The Broken Vent The Slammer

Dear Mum, it's a big week. It's been five years since

I was on The Freedom Show, so I get an automatic place this week.

The competition is tough though...

..but I'm feeling confident. I've spent years honing my act,

studying the winners, and I have learnt...

Absolutely nothing. Sorry to interrupt here,

but your son doesn't seem to appreciate that

without me, he doesn't stand a chance.

-Oh, get off.

-Well, it's true.

On your own, you're nothing but a man with a rolled-up sleeve.

-Oi, how dare you? Oi, give it back! Give it back!

-You see?

That's teamwork.

Why do I put myself through it?

# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

I'm worried. Have you seen Peter's act for this week's show?

-Is it any better?

-It couldn't get any worse.

What are we going to do? The lad has been in prison for ages,

far too long. He'll never stand a chance against Hard Shoulder,

Dazl Diamonds,

Boldo, the cube man.

It does seem unlikely, sir, yes.

I suppose we could always, er...

-What, sir?

-Well, you know.

Well, you know what, sir?

Well, you know, sort of, tip the scales, as it were.

Ha! Are you suggesting, sir?

Suggesting, Mr Burgess? Suggesting? I won't here a word of it! Dear.

I am surprised at you, Frank.

You're the longest serving prisoner in this place

and there's only one reason.

-It's stuck to the end of my arm.

-What?

Don't think you're carrying me just because you're carrying me.

-The fact is, you've held me back.

-I'm sorry?

You think you're helping me by sticking your hand up my jumper,

when all you're doing is taking credit for all

the funny things that I say.

-Yeah, but it's a ventriloquist act.

-So?

-Well, in a ventriloquist act...

-Yes?

-Well, the person who...

-Go on, say it!

Well, I'm the one who does all the talking. You're just a puppet.

-A load of old cloth.

-How dare you?!

-Well, you made me say it.

-Take me off your arm.

-Oh, Titch, come on.

-No, this double act is over. Take me off your arm.

Don't be like that, little Titch.

I am not joking here, buddy. Take me off your arm, right now!

All right, I will take you off my arm right now.

Right, Peter. Let's have a look at this new act of yours.

-What happened?

-It's over.

-Huh?

Pete and Titch are no longer a double act. I am going solo.

But why?

Ask him. He ended it. What am I going to do?

Ventriloquism is all I have ever known. It's my only talent.

That's debatable. Ahem...

Well, maybe I could street dance, or eat fire,

or do bird impersonations.

Squark!

This could be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am going to reinvent myself.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Now, look, lad, let's be realistic about this.

There's no way you're going to learn this before the show.

What do you mean, Mr B? It doesn't look so hard.

SCREAMING AND SIRENS WAIL

Now, listen, lad, this sort of thing takes years of training.

Both of these circus acts, they've been doing it

-since they were kids. You've left it too late.

-No, that's rubbish, Mr B.

The thing about trapeeeeze... Agh!

GLASS PANE SMASHES Told you so.

I know it must be hard, but don't give up all hope, not yet.

Show business, eh? Like no business.

Like no business I know.

We had a chap in here once. Sword swallower, he was. In for years.

He ate most of the cutlery in this place.

Anyway, halfway through his act, he threw up.

Didn't win, mind, but he did lay 15 tables for the supper.

He does silver service now.

You think on that.

ROAR!

Now, Nokio, I promise this isn't for you, lad.

No, I have got a good feeling about this one, Mr Burgess.

Look, son, you've lost your way.

Stop all this silliness and go and get yourself some lunch.

SCREAMING AND ROARING I told you so.

Ooh. Oh. Ow.

I've had enough of this nonsense. You and Titch are getting back

-together again.

-No way.

-Look what you've done to the little lad.

I've made a new start and there's no turning back no-ooow.

Peter, listen to me. You have to face facts. You are hopeless.

In all my years in the Slammer, I have never encountered an act

whose lack of talent extends

across the entire spectrum of British showbiz.

You are the most uncharismatic, uncoordinated,

unfunny, unengaging, unsophisticated, and uninspiring

act that has ever had the misfortune to set foot upon that stage.

You are, to put it plainly, Pete, without a doubt, completely

and utterly useless.

Well, that's just your opinion.

Anyone else agree with me?

We do!

Which is why your only hope of getting out of here is to put

the old act back together again.

Perhaps the two of you might be able to come up with

something that might just about pass for entertainment.

-OK.

-Good stuff. Now perhaps, finally, we can have some lunch.

Come on. Grab one of these.

Oh, I've found my talent!

Well, what are we going to do, sir?

They've still got a spot in the Freedom Show.

I don't know. How do I look?

Divine!

Thank you very much. In that case, it's show time! Oh, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please, welcome your host, bringing hope where there's despair.

Bringing seats where there's no chair.

