Mimer's Strike The Slammer

'Dear Mum. The governor's not very happy with me.

'He told me to go to the garage, buy some ice cream and fill up his car.

'Why he wanted his car full of ice cream, I'll never know.

'I'm hiding in this cupboard until the show starts.

'Maybe the great acts will distract him.

-'Once he's calmed down, I can try and explain.'

-Where's that Gimbert?!

Or maybe not.

ALARM BLARES

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get release

# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer, Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

Well, Frank, that's the acts for this week's Freedom Show sorted.

We've got Doug Segal, Panoply,

Denis Remnev and Weapons Of Sound.

Well, there is, er, one act you still haven't considered, sir.

In you come, lad.

Mr Burgess, what have I told you about mimes? I hate mimes!

Oh, but this is different, sir. I mean, I didn't appreciate

the transformative power of physical theatre till I met this little fella.

I mean, look at that, sir. I'm welling up, sir.

-All right. Be quick.

-Go on, lad, do your stuff.

Here we go. Ooh.

Oh, he's peeling a banana.

-Strap my ribs up.

-The banana, sir, the banana!

Yeah, I've seen enough. Mr Burgess...

But that's a magical journey into a land of make-believe, sir.

What's the matter with you today, Frank? Hey, listen, son,

it doesn't matter how many windows you pretend to polish,

how many balloons remain transfixed in mid air,

mime is not entertaining. It's pathetic!

You'll never get voted out of this prison. My advice to you

is to stand still and do nothing.

And I don't mean sprayed in gold paint.

-That's a bit harsh, isn't it, sir?

-No. You can't mess with mimes.

Any man who paints his face with white emulsion is trouble.

-Don't move or I'll fire!

-See what I mean?

-No need for that.

-That thing's not even loaded.

-It is now. Phooow! Doink!

-Straight in Her Majesty, sir.

OK, OK, we believe you. So what do you want?

I want respect! For too long, mimes have been pushed into a corner,

obstacles placed in our way, doors slammed in our faces!

But why? Mime may not be fashionable

but that's only because people haven't experienced

its wondrous ability to create life...

-HE SNIFFS

-..from thin air.

Oh, that is beautiful, that. Isn't it, sir?

-HE SNORES Sir!

-Sorry. Dropped off for a second.

Now look, lad, I know how you feel. Honestly, I do.

But we can work this out.

-Just don't do anything silly.

-Like moonwalking.

Right! That's it! My patience is over!

-Oh, he didn't mean it.

-Get in the box!

-BOTH: The what?

-The box.

-Oh, you're kidding, right?

Does this look like I'm kidding?

-Doink!

-All right. Mr Burgess, after you.

-Disappointed, lad.

-Mind your head.

All right, all right.

Now, let's see how you like being locked up all day!

Look, this isn't the answer, lad. Don't throw it all away.

You could have a dazzling career ahead of you.

-Unlikely really, though, isn't it, Frank?

-Ah.

Ahem! I'm holding the governor of The Slammer hostage.

Unless you send me a helicopter to get me out of here,

give me a slot on the Royal Variety Performance

and a bag of midget gems,

I will force him to take part

in a mime workshop!

Oh, good lord, no!

If you don't mind me asking, sir, what is it with you and mimes?

-HE SIGHS

-Ten years ago, Frank,

I bought a little plot of land just down the road from here.

It was my grand plan to build my dream home upon it.

The trouble was, I tried to get the construction done on the cheap,

cash in hand, you know. So I employed this troupe of mime artists

who I'd just released on parole. Well, they set to work, didn't they,

drilling and hammering and brick-laying, like they do.

Trouble was, when they'd finished, there was nothing there!

So I'm lumbered with a house I can't live in

-and I can't flog it, not with the market the way it is.

-I know, sir.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Quiet!

I said midget gems, not sherbet pips!

Why does nobody take mime seriously?

Right! That's it! I've had enough!

SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

-Are you all right, sir?

-Yeah. This is our chance. Get us out.

-Right.

HE GROANS

It's sealed tight, sir.

Mime something. A hammer or a drill.

It's difficult to know what sort of tool you need for the job, sir.

-You've got your SDS drills...

-It doesn't matter what type of drill!

-Just get going!

-All right, sir. I'll try the hammer drill.

