Stuck on You The Slammer

Dear Mum, you said families should stick together.

Well, me and Uncle Ted did just that.

ALL: A-a-agh! CRASH

We've never been so close.

He let me help him present the Freedom Show,

and what a show it was!

The audience were glued to their seats.

Actually, they were about the only things that weren't!

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Would you believe it! We've got to Showtime and nothing's gone wrong.

-That must be a record. Anyway, how do I look?

-BOTH: Divine, sir.

Thank you very much! In that case, it's Show-ooh!

Blimey! You've broken the Showtime lever!

I don't know me own strength! Look at that. Solid muscle.

If you say so. Could we get on with the show now, sir?

Absolutely not, Mr Burgess!

We can't start Showtime without me pulling the lever!

Well, it would be like having a cup of tea without a jam doughnut,

and choccy biccies and a bucket of trifle! It's unthinkable!

I'll just nip to my tool cupboard. I've got a tool for every occasion.

-I'll bet you have(!)

-They call me Jeremy "The Spanner" Gimbert!

That's NOT what they call you.

Go and get it!

Plank, sir. Absolute plank.

A plank's useful!

Right. Slightly Sticky Glue,

Pretty Sticky Glue,

Fairly Sticky Glue,

Very Sticky Glue,

er, Really Sticky Glue.

Ooh, That's Sticky! No.

I Can't Believe It's That Sticky,

Extremely Sticky Glue...

Oh...Dangerously Sticky Glue. That sounds perfect.

Dangerously Sticky Glue! What could possibly go wrong?

...some sort of weld, sir. I don't know if glue is going to...

-What's the hold-up? Has something gone wrong?

-Like it always does!

Er, no. Nothing's gone wrong here. Er...Mr Burgess?

-Tickety-boo, sir!

-Coming through, don't panic, nobody move!

-So nothing's gone wrong, then(!)

-One or two minor repairs.

All the Freedom Show acts are waiting! There's Sascha Williams...

..Lica Florian...

..Duelling Banjos...

..and Supermalcom!

They've been in this prison for 15 years, they can wait five minutes!

They won't have to, Uncle! The good news is,

-I've glued the Showtime lever back on!

-ALL: Hooray!

Ah! The bad news is, I've glued myself to the Showtime lever.

Useless! But with my muscles, I'll soon have him free! Come here.

-Urgh! Urgh!

-A-agh!

-Careful, Guv! You'll pull his arm off!

-That's a risk I'm prepared to take!

-Eh?

-RRRRRIP!

-Ah!

-Well done, sir! On with the Freedom Show.

-Thanks, Uncle!

-I thought I'd be stuck for years!

-You can stop shaking my hand.

-I can't. I've got some glue on my hand.

-Hold on a moment.

I've got no choice!

You wouldn't have used the Extremely Sticky Glue on that lever?

Give me some credit! I used Dangerously Sticky Glue,

-to be on the safe side!

-The safe side?! You WALLY!

Let's get them apart before that sets completely!

-How long does that take?

-Dangerously Sticky Glue takes about three sec...

Oh, that's spiffing(!) That's marvellous(!) Look at that!

-Now we're all stuck to each other!

-Great(!) What are we going to do?

What are we going to do?

-What are we going to do?

-What are we going to...oh!

Nobody panic. This calls for careful thinking.

No time for that! There's a show to do, and it's already started!

I've got it all worked out.

Mr Burgess, get the audience. Peter, get the acts. Gimbert, get lost!

I'll get to the stage. After three. One, two, three, GO!

ALL: A-a-agh! CRASH

Maybe we should try Plan B!

DRUM ROLL Ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

Now, please welcome your host.

-He's the keeper of the key, disregard the other three.

-Four!

It's The Governor!

APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

ALL: You're the Governor!

-Hello, jailers and jailbirds! As you can see, I've got three...

-Four!

..four people with me! It's Bring a Friend To Work Day,

and I've brought this lot! Anyway, jailers and jailbirds,

we've got a marvellous show for you.

We've got a super act called Malcom, and he's called Supermalcom!

-Woo-ooh!

-ALL: Woo-ooh!