Bringing wigs where there's no hair. Oh, blimey!

It's the Governor!

-Who's the Governor?

-You're the Governor!

Oh, fantastic, jailers and jailbirds.

We've got a dazzling act called Dazl Diamonds.

Wooooo!

A most unusual man in all senses, very shapey,

-he's Boldo, the Cube Man. Woo!

-Wooo!

And our very own Pete and Titch.

Woo!

But first, starting us off, the unique talent of Hard Shoulder.

Hard Shoulder.

Do you like them, or are you going to give them the cold shoulder?

Let's find out with the very athletic Mr Burgess.

Right, then, Hard Shoulder, or soft as a baby's bottom?

It was amazing, like two rubber bands on string.

Like two rubber bands on string. Is that a fair assessment, boys?

GIGGLING Yes?

Tell me all about Hard Shoulder.

I thought they were very flexible, bendy and talented.

They've been in the Slammer for a while. Would you let them go free?

-Yeah.

-Now, sir, during that act, I heard you scream out.

"I would never do that in my life."

It was scary. Very, very scary.

-What were you doing, hiding?

-No.

-Behind these ladies? Man up, sir!

It's only a couple of blokes on a bit of rope. What's wrong with you?

-Now that was an acrobatic act. Could you do that?

-Well, yeah.

-Yeah?

-Does anyone know this young man?

-Yes.

-Can he do that sort of thing?

-Yes.

-Yes?!

So, speaking as an expert, what did you think of that act then?

It was legendary.

And what advice would you give people swinging on a rope?

Don't fall.

-Don't fall?

-And for one final word, sum that act up.

-Acrobatic.

-Acrobatic!

Well, Hard Shoulder could be going free. It's early days yet.

Would you please show your appreciation for Dazl Diamonds?

Well, Dazl Diamonds there.

Were they diamonds, or will they be staying inside, in fact,

here in the Slammer, just eating carrots?

Carats. Diamonds. Oh, Mr Burgess, help me out.

Dazl Diamonds, there.

But, were they razzle-dazzle, or razzle-frazzle?

-It was cool.

-Cool?

-Yeah.

-I see you've drawn a pair of feet.

-Yeah.

-What's that about?

-I don't know. She drew it.

Oh, you drew the feet.

-Signifying what?

-Cats.

-Of course it is. Of course.

Drawing a pair of feet while watching a dance act, signifying cats.

Did the Dazl Diamonds dazzle you?

Yes, certainly, they did.

-Is it the sort of thing that you could do?

-Most probably, yes.

Right, give us one of your things, there you go. Stand up, mate.

Stand up, there you are. # Dum, Dum, Dum... #

Very good, give him a big hand there, yes.

One final word to sum that act up for me, miss.

-Coolelicious.

-Coolelicious, sir.

Jailers and jailbirds,

on now to that special act we call, you know it, yes,

it's Solitary Confinement!

Mad Edna up on the roof of the Slammer,

as she gazes down on the act

that we keep hidden away in the darkest dungeon.

We let them out occasionally to perform. If they get the thumbs up,

they get a little treat just for the day.

And today's treat is a ride on the Slammer bus,

-round the grounds of the prison.

-Oooh!

But if they get the thumbs down,

it's back to the cell for a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Oh, yes. Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being strapped to a bungee rope

and thrown into a skip-load of pimple puss, sir.

Woah!

Before we go any further, we need a judge.

Mr Burgess, using your wisdom and discernment.

-Right, you sir.

-Yes, give him a round of applause.

-This way.

-Thank you, Mr Burgess.

-Your name, sir?

-Michael.

-Michael, what a splendid memory you have.

Just show everyone you've got a thumb.

You'll need that later. Here we go, it's time for Solitary Confinement.

Come on, Michael. Here we go, sit down.

I am the blindfolded balloon barber.

I have to shave these three dummies

in one minute, blindfolded, using this.

Start the music!

He's got a moustache.

Who's next? Madam, yes, yes. A little off the top, perhaps.

Well, Michael, you watched that act.

It's up to you to decide. Remember, thumbs up, trip on the bus.

Thumbs down, head in the puss.

Ready? Your five seconds to decide starts now.

That's up. It's up. You've got a trip on a bus. Wonderful.

Give him a round of applause. They've done well.

And give Michael a big hand, as well. Thank you, off you go.

And now on to our next performing prisoner, Boldo, the Cube Man!

Were you bowled over by Boldo, or was he a bit of a square?

-Right, miss.

-He was very flexible when he did the splits.

-Very flexible?

-Yes.

-Do you like that in an acrobat?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, flexibility? Yeah. What about the Cube?

-He was very strong holding it on his head.

-Yes.

Baldo, the Cube Man. Can you give me your thoughts on that act, sir?

Yeah, he was absolutely amazing.

He was incredible, awesome, talented, excellent.

