Democracy and the Snake The Story of Tracy Beaker

# I can make my world come true All my dreams will see me through

-# It doesn't matter What may come my way...

-No! No!

# Believe me now I will win some day. #

How can all your clothes be dirty?!

You must take more responsibility for yourself when you move out!

-You can't wander wearing no trousers all your life.

-Responsibility?

Yippee! Next stop, a dull job, followed by a dull wedding, the dull kids...

-You'll be old and dull before you know it, like these two.

-I won't!

When I move into the halfway house, I'll live by my own rules.

At Cam's place, we have to vote on rules, rotas, everything.

-Democracy, she calls it.

-Having a say in your life is a positive.

It reaches into our inner selves.

You'll be giving this lot the vote next!

-THEY LAUGH.

-Why not?

-Yeah!

Why not? Elaine, you are a genius.

Oh... Well, I wouldn't say that exactly.

Such vision. I can just see the bestseller now -

Elaine - Democracy And The Inner Self.

Bestseller?!

APPLAUSE

PEOPLE CHEER

Better get started now, before someone steals the idea.

I better had!

CHILDREN SHOUT Oh... Now what?

I only asked for some trousers!

So...

Voting gives you

all kinds of grown-up responsibilities.

What do you think?

Brilliant, Elaine.

-Can we vote on anything?

-Absolutely!

Anything you want! Just... Just propose it.

OK... I propose there are no rules.

Vote!

Er... No, no! I don't think that, um...

-That's then, then - passed unanimously.

-CHILDREN CHEER

Well...

No, no, hang on! Wait...

That woman! That girl!

This place!

Why are you wearing a suit?

An interview? Why on earth would you want another job?!

More money...less work.

As if I haven't got enough problems!

No!

Oh... One other thing. Could you give me a written reference?

Hey, Duke, where are you off to? Getting married?

Married?! Who on earth would want to marry him?

CHURCH BELL RINGS

KNOCK ON DOOR

- Agh! - I'd marry you, Duke.

Hey... What are you two up to?

Hello, I would like a temp cook for a week, please.

What about a day? Half a day?

An hour? ..Hello?! Hello?

So... How's the brilliant idea coming along?

M-Marvellous!

Ev-Everything's, um...

-You know...

-Great! Well, you can make the lunches, then.

Oh, I'd like to, but the thing is, I have to observe.

Take notes.

-Can't Duke do it?

-No, he's been headhunted.

Oh...

So Mr Smart really does listen to my suggestions after all.

You recommended him for another job?

Brilliant, isn't it?!

So...

If there's no rules, when do we eat?

When we say so!

Well, we could if there was anything to eat!

Someone's nicked the lot!

-Who'd do that?

-Boys, of course.

-Typical - they're all the same.

Yeah, greedy and selfish.

Hey! That's sexist!

You girls have got a serious attitude problem.

I'll give him attitude.

-They think they run this place!

-Girls. Typical.

I suppose we could share with them. No!

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah, right!

Good on you! Let's get cooking!

Oh, looks like we're just in time. Make mine two eggs sunny side up.

Yeah, in your dreams.

-But we're hungry.

-OK, here you go.

-Enjoy.

-Hang on.

-There has to be a solution.

-Yeah.

-We'll fight you for it.

-OK.

-Game on.

-OK, leave them alone. Come on.

-We could wipe this bunch any time

-Oh, I said let's go!

Yeah, go on! Run off!

Yeah, you bunch of girls!

-THEY LAUGH

-Bunch of girls?

With Tracey Beaker?

It seems quiet after the care home.

This is where the real care work is done.

You can make a real positive difference here.

It make take some time getting used to working in an office again.

You mean...

One like this?

This would be your office.

Pot plant and all.

As far as I'm concerned, the job's yours.

All I need is a written reference.

You do have one, don't you?

Dear me.

I've never read a reference like that before.

Oh, well...

-Nice to have met you.

-Sounds like he thinks the world of you.

-You must make quite a team.

-I...

-I guess so.

-When can you start?

Have you got your National Insurance forms?

Er...

-Oh, sorry, no. I'll post them on.

-No, no. I want to fast track this.

I'll pick them up in the morning. So...

Welcome aboard, eh?

-I mean, what are they gonna do?

-Yeah, exactly.

We'll stuff ourselves, then veg out with telly and computers.

-Oh, no! She wouldn't!

-They haven't.

-Looking for one of these, boys?

-Give us that!

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I think you need to discuss this!

-Hello! Anyone?

-Pass the milk, boys.

-Give 'em back!

-We'll fight you for 'em.

-Forget about the vegging out.

-You can't do this!

-You can only get one channel without the remote!

-Wildlife!

-And don't even bother trying to use the toilets.

Mmm...

CHILDREN SHOUT >

-Discipline holding up, then?

-Er...

Pretty much and it'll be terrific research for my bestseller.

Don't worry. I've got everything under control.

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Good luck.

This is better - talking. You have to admit, it got a bit silly.

It's not very grown-up, is it?

No. Grown-ups would've had strikes.

-Riots!

-Wars.

-Right, well, anyway...

It's time to negotiate.

-How about a compromise?

-Good idea.

-Yeah.

You can have half the food... if you cook all the meals.

-ALL: Yeah!

-How about you bog off?

This is war, Beaker!

That suits us!

EVERYONE SHOUTS

-False alarm!

-Don't worry. It's only her.

It's way past your bedtime!

-What bedtime?

-Yeah! No rules, no bedtime.

EVERYONE CHEERS, SHE SIGHS

LOUD SNORING

CRASH!

Quiet, I'm trying to get to sleep.

-I'm tired.

-I'm tired...and hungry.

So what do you suggest? We just give in?

