do you both like to do to relax? Ted.

Well, Laura, I am a big fan of a night in,

in front of the telly, with the wife.

In fact, I prefer it if the telly is in front of the wife.

As you can probably see why. Still, she's good to the kids.

And, how about you, Mr Burgess?

What do you like to do on a night off?

And is there a Mrs Burgess?

Yes, there certainly is, the lovely Marjorie.

She's got everything a man could want.

Strong arms, big feet, luxuriant moustache.

And do your wives have any favourite acts?

Marjorie is partial to a bit of Paul Burling.

Oh, yes, and my wife likes head-butting tractor tyres,

-and Team Kinetics.

-Very nice.

Now, if I say these names to you, all right?

Let's try and think of the cartoon. Fred, Daphne, Velma, who is it?

Scooby Doo!

-AS SHAGGY:

-Scooby Doo, where are you?!

-AS SCOOBY:

-Huh?

Raggie!

Raggie! Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Scooby snack, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

Scooby Dooby Doo!

Well, I have to say that this next

and final cartoon has got to be my most favourite cartoon of all time.

Here we go. Ready?

-AS MARGE:

-Homie, Homie! You know I love you, honey.

-AS HOMER:

-But, Marge, I love doughnuts.

Sweet doughnuts. Is there nothing they can't do?

-Doh! Bart, why, you little...!

-AS BART:

-Hey, eat my shorts, man.

-Look who's on telly, dude.

-AS KRUSTY:

-Heh, heh, heh! Hi, kids,

it's old Krusty the Clown. Hoo-ha-ha!

-AS MR BURNS:

-Excellent, Smithers. Who's that man?

-AS SMITHERS:

-That's Simpson, sir.

-AS BARNEY:

-Hi, Homer!

-HE BELCHES

-AS NELSON:

-Ha-ha!

-AS APU:

-Thank you. Call again.

And all I can say is, "Ibdi-ib-ib-ib that's all, folks!"

OK, another question for you.

-Have there ever been any...?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, that'll be the pizza. Sort this out, will you?

-I haven't got my wallet, sir.

-I haven't either.

Laura, could you do the honours? 30 quid should do it.

-Thanks, Frank.

-There you go, sir.

Right, OK, next question.

What advice do you have for anyone watching who wants a career

working in a prison for entertainers? Ted?

First of all, put on a great weekly Freedom Show.

A bit of stand-up comedy. Join a holiday camp, perhaps.

Do a spot of Cabaret, up Blackpool way. Marvellous.

-And, Mr Burgess, how about you?

-It all comes down to shouting, really.

-Yes, it's all in the voice.

-And could you give us a blast of the voice?

Certainly, Miss... STAND UP!

-GLASS SMASHES

-Good, isn't he?

I will tell you another act that was good. Team Extreme.

OK, here's an interesting question.

You work together all day, every day, in this enclosed environment.

If you could change one thing about each other, what would it be?

-Mr Burgess?

-With respect, sir, I wish you'd be a bit more strict

-with the prisoners.

-Oh, OK. I have to admit,

I do find the whole punishment side of prison rather difficult, Laura.

I'm a lover, not a fighter. That's just me.

OK, Ted, same question. If you could change

one thing about Mr Burgess, what would it be?

-Well, that's easy. The smelly feet.

-I do not have smelly feet, sir.

-Yes, you do. They're well stinky.

-They are not well stinky, sir.

Yes, they are. They smell like a gorilla's bottom.

Well, I have never been so insulted. I am off.

Well, your feet certainly are. Ha-ha!

-DOOR SLAMS

-Oh, dear.

Don't mind Mr Burgess. He's a little bit sensitive at times.

Right, well, changing the subject from Mr Burgess's feet,

Ted, do you have a favourite recent act?

There's been so many wonderful Freedom Show acts,

but one that really comes to mind, yes, The World's Greatest Liar.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hugo Tenderhorn,

and I am The World's Greatest Liar.

ALL: Ooh!

I was raised by Pygmy monks in Hartlepool.

And I'm proud of the fact that I'm the identical

twin brother of Justin Bieber.

Now then, the way it works today is that you ask me a question,

and I give you the greatest lie you've ever heard.

But, obviously, it's going to take a few seconds for you

to decipher what question to ask me.

So, in the meantime,

I shall give you my award-winning dance from the 2010

Online Robotic Dance Championships,

where I competed against over 14 million competitors.

-First question, please.

-Why is the sky blue?

-Why is the sky blue?

That's an excellent question. Why is the sky blue? The answer is...

because Darren Warns, who painted it, couldn't spell yellow.

What's my mum's middle name?

What's this young lady's mother's middle name? The answer is...

Derek von Stroodlehooman.

-What shampoo do you use?

-A very good question again.

What shampoo do I use? The answer is...I don't, I am bald.

One of my personal favourites there.

And, may I also say, Mr Burgess, Frank,

that I am glad you're back,

and I am sorry about my earlier comments regarding your stinky feet.

Well, apology accepted, sir, but it was rather hurtful at the time.

-Oh, good. Come here, give us a hug, you big lummox.

-Not now, sir.

Oh, come on, Frank, yeah.

OK. I have got a final question for you both.

You're meant to be running a prison,

but today, I've seen you let a load of prisoners escape,

order pizza and make me pay for it, do a bit of tap dancing,

and generally muck around. In today's harsh economic climate,

do you think we'd all be better off if The Slammer got shut down?

-What, shut down the slammer?!

-That's an outrageous suggestion.

All the poor showbiz criminals would have nowhere to go for proper

rehabilitation.

This so-called prison is a chaotic mess.

It's a complete joke. You both deserve the boot.

Right, I have had enough of this. This interview is over.

For once, sir, I agree with you. Right, up you get.

-I'll get the camera. Go on, get her out of here.

-Go on, get out of it.

Take your filters with you.

-Mr Burgess?

-Sir!