-You liked that act.

-Yeah.

-He should go free?

-Yeah.

-Sir?

-I thought he was sick, cool, and awesome.

-Sick. Shall we get a doctor?

-No.

-Get him some special medical attention?

-No.

-Do you think he needs surgery, sir?

-No.

-None of the above, then, sir?

-No.

-Thank you.

-Should Boldo go free?

-Yes.

-Why is that?

Because it was very cool.

Tell us what you wrote.

-Cubelicious.

-Cubelicious. But most unusual?

-Yes.

-A score out of ten?

Eight.

-One final word, miss.

-Unthinkable.

-Unthinkable, sir.

Jailers and jailbirds, just one more performing prisoner act to see.

And I have been checking up in the Freedom Show rulebook here,

and it says here

-in paragraph five, subsection...

-RASPBERRY BLOWS

It says that all prisoners who have served over five years

without performing get an automatic place on the show.

-But then it says in subsection...

-RASPBERRY BLOWS

It says we can only have four main acts.

So, erm, who do you want to see, Pete or Titch?

-Who should it be?

-Titch!

All right, then, for one performance only, the one and only Titch!

'What am I going to do?'

Woo!

I'm sorry, Titch, I let you down.

It's OK, Peter I knew you'd never leave me.

# You know

# I can't smile without you

# I can't smile without you

# I can't laugh and I can't sing

# I'm finding it hard to do anything

# You know I feel sad when you're sad

# I feel glad when you're glad

# If you only knew what I'm going through

# I just can't smile...

# At the Copa, Copa Cabana...

# ..At the Copa, Copa Cabana

# Music and passion were always the fashion

# At the Copa...

# You know I can't smile without you. #

Oh, I love you, Titch. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

There they are, Pete and Titch.

The night Variety died, those two were taken in for questioning.

But what did you think, jailers and jailbirds? Let's find out

with the long-suffering Mr Burgess.

-Pete and Titch, poor?

-It was absolutely beautiful.

-Really?

-It's been the best act I have seen all night.

-Really?

-I loved it.

-You think that man should go free?

-Yes.

-Fair enough.

What did you think of Pete and Titch?

I thought they were like puppet masters

and they were pretty good singers.

-Done enough to go free?

-Yeah.

-Right.

-It was really poor and rubbish.

-Poor and rubbish.

-The singing was awful.

-Yes.

-The music was awful.

-What else was awful?

-Everything.

-Peter Nokio, himself?

-Yes.

-Just one big pile of awful, then, sir.

-Yeah.

What about you, did you like that double act?

Yeah, I really enjoyed it.

-Good, what was the best part of it?

-When Pete threw Titch off the stage.

-And which was the stronger performer of the two?

-Er, Titch, definitely.

-So, Titch to go free, as far as you're concerned?

-And Pete.

-Pete, as well? Hurray!

-One final word to sum that act up, sir.

-Dummytastic.

-Dummytastic, sir.

You've seen all the performing prisoners.

Welcome them back, because it's time to decide who goes free.

Let's hear it for Hard Shoulder!

Dazl Diamonds!

Boldo, the Cube Man!

And Pete and Titch!

Yes, they all hope to go free.

Only one act can get out, of course.

And you'll decide with the aid of this, the Clap-o-meter.

Well, they're a marvellous act.

They were very high up there on the flying trapeze.

What did you think of, let's hear it, for Hard Shoulder!

Look at that.

Brilliant score. 90.

Brilliant, give them a big hand, wonderful. Hard Shoulder.

What did you think of this next performing prisoner act?

There were eight of them, they were the Dazl Diamonds.

Oh, good score, folks. Good score, but only 81,

which means that Hard Shoulder stay in pole position, as it were.

Well, the next act, I have never seen an act like this before,

but he was Boldo the Cube Man. Let's hear it for him, please.

Oh, Boldo, you're staying with us for supper.

One more performing prisoner actor to see.

They've been in the Slammer as long as I remember.

What did you think, though, of Pete and Titch?

I don't believe it. He's scored a 91.7.

This has utterly dumbfounded us because it means,

going free at last, it's Pete and Titch with 91.7.

He's going free. He's going free. Off you go, Pete and Titch.

It means, though, the other performing prisoners,

you're staying in time for tea. Mr Burgess, I ask you this question

after the Freedom Show, what are they having for tea?

It's always the same old thing, sloppy-ploppy porridge.

What is it tonight? Something different?

-Tonight, sir, it's, ahem...

-What's that, Mr Burgess?

-I said, ahem, sir.

-I can't hear you, can you please speak clearly?

Oh, sloppy-ploppy porridge, sir.

I thought so. Take them back to the cells. Go on, off you go.

There you are. Give them all a big round of applause, please.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, that's it for another Freedom Show.

Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

# You know I can't smile without you. #

Freedom!