Mimer's Strike The Slammer


Mimer's Strike

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Transcript


LineFromTo

'Dear Mum. The governor's not very happy with me.

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'He told me to go to the garage, buy some ice cream and fill up his car.

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'Why he wanted his car full of ice cream, I'll never know.

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'I'm hiding in this cupboard until the show starts.

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'Maybe the great acts will distract him.

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-'Once he's calmed down, I can try and explain.'

-Where's that Gimbert?!

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Or maybe not.

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ALARM BLARES

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# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer where you're going to serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

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# Performing to the limit to try and get release

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# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer, Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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Well, Frank, that's the acts for this week's Freedom Show sorted.

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We've got Doug Segal, Panoply,

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Denis Remnev and Weapons Of Sound.

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Well, there is, er, one act you still haven't considered, sir.

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In you come, lad.

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Mr Burgess, what have I told you about mimes? I hate mimes!

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Oh, but this is different, sir. I mean, I didn't appreciate

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the transformative power of physical theatre till I met this little fella.

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I mean, look at that, sir. I'm welling up, sir.

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-All right. Be quick.

-Go on, lad, do your stuff.

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Here we go. Ooh.

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Oh, he's peeling a banana.

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-Strap my ribs up.

-The banana, sir, the banana!

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Yeah, I've seen enough. Mr Burgess...

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But that's a magical journey into a land of make-believe, sir.

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What's the matter with you today, Frank? Hey, listen, son,

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it doesn't matter how many windows you pretend to polish,

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how many balloons remain transfixed in mid air,

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mime is not entertaining. It's pathetic!

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You'll never get voted out of this prison. My advice to you

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is to stand still and do nothing.

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And I don't mean sprayed in gold paint.

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-That's a bit harsh, isn't it, sir?

-No. You can't mess with mimes.

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Any man who paints his face with white emulsion is trouble.

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-Don't move or I'll fire!

-See what I mean?

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-No need for that.

-That thing's not even loaded.

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-It is now. Phooow! Doink!

-Straight in Her Majesty, sir.

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OK, OK, we believe you. So what do you want?

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I want respect! For too long, mimes have been pushed into a corner,

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obstacles placed in our way, doors slammed in our faces!

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But why? Mime may not be fashionable

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but that's only because people haven't experienced

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its wondrous ability to create life...

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-HE SNIFFS

-..from thin air.

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Oh, that is beautiful, that. Isn't it, sir?

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-HE SNORES Sir!

-Sorry. Dropped off for a second.

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Now look, lad, I know how you feel. Honestly, I do.

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But we can work this out.

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-Just don't do anything silly.

-Like moonwalking.

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Right! That's it! My patience is over!

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-Oh, he didn't mean it.

-Get in the box!

-BOTH: The what?

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-The box.

-Oh, you're kidding, right?

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Does this look like I'm kidding?

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-Doink!

-All right. Mr Burgess, after you.

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-Disappointed, lad.

-Mind your head.

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All right, all right.

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Now, let's see how you like being locked up all day!

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Look, this isn't the answer, lad. Don't throw it all away.

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You could have a dazzling career ahead of you.

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-Unlikely really, though, isn't it, Frank?

-Ah.

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Ahem! I'm holding the governor of The Slammer hostage.

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Unless you send me a helicopter to get me out of here,

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give me a slot on the Royal Variety Performance

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and a bag of midget gems,

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I will force him to take part

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in a mime workshop!

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Oh, good lord, no!

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If you don't mind me asking, sir, what is it with you and mimes?

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-HE SIGHS

-Ten years ago, Frank,

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I bought a little plot of land just down the road from here.

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It was my grand plan to build my dream home upon it.

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The trouble was, I tried to get the construction done on the cheap,

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cash in hand, you know. So I employed this troupe of mime artists

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who I'd just released on parole. Well, they set to work, didn't they,

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drilling and hammering and brick-laying, like they do.

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Trouble was, when they'd finished, there was nothing there!

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So I'm lumbered with a house I can't live in

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-and I can't flog it, not with the market the way it is.

