Single White Female/Can't Buy Me Love The Story of Tracy Beaker

# I can make my world come true

# All my dreams will see me through

-# It doesn't matter what may come my way...

-No! No!

# Believe me now I will win some day. #

BOTH: One, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two, three...

Ha-ha! I win.

What? My scissors beat your paper!

It's not paper, it's a big, fat laser cannon!

Your scissors have been disintegrated! Ha-ha!

Big, fat laser! Big, fat laser!

-Don't!

-Big, fat laser!

Anyway, I wanna do something else.

I'm bored!

Where is everyone today?

BORED!

What are you up to?

-We're very busy.

-We've been working out how to make maps.

Layla's got a theory. Now all we need to do is put it into practice.

-Om!

->

Om!

Om!

Do you mind? I'm trying to meditate.

-Om!

-It's no good. Everyone's doing their own thing. What can we do?

Om!

BORED!

CAR DOOR CLOSES

I remember when I was a student. It's awful, not knowing what to do.

Being lost and alone and feeling useless.

If you don't know what to do, just watch me.

-Just...watch...you.

-Yes.

-Have you done much work with children?

-Not yet, but, er...

-I have been reading this.

-Oh, Get With The Kids.

I can't wait to try it and get serious.

Oh, well, no time like the present.

Jackie, Crash...

Come.

Meet Kez.

-She's our trainee social worker.

-Yo, kids! What's up?

Um, you seem bling.

Word.

Oh, wait, I'm supposed to do a special handshake.

I can't believe I forgot! That's just basic.

Um...so...

Is it fist and fingers? Or...?

OK?

Bye.

Time to have some fun.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

OK...now!

-Hey! Look where you're going.

-Yeah.

Good. Be creative with your anger.

It's because you have abandonment issues.

It's all right. Panic over. I'm back.

Hello. I'm Kez. Word.

Who are you?

I'm sorry? You don't know who I am?

You don't need to know who she is. She's a has-been.

In my day, we had standards. Now, they let in any old rubbish.

I thought dinosaurs were extinct.

Put your hand up, who's been fostered. ..Oh, just me then.

Oh, have you? That's fascinating. Maybe we can talk later.

I might have a free window, but now I've been fostered, I'm very busy.

I can't stand Tracy Beaker. Come on.

Mm, conflict issues.

I haven't done that yet.

Can I just talk to you for one second about...?

OK, but not now, Kaz, Kez or whatever your name is.

Adult alert!

Crash, Jackie, how wonderful to see you. Let's catch up.

I'm having a great time. I'm really busy.

Busy, busy, busy. My days are just packed.

Yo, kids!

What's up? Blingin' blingin'.

Um, just keeping it real.

Tracy, could we have that chat about being an expert in fostering?

Expert in fostering?

Yes, you can learn a lot from the Beaker fostering success story.

I never want to be fostered. Thanks, but no thanks.

It's cool! Moving on, moving out. Now I'm living in the real world...

-Yeah, later, Tracy.

-We don't want to keep you from your busy schedule.

Ahem!

-Tracy, um...

-Bye, Tracy.

-So, can we have that chat now?

Word!

ALL: Word.

Blood, I need blood!

Not now, Marco. Maybe later.

-Don't even think about it.

-So, we all know our target?

An inexperienced, untrained social worker.

Fresh blood!

In Kez's book, it says she has to do whatever we want.

So, let's use it against her. ..Rio.

-You're up first.

-Why am I the pig?

Er, well, all right, you can be the toad.

Ha-ha!

SHE MUTTERS UNDER HER BREATH

Do you mind if we stop for a bit, Tracy? I can't feel my fingers.

Oh, there you are, Kez. I've been looking for you.

So? How have you been getting on?

Tracy's theories on fostering have been fascinating!

-You've been helping Kez?

-Mm-hm.

That's great, Tracy!

As you're doing so well, how about taking the children this afternoon?

Tracy, you can help. Your fostering experiences will be interesting.

Yes, you're right.

I am interesting.

Kez, I think you dropped this.

Oh, my book on establishing trust.

It's important to show children in care you can fulfil their needs.

Interesting. I need £5.

What for?

Chapter six.

I haven't seen Dad in ages. I don't know if I can trust an adult again.

Oh, dear. Fulfil your needs. Fulfil your needs!

Where did I put my purse?

Thank you.

Hello, I'm Hayley.

-Hayley?

-Yeah, my mum wanted a girl.

Anyway, Lol here needs special food combinations made for her.

Without sugar every hour, she dies.

I'd die.

Right, then, sugar. Sugar.

In there. Yeah, just in that one over there.

Oh, thanks. We need lots of chocolate. She needs loads.

Thank you, you're saving her life.

Ah!

Oh!

I'll take those.

