Governor Gimbert The Slammer

'Dear Mum, I'm on toilet duty again today.

'I do Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays.

'Oh yeah, and Sundays. That doesn't sound quite right.

'Anyway, we've got a great show coming up.'

MUSIC

CHEERING Superb!

'There's a funny feeling in The Slammer this week.

'It seems like everyone is laughing at me. I just can't work out why.'

LAUGHTER

'I'm sure I'm just imagining it. Love, Gimbert.'

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try and get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

-Everything ready?

-All set, Sir.

-OK. He's coming.

KNOCK AT DOOR Enter.

-You wanted to see me, Sir?

-Yes, yes, come in.

Ha-ha-hoo-hoo!

All the acts are here. We've got Up & Over It.

# Americano... #

-Acer Capoeira

-CLAPPING

Tumbellina.

And Tiernan Douieb.

Yes, yes. Now, Gimbert, I've always held you in the highest regard.

-Have you?

-Yes, I have.

Which is why I've decided to entrust a vitally important task to you.

-Really?

-Gimbert, I want you to personally...

..redecorate my office.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I can be a little bit clumsy.

No, no, no. Nonsense. Nonsense. This job has got your name all over it.

You go right ahead. I've got total confidence in you.

If you don't mind, I'll just play a little music while you work.

MUSIC

-Are you sure about this?

-Yes. Go right ahead, son.

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Ha-ha-ha!

That's it! You think you're so brilliant, don't you, Uncle?

Well, the fact is, anyone could do your job!

-Why, you ungrateful...

-Oh, not that, Sir.

I stood up for you when everyone said, "Don't employ your nephew.

"He's an idiot." Do you know what I said?

I said, "You're right, he is an idiot."

But I employed you anyway out of the goodness of my heart

because you are family and family comes first.

And this, this is how you repay me.

My own flesh and blood.

-Marvellous, Sir.

-Thank you.

-Wonderful performance.

Gimbert, you'll be punished for this and punished severely.

Gimbert, I want you to clean out...

..the store room.

-Not the store room!

-Yes! Y-e-e-e-s!

EVIL LAUGHTER

I wish I didn't work here. I'm wasted in this place.

If only there was a way where wishes could come true.

It would get me out of this store room, away from...

..old socks.

And bog brushes.

And Aladdin's lamps.

Aladdin's lamps?

Clean me, fool!

Eh?

Just rub me with your sleeve, will you?

HE COUGHS

-Are you thick, or what?

-Not you as well.

Just make a wish, will you? And don't pick something stupid.

A bucket of batter bits!

-You can have anything you want, you dimwit.

-Anything, you say?

I wish I was the governor.

That's quite a good choice, actually.

-KNOCK ON THE DOOR

-Yes, Sir? I mean, come in.

The audience are coming in, Sir.

-Don't go. Do you mind if I ask you a question?

-Not at all.

-Do you respect me?

-Absolutely, Sir.

-You don't find me amusing, a laughing stock, a figure of fun?

-No.

You have my complete devotion and admiration.

What about if I did this?

I'm sure you'd have your reasons, Sir. You are the governor after all.

Sir, we've got a problem.

Acer Capoeira wants to go on before Up & Over It

because Acer Capoeira has got a weak bladder.

But Tiernan Douieb thinks they've been put up to it by Tumbellina.

-Burgess, what's his name again?

-Lafayette, Sir.

-Really? Oh, OK.

Lafayette, you are a shining example

and I'd like to entrust you with a vitally important task.

-I'd like you to redecorate my office.

-OK, Sir.

While you do it, I'd like to play a little music.

MUSIC:"A-Team Theme"

Voila!

-No!

-You're supposed to put the bucket...

-Shouldn't we get on with the show?

-You should be laughing at him!

I can if you want me to, Sir. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Is that the sort of thing you're after?

-All right then.

-How do I look?

-Not so good, to be honest, Sir.

-All right.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

'where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

'Now, please welcome your host. He's all dressed in white and...

'What?

'Really? Are you sure?

'Well, OK, if you say so. It's the Gimbert!'

APPLAUSE

Who's the guv'nor?

You're supposed to say, "I'm the guv'nor".

-AUDIENCE: I'm the guv'nor!

-No, you're supposed to say, "Me".

-AUDIENCE: Me!

-No, not me, you!

-AUDIENCE: You!

-Oh, forget it.

-Say nothing.

-AUDIENCE: Nothing!

-This isn't how I thought it would be.

Here's the first act, Up & Over It.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "We No Speak Americano" by Yolanda Be Cool

THEY DRUM

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

-It's all right, I've got it.

-I've got it, Uncle.

Wow! That was fantastic! Let's find out what you thought.

