The Wrong Impression The Slammer

'Dear Mum.'

How do you spell "Mum"?

'This week's Freedom Show was specti-cular.

'Speccy-tacular...

'Really good. We had an act.'

CHEERING

'Then, another act.'

CHEERING

'Oh, yes, then, this was amazing - another act!'

# Oooby doo, shooby doo, shooby doo... #

'Anyway, it all started... at the start.'

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience

# Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act

# With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

Right. Let's see who I've chosen for this week's Freedom Show.

We've got...Team Kinetics.

Anastasia.

Top Bananas.

And Poland Rat.

-Brilliant.

-Ingenious, sir. What a clever way to choose the acts.

Thank you. Sorry about the stray darts.

THUMP!

-VOICE MIMICKING FRANK:

-Prisoner to see you, sir.

-What was that, Frank?

-I didn't say anything, sir. AS FRANK:

-Prisoner to see you.

Renowned impressionist, adorable little lad.

That was you doing him! Or, no, you doing him! That was brilliant.

Now, listen here, lad. There are lots of things I don't like in life.

Parties, for example.

-But what I really dislike is people doing impressions of me.

-SHUT UP!

-Ha-ha-ha! Brilliant!

-I don't think so, sir.

-Yeah.

-AS THE GOVERNOR:

-Who's the Governor? It's hard to tell -

jailers or jailbirds?

He's even better than me at being me!

Please, Governor, can I be on the Freedom Show this week? Please?

-I'm desperate.

-Sorry, the Freedom Show is full this week.

-AS DAVID DICKINSON:

-I tell you what, I'll be a Bobby Dazzler!

-AS BRUCE FORSYTH:

-You really are my favourite.

-AS GRAHAM NORTON:

-Yes, indeed you are!

-AS VICKY POLLARD:

-Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no...

Listen. I want to be in the show.

-Frank, get him off, he's scaring me!

-All right, that's enough, lad,

get him down to solitary confinement.

Sorry about this, sir - he's completely unhinged.

He's not himself, sir!

-AS SIMON COWELL:

-No, I'm not myself. I'm Simon Cowell,

and I'm sorry, you're not through to the next round.

It's a no from me.

Make sure he stays in solitary confinement!

Oh, Frank, if we let him onto the Freedom Show, it'd be a disaster!

Never get him off!

-AS BURGESS:

-Gimbert? Gimbert, lad? Can you hear me? Gimbert?!

-Is that you, Mr Burgess?

-Who do you think it is? Father Christmas?

-Is it?!

-No, of course it's Burgess. Now, get me out of here.

Get in there, lad!

DING-DONG!

-AS THE GOVERNOR:

-Attention, all inmates.

This is the Governor speaking.

-'Who's the Governor?'

-You're the Governor!

'With immediate effect,

'every prisoner must squish their face into their dinner.'

Oh, brilliant(!)

SQUELCH

'Now, do it again.'

Come on, Charlie, you dropped it.

-'Put your back into it!'

-Oh, this is just great(!)

'All prisoners and wardens must do a ten-second boogie.'

MUSIC PLAYS # Dance

# Boogie wonderland

# Oh, oh, dance

# Boogie wonderland

# Yeah, yeah, dance... #

'That's right, keep boogie-ing, everyone. Now, pick your noses.'

-Hold on, sir, that's not your voice!

-You're right.

-If it's not me, it must be...

-Burling! Stop that impressionist!

ALARM BELLS RING

Where are you, you meddling mimic?

-AS ALAN CARR:

-He's not down here. It's only me, Alan Carr.

-Thanks.

All right, where are you, you horrible little impressionist?

I'll show you an impression of the back of my hand, lad!

Yes, well, it's me, His Royal Highness, Prince Charles.

I'm inspecting a slammer, yes. One could do with some privacy.

Absolutely, sir. It's been a pleasure, sir.

Here, hold on a minute. All right, Burling, the game's up!

-AS WALLACE:

-Cracking cheese, Gromit! Heh-heh!

We cannot let Burling get on that stage, it'd be a disaster.

Don't you worry, sir. Got my best men on it. Well, I say best men -

more of a best man. Well, more of a... It's Gimbert, actually, sir.

-Well, how do I look? Divine, sir.

-Thank you. In that case...

-DING-DONG!

-'It's show time!

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP's Slammer,'

where you decide which prisoner is to be released!

Now, please welcome your host!

