Angry Puppet The Slammer

Dear Sis. I am writing to you from my new e-mail address,

the governor, dot, who is the governor, dot, you are the governor

at sloppy ploppy dot UK.

It's so long I have worn out two keyboards.

Three keyboards.

Anyway, this week's freedom show was one of the best yet.

Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai!

And one of the weirdest yet.

Oh, and we had an unexpected guest.

HE ROARS.

Oh, good Lord, it's you.

Here is the whole stilly...

stooly...

Oh, ctrl-alt-delete. Oh...

# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Oh, Titch. I'm so sick of being stuck in this place.

I've only got two friends, and one of them's Gimbert.

I wish you and I were real best friends.

If only you were real.

'If only you were real.

'If only you were real.

'If only you were real.

All right, look lively.

Peter, time for your music therapy session. Ready?

-Yeah, champion, Guv(!)

-Come on then, lad. Ha, ha!

-Mr Burgess.

-Sir.

'If only you were real.'

Right, what's the job this time, then?

Customer wants a puppet made human.

Oh, same old, same old.

Where's the puppet, then?

Ah, this must be it.

Right.

Eh...hmm. What do I say again? Oh, yeah.

Shazam! Listen, you.

You've been made human by the love of your owner,

blah, blah, blah, etc, etc.

Be good. Laters!

HE GROWLS

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

# Down Paradise Row

# I'd sit along Nellie

# She'd sit along Joe

# She's got a little hole in her sock

# A hole in her shoe

# A hole in her stocking, where her toe peeps through

# But Nellie was the smartest down our alley

# On Mother Kelly's do... #

You all right? Everything OK?

-Oh, yeah. Brilliant, Guv(!)

-I do requests.

-Can you throw that in a skip?

-Watch it.

-KNOCK KNOCK

-I'm not expecting visitors.

KNOCK KNOCK

Hello? Come in.

No! It can't be.

-He's alive!

-Who is?

One of my puppets. I call him Naughty Thomas.

HE ROARS

Will you be my friend? Ow!

You little blighter.

-Peter, get him off me!

-Naughty Thomas, Naughty Thomas!

Uh-oh. Guv, are you all right?

-Oh, sir.

-My entire life passed before my eyes.

-What did you see?

-Mostly repeats. Anyway, how do I look?

Peter, find that monster and stop him getting on stage,

because real-life puppet on the loose or not, it's show time.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Please welcome your host,

he's brushed his hair and combed his teeth,

he went to school with a bloke called Keith...it's The Governor!

APPLAUSE

-Who's The Governor?

-CROWD:

-You're The Governor!

Everybody, it's great to see you.

We have a fantastic show for you. Ready?

-CROWD:

-Yes!

You'll decide who goes free at the end of the show,

and what acts we have. We've got a weird act,

they do great things with a wall and spray cans, it's YrWall.

-CROWD:

-Ooh!

Marvellous dancing with the Masters of Dance.

And a strange, very mysterious derring-do act, Ali Cook.

-CROWD:

-Ooh!

And also, we've had a little gremlin in the works today,

under the stage, in the wings

and running about, so if you see anything unusual, let us know.

But first, will you please welcome

the incredible talents of Les Philips, yeah!

MUSIC: "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley

CHEERING

Yeah, all right!

Oh, yeah! Thank you! Wow, what an audience.

We need two boys and two girls to...

Hey, don't fight! Eh...please.

Can you come, yeah? Follow me.

-Yes, you, please.

-Sorry!

Next time, I'm there.

-Oh, faster.

-Come the other side.

-So you just step on the line, that's it.

-Ah, well, now.

We've got a nice couple, cute couple.

Oooh, la, la, la.

C'est bon?

-Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai.

-Smile.

Ooh, la, la, la, don't move!

CHEERING

But now we need a man.

-Me?

-Please, yeah, please. Can you come?

It's simple, don't worry. Have a seat.

-You all right?

-Oh, he's very big.

-Are you happy?

-Yeah.

Tell it to your face.

Ah, this one is not good for it.

-It's too much.

-We will put it there, don't worry.

-So, party blower. Does it work? Yeah, it works.

-Very good.

A nice pair of sunglasses, you can see much better. What style.

And then to cover all that, a brand new hat from France.

So listen carefully.

Hold the chair and don't move until the end.

It's better for you.

All right. Music?

Ooh, la, la, la, la. Ai, ai, ai.

MUSIC: "Mission Impossible Theme"

Woah!

Yes!

Oh, la, la, la, la.

At the end of the day,

will you be saying tres bon or were they les miserables?

Let us find out with Monsieur Burgess.

Right, then. Les Philips.

But were they magnifique or les enfants terrible?

I thought that was fantastic.

What was fantastic about it, Miss?

-When I got on stage.

-How did it feel to be involved?

-Shocking.

-Shocking?

-I was scared.

-Yes?

Why were you scared?

I thought they might hit me.

I'd have taken care of them if that had happened.

What did you think?