Up & Over It there. I was, were you?

-I thought it was sensational.

-Why?

-The way they were tapping.

-Tapping and drumming.

-Yeah.

-Are you a tapper and a drummer?

-No.

-No?

-No.

Sorry, mind my boots. What did you think of that?

I thought it was fantastic the way they were together.

-Do you think they had to practise for long?

-Yeah.

-Give them marks out of 10.

-I'd give them 10.

-What about you?

-I thought it was good fun and I loved it.

-You think that was a swanky act?

-Yeah.

What was the best thing about that act?

How they kept the rhythm by banging on the table.

-Do you think you could do a bit of that banging on your pad?

-No.

-What about...

-SCREAMING

Oh, yes, this is more like it. Right then, Up & Over It there.

But on to our second act here this evening.

Now, it's time to put your hands together for Acer Capoeira.

APPLAUSE

CAPOEIRA MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Right, Acer Capoeira there. What did you think?

-Let's find out, with Mr Lafayette.

-Yes, Sir. That's me!

LAUGHTER

Right, I want to ask you what you thought of that act, Acer Capoeira?

-I can hardly say it. Can you say it?

-Erm, no.

-No. Thank you very much.

-What about you?

-It was cool because of the flips and the music.

-The splits and music?

-The flips.

-I do beg your pardon.

-Anything else to add to that?

-No.

What did you think about Acer Capoeira?

They were the best. If they don't go through, I'll break them out.

-You'll break them out yourself?

-Yes.

-Sir?

That was the best act I've ever seen before. It was awesomely sick.

-Is that sick in a get down, hip and young way?

-No.

Not sick as in, "Oh, there's my cheese rolls!"

-Yes.

-Yes?

-No.

-Yes or no, Sir?

-No.

-No?

-Yes.

-Yes?

Listen, Sir, what's it to be? Is it yes or no, Sir?

-No.

-No?

-Yes.

-Yes?

What about a final word to sum up that act, please, Sir?

-They were like...

-One word please, Sir.

-Like zero...

-That's not one word, is it?

-Awesome!

-Awesome, Sir.

Right then. Moving on in a very smart and regimental way,

let's get on to the part of the show we call Solitary Confinement.

This is where we bring out one of our prisoners to try his luck.

So bad at his act,

that we keep him locked away from the rest of the prison.

Now, if he does well and you like him, he gets a nice treat.

And today, it's a nice pair of shop-bought woollen leg warmers.

But if he displeases and gets the thumbs down,

then it's a cruel and unusual punishment

back in solitary confinement.

So, Mr Lafayette. What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today's cruel and unusual punishment is he will be taken back

to solitary confinement and force fed 50 pickled eggs.

50 pickled eggs. Right, all we need is a judge and juror.

That young lady there.

-Give her a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-Right, Miss, name?

-Jodie.

-Then let's get on with it.

Bring on today's Solitary Confinement. Off you go.

WESTERN MOVIE MUSIC

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS

BELL CHIMES

Now then, Jodie, there you go.

Pretty horrific, I think you'll find.

Now, put your thumb out nice and level like that.

Remember, if it's thumbs up, it's nice, comfy legs.

If it's thumbs down, it's bunged up with eggs.

You've got five seconds, starting now.

Take them away back to solitary confinement. A wise choice, Miss.

If you'd like to leave now.

On with the show. Now, it's time for Tumbellina.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Let's get some comments with Mr Burgess!

Right, Tumbellina there, grace and elegance personified,

but you want to hear the noise

when she eats a roast potato in the prison canteen, Sir.

-What did you think?

-Amazing,

really good how she did all of the flips and all those things.

Is that the sort of act you'd like to see?

-Yeah.

-If she was released today,

you'd pay money to go and see that sort of thing?

-Er, maybe.

-Maybe. Not too sure.

That was brilliant! What did you think?

It's amazing, because of the balances.

-What mark would you give out of ten?

-Ten.

-Madam?

-I thought it was awesome, very mystical and fluent.

Was it very pretty, miss? Just like you?

LAUGHTER

Should they be released from The Slammer? And why?

I think they should, because their dance is amazing and really elegant.

And one final word from Mr Burgess.

-Miss?

-Spectacular.

-Spectacular, Sir!

That feels better. I'm back! Who's the guv'nor?

ALL: You're the guv'nor!

I am, my little jailers and jailbirds,

and we've one more performing prisoner act to see.

It's Tiernan Douieb!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello, and to any cows in the audience,

good moo-ning.

-Are you up for some rubbish art?

-YES!

-Superb.

OK, let's start with a little portrait.

You, this lady here, what's your name?

-Zora.

-Zora! What an awesome name, Zora.

