Dressed to Impress The Slammer

'Dear Mum, Spectacular costumes in this show.

'Cowboys, bullfighters, and that was the Governor.

'The acts were well-dressed too.

'Some of the Governor's outfits were ridiculous.

'You'd never catch me wearing anything quite so stupid.

'It all started when the Governor's showtime suit got a bit dirty.'

# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste

# Performing to the limit to try to get released

# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #

One for you and three for me.

One for you and three, four...

Do you know, I never was very good at counting!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Nearly showtime, sir. Good grief, sir! What are you wearing?

-What are you not wearing?

-How do I look?

-Indecent, sir.

-Jellybean?

Am I awake? We've got no time for this, sir. Pull your socks up.

-I already have, Frank.

-No, no.

-Where's your showtime suit, sir?

-I had a bit of an accident.

-Eugh. What sort of accident?

-Bit tricky to explain.

Ay, ay, ay!

SPANISH MUSIC

Ole!

MUSIC GETS FASTER

Ole!

Let's just say I fell over. Don't worry.

I sent Gimbert to get it dry cleaned.

He should be back any minute now.

Any minute now.

-Jellybean?

-I've had enough of this, sir.

Dressed or not, you've got to inspect those Freedom Show acts.

-Put this on.

-I can't go out dressed like this.

-Why not, sir?

-I haven't got my slippers on.

SQUEAKING

All right, you lot. Look sharp. Haa-ten, haa-ten, huun!

Freedom Show prisoners, ready for your inspection, sir.

Very good. Thank you, Mr Burgess. Lovely to see you.

-You must be Juggling On Tap.

-ALL: Yes we are.

Is that the Governor's new uniform?

It's a little bit informal, isn't it?

Ah, Theo Dari. Laserman. Looking forward to seeing you in action.

Stop being so fasetious, lad.

Governor's just finished a...training session. That's it.

Ah. Igor and Slavi, The German Wheel. Looking magnificent.

-Training?

-Training to be a... boxer! That's it! Boxer.

Steve Best. Another chance for you, lad.

Very keen on boxing, the Governor. Queensbury rules and all that.

-Aren't you, sir?

-What's that?

-Boxing, sir. Love to box, sir?

Boxes, I love boxes. Big boxes, little boxes.

Some boxes have cakes in, er, which reminds me... Excuse me a minute.

Gimlet better hurry back with that suit,

otherwise we are going to be a laughing stock.

ALARM WAILS

No, sir! You can't pull that lever until you're properly dressed.

-Or at least decently covered.

-Aw. Where is Gimbert?

Sorry I'm late.

-I ran as fast as I could.

-Give me the bag. I need to get changed.

There might be a problem, Uncle.

I don't want to hear it.

-Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

Pull that lever.

-Me, sir?

-Just this once.

Sir!

It's showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Please welcome your host.

# He's a high falutin' rootin' tootin' son of a gun from Arizona

# Ragtime cowboy... Ted. #

It's the Governor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who's the Governor?

-ALL: You're the Governor!

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-It's mighty fine to see ya!

As you can see, there's been a slight mix up over my costume.

We've got marvellous acts.

We've a mighty fine comedian, Steve Best.

We've got a very, very unusual act, Igor and Slavi.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

And we've got the laser action of Theo Duri!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

But right now, my criminal critics,

let's kick it off with a ho-de-ho.

-Give me a ho-de-ho.

-Ho-de-ho!

-Give me a hi-de-hi!

-Hi-de-hi!

-Welcome Juggling On Tap! Say yee-ha!

-Yee-ha!

MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

One, two. One, two, three, four.

PLAYS FOLK TUNE ON FLUTE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One, two, three... MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN

CHEERING

CHEERING

Hi-de-ho! Yeah!

Wow. Hi-de-hi!

Let's find out what you thought with Mr Burgess!

Juggling On Tap, miss.

I liked the juggling, because it was cool.

What about keeping that beat and that rhythm going, eh?

-I wouldn't be able to do it!

-No, I don't suppose you could.

-Tell us about Juggling On Tap.

-It was amazing, they should go through.

-You liked the music...?

-Yeah, it was amazing.

-What about you, sir?

-It was very good. The drum and flute were great,

and the tap dancer-juggler was like a musician.

And for a final word, sum that act up for me, miss.

-Amazing.

-Amazing!

Where's me showtime suit?

The dry cleaner said it wasn't ready!

Well, get it sorted out, little monkey!

-There, boy! Get out of it!

-GIMBERT YELPS

JAUNTY MUSIC

Right now, we've got a very funny inmate indeed,

he's been in The Slammer for quite a while.

We're going to give him another chance for freedom -

please welcome, jailers and jailbirds,

the comic genius of Steve Simply-the-Best!

CHEERING

Thanks very much, nice to be here. I've got a granddad, though.

I was erm... Strawberry!