-I know, sir.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Quiet!

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I said midget gems, not sherbet pips!

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Why does nobody take mime seriously?

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Right! That's it! I've had enough!

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SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

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-Are you all right, sir?

-Yeah. This is our chance. Get us out.

-Right.

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HE GROANS

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It's sealed tight, sir.

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Mime something. A hammer or a drill.

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It's difficult to know what sort of tool you need for the job, sir.

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-You've got your SDS drills...

-It doesn't matter what type of drill!

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-Just get going!

-All right, sir. I'll try the hammer drill.

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-Hammer drill... Go on, hurry up!

-HE IMITATES DRILL

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-Hurry up, I think he's coming back.

-Oh, that's torn it.

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-It's broken the bit, sir.

-What?

-I knew that wasn't right...

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Never mind about the bit! Mime a laser or a bulldozer or something.

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-All right, sir.

-Hurry up.

-Leave it with me, sir.

-Oh, good grief.

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-He'll be back in a minute. Chisel harder.

-You can't rush this, sir.

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-Morning!

-Gimbert! Come back here!

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-What are you doing?

-I'm sorry about your car, Uncle,

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-but you should've specified...

-Never mind about my car! Get us out!

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-Agh!

-You need the key!

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-What key?

-That key!

-Where?

-BOTH: There!

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-Where?

-Oh, for goodness sake, here! There!

-Oh.

-Quick.

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Open that door. Hurry up.

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Come on, lad, hurry up, hurry up!

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-What is going on?

-Ah...

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You, in the box also.

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That's all we need, Gimbert.

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Right, I've had enough of this. You wanted a spot on the Freedom Show,

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-you've got it.

-But sir...

-Yippee!

-ALARM BLARES

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-Now, come on, get us out of here. Gimbert, go on.

-Whoo-hoo!

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-Mind your head. Oh!

-Sir.

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You can't allow people to force their way onto the Freedom Show.

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Frank, I've got a plan. Leave it to me.

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-How do I look?

-BOTH: Divine.

-Thank you very much.

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In that case, it's show time.

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Hello? I have to whisper. It's an emergency.

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

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'where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

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'Now please welcome your host,

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'here you go, watch this...

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'Time!

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'Mime! It's the Governor!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Who's the governor?

-ALL: You're the governor!

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Oh, what fabulous jailors and jailbirds we've got here.

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-And what a fabulous Freedom Show we've got for you!

-ALL: Ooooh!

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We have got, to kick the whole show off,

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jailors and jailbirds, a mind-reading act. It is Doug Segal!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Doug Segal and I'm a mind-reader.

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ALL: Ooooh!

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Mr Burgess, please would you join me?

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-Oh, very good.

-All right, for the good of the show, sir.

-Thank you.

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-Just come and stand here.

-Just here?

-Excellent.

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-Would you tell everyone what that is?

-That, sir, is a rook.

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The first game is, you know when you're in the school yard

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when you would take something behind your back, choose a hand for it,

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then the other person guesses which hand it's in. Do that for me now.

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Bring your hands out. Lovely. You have a watch on this hand

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-which means that you're right-handed.

-I am, yes.

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So it'll be in your right hand. Please show them I'm correct. Good.

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Too easy. Too easy. We're going to introduce two new pieces.

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-The bishop.

-Excellent. And this is the... Don't say horsey!

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-The knight.

-Good. Choose one of them, hide the other two in your pocket.

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I'll turn around. Do that now, please.

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Lovely. Hands out. I think you are holding the...

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-..knight in this hand. Am I correct?

-He's very good. There it is.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That's not even the good bit! Come and stand here.

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Would you please lay the three pieces out in a row for me?

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Excellent. You're going to make three choices.

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Please make them as swiftly as you can.

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The only way I can influence you is to make a few minor adjustments.

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Please reach out with your left hand and pick a piece up.

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Reach out with your right hand and pick a piece up.

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Pass me one. Thank you very much. That is the rook. Excellent.

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Now, choose one for me and one for you. Final choice.

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-Do you want to swap with me?

-Yes.