Um, I thought Les Philips were magnificent,

especially when they threw the clubs and took off the party popper,

the sunglasses and the hat.

-Could you describe it in French?

-Tres bien.

Tres bien, merci, monsieur.

-One final word, sum that act up.

-Unbelievable.

Unbelievable, sir.

The next act saw the writing on the wall...

-GROWLING

-..but they're hoping to go free...

-Oh, hi!

-Jailers and jailbirds, give it up, please, for YrWall!

MUSIC: "Get A Move On" by Mr Scruff

Look at that, jailers and jailbirds.

Your kind of thing? Is the writing on the wall? Let's find out.

He's called YrWall but was it your wall?

It was really good and...

-He could've done better.

-Why could he have done better, sir?

With more stars, and other pictures

and he could be better than the guy that did Mona Lisa.

LAUGHTER

So, if he is better than him, he'll be a famous artist.

-Yeah, was it up on the wall for you?

-Yeah, it was brilliant.

I was wondering how he did it,

and it looked awesome when he'd finished it.

-Very good. Should he go free?

-Yeah.

I hope so. He writes things about me on the wall and I don't like it.

-What did you make of that act, sir?

-I thought that it was a bit weird

at the beginning but at the end, I knew what he was drawing.

-What was that drawing of, sir?

-Uh, a monster spitting goo.

-Would you let him go?

-Yeah.

-Splendid.

-This young man over here.

It was a very good, detailed drawing but a bit boring.

To improve it, he should do something else too,

like riding a unicycle.

Riding a unicycle whilst drawing on the wall?

One final word - sum that act up for me, sir.

-No!

-Come on, don't be shy.

HE GROWLS Oh, good lord, it's you!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ooh, dear. I warned you about gremlins.

Right, on to the act that we call Solitary Confinement.

SCREAM

These are the acts that we keep locked away

in the darkest, deepest dungeon.

We don't let them out, but if they do well, they get a little treat.

And today's is, we'll put them in a nice cell,

with a comfy toilet.

With a soft seat, nice toilet paper, and it flushes, too.

But if they don't do well, they go back to their cell

for a cruel and unusual punishment.

-Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

-What is today's punishment?

It's being put into a popcorn machine

and forced to sing a song called Agadoo, sir.

Ooh, that sounds nasty, doesn't it? Well, we need a judge.

-Mr Burgess, select...

-That lady, there!

Yes, she looks good.

Up on to the stage. A round of applause, please.

-What's your name?

-Ruth.

-Ruth, you are today's judge

for what we call Solitary Confinement!

Here we go.

PLAYS FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE

Well. There we are.

Well, Ruth.

You don't often see electric guitar-playing bees, do you?

Remember, thumbs up and it's a nice posh loo,

thumbs down and pop, pop with Agadoo.

You've got five seconds to decide his fate, starting from now.

Up, down, up, down, it's...

Down! Oh, take him away. Buzz off!

Give Ruth a round of applause, please, thank you.

Flight Of The Bumblebee,

flying straight back into solitary confinement.

There he goes... Oh, hang on a minute.

POPCORN POPS, AGADOO PLAYS

SCREAMS

BOOM

But it's now time for your next prisoner act.

They could go free, the Masters Of Dance!

-ROBOT VOICE:

-Masters Of Dance initiate B-boy sequence.

MUSIC: "The Life Of The Party" By The Jackson Five

# All you gotta do Is clap your hands, hands, hands

# You'll be the life of the party

# Yes, you will, now

# Life of the party Yes, you can

# Hey, Miss corner sitter

# Never left your seat

# Now, you got the movement

# And soon you'll be doin' it So get with it

# Baby, get with it

-# You'll be the life of the party

-You thrill me when you dance

# You can be, you can be Life of the party

# You can be, you can be

-# You can dance

-Yes, you can!

# You're a sexy momma Such a dancing dream

# You're no longer sittin' Your train's puffin' steam

-# The guys are lined up... #

-Oh, no!

-# They're hoping to wind up... #

-Hey, stop him!

# With you now, can't you see it?

-# You'll be the life of the party

-I love the way you dance

# You can be, you can be

# The life of the party

# You can be, you can be

# All you gotta do is dance, dance, dance

# All you gotta do is clap your hands, hands, hands

# You can boogie, you can boogie You can boogie, you can boogie

# You can move, move, move

# You can boogie, you can boogie You can boogie, you can boogie

# You can move, move, move

# Let's get down, down, down down, down, down

# Life of the party

# Yes, you can... #

MUSIC REWINDS

-ROBOT VOICE:

-Masters Of Dance, initiate robot sequence.

-ROBOT VOICE:

-Masters Of Dance, until next time, complete.

He's a dancer, that little fella. What did you think?

What did you make of Masters Of Dance?

Was it just lads squirming about?

When they were dancing and the boy came out of the box,

I weren't expecting that.

-Did it totally freak you out, sir?

-Yeah.

Hello, madam. Did you like them?

They were brilliant, they were like actual robots.

-ROBOT VOICE:

-I thought they were like robots, too.

You've never seen anything like it, have you?

-They should go free, you think?

-Yeah.

-Was it awesome for you, sir?

-Yeah.

All right. What did you think, sir?

-It was fantastic.

-And?

-I liked the robot, and when the kid came in.

-You liked that?

-Out of the box.

-Now, do you think they've done enough to go free?

-Yeah.

Oh, hello. You look like that little fella who was dancing there.

What did you think of Masters Of Dance?

Um, the robot sequence was awesome.

And a score out of ten for them, sir?

Uh...nine and a half.

Nine and a half! That's marvellous.

Sum that act up for me, sir.

Um...good?

LAUGHTER

That's all right. Good.

Here in The Slammer, we get lots of acts.

One thing that they've all done is spent years practising.

Some acts are very, very risky.

I do not want to hear of any of you ever trying

an act like this one, because it's specially for the people doing it.

Jailers and jailbirds,

please welcome the derring-do, the mystery of Ali Cook!

I'll show you the world's most dangerous escape.

Harry Houdini's water torture cell.

This is actually a steel lid,

and this here is made of reinforced plastic,

so you'll see me trapped underneath the water.

I also have some packing straps here,

and these packing straps,

they wrap all the way around until the reverse of the case, just here.

As well as that, we've also got some heavy-duty shackles,

one at the front, one at the back, and they both have

heavy duty padlocks on, trapping me under the water.

Duncan, here, will get all the straps off,

and all of the padlocks.

Bear in mind, this is a very heavy lid.

All right, here comes the dangerous bit.

Some people don't believe this is actually full of water,

but as you can see, it's a full tank.

And Tia, here, has a wetsuit on in case anything goes wrong,

she's been trained to drag me out of the water.

Firstly, the handcuffs go on. Tight... Ow. Really tight.

These are police regulation handcuffs.

Duncan, if you check those.

Welded to the bottom of the tank is a short chain.

Attached to that is a neck brace

that will leave me trapped under the water.

When Harry Houdini did this,

he managed it in about 20 minutes.

We'll try and do it quicker and beat his record.

As soon as my head goes under, we'll start the countdown.

Ready?

Ready?

Wow! Ali Cook and company, give them a big hand, please. Fantastic.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, a sensational act.

Needless to say, don't ever

try anything like that, but they were great.

Should they go free?

They could escape free any time.

The escapology of Ali Cook. But was it water world or waterworks?

I couldn't do that.

Don't panic, sir, calm down, speak nice and clearly.

-I could not do that.

-I wouldn't want you to, sir.

-Is that your type of act?

-Yeah, it was weird, but amazing.

And the most amazing part?

When the man and woman swapped in such a short time.

-That was incredible.

-Young sir?

It was incredible because I was so scared how that happened

and if they got stuck, and I had no idea how they did it.

-But did you enjoy the act?

-Yes.

-Do you think they'd be worthy winners, today?

-Probably.

OK, this young lady here, with a lovely flower in your hair.

That was astonishing. I thought they would get stuck, otherwise...

Did it make you nervous?

Yeah, look at that face. Ooh, that's nervous!

Finally, sum that act up for me.

-Astonishing.

-Astonishing.

Well, four fabulous performing prisoner acts,

only one can go free.

Let's welcome them back on to the stage. Come on down.

Ah, Les Philips. YrWall. The Masters Of Dance.

And, of course, Ali Cook and his company. Well, there they are.

You decide who goes free with the Clap-o-meter.

The more noise, the higher the score.

So, please, make lots of noise for Les Philips.

76.7, not bad, lads, not bad. Let's see...

The next act, never seen an act like this before.

Let's hear it, please, for YrWall.

That's a good score. 90 is a very good score on the Clap-o-meter.

Next up, with a gremlin, did you like them?

It's the Masters Of Dance.

Woah. Into the lead, 91, it's the Masters Of Dance.

Only one act could beat Masters Of Dance, it is Ali Cook.

It's a good score. 76.7 - not enough. Going free,

just ahead of YrWall, it's Masters Of Dance!

Go, go, go!

The bad news is, you haven't gone free, but the good news is,

and you'll enjoy this, you stay in time for tea.

-Mr Burgess, what's for tea?

-Well, I couldn't possibly say, sir.

-What?

-I couldn't tell you what's for tea.

-It could be different.

-What is it?

-Pinocchio can tell you.

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge, sir.

-Oh, no.

Take them to the cells. Off you go.

Give them a round of applause.

That's it for another Freedom Show.

And if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

-CROWD:

-Don't do the crime.

Take care, everyone, give yourselves a round of applause.

Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer. #

-Well, Peter. Today's chaos has completely worn me out.

-Yeah!

-I'm sorry, Guv.

-Sometimes, I wish there was more than just one of me.

I'm off to bed. Night-night.

'I wish there was more than just one of me.'

Extra Governors coming up.

Ta-ra!

-TOGETHER:

-Now what?