I was named after him. I was called, er...Granddad.

LAUGHTER

He's dead now. He's not... He could be - don't matter!

He's dead. He got killed!

He was trying to stop a fight. It was a big fight...World War II.

I tried a lie detector test - and I passed.

No, I failed - I didn't take it.

LAUGHTER

Six of spades, six of spades... Nine of hearts.

HE GASPS Wow... It's good, isn't it?

Whoo - hang on...

LAUGHTER

OK, this next piece was actually taught to me by my father.

OK, so... And erm...

Any resemblance to Elton John is coincidental - and on purpose.

WHISTLING AND GUITAR MUSIC

APPLAUSE

DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC

MUSIC CHANGES TO "THE BARE NECESSITIES"

BACK TO PIANO MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Ole!

-ALL: Ole!

Yes, and "ole" to you as well, Gimbert, thank you very much.

Sorry about that.

I've got another outfit, just to ring the changes, as it were.

But, Steve Best, very funny man.

What did you think? Let's ask the man

who knows all about comedy, he's a laugh a decade, Mr Burgess!

Right, Steve best. Best, worst or indifferent? Miss?

It was crazy and completely mad, but hilarious at the same time.

He reminded me of Harry Hill.

Yes, the bald head and the glasses, that sort of thing.

This is his second chance on this show.

Blew it the first time, didn't you? Oi!

Stop mucking about, Best.

-Do you like comedy, sir?

-Erm, yes.

-Who's your favourite comedian?

-Erm, him.

-Him?

-Yep.

-And he made you laugh?

-Really made me laugh.

Show me how much.

LAUGHS

Do you think we should let him go?

ALL: YES!

-Ooh, they all do!

-One final word, sir.

-Perfectamundo.

-Perfectamundo, sir.

Are you trying to show me up? This one's worse than the last!

-I bought a selection this time.

-Oh, good lad.

I'll get changed after solitary confinement.

Right, prancing prisoner appreciators,

it's on to the act that we call Solitary Confinement.

SCREAMING

These acts are so naughty, we can't let them back out,

but if they do well, we give them a treat.

Today's treat, we're going to let them have a stroll in the yard.

They can have a sniff of the flower.

If they don't do well, they get a thumbs-down

and go back into cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess.

-Sir!

-What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?

Today, sir, it's being locked in a wardrobe

with Dribbly Derek, the trumping strongman,

whilst reading the complete works of Shakespeare.

-We need on adjudicator, one judge.

-Mr Burgess with your trained eye...

-What about you, sir?

-Come on, give him a round of applause.

-Let's find out, young man, what's your name, please?

-Oliver.

Let's go over here because it's time for the act that we call

Solitary Confinement!

ROCKABILLY STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

# This old house is known to children

# This old house I've known a while

# This old house is home and comfort

# This old house has gone awry

# And this house is full of laughter

# This old house is full of kids

# I don't know what's coming next We better get along with this

# Ain't gonna need this house no longer

# Ain't gonna need this house no more

# Ain't got time to fix the shingles

# Ain't got time to fix the floor

# Ain't got time to oil the hinges

# Of that broken window pane

# Ain't gonna need this house no longer

# Cos it's...the same. #

There we are, over there.

Well, there we are, Solitary Confinement.

I think we put them in the right place to start with. Oliver,

it's time to decide. Remember, if he gets the thumbs up,

it's a stroll in the yard. Thumbs down,

it's trumping with the bard.

Hold up that thumb.

You've got five seconds to decide his fate starting from now!

Oh, straightaway! Straightaway down! Back to the cell.

There he goes. Oh, dear. Give Oliver a round of applause.

Now, listen.

King Lear, by William Shakespeare.

"Gloucester, it always seemed to us..."

PFFFFRRRRT!

"..but now, in the division of the kingdom..."

PFFFFRRRRRT! SQUELCHING

"..it appears that curiosity..."

PFFFFRRRRRT!

-STRAINING

-"..make their choice..."

SQUELCHING

The Slammer - bringing intellectual culture to a new level.

We have an act all the way from Europe.

They're wonderful. They are Igor and Slavi - The German Wheel!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much, yeah. Et tu, Gimbert, et tu.

On with the show and, well, they were a marvellous act.

Igor and Slavi - The German Wheel. How did they do it?

Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

-Sir.

-Mind-blowingly fantastic.

What was mind-blowing about it, sir?

It was just amazing.

Amazing. Have they done enough to, er, to get out of this here place?

They're definitely going to get out.

Are you going to put your house on it?

-Yes.

-Have you got a house?

-No.

-No?

What did you think of the wheelie good act?

It was out of this world and looked very scary.

-Scary? Where?

-When they went round and round.

-Yeah...

-Cos they were so close to the floor.

What about you, sir?

My head was spinning like I was actually in the wheel.

Your head was spinning, sir?

-It was that good.