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Very well. Please could you just describe to everyone the situation?

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Doug is holding the bishop, I am holding the knight

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-and in the glass is the rook.

-Excellent.

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Could you please get me the envelope?

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Just tip the contents out onto the table as swiftly as you can.

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Inside there is another envelope. It's been there since the beginning.

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Absolute fingertips. One piece of paper in there.

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Take it out and read it aloud.

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It says, "Doug is holding the bishop.

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"Mr Burgess," that's me, "is holding the knight.

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"And the rook is in the glass." There we go.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Off! Get him off!

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Mystifying! Did you know how he did it?

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Let's find out with the power of the mind and Mr Burgess.

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We can put a man on the moon, we can put yoghurt into tubes,

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-but how did he do that?

-Well, I think he was out of this world.

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-In what way out of this world, miss?

-Well, I think nobody in this world

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-can read minds except for him.

-Shall we let him go from The Slammer?

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-Yes.

-But he'll go out reading people's minds, causing chaos!

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-I think he'll be good.

-I can read your mind, sir.

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-How old are you, sir?

-Ten.

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That is correct! I've read your mind! Are you impressed, sir?

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-Yep. That was amazing.

-One final word, sum that act up for me, sir.

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-Chesserrific.

-Chesserrific, sir.

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Well, jailors and jailbirds, another performing prisoner act to see.

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Let's hear it, please, for panoply!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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DANCE MUSIC

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AUDIENCE: Ohh!

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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AUDIENCE: Whoaaa!

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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SCREAMING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Take that! But the only poll that really matters

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is the one that we conduct with you, leading off with Mr Burgess.

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Panoply. But were they at the top-oly or right at the bottom-y?

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I thought it was fantastical, cos no-one could ever climb a pole.

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Well, they just did, sir. THEY LAUGH

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They had special shoes on.

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-Special shoes, sir? Is that how it's done?

-Yeah.

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-Have you got special shoes, sir?

-No.

-No?

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-HE LAUGHS

-Did you like that performing act?

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-Yes.

-The kind of act that should be released from prison?

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-Definitely.

-Why's that, madam?

-Because they were doing things

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that no-one would ever do, like climb up poles and then fall down.

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-I thought they'd go splat.

-Yeah.

-One final word, sum that act up, miss.

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-Remarkable.

-Remarkable, sir!

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Jailors and jailbirds, it is now time for that special act

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that we call Solitary Confinement!

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SCREAMING

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Ohh! We allow them out for one chance

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at not freedom, cos we can't let them go, they're too naughty,

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but if they do well, they get a little treat.

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I'm not sure what the little treat is today, but whatever it is,

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they'll be thrilled. If they get the thumbs down, though,

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they go back to the cell for a cruel and unusual punishment.

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Mr Burgess! What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

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Today, sir, it's to be basted in soy sauce

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and lightly grilled on both sides

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whilst singing Tie My Kangaroo Down, Sport.

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Ooh! Well, we need, as ever, a judge for Solitary Confinement.

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-Mr Burgess, you know a good character.

-You, miss?

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Yes, she's coming up. Give her a round of applause.

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-APPLAUSE

-What's your name?

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-Habiba.

-Have you got a thumb? Good. That's all you need to be the judge.

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Cos it's time for Solitary Confinement! Here we go.

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# Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you

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# Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you

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# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

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Bouncy, bouncy.

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# Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you

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# Rubber ball, I come bouncing back to you

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Bouncy, bouncy.

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THEY LAUGH

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# Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

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# Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

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# Eee-ee-ee

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Bouncy, bouncy.

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LAUGHTER

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# Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

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# Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

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# Eee-ee-ee

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Bouncy, bouncy.

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-LAUGHTER

-Get him off.

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There we are. Yes. Habiba, you've got to decide.

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Remember, thumbs up, he'll be thrilled.

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Thumbs down, soy sauce and well grilled.

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So you've got five seconds to decide, Habiba.

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It's going to be a thumbs...

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..down! Ohh! Back to the cell!

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There we are. Yes. Thank you, Habiba.

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Back in the cell. There we are.

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-Ow! Ow!