When you're as experienced as me, you'll know if you're being suckered.

I'm onto you!

We got rumbled. So now what are we going to do?

Revert to plan B.

Yeah.

-What's plan B?

-The Beaker method.

Shout as loud as you can for as long as you can. Chocolates!

I want chocolate!

ALL: We want chocolate!

We want chocolate! We want chocolate!

We want chocolate!

We want chocolate! We want chocolate!

Being successful's all about getting on well with people, like I do.

I've got years of experience.

I help the kids with their homework,

my marmalade and peanut butter sandwiches are the stuff of legend

and I can cut through tension. The kids love me.

Right, let's see if we can put what you've learnt into practice.

Come on.

We want chocolate!

-We want chocolate!

-Ssh!

-Calm down now.

-We want chocolate!

Um, chill!

Hang loose!

Um...

SHUT UP! Everyone in the lounge. I've got a plan.

Quickly. Right, everyone take a seat.

-Now, come on!

-What is going on?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Don't ask questions, sit down.

What are they doing here?

-Tracy Beaker Guide To Fostering - please!

-I'll have that, thank you.

I don't want to waste it on people no-one will ever want to foster.

The Tracy Beaker Guide To Fostering is all about working with what you've got.

Hayley, you're small and cute. Work with that.

Maybe later. Mark and Helen are coming to pick me up soon.

-But thanks anyway.

-Rio's a boy but that's not always a disadvantage.

Take a questionnaire and pass them along.

Being successful is about getting on well with people.

Like I do. I've got 13 years of experience.

Use me.

-Oh!

-What?

With my expert help, you could all be just like me.

Fostered in no time.

Crash, Jackie, as you know, I'm a success story.

But you can be too.

Got any problems? Let's talk.

Let's talk. What's the matter with you?

We thought you'd a plan to get Kez and Elaine, but you're like them.

Me?! Tracy Beaker, like Elaine?

I couldn't be more proud of you if I tried.

Thanks, Tracy, for such an insightful talk.

Let's end the session with a hug.

-Tracy.

-Whoa! You can look at the Beaker, but not touch.

But Elaine told me

it's an effective way of bonding after sharing personal details.

If there's one thing Elaine taught me, it's to avoid her at all costs.

I mean, she's badly dressed, clueless and boring.

And if there's anything worse than Elaine, it's two Elaines.

But I was just trying to be as good as Elaine. Wasn't I, Hayley?

Um, I'm not Hayley. I'm Bouncer.

I'm sorry, Kez, I'm sure you're really nice,

-but one Elaine is enough for anyone.

-Yeah.

-You're so right.

There's only one Elaine and I can't expect to be as good as her.

But she's given me something to aspire to.

I'll go back to the library and study really hard

and maybe one day, I'll...

Maybe one day, I might be half as good as Elaine.

Er, respect! Everyone in the house, say...what is it?

Everyone in the house...

Everyone in the house, say...

See ya!

Remember, viewers, watching TV gives you square eyes... NOT!

OK, I've got it all planned. We'll go to Florida next summer,

Australia next year, and I fancy an African safari the year after that.

-Sounds lovely.

-The world is our lobster.

Don't you mean oyster?

Well, oyster, lobster...

Jellyfish...

Whatever. The point is, it's you and me now. We're together.

I thought, Christmas - it's nice to stay at home,

but we'll go really OTT. 20-foot tree, masses of food,

-tons of pressies...

-Suits me. I'll have, um...

snazzy new car, and a brand new, up-to-the-minute computer.

but I want one that makes me a cup of tea every hour.

-I'm not joking.

-You're not?!

Why would I be? Now we're a family, I want everything to be perfect.

You're right. So do I.

But I can't afford to give you 13 years' worth of presents

-all at once.

-It's not about money. I'm not bothered about the money.

OK. We'll just pay for the African safari with shirt buttons,

and the man down the garage will give me a car if I ask politely(!) DOORBELL

Coo-ee!

Hello!

-Only me! Is everything all right?

-Fine.

Lovely. And... I've got some good news too.

Tracy's fostering allowance has been increased.

Tracy!

You're not poor! You're loaded!

And what's more, that's MY allowance.

Technically, that's money for Cam to use for your keep.

Which isn't easy. Tracy Beakers don't come cheap.

Bet I could do a better job than you.

-And I'd never steal money from my foster daughter.

-I'm not stealing it.

She's not suggesting you are. Perhaps Tracy could learn a valuable lesson

from helping with the budgeting. Let her do something. Food shop.

No, I don't think so.

I do, Cam. You're forgetting I'm an expert with children.

Yeah.

-I've made a list...

-Right.

-You will stick to it, won't you?

-Course.

Like a fly on a bun. Bye!

The green budgie has landed on the pink macaroon.

Well?

Well what?