You look very familiar, Zora. I'm not really sure why.

Let me have a look at you.

Actually, Zora, I think that you remind me

of the little girl I saw today who was picking her nose and eating it.

Yeah! Disgusting, isn't it? I went up to her and said,

"When your mum told you to eat your greens, that's not what she meant."

So, you've got sort of hair here. You've got a very small nose, Zora.

Can you only smell very small things, like mouse trumps?

A girlie pigtail there and another one here,

and that's sort of a really rubbish drawing of your face!

Yay, it's a rubbish portrait!

But here, ladies and gentlemen, is the magic of art.

That's your dad!

Yay! Right, what's it going to be? What is it?

What is it? What is it? What is it?

SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE

What's it going to be? No, no, what's it going to be?

What is it? What is it? What is it?

What is it? What is it? I don't know. What is that?

No, really, what is it?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

SHOUTING

I don't know! I don't know, I have no idea.

I saw it earlier. It terrified me. I thought you were going to help me.

-Final portrait. What's your name?

-Jordan.

Nice to meet you. We'll do a quick portrait of you.

Let me see your face. Ah...hm...

LAUGHTER

Let's just see your face.

Er...hm...and...

I'm just trying to get the face right. Er, let's see....

It's you disguised as a penguin!

You are very good at that. You'd be brilliant in the Arctic.

I've been Tiernan Douieb. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yeah! Give him a big cheer!

Tiernan Douieb. What a marvellous artist, as well.

Is he going free from the "pen"

or is he going to stay in with his cray-in?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

Let's leap straight in here. Would you consider that a waste of paper?

-Stupid!

-Stupid?

-Yeah.

-Why, Sir?

Cos he done nothing.

What was it he done nothing about, Sir?

Erm... Shot your mouth off there, haven't you, Sir, eh?

Did you like Tiernan Douieb?

Erm, well, he was quite good,

but he needs more practice at drawing his cartoon pictures.

What score have you given him?

-One out of ten.

-One out of ten?!

-For his jokes.

-What did you think of that comedian?

-I think he was quite funny

-and the drawings are weird.

-Has he done enough to be released?

-Yeah.

-A score out of ten for Tiernan Douieb?

-Eight.

-Eight.

For one final word to sum that act up,

I'm going to this young lady here.

-Coo-coo.

-Coo-coo, Sir. Lovely!

Well, marvellous. Four performing prisoners, but only one can go free.

Let's welcome them all back. Up & Over It, come on!

Acer Capoeria! Tumbellina! And Tiernan Douieb!

Come on, jailers and jailbirds! Yes! My word!

One act will go free by using this device,

Gimbert's all-patented Clap-o-meter.

The more noise you make, the more points they get,

and then one act will go free.

Well, first, they were splendid,

they were different. Dancing with your hands!

Put YOUR hands together for Up & Over It!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Yeah!

A great score of 92.3 for Up & Over It. That's brilliant.

The next prisoners, will they be going free?

There's lots of them. Unusual rhythm, dancing,

even fighting at one stage! Acer Capoeria!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woah!

Oh, there we are. Oh, 91.3! Not quite. A great score.

The nineties is tremendous, but it means that Up & Over It

are in lead position at the moment just by the one point.

Next, of course, we had a beautiful act, like little fairies in a jar.

They were the extraordinary Tumbellina!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! I don't believe it, also in the nineties! 90.4!

But they're not going free.

Three in the nineties. Isn't that brilliant?

Well, at the moment it's Up & Over It

who could be going up and over that wall.

One more to show your appreciation for.

He was funny, he was artistic. He was Tiernan Douieb!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! At the very end, I think he's nicked it.

He has! Going free with 93.2, it's Tiernan Douieb!

You're free to go. You're free to go.

That's good news for Tiernan Douieb.

The others, there is some good news. They get to stay for our tea.

Mr Burgess, tell me, what's for tea?

We've had one of these celebrity chefs in the kitchen today.

-Jamie Oliver.

-Jamie Oliver?!

-Oh, you want to see what he's done.

-What has he done?

-Sloppy-ploppy porridge, Sir.

-Ohhh!

Take them back for sloppy-ploppy porridge.

Give them a big round of applause, jailers and jailbirds, please.

Up & Over It and Tumbellina. That's it from us.

See you soon. Bye, everybody!

Bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #

So, Gimbert, you think you're unappreciated, do you,

not given enough responsibility?

Well, yes, since you ask.

OK, then.

I'm going to let you decide what we do with our final wish.

-Do you think that's wise, sir?

-He wants to be taken seriously.

I wish for a new gym for the prison,

larger cells, a new office for the governor

and a revamped security system.

All made of cheese!

-NO!

-NO!

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk