Angry Puppet The Slammer


Angry Puppet

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Dear Sis. I am writing to you from my new e-mail address,

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the governor, dot, who is the governor, dot, you are the governor

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at sloppy ploppy dot UK.

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It's so long I have worn out two keyboards.

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Three keyboards.

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Anyway, this week's freedom show was one of the best yet.

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Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai!

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And one of the weirdest yet.

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Oh, and we had an unexpected guest.

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HE ROARS.

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Oh, good Lord, it's you.

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Here is the whole stilly...

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stooly...

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Oh, ctrl-alt-delete. Oh...

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# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit To try and get released

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# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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Oh, Titch. I'm so sick of being stuck in this place.

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I've only got two friends, and one of them's Gimbert.

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I wish you and I were real best friends.

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If only you were real.

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'If only you were real.

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'If only you were real.

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'If only you were real.

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All right, look lively.

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Peter, time for your music therapy session. Ready?

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-Yeah, champion, Guv(!)

-Come on then, lad. Ha, ha!

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-Mr Burgess.

-Sir.

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'If only you were real.'

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Right, what's the job this time, then?

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Customer wants a puppet made human.

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Oh, same old, same old.

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Where's the puppet, then?

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Ah, this must be it.

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Right.

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Eh...hmm. What do I say again? Oh, yeah.

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Shazam! Listen, you.

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You've been made human by the love of your owner,

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blah, blah, blah, etc, etc.

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Be good. Laters!

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HE GROWLS

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# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

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# Down Paradise Row

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# I'd sit along Nellie

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# She'd sit along Joe

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# She's got a little hole in her sock

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# A hole in her shoe

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# A hole in her stocking, where her toe peeps through

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# But Nellie was the smartest down our alley

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# On Mother Kelly's do... #

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You all right? Everything OK?

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-Oh, yeah. Brilliant, Guv(!)

-I do requests.

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-Can you throw that in a skip?

-Watch it.

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-KNOCK KNOCK

-I'm not expecting visitors.

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KNOCK KNOCK

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Hello? Come in.

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No! It can't be.

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-He's alive!

-Who is?

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One of my puppets. I call him Naughty Thomas.

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HE ROARS

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Will you be my friend? Ow!

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You little blighter.

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-Peter, get him off me!

-Naughty Thomas, Naughty Thomas!

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Uh-oh. Guv, are you all right?

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-Oh, sir.

-My entire life passed before my eyes.

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-What did you see?

-Mostly repeats. Anyway, how do I look?

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Peter, find that monster and stop him getting on stage,

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because real-life puppet on the loose or not, it's show time.

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

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where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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Please welcome your host,

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he's brushed his hair and combed his teeth,

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he went to school with a bloke called Keith...it's The Governor!

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APPLAUSE

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-Who's The Governor?

-CROWD:

-You're The Governor!

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Everybody, it's great to see you.

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We have a fantastic show for you. Ready?

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-CROWD:

-Yes!

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You'll decide who goes free at the end of the show,

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and what acts we have. We've got a weird act,

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they do great things with a wall and spray cans, it's YrWall.

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-CROWD:

-Ooh!

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Marvellous dancing with the Masters of Dance.

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And a strange, very mysterious derring-do act, Ali Cook.

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-CROWD:

-Ooh!

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And also, we've had a little gremlin in the works today,

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under the stage, in the wings

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and running about, so if you see anything unusual, let us know.

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But first, will you please welcome

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the incredible talents of Les Philips, yeah!

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MUSIC: "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley

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CHEERING

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Yeah, all right!

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Oh, yeah! Thank you! Wow, what an audience.

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We need two boys and two girls to...

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Hey, don't fight! Eh...please.

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Can you come, yeah? Follow me.

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-Yes, you, please.

-Sorry!

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Next time, I'm there.

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-Oh, faster.

-Come the other side.

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-So you just step on the line, that's it.

-Ah, well, now.

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We've got a nice couple, cute couple.

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Oooh, la, la, la.

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C'est bon?

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-Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai.

-Smile.

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Ooh, la, la, la, don't move!

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CHEERING

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But now we need a man.

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-Me?

-Please, yeah, please. Can you come?

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It's simple, don't worry. Have a seat.

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-You all right?

-Oh, he's very big.

-Are you happy?

-Yeah.

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Tell it to your face.

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Ah, this one is not good for it.

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-It's too much.

-We will put it there, don't worry.

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-So, party blower. Does it work? Yeah, it works.

-Very good.

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A nice pair of sunglasses, you can see much better. What style.

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And then to cover all that, a brand new hat from France.

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So listen carefully.

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Hold the chair and don't move until the end.

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It's better for you.

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All right. Music?

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Ooh, la, la, la, la. Ai, ai, ai.

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MUSIC: "Mission Impossible Theme"

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Woah!

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Yes!

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Oh, la, la, la, la.

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At the end of the day,

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will you be saying tres bon or were they les miserables?

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Let us find out with Monsieur Burgess.

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Right, then. Les Philips.

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But were they magnifique or les enfants terrible?

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I thought that was fantastic.

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What was fantastic about it, Miss?

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-When I got on stage.

-How did it feel to be involved?

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-Shocking.

-Shocking?

-I was scared.

-Yes?

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Why were you scared?

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I thought they might hit me.

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I'd have taken care of them if that had happened.

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What did you think?

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Um, I thought Les Philips were magnificent,

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especially when they threw the clubs and took off the party popper,

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the sunglasses and the hat.

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-Could you describe it in French?

-Tres bien.

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Tres bien, merci, monsieur.

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-One final word, sum that act up.

-Unbelievable.

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Unbelievable, sir.

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The next act saw the writing on the wall...

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-GROWLING

-..but they're hoping to go free...

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-Oh, hi!

-Jailers and jailbirds, give it up, please, for YrWall!

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MUSIC: "Get A Move On" by Mr Scruff

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Look at that, jailers and jailbirds.

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Your kind of thing? Is the writing on the wall? Let's find out.

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He's called YrWall but was it your wall?

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It was really good and...

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-He could've done better.

-Why could he have done better, sir?

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With more stars, and other pictures

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and he could be better than the guy that did Mona Lisa.

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LAUGHTER

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So, if he is better than him, he'll be a famous artist.

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-Yeah, was it up on the wall for you?

-Yeah, it was brilliant.

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I was wondering how he did it,

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and it looked awesome when he'd finished it.

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-Very good. Should he go free?

-Yeah.

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I hope so. He writes things about me on the wall and I don't like it.

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-What did you make of that act, sir?

-I thought that it was a bit weird

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at the beginning but at the end, I knew what he was drawing.

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-What was that drawing of, sir?

-Uh, a monster spitting goo.

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-Would you let him go?

-Yeah.

-Splendid.

-This young man over here.

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It was a very good, detailed drawing but a bit boring.

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To improve it, he should do something else too,

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like riding a unicycle.

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Riding a unicycle whilst drawing on the wall?

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One final word - sum that act up for me, sir.

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-No!

-Come on, don't be shy.

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HE GROWLS Oh, good lord, it's you!

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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Ooh, dear. I warned you about gremlins.

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Right, on to the act that we call Solitary Confinement.

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SCREAM

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These are the acts that we keep locked away

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in the darkest, deepest dungeon.

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We don't let them out, but if they do well, they get a little treat.

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And today's is, we'll put them in a nice cell,

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with a comfy toilet.

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With a soft seat, nice toilet paper, and it flushes, too.

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But if they don't do well, they go back to their cell

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for a cruel and unusual punishment.

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-Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

-What is today's punishment?

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It's being put into a popcorn machine

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and forced to sing a song called Agadoo, sir.

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Ooh, that sounds nasty, doesn't it? Well, we need a judge.

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-Mr Burgess, select...

-That lady, there!

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Yes, she looks good.

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Up on to the stage. A round of applause, please.

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-What's your name?

-Ruth.

-Ruth, you are today's judge

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for what we call Solitary Confinement!

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Here we go.

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PLAYS FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE

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Well. There we are.

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Well, Ruth.

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You don't often see electric guitar-playing bees, do you?

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Remember, thumbs up and it's a nice posh loo,

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thumbs down and pop, pop with Agadoo.

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You've got five seconds to decide his fate, starting from now.

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Up, down, up, down, it's...

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Down! Oh, take him away. Buzz off!

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Give Ruth a round of applause, please, thank you.

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Flight Of The Bumblebee,

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flying straight back into solitary confinement.

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There he goes... Oh, hang on a minute.

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POPCORN POPS, AGADOO PLAYS

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SCREAMS

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BOOM

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But it's now time for your next prisoner act.

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They could go free, the Masters Of Dance!

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-ROBOT VOICE:

-Masters Of Dance initiate B-boy sequence.

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MUSIC: "The Life Of The Party" By The Jackson Five

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# All you gotta do Is clap your hands, hands, hands

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# You'll be the life of the party

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# Yes, you will, now

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# Life of the party Yes, you can

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# Hey, Miss corner sitter

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# Never left your seat

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# Now, you got the movement

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# And soon you'll be doin' it So get with it

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# Baby, get with it

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-# You'll be the life of the party

-You thrill me when you dance

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# You can be, you can be Life of the party

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# You can be, you can be

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-# You can dance

-Yes, you can!

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# You're a sexy momma Such a dancing dream

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# You're no longer sittin' Your train's puffin' steam

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-# The guys are lined up... #

-Oh, no!

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-# They're hoping to wind up... #

-Hey, stop him!

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# With you now, can't you see it?

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-# You'll be the life of the party

-I love the way you dance

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# You can be, you can be

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# The life of the party

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# You can be, you can be

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# All you gotta do is dance, dance, dance

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# All you gotta do is clap your hands, hands, hands

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# You can boogie, you can boogie You can boogie, you can boogie

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# You can move, move, move

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# You can boogie, you can boogie You can boogie, you can boogie

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# You can move, move, move

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# Let's get down, down, down down, down, down

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# Life of the party

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# Yes, you can... #

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MUSIC REWINDS

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-ROBOT VOICE:

-Masters Of Dance, initiate robot sequence.

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-ROBOT VOICE:

-Masters Of Dance, until next time, complete.

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He's a dancer, that little fella. What did you think?

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What did you make of Masters Of Dance?

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Was it just lads squirming about?

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When they were dancing and the boy came out of the box,

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I weren't expecting that.

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-Did it totally freak you out, sir?

-Yeah.

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Hello, madam. Did you like them?

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They were brilliant, they were like actual robots.

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-ROBOT VOICE:

-I thought they were like robots, too.

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You've never seen anything like it, have you?

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-They should go free, you think?

-Yeah.

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-Was it awesome for you, sir?

-Yeah.

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All right. What did you think, sir?

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-It was fantastic.

-And?

-I liked the robot, and when the kid came in.

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-You liked that?

-Out of the box.

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-Now, do you think they've done enough to go free?

-Yeah.

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Oh, hello. You look like that little fella who was dancing there.

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What did you think of Masters Of Dance?

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Um, the robot sequence was awesome.

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And a score out of ten for them, sir?

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Uh...nine and a half.

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Nine and a half! That's marvellous.

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Sum that act up for me, sir.

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Um...good?

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LAUGHTER

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That's all right. Good.

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Here in The Slammer, we get lots of acts.

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One thing that they've all done is spent years practising.

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Some acts are very, very risky.

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I do not want to hear of any of you ever trying

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an act like this one, because it's specially for the people doing it.

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Jailers and jailbirds,

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please welcome the derring-do, the mystery of Ali Cook!

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I'll show you the world's most dangerous escape.

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Harry Houdini's water torture cell.

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This is actually a steel lid,

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and this here is made of reinforced plastic,

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so you'll see me trapped underneath the water.

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I also have some packing straps here,

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and these packing straps,

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they wrap all the way around until the reverse of the case, just here.

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As well as that, we've also got some heavy-duty shackles,

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one at the front, one at the back, and they both have

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heavy duty padlocks on, trapping me under the water.

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Duncan, here, will get all the straps off,

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and all of the padlocks.

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Bear in mind, this is a very heavy lid.

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All right, here comes the dangerous bit.

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Some people don't believe this is actually full of water,

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but as you can see, it's a full tank.

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And Tia, here, has a wetsuit on in case anything goes wrong,

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she's been trained to drag me out of the water.

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Firstly, the handcuffs go on. Tight... Ow. Really tight.

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These are police regulation handcuffs.

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Duncan, if you check those.

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Welded to the bottom of the tank is a short chain.

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Attached to that is a neck brace

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that will leave me trapped under the water.

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When Harry Houdini did this,

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he managed it in about 20 minutes.