-It WAS that good.

Would you like to go in a wheel until your head went a bit spinny?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-It would be fun.

Health and safety dictates I can't allow that.

What did you think of that last act that you saw?

It was amazing the way they spun round. I'd be very dizzy.

-Do you think they should go free?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

In one word, sum that act up for me, miss.

-Dizzy-tastic.

-Dizzy-tastic, sir.

Listen, Gimbert, before I decide to separate you from your breath,

-you'd better give me something suitable to wear!

-There you go.

-I've got the very thing, Uncle.

-It better had be!

Jailers and jailbirds, it's on to our final performing prisoner.

He is Theo Dari, The Laserman. Whoo!

CHEERING

AUDIENCE GASPS

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sir, sir, you've got to come out and finish the show.

No. I look ridiculous.

-Oh, please, Uncle.

-No. I've had enough.

-I suppose I could finish the show, sir.

-Hang on a minute.

Just hang on a minute.

LAUGHTER

I'll have a word with you later, Gimbert.

Ah, yes. Oh!

Yes, one's loyal jailers and jailbirds,

how wonderful to see Theo Dari, Mr Theo Dari, the Laserman,

but should he be kept here in the tower or receive a royal pardon?

Let us speak now to Prince Francis Burgess.

Right. Theo Dari. Lasery?

It was brilliant. He made it look really effective.

In what way was it effective, miss?

-It looked really cool.

-What did you think about the Laserman?

-Speechless.

-Yes? Well, there's no point talking to you then.

-No!

Miss, what about you?

It was incredible and phenomenal. I loved it.

-Did you enjoy the Laserman, Theo Dari?

-Yeah!

Tell me about his act, so I can tell the court.

Awesome. It was out of this world. I couldn't believe it.

-Sum that act up for me in one final word, miss.

-Confusing.

Confusing, sir.

Well, jailers and jailbirds,

I'm dressed in an alternative costume till my real one comes back

and I shall press on.

It's time now to decide who goes free from the slammer.

It's the Freedom Show, so welcome them all back - Juggling On Tap,

Steve Best, Igor and Slavi,

and Theo Dari, the Laserman.

Oh, yes.

They were all sensational. Sadly, only one of them gets to go free.

The others stay and if they're lucky,

they'll have tea at the Slammer.

You know what tea is at the Slammer, don't you?

Anyway, let's find out who's getting the highest score on this,

the brilliant Gimbert's Clap-o-meter.

There it is. You clap and cheer, they're turned into points.

Whoever gets the highest score goes free. It is as simple as that.

So, will you please welcome, first up, it was Juggling On Tap!

CHEERING

Good healthy score there. 74.3 for Juggling On Tap.

Thank you very much indeed. This next man,

we've had him before in the Slammer, he's been here for a while.

I'm hoping he'll go free, as I've heard all his jokes before.

They made you laugh. He's wonderful, will he be free?

Please, your appreciation for Steve. Is he the best?

CHEERING

Oh, he goes into the lead with three fat ladies, 88.8. Look at that!

Marvellous! A comedy T-shirt as well, Steve.

Good effort. Steve's in the lead.

Will he escape the porridge?

Let's find out as we go on to our third performing prisoner.

It is the wonderful German Wheel, the spinning wheel,

that's what it's called, Igor and Slavi!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

Wow! Look at that! They scorch into the lead! They spin into the lead!

91 points - they're in the lead at the moment. In pole position there.

Well, my little felon fans, only one performing prisoner to see.

Could he pip them at the post?

You loved him. He was light-tastic. He was the Laserman.

He was Theo Dari!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

Oh, yes! I think he's done it. Let's have a look. 95.5. He goes free!

You're the winner! You can go!

Give him a big hand. Free at last. Theo Dari!

Oh, light-tastic. Theo Dari is going free, jailers and jailbirds.

But that means the rest of you are in time for tea.

-Mr Burgess.

-Ha!

-What is for tea?

Tonight, sir, it's the Easter Special.

Ooh, the Easter Special! What's that?

It's a beautiful Faberge Egg,

encrusted in chocolate with a lovely filling, sir.

-What's the lovely filling?

-Sloppy, ploppy porridge.

-Can they eat the egg?

-No.

-Right, you lot.

-Oh, Mr Burgess, take them all back to the cells.

Give them a big cheer. Sloppy, ploppy porridge for them.

Well, you take care of yourselves

and I'll give you a royal wave and say, from everybody here, cheerio!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's the only way to get out with The Slammer! #

Another great Freedom Show all wrapped up.

It's time to feed the corgis. Will one stop doing that?

-You'll give one a heart attack.

-It's from the dry cleaners.

Dry cleaners? It says...

"We are sending your showtime suit back. Please find it enclosed."

Enclosed?

They've boil-washed it.

-Do you know what I like about you, Gimbert?

-What's that?

-Nothing.