-SIZZLING

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# Tie me kangaroo down... Ow!

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-# Tie me... Ow! Oooooh!

-SIZZLING

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THEY LAUGH

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Now onto an extra act for you. I'll call it a treat, except it's not.

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It's mime. Oh, joy of joys.

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Would you please show some appreciation for Theatre du Fromage!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

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-Right, go and get him.

-Whooooo!

-That's it.

-Tactical mime units!

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-Arrest that mime!

-We are arresting this mime for unlawful abduction

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and imprisonment in a mime box.

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Now, get in the back of the van!

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Get him in that van, you lot! Right, hold on a second.

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-HE IMITATES VAN ENGINE

-Good work, lads.

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Take him away. Yes, that's it. Off he goes. Bye-bye.

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The next act, he flies through the air with the greatest of ease.

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The perfect act to see after a load of old cheese.

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-It is Denis Remnev!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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AUDIENCE: Whooo!

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ROCK MUSIC

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CHEERING AND SCREAMING

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CHEERING AND SCREAMING

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THEY SCREAM

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SCREAMING

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CHEERING AND SCREAMING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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SCREAMING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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SCREAMING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Did he do enough to go swinging free from The Slammer?

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Or...is his career back on the ropes? Let's find out from you lot.

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Denis Remnev. Death-defying, miss?

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I thought it was great. I was holding my breath

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and sitting on the edge of my seat the whole time. I was really scared

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when he swung upside down. I didn't know anyone had so much courage.

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-Do you think he should be released?

-Yeah, I think he should.

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-I think he deserves to go.

-What did you think of that act, sir?

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I don't know anyone brave enough to do that.

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Especially in those leather trousers.

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-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah. They must feel itchy.

-Yeah.

0:21:310:21:34

That's the first thing. Get over the itchiness and then press on.

0:21:340:21:38

Now then, sir, heart in your mouth or poo in your pants?

0:21:380:21:41

-THEY LAUGH

-Poo in my pants.

0:21:410:21:44

-THEY LAUGH Yes.

-It was really scary

0:21:440:21:48

-and quite breathtaking.

-Right. You enjoyed it, sir?

-Yeah.

0:21:480:21:51

-What did you think of that act?

-I thought, whenever he stood up,

0:21:510:21:55

he was literally going to fall on top of everybody.

0:21:550:21:58

-But it was just amazing.

-So he's going free?

0:21:580:22:00

-Definitely.

-OK.

-Right, one final word. Sum that act up for me, sir.

0:22:000:22:05

HE SIGHS

0:22:050:22:07

Well, I think that's it, sir, yeah. HE SIGHS

0:22:070:22:10

The next act, what an interesting act. An act with a lot of rhythm.

0:22:100:22:14

Anyway, here they are in The Slammer, it is Weapons Of Sound!

0:22:140:22:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:190:22:22

THEY BEAT RHYTHMICALLY

0:22:300:22:33

THEY CLAP

0:22:370:22:40

Whoo!

0:23:230:23:25

TEMPO SLOWS

0:23:300:23:32

TEMPO SPEEDS UP

0:23:440:23:47

-Oh, yeah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:010:24:04

Oh! Weapons Of Sound there!

0:24:040:24:07

Whoa! Marvellous.

0:24:070:24:10

But will they be skipping out of here?

0:24:100:24:12

-Let's find out. What did you think?

-Let's crack on.

0:24:120:24:15

-Sir!

-Erm, I thought it was amazing and ear-busting

0:24:150:24:20

and the guy with the Mohican looked really creepy.

0:24:200:24:23

-The guy with the Mohican looked really creepy?

-He had cow trousers.

0:24:230:24:27

-THEY LAUGH

-Weapons Of Sound.

0:24:270:24:30

-What did you think of them?

-Erm, they had a very good rhythm

0:24:300:24:33

-and they were doing solos.

-Would you like to see them go free

0:24:330:24:38

-and release their rhythms on the world?

-Yes.

-Good to hear.

0:24:380:24:41

-Miss, what did you think of that act?