-Hammer drill... Go on, hurry up!

-HE IMITATES DRILL

-Hurry up, I think he's coming back.

-Oh, that's torn it.

-It's broken the bit, sir.

-What?

-I knew that wasn't right...

Never mind about the bit! Mime a laser or a bulldozer or something.

-All right, sir.

-Hurry up.

-Leave it with me, sir.

-Oh, good grief.

-He'll be back in a minute. Chisel harder.

-You can't rush this, sir.

-Morning!

-Gimbert! Come back here!

-What are you doing?

-I'm sorry about your car, Uncle,

-but you should've specified...

-Never mind about my car! Get us out!

-Agh!

-You need the key!

-What key?

-That key!

-Where?

-BOTH: There!

-Where?

-Oh, for goodness sake, here! There!

-Oh.

-Quick.

Open that door. Hurry up.

Come on, lad, hurry up, hurry up!

-What is going on?

-Ah...

You, in the box also.

That's all we need, Gimbert.

Right, I've had enough of this. You wanted a spot on the Freedom Show,

-you've got it.

-But sir...

-Yippee!

-ALARM BLARES

-Now, come on, get us out of here. Gimbert, go on.

-Whoo-hoo!

-Mind your head. Oh!

-Sir.

You can't allow people to force their way onto the Freedom Show.

Frank, I've got a plan. Leave it to me.

-How do I look?

-BOTH: Divine.

-Thank you very much.

In that case, it's show time.

Hello? I have to whisper. It's an emergency.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

'Now please welcome your host,

'here you go, watch this...

'Time!

'Mime! It's the Governor!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the governor?

-ALL: You're the governor!

Oh, what fabulous jailors and jailbirds we've got here.

-And what a fabulous Freedom Show we've got for you!

-ALL: Ooooh!

We have got, to kick the whole show off,

jailors and jailbirds, a mind-reading act. It is Doug Segal!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Doug Segal and I'm a mind-reader.

ALL: Ooooh!

Mr Burgess, please would you join me?

-Oh, very good.

-All right, for the good of the show, sir.

-Thank you.

-Just come and stand here.

-Just here?

-Excellent.

-Would you tell everyone what that is?

-That, sir, is a rook.

The first game is, you know when you're in the school yard

when you would take something behind your back, choose a hand for it,

then the other person guesses which hand it's in. Do that for me now.

Bring your hands out. Lovely. You have a watch on this hand

-which means that you're right-handed.

-I am, yes.

So it'll be in your right hand. Please show them I'm correct. Good.

Too easy. Too easy. We're going to introduce two new pieces.

-The bishop.

-Excellent. And this is the... Don't say horsey!

-The knight.

-Good. Choose one of them, hide the other two in your pocket.

I'll turn around. Do that now, please.

Lovely. Hands out. I think you are holding the...

-..knight in this hand. Am I correct?

-He's very good. There it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's not even the good bit! Come and stand here.

Would you please lay the three pieces out in a row for me?

Excellent. You're going to make three choices.

Please make them as swiftly as you can.

The only way I can influence you is to make a few minor adjustments.

Please reach out with your left hand and pick a piece up.

Reach out with your right hand and pick a piece up.

Pass me one. Thank you very much. That is the rook. Excellent.

Now, choose one for me and one for you. Final choice.

-Do you want to swap with me?

-Yes.

Very well. Please could you just describe to everyone the situation?

Doug is holding the bishop, I am holding the knight

-and in the glass is the rook.

-Excellent.

Could you please get me the envelope?

Just tip the contents out onto the table as swiftly as you can.

Inside there is another envelope. It's been there since the beginning.

Absolute fingertips. One piece of paper in there.

Take it out and read it aloud.

It says, "Doug is holding the bishop.

"Mr Burgess," that's me, "is holding the knight.

"And the rook is in the glass." There we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Off! Get him off!

Mystifying! Did you know how he did it?

Let's find out with the power of the mind and Mr Burgess.

We can put a man on the moon, we can put yoghurt into tubes,

-but how did he do that?

-Well, I think he was out of this world.

-In what way out of this world, miss?

-Well, I think nobody in this world

-can read minds except for him.

-Shall we let him go from The Slammer?

-Yes.