Then a man of many faces, hoping to go free from the Slammer.

It's Lica Florian!

ALL: Woo-ooh!

Then we've got a musical act. They keep us all singing in the cells.

-They are the Duelling Banjos!

-ALL: Woo-ooh!

-Something you want to add, Gimbert?

-WHISPER

-You what, lad?

-Speak up!

-I said I need to go to the toilet!

THEY LAUGH

You should've gone before coming onstage!

I didn't plan to come onstage!

-We can't ALL go! Can we, Frank?

-Certainly not.

-Just hold it in.

But I don't want you lot to hold anything in. Let it all out.

Cheers and laughter and applause, please, for Sascha Williams!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC: "Battle Without Honour Or Humanity" by Tomoyasu Hotei

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What did YOU think? Let's find out with...well, with YOU, Mr Burgess!

Right, off we go, then, sir. That way, sir. Keep moving.

Move your legs, the body follows. Come on.

This is my side, sir. I will choose who we pick!

Right, sir! Let's go there. Right, sir, what did you think?

I think it was amazing and jaw-dropping,

and how they could do that act and balancing, I don't know!

-Very good, young man! I want a go now, Frank.

-Your side, sir!

-To you!

Frank, mic me up. I'll ask this young man, here.

-There you go, sir.

-Right, under me chin!

-One of them, anyway.

-You got it?

-It's not going to work.

-You'll have to hold it for me.

-I'll hold it for you, sir.

-OK. What did you think?

-I think that was very scary but fan-dabi-dozi!

Should they be allowed out of the Slammer? Have they done enough?

Maybe, but if another act comes along and it's really good,

it could be...they might go out.

What about somebody else? You want a go now, do you?

-Let's go over to my side, sir.

-Come on, then. Over we go!

Keep moving, keep moving. Right, this gentleman here. Sir!

-Breathtaking!

-And...

-Stunning.

-Anything else?

-No.

-That's all you've got to say.

-Yes, that's all I have to say.

I think Gimbert's going to have a wee in a minute.

Got to get moving, sir. Thank you, sir.

-Right, up you come, sir.

-Come up here, Gimbert.

Right, let's have a bit of teamwork when we introduce this next act.

All join in together, yes. You take it away, Mr Burgess.

Right you are, sir. The, um...the... the second act now has its chance...

To impress both you and me.

If they're not quick, I'll wet my pants.

And the stage will be covered in wee! Hey-hey!

CHEERING

-DRUM ROLL

-Jailers and jailbirds,

it's the body-popping experience of Supermalcom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Bad" by Michael Jackson

MUSIC CHANGES

MUSIC SLOWS DOWN

MUSIC: "Boom Boom Pow" by Black Eyed Peas

MUSIC: "Lovestoned" by Justin Timberlake

MUSIC: "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith

MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS

GASPING

Achoo-oo!

MUSIC STARTS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I had me back faced the other way, I couldn't see

what Supermalcom was like,

but we'll have to find out again with...

Oh, you again, Mr Burgess. Is it this way?

No, it's that way, sir.

Oh, 'eck! I get confused. To you.

Halt! Right, we'll go to this young lady here. Now then. Supermalcom.

-Super duper or party pooper?

-Super duper!

It was absolutely stunning and some parts were so hilarious!

-Will he get your vote today?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Think he's done enough to be released?

-Yeah.

Served his time. Eight years he's been in here. Haven't you, lad?

Long time. He'd like to go outside.

-So can he rely on your vote?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Jolly good.

Over to your side.

-All right.

-Right, sir, where are we stopping? This gentleman here, sir?

Let's talk to this gentleman. What did you think?

I thought that was dance-tastic! Definitely going through,

-rating that 10 out of 10.

-So you like that dancing?

-Yep.

-Can't say better than that, Frank.

-No, sir.

-Shall we skidaddle to my side?

-Come on, lads.

There's a well-worn groove over here now, look at this. All right, stop!

For a final word, sum that act up, sir!

-Outstanding.

-Outstanding, sir!

-I'm here, Frank!

-Oh, you're there, sir.

Right, off you go. Back on the stage, sir. There we go. Up we go, sir.