-I thought it was really good

0:24:410:24:45

how they made recycled things into instruments.

0:24:450:24:48

-You thought that was entertaining?

-Yeah.

0:24:480:24:50

-And you'd like to see it outside of this prison.

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:24:500:24:53

-What did you think of them?

-I thought it was weirdly amazing.

0:24:530:24:57

They make a heck of a noise in The Slammer

0:24:570:24:59

-when we have our sloppy porridge at night.

-Er, that's not my problem.

0:24:590:25:03

THEY LAUGH

0:25:030:25:05

You sound like a politician of the future, sir, you do.

0:25:050:25:08

-Or maybe you could be like Mr Burgess.

-Yeah!

-Yes.

0:25:080:25:11

-Do a Mr Burgess impression. Mr Burgess!

-Sir?

0:25:110:25:14

-THEY LAUGH

-Very good.

0:25:140:25:16

-Miss, could you sum that act up for me in one final word?

-Amazing.

0:25:160:25:20

-Amazing, sir.

-Well, jailors and jailbirds,

0:25:200:25:23

time to decide who's going free. Let's welcome back all the acts!

0:25:230:25:26

-Come on! Let's hear it for them!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:260:25:29

Doug Segal! Panoply!

0:25:290:25:33

Let's have them back here.

0:25:330:25:35

-Denis Remnev and Weapons Of Sound.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:350:25:39

Marvellous. Four very different performing prisoner acts

0:25:390:25:43

hoping to go free. We'll decide with this, Gimbert's Clap-o-meter.

0:25:430:25:47

The more noise you make, the higher the score on the Clap-o-meter.

0:25:470:25:51

The first act was mind-boggling. Will he be going free?

0:25:510:25:55

Let's hear it, please, for Doug Segal!

0:25:550:25:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:580:26:00

They're clapping for Doug. Oh, Doug, just 53 there.

0:26:000:26:05

53 points. Back you go. I think you might be staying in The Slammer.

0:26:050:26:09

Next, let's hear it, please, for Panoply!

0:26:090:26:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:130:26:15

Well, 90.7. Wow! Show offs.

0:26:180:26:22

Look at that. Brilliant!

0:26:220:26:24

On next to a wonderful act. Let's hear it, please, for Denis Remnev!

0:26:240:26:29

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-We like him.

0:26:290:26:32

Good score.

0:26:320:26:34

Oh, Denis, you'll have to go back on your rope. Back into your cell,

0:26:340:26:37

because you got 84.7. At the moment, in the lead is Panoply.

0:26:370:26:43

Just one performing prisoner act to go.

0:26:430:26:45

Let's hear it, please, for Weapons Of Sound!

0:26:450:26:48

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ohh!

0:26:480:26:51

They're going free! Yes, a dramatic win at the end.

0:26:550:26:58

Just got into the lead with 91.6 over Panoply,

0:26:580:27:02

it's Weapons Of Sound! You're free! You're free!

0:27:020:27:06

-Off you go! Go on! Take them away!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:060:27:08

There they go. But the good news is,

0:27:080:27:12

although you're staying in The Slammer, you're in time for tea.

0:27:120:27:15

-Mrs Burgess, what's for tea tonight?

-That'll be Chef texting me now.

0:27:150:27:20

-Oh, it's incomplete, sir.

-Really?

-Yes.

0:27:200:27:23

-It just says, "Sloppy-plo..."

-Ooh, I wonder what that could be.

0:27:230:27:26

-Take them away, Mr Burgess. I think we know.

-This way.

-Go on!

0:27:260:27:30

Sloppy-ploppy porridge yet again. Oh, never mind.

0:27:300:27:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:330:27:36

See you soon for another Freedom Show on The Slammer!

0:27:360:27:39

Goodbye, jailors and jailbirds! Bye-bye!

0:27:390:27:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:410:27:44

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

0:27:480:27:53

Well, thank heaven that's over.

0:27:530:27:55

Now, I do not want any more mime in this prison.

0:27:550:27:58

So, er, who fancies a nice...

0:27:580:28:02

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0:28:020:28:06

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