He's all dressed up in his Freedom Show frock,

and he's in for a rather nasty shock.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! It's the Governor!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Who's the Governor?!

-ALL: You are the Governor!

We've got a great Freedom Show today.

We've got a sensational spinning act, hair-raising,

called Anastasia IV!

We've got a weird and wacky band called Top Bananas.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

A most unusual act called Poland Rat.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

But now to our first performing prisoner act.

They're hoping to go free - will it be their turn?

Let's find out, as you appreciate and enjoy Team Kinetic!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Were they heroes or zeroes? Let's find out, with Mr Burgess.

-All right then. Team Kinetics. Any cop?

-They could be improved.

-In what way, sir?

-Jump over something a little bit higher than that.

-How high, sir? What are we talking, five foot?

-Seven foot.

-Eight foot?

-Ten foot, ten foot.

-Ten foot, sir! Reckon you can manage that, lads?

Ten foot? Right, see you in the prison yard tomorrow.

They're all there, the superheroes - who's your favourite?

Mine is the red-and-blue Spiderman.

-They were all surprising superheroes.

-Surprising?

-Yeah.

-What surprised you about them?

-Flipping over each other.

They're extremely entertaining, and I thought they were very flexible.

-Shall we let them go?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Right!

-One final word - sum that act up, sir.

-Super.

-Super, sir!

Well, my little syncopated cellmates...

-AS THE GOVERNOR:

-Marvellous there.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, what a lovely audience you are.

-Who's the Governor?

-ALL: You're the Governor!

Get him out of here!

-Get over there!

-Oh, dear, sorry about that.

Onto our next performing prisoner act. You're going to love this lady.

Fantastic. She flies very, very high.

She's hoping to fly out of the Slammer, and you'll decide later on.

Will you please welcome, jailers and jailbirds,

the fantastic Anastasia IV!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING

# He's like a pendulum swinging to and fro

# It makes him so psycho

# Cos he's just so psycho

# Let's go

# Psycho demons on your mind

# One day soon you'll have to find your soul

# Cos he's just so psycho

# Cos he's just so psycho

# Let's go psycho

# When the pendulum stops

# It swings back

# Coming on track for you

# Oh, yeah

# Cos he's just so psycho

# Oh, yeah

# Cos he's just so psycho

# Oh, yeah

# Cos he's just so psycho

# Oh, yeah! #

-Let's hear it for Anastasia IV!

-CHEERING

It was hair-raising, though. Will she be flying out The Slammer?

Anastasia IV - what did you make of that?

Fantastic high-flying. I think you should be doing it.

Have you seen my head? It's got a crop circle on it.

How could I do it?

-LAUGHTER

-What did you think of Anastasia?

I thought it might hurt when the string pulled her up by her hair.

-Yeah.

-I'd give it a ten out of ten.

-Should we let her go?

-Yes.

-Jolly good.

-Miss?

-I loved how it was really weirdly wonderful.

I loved her sparkly outfit and the way she threw around the glitter.

Top entertainment as far as you're concerned, Miss?

-Yes.

-Done enough to go free?

-Yes.

Have you ever been hoisted up by your hair?

-No.

-No, and I hope you never are, because that's a professional act.

-Should we let her go free, though?

-No.

-Why not?

She'll freak people out in the street.

LAUGHTER

-AS FRANK:

-Sum that act up for me in one final word.

Get off! Get hold of this maniac! Get hold of him!

Terribly sorry about that, miss. Back to the original and the best.

-Sum that act up for me in one final word.

-Strong.

Strong.

Time for a little respite now,

as we introduce the act known as Solitary Confinement!

These are acts that we can't let out into society or into The Slammer.

They have to stay there in solitary confinement,

but we give them a chance to perform in the freedom show.

If they do well, they get a treat,

and today's treat, if they get the thumbs up, they can go to F Wing

and see the ballet that's being put on by all the inmates in F Wing.

It's The Nutcracker. They'll enjoy it.

If they don't do well - back to solitary confinement

-for a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess!

-Ah!

What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today it's playing the banjo

while sucking semolina through a hole in a dirty sock, sir.

Eugh! We need a judge. Mr Burgess,

using your wisdom and discernment, would you choose a young person?

-What about you, miss? Would you do it?

-A round of applause.

Thank you, madam. Just check. What's your name?

-Emma.

-Have you got a thumb?

You'll need that for thumbs up or thumbs down,

as we prepare for the act, Portly Pat Valance

And His Bubble Wrap Breakdance!

Come on!

# Everybody wants to live my life

# But they can't - I'm the one and only

# I've been around the world

# I've got the finest girl

# Everybody wants to live my life

# But they can't - I'm the one and only

# I've been around the world

# I'm the king, baby

# Yo, you can't stop this

# I'm too hot

# I just can't chop this up

# I'm the real deal, son, watch this

# Want to freeze my track... #

Thank you very much, sir.

There we are.

Portly Pat Valance

And His Bubble Wrap Breakdance.

Well, Emma, it's up to you to decide now.

Remember, thumbs up, prima ballerina,

thumbs down, sweaty sock and semolina.

You've got five seconds to decide.

And it starts now!

Up! Oh, what a kind person you are!

Off you go, Emma.

Well, you're off to the ballet.

Right, on to our next performing prisoner act.

Jailers and jailbirds, this is a high-flyer act -

they're tremendous - they are The Top Banana!

# Jungle boogie

# Jungle boogie, jungle boogie... #

Play it now!

# I'm the king of the swingers

# The jungle VIP

# I've reached the top and had to stop

# And that's what botherin' me

# I want to be a man man cub

# And stroll right into town

# And be just like the other men

# I'm tired of monkeyin' around

# Oobee doo, I want to be like you

# I want to walk like you, talk like you

# Oobee doo

# You see, it's true-ue

# An ape like me

# Can learn to be human too... #

Clap your hands like this!

# Oo-bee do

# I want to be like you-ou-ou

# I want to walk like you, talk like you, oo-bee do, oobee do

# You see, it's true-ue

# Someone like me, oo-bee do oo-ee

# Can learn to be like someone like you

# One, one, two for the show

# Three to get ready, let's go, cat, go! #

APPLAUSE

How are you?

Off they go. Top Bananas!

But are they going to skid on a banana skin?

Let's find out with the king of the swingers, Mr Burgess.

Right then, top bananas or a bag of sultanas?

-I thought they were crazy.

-Crazy?

-Yeah.

-Why?

They were doing really crazy stuff and on stilts.

It was really talented.

Would you sleep well at night

knowing they were free back in the entertainment community?

Yeah.

Jolly good.

Now then, what did you think of that act?

-I thought it was really good.

-They were good.

-Different.

-Yeah, very different.

Bit of a strain on the neck.

Yeah, sort of.

Do you think they can improve their act?

Um, maybe taller stilts.

Taller stilts?! How tall?

Er, maybe ten foot.

-But you think they should go free?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

What did you make of it?

-AS HARRY HILL:

-I liked that act, yeah,

but I liked the other acts too, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which one is best? There's only one way to find out.

-Fight!

-Hold on!

It's Burling, sir! Burling!

-Well, ladies and gentlemen...

-Oh, please let me do my act!

Not now, Paul, no.

Look, I do loads of impressions, cartoon impressions...

-The audience will love it.

-I don't know...

-CHEERING

-Do you want to see another act?

What about Poland Rat, won't he mind?

HE SNORES

All right then, for one night only, jailers and jailbirds,

please enjoy the sensational impressions of Paul Burling!

We're going to start off with some silly impressions, OK,

like the first man to walk on the Sun.

Oh! Ah! Oh! Ah!

That's hot!

And the next one is a pigeon in a post office.

Look at the queue!

And the next one is a chicken -

a chicken in a library?

Book!

Book!

Book! Book! Book! Book! Book! Book! Book! Book! Book! Book!

DVD! Which they do now.

The final one, then.

The final silly impression is a sheep walking backwards.

Aab, aab!

Aab!

Talking of sheep, we've all seen Shaun The Sheep, yeah?

Yeah, it's great, isn't it? It's made by the same people

that made this character.

-AS WALLACE:

-Aye, cracking toast, Gromit!

Cheese, Gromit! Cheese!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Now, there's some more animated characters for you.

-AS SHREK:

-Donkey, get out of my swamp!

-AS DONKEY:

-Hey, Shrek, man!

You're my best buddy in the whole world! I love you, Shrek!

We're going to be the best friends ever, in the whole wide world.

LAUGHTER

-AS GENIE:

-2,000 years can give you such a crick in the neck!

I-I-I-I-I-itty bitty space!

-AS BUZZ LIGHTYEAR:

-Space?

Like a space Ranger?

To infinity and beyond!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If I say these names to you, try and think of the cartoon.

Fred, Daphne, Velma. Who is it?

ALL: Scooby Doo!

-AS SHAGGY:

-Scooby-Doo! Where are you?

-AS SCOOBY:

-Huh? Raggy? Raggy?

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Scooby Snack!

Hee-hee-hee!

Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have to say that this next

and final cartoon has got to be my most favourite.

Here we go. Ready?

-AS MARGE SIMPSON:

-Homey, homey. You know I love you, honey.

-AS HOMER:

-Ooh, Marge, I have doughnuts! Uhhh!

Sweet doughnuts! Is there nothing they can't do? D'oh!

-Bart, why, you little...

-AS BART:

-Eat my shorts, man!

-Who-Who's on telly, dude?

-AS KRUSTY:

-Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

Hi, kids, it's old Krusty the Clown! Hu-hu-ha-ha-ha!

-AS MR BURNS:

-Excellent, Smithers.

-Who is that man?

-AS SMITHERS:

-That's Simpson, sir.

-AS BARNEY:

-Hi, Homer.

-HE BURPS

-AS APU:

-Thank you, call again.

MUSIC: "Looney Tunes" theme

All I can say is...

-AS PORKY PIG:

-Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Paul Burling, we gave him a chance.

Did he make a good impression on you? Let's find out!

Right, Paul Burling. Pretending to be somebody else. A good thing?

I thought he was very funny. I like the way he acted like the Simpsons.

-You liked his Simpsons?

-Mm-hm.

-Best part of the act for you?

-Mm-hm.

Do you think, after all the trouble he's caused today, he should go free?

-Er...yeah.

-What about this young man here? What about in a news style?

Here is The Slammer news.

Today, Paul Burling was extremely cool

and should be released out of The Slammer immediately.

-Back to you, Governor.

-Thank you very much. Wow.

-Sir?

-I thought he was really funny and he made me laugh so much.

-Hold on, sir.

-Have you got something to say at the same time?

-No.

-Shut up, then.

-Do you think he should go free, sir?

-Yes.

-He's getting your vote?

-Yeah.

-He's been a bit naughty, but should we let him go free?

-Definitely.

-Is his comedy better, or his impressions?

-His impressions.

-What was your favourite one?

-The Simpsons.

-One final word, sir!

-Funny.

-Funny, sir!

We've got four acts to welcome back. Here they come. Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Team Kinetix, Anastasia,

Top Bananas and Paul Burling!

Come on, Top Bananas.

Well, jailers and jailbirds, four performing prisoner acts,

all hoping to go free, to be released into society.

Their debt to showbiz paid. Who will it be? We'll decide with this.

Yes, the Clap-o-meter. It turns all your applause into points.

The highest points means they will go free.

You love them all, they were brilliant.

First act was Team Kinetix!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh! Oh, wow!

90s, they're into the 90s, 90.1. Brilliant score there.

Well, on to the next performing prisoner act. Will she go free?

It's Anastasia IV.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a look. 86.5.

Unfortunately, you're staying with us. Ah!

Team Kinetix in the lead with 90.1.

The next act, we had to crane our necks to see.

Will they be going free? What did you think of Top Bananas?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Top Bananas, but not the top score. 73.9. It's good.

Still in the lead at the moment, going free, it's Team Kinetix.

Only one more act to see. He's been a right rascal,

but he came and did his stuff on The Slammer stage.

Did he do enough?

Let's find out as you show your appreciation for Paul Burling!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's gone into the lead with 91.5! He's going free! Paul Burling!

Go on, Paul, you're free. He's going free. There we are.

But it does mean, for all you other acts,

the good news - you're in time for tea.

What's for tea? Not the usual?

Well, we thought about doing something different

-with the porridge today, sir.

-Really?

Yep, then decided against it, so it's sloppy, ploppy porridge.

Oh! Take them back to the cell. Go on, everybody. Back you go.

Give them a big hand. Top Bananas, Anastasia and Team Kinetix.

That's it for another Freedom Show.

Give everyone a big round of applause and a cheer.

Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

I've been working on a few impressions of my own.

-Have you really, sir?

-Yes, how do you like this one?

-AS FRANK:

-Mr Burgess, you 'orrible little warden! "Sir!"

AS GOVERNOR: You know, that's not half bad. Hee-hee-hee.

Who's that supposed to be?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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