-I hear you've been doing people's homework.

-Yeah.

-How much?

50p a sheet.

What you need is a manager.

Split the profits fifty-fifty?

Hmm...no, thanks.

She doesn't need a manager. She's got me, and I only charge 10%.

Sad, very sad.

Let's see a sample, then.

It's worth it.

She even makes little mistakes so Sid doesn't get suspicious.

OK, get this sorted, cos I don't do homework.

I've got too much pain and misery to spread.

What about your list?5

-Who needs lists?

-Duh. People who shop, so they don't forget things.

Wow! Turkey nuggets.

Look, food shopping is about hunter-gathering -

the primitive urge to get what you want, and then take it home.

And, let's face it, I am an expert at getting what I want.

You're a good girl, helping your mum out.

It's my foster mum. She makes me do all the chores.

-Oh dear.

-Steals my allowance too,

-and makes me spend it on stuff for her.

-That's dreadful.

You poor thing.

That's £70, please.

Tracy!

This CD is only a tenner.

I'd better give the change to my foster mum. She might get angry.

-She's a not very nice when she's angry.

-Here.

It's supposed to be just one per customer, but you deserve a treat.

Thanks. Crash, shall we go? ..Thank you very much. Bye.

And these were buy two, get two free.

And what on earth is this?

A shower radio.

-Music while you watch makes you a sweet-smelling person.

-Phone cover?

-You haven't even got a mobile.

-Hint, hint.

-Tracy!

-They were on special offer.

I gave you a list with strict instructions.

Oh, yeah.

Never mind.

Never mind?! Never mind?!

This is all you've wasted a week's grocery money on?!

Knick-knacks, fizzy drinks and turkey nuggets.

I guess I'll be off then.

What do you mean, is this all?!

Don't you know how expensive things are? What do you expect?

What are you doing?

Laying an egg(!) What does it look like?

I thought cleaning the bathroom was Layla's chore.

It is. Duke made me do it. Layla's got too much homework.

Come on, I've had enough of this.

(Right, you know what to say?)

Hey, Layla...Duke's on the...phone

to your teacher.

-(Something about...)

-Something about...

-Your...

-(Homework.)

-Homework.

-Oh, no!

Echo Foxtrot, we are now proceeding to Delta Quadrant. Over and out.

Cam! What's for lunch?

Delicious! Nuggets du turkey,

avec une garnish du limon. And to drink...

a cheeky little vintage, I think you'll find. Bon appetit!

Lovely.

Where is it?!

Maybe the pink macaroon has eaten the green budgie.

Marco, you were supposed to be on security.

< Layla! My office, please. Now!

Thought you might like a snack to keep you going before tea.

How do you fancy a nice slice of chocolate cake,

-boozing with hot fudge sauce?

-Bring it on!

Sorry. I've run out of chocolate cake.

I'll be speaking to Marco too. But in the meantime,

-I want you to return all the money you've taken.

-But I'll be broke!

That's too bad. Roxy has done your jobs today,

-so you can clean her room as punishment.

-But...

And you're never to do anything like this again. Understand?

Teatime, Tracy.

Plenty more if you want seconds.

Right, I've had it!

-You're determined to poison me!

-I'm not poisoning you.

-You buy them, I cook them. Clean that up!

-No!

I'm going out for decent food.

Tracy!

-How nice to see you!

-It's great to be here.

-Come and have some tea.

-Oh, yes!

Ow! Pack it in, you little fleabite!

-Watch it - he's my brother.

-So sorry, big fleabite.

What's she doing here anyway? She doesn't live here.

Tracy can visit any time she likes.

-I wouldn't if

-I

-was fostered.

-Her foster mum doesn't want her.

I heard she keeps bringing you back.

# Ta-da! #

At-choo!

Sorry, Tracy.

It's OK. Forgot what it was like in this place.

-Cam didn't kick you out, did she?

-No, everything's cool.

-The world is our jellyfish.

-What?!

-Never mind, just a joke.

-See you.

I suppose you're coming to drag me back home.

-Hi, Cam!

-Hi!

Do you want me to wrap your turkey nuggets up?

I've got plenty more if you'd like some, Cam!

-Thanks, Duke, but we're going out for tea.

-Going out?

-You can't afford it.

-Oh, blow it. We should celebrate you moving in.

Great. Here is the plan. First we go bowling, then have a burger,

then we'll take in a movie with ice-cream,

a big bag of sweets... and I will pay for the popcorn.

Aw!

Where did you get that from?

-Well, I was going to give it back.

-I know, I know.

# I can make my world come true

# All my dreams will see me through

# And the flak won't get me down

# My dreams will turn things all around

# With a smile upon my face

# I can see a better place

-# Doesn't matter what may come my way

-No, no, no

# Believe me now, I will win some day. #