Home for Magic Rabbits The Slammer

"Dear Mother, apologies for not writing more often, but the truth is,

"I don't really like you." Too honest.

"Dear Mummikins, what a splendid Freedom Show we had this week.

"It's always a pleasure to see the three Rs, revelation...

"..revulsion...

-"..and random."

-Thank you.

"But not all went according to plan.

"Let me explain, and stop talking to myself."

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

This is a-Clive.

He is a-twelve a-years old, or 3,006 in a-rabbit years!

Poor Clive was treated very badly by his owner, a travelling magician.

The magician forced Clive to spend a-many long hours inside

a cold, dark top hat, and he was subjected to the terrible stress

of being sawn in 'alf and put back together again!

Stop, stop! How can anyone do such a terrible thing?

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

-I often think about sawing Gimbert in half, sir.

-Frank, sshh!

But Clive was a-lucky.

He was rescued and given new life at my Academy, Bunny Pastures.

Yes, at Bunny Pastures, I give loving home to magic rabbits.

A-lush a-green grass, heated hutches,

and all the tasty, nibbly treats they can eat!

So, please, Governor, all you have to do is give a-generously

to help magic rabbits, like Clive.

Isn't that right, Clive?

Because, without your donations, all the animals everywhere will die! OK?

That's decided. I'm going to do everything I can

to help Bunny Pastures.

Oh, thank you, Governor!

In fact, I'm doing to put on a charity Freedom Show!

We're going to have some amazing acts. Look at them here.

We've got Christian Lee!

Two Tricky!

Michael Raivard!

Halo!

And we'll spend the day fundraising!

-Gimbert, it's time to dig deep.

-Yes, Uncle, right away. Where?

Rotate 180 degrees, lad. Assume the position.

CRASH!

It's excellent, what you're doing for us, Governor,

and Clive is grateful, too.

Not at all, everybody's mucking in. Massive Marjorie is attempting

to break the world record for the highest burp.

-BURP!

-Oh, cheese and onion!

Sorry about that. Brilliant.

O-Bongo is charging to let people honk his hooter.

HIS NOSE HONKS

Ha, ha, well done!

And Frank here is being nice to prisoners for a day.

Well, for a small donation, sir,

I'm inclined to spread a little happiness. Prisoner O-Bongo!

Oh, all right.

Now back to your cell!

-In a nice sort of way, obviously. Moving on, sir?

-Yes.

And finally, Peter Nokio, who's doing so well,

he's raised twice as much money as Frank!

-Roll up, roll up, roll up! Give us your money!

-All right, Nokio.

What's all this nonsense?

Well, Peter here is doing a sponsored silence!

Yeah, he's not allowed to say a word. Ha, ha, ha!

Silence? Silence?! You call that silence?!

Shame on you, Mr B, trying to get Pete to fail his challenge

by talking like that! Naughty, naughty!

-Yeah, you miserable old bum face!

-Bum face?

You can't speak to me like that! I'll have you on a charge!

-Frank, Frank! Your pledge!

-Oh, well, that's that, sir.

Oh, dear, Mr Burgess. Looks like you've blown it.

So have you, lad. So have you!

Ugh! Puppet geek. Tsk!

Unbelievable. All that work, and we haven't raised a penny.

I've raised a penny, Uncle! I sold a tenner on eBay!

Well, sir, we'll have to get the audience to donate.

That's a very good idea, Mr Burgess!

And we can present Mr Muscovado with the money at the end!

Perhaps those magical bunnies will be able to live happy ever after!

-How do I look?

-Emotional, sir.

-Thank you very much. It's Showtime!

VOICEOVER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

Please welcome your host. He's doing it for a worthy cause,

so please be generous with your applause. It's the Governor!

APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?

ALL: You're the Governor!

Oh, thank you, jailers and jailbirds. What a lovely

crowd we have for a very special Slammer Freedom Show.

It's a charity Freedom Show.

We're going to help save the magical bunnies,

jailers and jailbirds. Ah, yes.