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We'll try and do it quicker and beat his record.

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As soon as my head goes under, we'll start the countdown.

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Ready?

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Ready?

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Wow! Ali Cook and company, give them a big hand, please. Fantastic.

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Well, jailers and jailbirds, a sensational act.

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Needless to say, don't ever

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try anything like that, but they were great.

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Should they go free?

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They could escape free any time.

0:23:350:23:38

The escapology of Ali Cook. But was it water world or waterworks?

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I couldn't do that.

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Don't panic, sir, calm down, speak nice and clearly.

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-I could not do that.

-I wouldn't want you to, sir.

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-Is that your type of act?

-Yeah, it was weird, but amazing.

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And the most amazing part?

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When the man and woman swapped in such a short time.

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-That was incredible.

-Young sir?

0:24:010:24:03

It was incredible because I was so scared how that happened

0:24:030:24:08

and if they got stuck, and I had no idea how they did it.

0:24:080:24:12

-But did you enjoy the act?

-Yes.

0:24:120:24:14

-Do you think they'd be worthy winners, today?

-Probably.

0:24:140:24:19

OK, this young lady here, with a lovely flower in your hair.

0:24:190:24:23

That was astonishing. I thought they would get stuck, otherwise...

0:24:230:24:27

Did it make you nervous?

0:24:270:24:29

Yeah, look at that face. Ooh, that's nervous!

0:24:290:24:33

Finally, sum that act up for me.

0:24:330:24:35

-Astonishing.

-Astonishing.

0:24:350:24:37

Well, four fabulous performing prisoner acts,

0:24:370:24:41

only one can go free.

0:24:410:24:43

Let's welcome them back on to the stage. Come on down.

0:24:430:24:46

Ah, Les Philips. YrWall. The Masters Of Dance.

0:24:480:24:53

And, of course, Ali Cook and his company. Well, there they are.

0:24:530:24:57

You decide who goes free with the Clap-o-meter.

0:24:570:25:01

The more noise, the higher the score.

0:25:010:25:04

So, please, make lots of noise for Les Philips.

0:25:040:25:07

76.7, not bad, lads, not bad. Let's see...

0:25:130:25:17

The next act, never seen an act like this before.

0:25:170:25:21

Let's hear it, please, for YrWall.

0:25:210:25:24

That's a good score. 90 is a very good score on the Clap-o-meter.

0:25:300:25:35

Next up, with a gremlin, did you like them?

0:25:350:25:38

It's the Masters Of Dance.

0:25:380:25:40

Woah. Into the lead, 91, it's the Masters Of Dance.

0:25:480:25:53

Only one act could beat Masters Of Dance, it is Ali Cook.

0:25:530:25:58

It's a good score. 76.7 - not enough. Going free,

0:26:040:26:07

just ahead of YrWall, it's Masters Of Dance!

0:26:070:26:10

Go, go, go!

0:26:130:26:15

The bad news is, you haven't gone free, but the good news is,

0:26:180:26:22

and you'll enjoy this, you stay in time for tea.

0:26:220:26:25

-Mr Burgess, what's for tea?

-Well, I couldn't possibly say, sir.

-What?

0:26:250:26:30

-I couldn't tell you what's for tea.

-It could be different.

0:26:300:26:34

-What is it?

-Pinocchio can tell you.

0:26:340:26:36

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge, sir.

-Oh, no.

0:26:360:26:40

Take them to the cells. Off you go.

0:26:400:26:42

Give them a round of applause.

0:26:420:26:46

That's it for another Freedom Show.

0:26:460:26:49

And if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...

0:26:490:26:51

-CROWD:

-Don't do the crime.

0:26:510:26:54

Take care, everyone, give yourselves a round of applause.

0:26:540:26:58

Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye

0:26:580:27:01

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer. #

0:27:050:27:09

-Well, Peter. Today's chaos has completely worn me out.

-Yeah!

0:27:110:27:16

-I'm sorry, Guv.

-Sometimes, I wish there was more than just one of me.

0:27:160:27:22

I'm off to bed. Night-night.

0:27:220:27:25

'I wish there was more than just one of me.'

0:27:270:27:31

Extra Governors coming up.

0:27:310:27:33

Ta-ra!

0:27:390:27:41

-TOGETHER:

-Now what?

0:27:430:27:45

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