-But he'll go out reading people's minds, causing chaos!

-I think he'll be good.

-I can read your mind, sir.

-How old are you, sir?

-Ten.

That is correct! I've read your mind! Are you impressed, sir?

-Yep. That was amazing.

-One final word, sum that act up for me, sir.

-Chesserrific.

-Chesserrific, sir.

Well, jailors and jailbirds, another performing prisoner act to see.

Let's hear it, please, for panoply!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DANCE MUSIC

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

AUDIENCE: Whoaaa!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

SCREAMING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Take that! But the only poll that really matters

is the one that we conduct with you, leading off with Mr Burgess.

Panoply. But were they at the top-oly or right at the bottom-y?

I thought it was fantastical, cos no-one could ever climb a pole.

Well, they just did, sir. THEY LAUGH

They had special shoes on.

-Special shoes, sir? Is that how it's done?

-Yeah.

-Have you got special shoes, sir?

-No.

-No?

-HE LAUGHS

-Did you like that performing act?

-Yes.

-The kind of act that should be released from prison?

-Definitely.

-Why's that, madam?

-Because they were doing things

that no-one would ever do, like climb up poles and then fall down.

-I thought they'd go splat.

-Yeah.

-One final word, sum that act up, miss.

-Remarkable.

-Remarkable, sir!

Jailors and jailbirds, it is now time for that special act

that we call Solitary Confinement!

SCREAMING

Ohh! We allow them out for one chance

at not freedom, cos we can't let them go, they're too naughty,

but if they do well, they get a little treat.

I'm not sure what the little treat is today, but whatever it is,

they'll be thrilled. If they get the thumbs down, though,

they go back to the cell for a cruel and unusual punishment.

Mr Burgess! What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's to be basted in soy sauce

and lightly grilled on both sides

whilst singing Tie My Kangaroo Down, Sport.

Ooh! Well, we need, as ever, a judge for Solitary Confinement.

-Mr Burgess, you know a good character.

-You, miss?

Yes, she's coming up. Give her a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-What's your name?

-Habiba.

-Have you got a thumb? Good. That's all you need to be the judge.

Cos it's time for Solitary Confinement! Here we go.

# Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you

# Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Bouncy, bouncy.

# Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you

# Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you

Bouncy, bouncy.

THEY LAUGH

# Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

# Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

# Eee-ee-ee

Bouncy, bouncy.

LAUGHTER

# Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

# Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

# Eee-ee-ee

Bouncy, bouncy.

-LAUGHTER

-Get him off.

There we are. Yes. Habiba, you've got to decide.

Remember, thumbs up, he'll be thrilled.

Thumbs down, soy sauce and well grilled.

So you've got five seconds to decide, Habiba.

It's going to be a thumbs...

..down! Ohh! Back to the cell!

There we are. Yes. Thank you, Habiba.

Back in the cell. There we are.

-Ow! Ow!

-SIZZLING

# Tie me kangaroo down... Ow!

-# Tie me... Ow! Oooooh!

-SIZZLING

THEY LAUGH

Now onto an extra act for you. I'll call it a treat, except it's not.

It's mime. Oh, joy of joys.

Would you please show some appreciation for Theatre du Fromage!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

-Right, go and get him.

-Whooooo!

-That's it.

-Tactical mime units!

-Arrest that mime!

-We are arresting this mime for unlawful abduction

and imprisonment in a mime box.

Now, get in the back of the van!

Get him in that van, you lot! Right, hold on a second.

-HE IMITATES VAN ENGINE

-Good work, lads.

Take him away. Yes, that's it. Off he goes. Bye-bye.

The next act, he flies through the air with the greatest of ease.

The perfect act to see after a load of old cheese.

-It is Denis Remnev!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Whooo!

ROCK MUSIC

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

THEY SCREAM

SCREAMING

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

SCREAMING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

SCREAMING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did he do enough to go swinging free from The Slammer?

Or...is his career back on the ropes? Let's find out from you lot.

Denis Remnev. Death-defying, miss?

I thought it was great. I was holding my breath

and sitting on the edge of my seat the whole time. I was really scared

when he swung upside down. I didn't know anyone had so much courage.

-Do you think he should be released?

-Yeah, I think he should.

-I think he deserves to go.

-What did you think of that act, sir?

I don't know anyone brave enough to do that.

Especially in those leather trousers.

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah. They must feel itchy.

-Yeah.

That's the first thing. Get over the itchiness and then press on.

Now then, sir, heart in your mouth or poo in your pants?

-THEY LAUGH

-Poo in my pants.

-THEY LAUGH Yes.

-It was really scary

-and quite breathtaking.

-Right. You enjoyed it, sir?

-Yeah.

-What did you think of that act?

-I thought, whenever he stood up,

he was literally going to fall on top of everybody.

-But it was just amazing.

-So he's going free?

-Definitely.

-OK.

-Right, one final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

HE SIGHS

Well, I think that's it, sir, yeah. HE SIGHS

The next act, what an interesting act. An act with a lot of rhythm.

Anyway, here they are in The Slammer, it is Weapons Of Sound!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY BEAT RHYTHMICALLY

THEY CLAP

Whoo!

TEMPO SLOWS

TEMPO SPEEDS UP

-Oh, yeah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Weapons Of Sound there!

Whoa! Marvellous.

But will they be skipping out of here?

-Let's find out. What did you think?

-Let's crack on.

-Sir!

-Erm, I thought it was amazing and ear-busting

and the guy with the Mohican looked really creepy.

-The guy with the Mohican looked really creepy?

-He had cow trousers.

-THEY LAUGH

-Weapons Of Sound.

-What did you think of them?

-Erm, they had a very good rhythm

-and they were doing solos.

-Would you like to see them go free

-and release their rhythms on the world?

-Yes.

-Good to hear.

-Miss, what did you think of that act?

-I thought it was really good

how they made recycled things into instruments.

-You thought that was entertaining?

-Yeah.

-And you'd like to see it outside of this prison.

-Yeah.

-OK.

-What did you think of them?

-I thought it was weirdly amazing.

They make a heck of a noise in The Slammer

-when we have our sloppy porridge at night.

-Er, that's not my problem.

THEY LAUGH

You sound like a politician of the future, sir, you do.

-Or maybe you could be like Mr Burgess.

-Yeah!

-Yes.

-Do a Mr Burgess impression. Mr Burgess!

-Sir?

-THEY LAUGH

-Very good.

-Miss, could you sum that act up for me in one final word?

-Amazing.

-Amazing, sir.

-Well, jailors and jailbirds,

time to decide who's going free. Let's welcome back all the acts!

-Come on! Let's hear it for them!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Doug Segal! Panoply!

Let's have them back here.

-Denis Remnev and Weapons Of Sound.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marvellous. Four very different performing prisoner acts

hoping to go free. We'll decide with this, Gimbert's Clap-o-meter.

The more noise you make, the higher the score on the Clap-o-meter.

The first act was mind-boggling. Will he be going free?

Let's hear it, please, for Doug Segal!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They're clapping for Doug. Oh, Doug, just 53 there.

53 points. Back you go. I think you might be staying in The Slammer.

Next, let's hear it, please, for Panoply!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, 90.7. Wow! Show offs.

Look at that. Brilliant!

On next to a wonderful act. Let's hear it, please, for Denis Remnev!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-We like him.

Good score.

Oh, Denis, you'll have to go back on your rope. Back into your cell,

because you got 84.7. At the moment, in the lead is Panoply.

Just one performing prisoner act to go.

Let's hear it, please, for Weapons Of Sound!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ohh!

They're going free! Yes, a dramatic win at the end.

Just got into the lead with 91.6 over Panoply,

it's Weapons Of Sound! You're free! You're free!

-Off you go! Go on! Take them away!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There they go. But the good news is,

although you're staying in The Slammer, you're in time for tea.

-Mrs Burgess, what's for tea tonight?

-That'll be Chef texting me now.

-Oh, it's incomplete, sir.

-Really?

-Yes.

-It just says, "Sloppy-plo..."

-Ooh, I wonder what that could be.

-Take them away, Mr Burgess. I think we know.

-This way.

-Go on!

Sloppy-ploppy porridge yet again. Oh, never mind.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

See you soon for another Freedom Show on The Slammer!

Goodbye, jailors and jailbirds! Bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

Well, thank heaven that's over.

Now, I do not want any more mime in this prison.

So, er, who fancies a nice...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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