And Mr Burgess and Gimbers will be asking you to contribute

during the show, and what a show we have for you. Sensational acts.

We've got footballing skills from two lads.

-They're brilliant, they're called Two Tricky!

-AUDIENCE: Wooo!

-A mysterious act called Michael Raivard!

-AUDIENCE: Wooo!

And a wonderful, hula-hooping, colourful act called Halo!

AUDIENCE: Wooo!

They've all been in The Slammer for years, and are hoping

to go free. This first act has already been in the slammer.

Is he going to get out a second time?

Let's find out, as we welcome Christian Lee!

APPLAUSE

Hello, how are you all?

AUDIENCE: Fine!

I'm Christian Lee, master magician, and I'm going to need some help.

Young man over there, can you catch that?

Come and join me up on stage, give him a round of applause!

APPLAUSE

-What's your name?

-Eamon.

-Let's lose the rope.

OK, Eamon, I want you to pick any card you like.

OK, now show it to everyone while I turn around.

Have you shown it to everyone?

Eamon, hide it, I'm coming back. Put it back in the pack.

OK, this is going to be an impossible card trick.

What we need is one of these.

We're going to put the cards in here,

you're going to look after those and stand in the corner over there.

I'm going to use one of these to help me find the card,

and I need a strong warden.

That one, there. Give him a clap.

SINGLE CLAP

Perfect. Now, steady, brace yourself.

I'm going to climb up here, and then find Eamon's card.

But that would be too easy.

What I need is to make it a little trickier, maybe use a sword!

Here it is. OK, then. The conditions are set.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Ha!

Ha!

Ha! Aaargh!

Ha, ha!

Yes, I'm up!

Now, I need the sword of pointyness!

Perfect!

Warden, please go and get the cards from Eamon.

On the count of three, you will throw the cards up in the air.

I will stab, and hopefully get the correct card.

Three, two, one,

throw the caaaaaards!

AUDIENCE CHEER

Is that your card?

-Yes.

-APPLAUSE

Oh, well, that was astounding. How on earth did he do that?

Let's see what's on the cards for him with Mr Burgess.

Well, the penal system refers to them as repeat offenders.

I just call them scum. What do you think, Miss?

I thought it was funny when he was trying to get onto the

unicycle, and it was incredible how he got that card right.

-It is magic?

-Yep.

What is magic, Miss, is looking after soft, little, fluffy bunnies.

Would you like to donate to look after soft, little, fluffy bunnies?

-What did you think of Christian Lee?

-I think it was

-a sharp and high-paced act.

-And a mark out of ten for Christian Lee?

-About five!

-Very hard audience there, Christian!

-Miss?

-I thought he needed a little bit more.

-A little bit more oooh, or a little bit more aaah?

-Ah!

-A little bit more aaah, as in, aaah, fluffy bunny?

-Yeah.

Would you like to give to the charity? Lovely, thank you.

-Well, an unusual act...

-VOICES FADE

DRAMATIC MUSIC

PHONE RINGS

-Now for one final word. Sum that act up, sir.

-Scary!

-Scary, sir!

Here's the best bit. They want to give us all their money, blud!

I know, I mean, a home for magic rabbits? What a load of twonks!

Beefy, I'll call you back.

Would you please show your wild appreciation,

on this special charity show, for Two Tricky?

APPLAUSE

SOMBRE CHORAL MUSIC

MUSIC: "American Boy" by Estelle and Kanye West

MUSIC: "Pump It" by Black Eyed Peas

SNARE DRUM MUSIC

MUSIC: "Pump It Up" by Joe Budden

MUSIC: "Stronger" by Kanye West

APPLAUSE

Go on, take them off the stage, go on! Two Tricky!

Will they be cheering a great win, or will they be shouting foul?

Let's find out with the referee, Mr Burgess!

Two Tricky. Did they take their eye off the ball, sir?

-I thought it was amazing.

-Why?

-The tricks they did were good,

-and no-one can perform them in front of other people.

-Well, they did.