I'm getting a bit better at this, now.

-Round there, Nokio!

-Now, this next act, jailers and jailbirds, is...

Guv, I've had enough. I'm feeling seasick.

I'm going to make a break for it. Here, mate, cop a hold!

Pull hard, Mr Burgess. I'm going to get myself free.

-Are you crazy? You'll have my stitches out!

-What? Urgh!

-A-aagh! A-a-aaow! That REALLY hurt!

-Tell me about it!

-A-aah!

Stop whining, Peter! Get a bucket of soapy water, that usually works.

-Off you go.

-All right!

-Dear, oh dear. I'm sorry about that.

And while you're off, we...

Oh, don't say "we"!

..WE shall get on with the next act,

and the next act is the one that we call Solitary Confinement!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yes, Solitary Confinement, where we keep the acts that are

so terrible, we can't release them into the community

or even out into the Slammer. But if they get the thumbs-up,

we give them a treat in their cell.

And today, the treat is going to be a nice pair of slippers

with a lovely brass buckle. But if they get the thumbs-down,

it's back to their cell, and a CRUELLER than usual punishment.

-Mr Burgess!

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being fed a truckload of chutney

by a Chuckle Brother till they chuck up, sir!

That is cruel and unusual, I think you'll agree. All right, then.

We just need a judge. Who should be the judge, Mr Burgess?

-That man there! Step up here, sir!

-Give him a round of applause!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-What's your name?

-Face that way, sir.

-What's your name?

-George.

George, you're going to be the judge for today's Solitary Confinement!

Come on, up we go!

MUSIC: "The Laughing Policeman"

# I know a fat old policeman, he's living down our street

# A nice, happy policeman, he's got massive feet

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haa!

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

# Whoa-ha-ha-ha-ha-aa! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! #

THEY ALL LAUGH

HE FARTS

THEY ALL LAUGH

MUSIC INTERRUPTS

-All right, stop laughing.

-All right, it's not that funny.

-Right, young George.

-Yes, the Laughing Policeman.

You face the front there. Now then, the Laughing Policeman.

You're the judge, and remember, thumbs up

and it's a nice pair of slippers with a buckle.

Thumbs down and it's chutney with a chuckle!

Ready, lad? You've got five seconds. Your time starts now! Up or down?

Oh! Take him back to the cell!

Give him a round of applause for trying, anyway.

And our young judge. Well done, son!

-APPLAUSE

-Off you go. Well done. Well...

-VOICE LAUGHS

-To me, to you! To me, to you!

-SLURPING That'll be Barry, sir.

-Blu-u-urgh!

-Now, our next act, jailers and jailbirds.

-Ho-ho-ho!

-Our next act is a marvellous act, it's very...

-Ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho!

-Something amusing you, Mr Burgess?

-Nokio's tickling me, sir!

-Oh, I see. Keep scrubbing, Peter!

-Yes, go on, lad!

-Go on!

-Nearly...yes!

Well done, lad! NOW GET OFF THE STAGE!

Back to normal, Mr Burgess. Give him a round of applause. Wonderful.

Our next act, well, he's a man of many faces.

Will you please welcome the skill, the talent and the mystery

of Lica Florian!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

THUNDER CLAP

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

My word, what about that? Give him a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds!

-APPLAUSE

-Lovely.

Lica Florian! What did you think?

Let's find out with, er, you, me, and...oh yeah, Mr Burgess!

Well, Lica Florian there.

Dark, mysterious...you never know which face you're going to get.

Bit like going home to the wife! What did you think, miss?

I think it was weird and mysterious, but he needs to

invest in a new costume!

Really, miss, that's a very interesting comment.

Now, in your view, would that stop you from letting him

go free this afternoon?

-Probably.

-Yes. Oh, dear, lost a vote there, then, haven't we, laddie?

-Gimbert, d'you want to ask a question?

-Oh, yeah...I've got it!

-What did YOU think?

-Erm...

-You fool! That's your glue brush!

-What did you think?

-It was brilliant.

Never seen anything like it.

-Any idea how he did it?

-No.

-No, a lot of strange faces.

-I liked the masks.

-You liked the masks, yeah.

And for one final word...

Sir.

Extraordinary!

Extra-ao-ordinary, sir!

Peter, get over here! I think he's going to blow!

What if I trickle the water slowly over his hands, sir?

-Oh, don't say the words "trickle water"!

-No, it's too late for that.

-Give him everything you've got!

-You're the Governor!

LAUGHTER

Oh, it worked! Super. Gimbert, what are you waiting for?!

-I thought you want to go to the toilet!

-Not any more.

Oh, charming(!) Right, oh, well, on to our final performing prisoners.

Jailers and jailbirds, we have a sensational double-act for you.

The Duelling Banjos!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Duelling Banjos"

LAUGHTER

Gimbert! Gimbert! Get off!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The Duelling Banjos!

So, with a hi-de-hi and a ho-de-ho, to Mr Burgess! What do ya know?

Right, Duelling Banjos there. Did they duel enough for you, sir?

They were banjeristic!

And, did they duel enough for you?

-Yeah.

-Did they give it a good go, backwards and forwards?

-Definitely.

I like to hear Duelling Banjos in a prison, do you?

-Yes.

-Are you often in prison?

-No.

-Oh, good.

-Now, d'you think they should go free?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-You're a woman of few words, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Miss, what did you think?

-I thought it was funky

and I could never do that in a million years!

In what way funky, miss?

Their costumes were funky and the music was...funky!

-Have they got your vote today?

-Probably.

Did you like the Duelling Banjos, and do they deserve to go free?

Have they paid their debt to society?

Yes, they're good. I liked them.

What did you like about them?

I liked the start when they copied each other.

-One final word, sum that act up for me, sir!

-Awesome.

-Awesome, sir!

-Well, there we are, jailers and jailbirds!

Four fabulous performing prisoner acts, but only one act can

go free from the Slammer, their debt to showbiz and society paid.

Who will it be? Let's welcome them back onto the stage.

Let's hear it for Sascha Williams!

Supermalcom!

Lica Florian...and those Duelling Banjos!

Marvellous, there they all are!

First up, it's hardest to go first, but they were great.

Will they be going free?

Please, let's make some noise for Sascha Williams!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There we are, on the good old Clap-o-meter, there.

Sascha Williams scores 87.3! A very good score.

Will that be enough to go free from the Slammer?

Let's find out now, as we see a very unusual act.

He was talented, he was body-poppin', he was Supermalcom!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, they liked Supermalcom! 93 points, into the lead!

Supermalcom, ye-es!

Now...a man of many faces! Did you like him?

Let's see now as you give your appreciation for Lica Florian!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A great act, Lica,

but it looks like you'll be staying for supper tonight. Just 74 points.

Well, only one more act can topple

the leader at the moment, which is Supermalcom!

Jailers and jailbirds, please, your appreciation for

the Duelling Banjos!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The Clap-o-meter says 81.9.

That means the winner, with a great score of 93, and going free,

it's Supermalcom! Let's hear it for him!

You're free to go! Free to go, son! Off you go!

Oh, marvellous. Well, that's great news for Supermalcom,

but it means, for our runners-up, one good thing at least.

They get to stay in the Slammer for tea.

What's for tea tonight, Mr Burgess?

Well, sir. Chef's just handed me one of these new powdered meals.

You just add hot water, sir, and you get a delicious, nutritious,

tasty meal in one go.

-Nice flavours?

-They come in a variety of flavours, sir!

-Oh, super.

-And what's the flavour tonight?

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge!

Oh, I might have known it! Go on, take 'em back to the cells!

Sloppy, ploppy porridge for all of you! Give 'em a big cheer!

Sascha Williams, Lica Florian and the Duelling Banjos.

Well, that's it for this week.

Take care, jailers and jailbirds. Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye-e-e!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Well, lads. I think we just about pulled that off!

-What, the show, sir?

-No, the skin on my hands!

Still, at least now I can have a nice sit down!

-Ah! Eh...?

-SQUIDGE

-Oh-h-h-h!

-Gimbert! I'll glue your head to the bike shed! Come here!

Rather sticky situation! Ho-ho-ho!