-Did you like their skills?

-Yeah.

-What did you write?

-Breathtaking.

-Oooh, breathtaking, yeah!

Right, sum that act up for me, sir.

-Fandaptiddlytaptastic!

-Fandapdiddlydaptaptastic, sir!

MUFFLED GROANING

Let him go, you beast! Untie him!

I don't think so, Peter. By the time you escape,

I'll be long gone, along with all The Slammer's money!

Ha! I bet that makes you hopping mad!

Urgh, dirty magic meddler!

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Now, my little capering, criminal critiques,

it's time for the act we call Solitary Confinement!

EERIE MUSIC

These acts are so naughty, we can't let them out,

but if they do well, we give them a little treat, and today's treat is

they'll be taken to a nice cell and given a complimentary

hot drink, but if they don't do well,

it's back to solitary confinement

-for a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess!

-Sir!

-What is today's

-cruel and unusual punishment?

-Today, sir, it's to be whipped by

a wet whippet until they whelp, sir!

Nobody wants that. Well, who's going to be our judge?

Mr Burgess, can you see a likely candidate?

-How about that young lady there, sir?

-Yes, come on, madam.

-Give her a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-What's your name?

-Fiona.

-Fiona.

It is solitary confinement. What an act he is.

He's called Hugo Tenderhorn, and he's the world's greatest liar!

Waaay!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Hugo Tenderhorn and I am the world's greatest liar.

AUDIENCE WHOOP

I was raised by pygmy monks in Hartlepool, and I'm very proud

of the fact that I am the identical twin brother of Justin Bieber.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Now, the way it works is that you ask me a question,

and I give you the greatest lie you have ever heard.

But it's going to take a few seconds for you

to decide what to ask me, so, in the meantime,

I shall give you my award-winning dance from

the 2010 Online Robotic Dance Championships,

where I competed against over 14 million competitors.

Hit it!

JOLLY MUSIC

-Right. First question, please!

-Why is the sky blue?

Why is the sky blue? That's an excellent question.

Why is the sky blue?

The answer is because Darren Ward, who painted it,

couldn't spell yellow!

JAZZ MUSIC

-Why are clouds white?

-Why are clouds white?

That's a very good question, young lady,

and the answer is...because they are a mixture of milk...

..and piano keys!

JAZZ MUSIC

-Thank you.

-What is my mum's middle name?

What is this young lady's mother's middle name? The answer is...

Derek von Strudelhumen!

JAZZ MUSIC

-What shampoo do you use?

-Very good question, again.

What shampoo do I use? The answer is...

..I don't. I'm bald!

JAZZ MUSIC

-Give him a big hand, everyone!

-APPLAUSE

Hugo Tenderhorn, the world's biggest liar.

Well, Fiona, it's up to you.

Remember, if he gets the thumbs up,

then it's back to that cell and a lovely hot drink.

But, if he gets the thumbs down,

it's back to solitary confinement for whelping with a whippet.

You've got five seconds to decide.

Up or down? Your time starts now!

TENSE MUSIC

It's up! Yes! He's going for a lovely cup, a nice drink.

Give Fiona a round of applause, as well. Wonderful!

Now on to our next performing prisoner, Michael Raivard!

APPLAUSE

SINISTER MUSIC

APPLAUSE

It's the governor! It's me!

Well, I thought it was rather good, but what did you think? Mr Burgess?

Right, what about that?

They always draw pictures of the governor, don't they?

It was really good, it was fantabulous!

Anything draw you to it particularly? Ha, see what I did there?

-It wasn't a good joke.

-Oh, all right. That's you done with.

-What did you think of that artist?

-Er, shiny?

-Yes, very shiny.

-And is he going to go free?

-If it gets it more shiny.

If it gets more shiny.

Has he done enough to reform himself, be let loose?

-No.

-Why not, sir?

-Because.

-Do you think this is a laughing matter, sir?

-No!

Are you laughing in the face of the law, sir?

AUDIENCE LAUGH

We're trying to help the magical bunnies.

-Have you got anything to give?

-I'll give a tie.

-What good's a tie?!

-Put it around the rabbit.

Well, he'd be well dressed. That's very nice.

-One final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

-Artistic.

Artistic, sir. Thank you.

NIBBLES MAKES GNAWING SOUNDS

Come on, Nibbles, you can do it!

Slowly, but you CAN do it.

Would you shut up? I'm concentrating!

Jailers and jailbirds, please show your appreciation

-for the incredible skills of Halo!

-APPLAUSE

DANCE MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Come on, let's hear it for Halo! OK, then.

Will they be seeing daylight and going free, or back to the gloom

of their cells?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess!

Well, Halo, there. Was it a group of angels for you, miss?

-It was brilliant.

-Brilliant, why?

-It just got well acted.

-What made it well acted?

-They did brilliant stuff.

-What did you think?

-It was fabulous.

Your beads are fabulous, too. Give us a swing.

-Imagine that with a hula hoop! That would be good, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

For a final word, sum that act up for me, miss!

-Excellent.

-Excellent, sir!

Well, folks, before we find out who's going free from The Slammer,

I want to make a special announcement.

Today, we have raised the grand total of £10,000!

APPLAUSE

So, let's present a special cheque to our charity.

Please welcome the founder of the home for magic rabbits,

The Great Muscovado!

-APPLAUSE

-Marvellous!

NIBBLES MAKES GNAWING SOUNDS

Brilliant, we've done it! Come on!

..this cheque for 10,000...

-Stop, stop, stop! The whole thing's a setup!

-Peter!

Yeah, no, it's him off the poster, Barry Nugget.

A most dangerous conman!

Yeah, he's a fraud, all the rabbits are fake, even Clive!

AUDIENCE GASP

I admit it! There is no home for magical rabbits!

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to hop it.

AUDIENCE BOO

CRASHING, THEN WHISTLE BLOWS

BELLS RING

Right, Mr Burgess, take that cheque away.

Oh, dear. Well, what a fraudster he was.

But, never mind, we've still got to find out who's going free from

today's Freedom Show, so please welcome back on stage

Christian Lee, Two Tricky, Michael Raivard,

-and Halo! There they are.

-APPLAUSE

Wonderful. We've got four acts, you're going to cheer them,

and the clap-ometer will turn your noise into points.

The highest score goes free.

Will you please show your appreciation for a wonderful act?

It was Christian Lee!

APPLAUSE

Well, he's been released before, he got 78.1.

I don't know if that's going to be enough.

Two really skilful footballers now. It's Two Tricky!

APPLAUSE

Wow! They've scored 90.8, they go into the lead. Wonderful!

The next performing prisoner captured my charm wonderfully.

Michael Raivard!

APPLAUSE

Oh, it's 82.3.

Michael, you're staying for supper tonight,

because it's Michael Raivard's 82.3.

There's one more performing prisoner act to see.

Show your appreciation for the talents of Halo!

APPLAUSE

90.9! This is the closest it's ever been.

I think, by 0.1, just ahead of Two Tricky, it's Halo going free!

Halo, you're free to go! Oh, so close! Off you go!

They are free to go, their debt to society paid.

-The others are in time for tea, here at The Slammer. Mr Burgess!

-Sir?

What's for tea tonight?

-Well, tonight, sir, it's a fusion, sir.

-Fusion?

-Fusion, sir.

It's where we take different styles, tastes, smells and influences

-from all over the world and create something.

-And what have

-you created tonight?

-We've got sloppy, ploppy and porridge.

Ugh! Take them back to the cells! Give them a big round of applause!

Jailers and jailbirds, that's all for now.

From the Slammer, bye, everybody!

Believing all that mumbo-jumbo about magical rabbits.

-I feel like a total idiot!

-You're not a TOTAL idiot, sir.

Fortunately, I've found a proper charity to give our money to.

Gentlemen, the Slammer now proudly supports

the Academy for Gifted Goats!

GOAT BLEATS Oh!