No way! We should attack!

When the time is right.

-How's things?

-Fine.

I suppose you think, when you go away, everything just falls to pieces.

Oh, no. I just thought...

Yeah, the fridge is empty.

Everyone's starving and the kids've turned into packs of wild animals.

But apart from that, everything's perfectly normal.

-No, Crash! No!

-But I'm so hungry!

You're hungry?! I'm so empty!

I could eat a horse!

I'll, er, take these and get off.

-Meet the kids first!

-I'd love to, but, um...

Busy, busy.

You must be able to find some common ground.

A like you share.

A dislike, then.

Surely something in here makes you go mad!

-Now you come to mention it...

-Yeah, there is.

-Great.

So why don't you resolve your differences and...and unite?

Sounds good to me.

-OK, I'm up for that.

-Great!

So come on, then.

Let it all hang out.

OK. If you so.

ALL: Charge!

-Off already?

-Just typing up my notes.

It's all going...brilliant-ish.

Quick! Save yourself! Get out of here!

THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT

Duke! Let's get out of this dump!

They're animals!

Actually, they're not animals.

They're kids who need care.

That's why it's called a care home.

But, er, you've forgotten that

with your comfy office and your pot plants.

Goodbye. Who needs an office when you've got all this?

SCREAMS CONTINUE, DUKE JOINS IN

Right, you lot!

I've just got one word to say to you!

Pizza! THEY CHEER

Do remember, viewers, watching TV gives you square eyes.

Not!

You've done Goldilocks, you've seen Cinderella,

but there's no-one quite like Beaker.

Hurry up, Chand. It's feeding time.

Um... He's not here.

-What?!

-He's not in his box.

Course he is! You're just not looking properly.

He's not there!

He's not in his box!

What's the matter? What is it?

He's...gone!

Oh...no!

What kind of monster gets up your nose?

-A bogey man!

-THEY LAUGH

Sid, Sid...

"What's the difference between an elephant and a biscuit?"

Have you ever tried dipping an elephant into a cup of tea?

Oh-oh! Red alert! Red alert!

We have a sense of humour failure. We have a sense of humour failure.

THEY IMITATE SIRENS

This'll make you laugh. Bounce, do you Dot Cotton impression.

HIGH VOICE: You're such a pretty girl, Sonia.

OK, OK... Dot Cotton being attacked by piranha fish.

Sonia! Sonia!

Oh, come on, Sid!

This is really hilarious, OK?

Bounce...

Do your exploding alien.

HE GIBBERS

Yeah... Later, boys.

-There's something wrong with him.

-Yeah.

Doesn't he realise we're the funniest people here?

-Comedy dream team - that's us.

-If we can't make him laugh, no-one can.

He was like my best mate!

I could tell him anything!

Call yourself a well 'ard.

Well 'ards don't cry over nothing.

-But...

-Nothing! Got it?

We are your family. We're the only mates you need.

Now, let's split up and search.

Hi. My name's Bounce, and when I grow up I wanna be...a pop star.

# I just can't get you out of my head

# Boy, your loving is all I think about... #

-Look, have you two been drinking that fizzy drink again with all the additives?

-No!

-We're just trying to make you laugh!

-You know, like this...

-THEY GIGGLE

-I laugh as much as anyone.

-What?! You never find anything funny!

-That's not true!

-I have a finely-honed appreciation of comic irony.

-Yeah? OK.

So when was the last time you had a good proper giggle, then?

THEY HARMONISE: "Can't Get You Out Of My Head"

Has anyone seen Marco?

BOTH: Sorry.

We were supposed to be making an animal hospital.

Oh, dear!

Tell me the truth - am I a humourless grump?

No... Come on. This is serious.

Tell me.

You've had a very heavy workload recently.

-What's that, a code for "You've got no sense of humour"?

-Well, er... No, it's...

Everyone has... Yeah.

That's ridiculous!

I like a laugh as much as the next man.

-Aw...

-Got ya!

-It's only plastic, Duke.

That is childish and silly!

And it's totally unfunny, isn't it, Duke?

-What's wrong with you?

-HE LAUGHS

Are you looking for Marco too?

-Rio's snake's got out.

-Cool! Snake?

-His name's Rex.

-HE SOBS

Go on, Rio. Go look in the hall.

Go on, I heard a noise.

-What kind of snake is it?

-Dunno. A slithery one, lives near water.

Get a grip or I'm not helping, got it?

I just couldn't bear it if anything happened to him!

Perfect. This can't fail.

Thank you, dearie. Oh, I'm sure my bum looks big in this.

Oh, massive, dear. Massive! Size of a large asteroid.

Enough of your cheek, Edna!

Ring the bell before your tights fall down. Off you go, little girl.

We have an urgent appointment with the manager of this magnificent establishment.

-He doesn't laugh much.

-If ever.

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, I'm off again. Hit me with your handbag.

-DEEPER VOICE:

-Ah! Not that hard!

-Sorry.

Good afternoon, sir.

-We're here to foster a couple of children.

-Two, nice, bright kiddies.

-No smelly ones. We don't want any riff-raff.

-THEY LAUGH

You're rehearsing a play.

-DUKE LAUGHS

-Oh, I see what you're doing.

-What are you doing?

-Sid...

You really do have a problem.

Have you seen Marco?

Sorry.

Crash, you know about snakes, don't you?

Snakes?

Er...yeah. I know about snakes.

Every type, every mutation, every variety.

I wouldn't want to be face to face with one though,

and not know whether it's a suffocater or a venom spitter.

Are you scared of them?

No way!

Snakes are...cool.

OK. Which snakes live near water?

Boa constrictors.

They eat anything from a mouse to a live antelope.

That's what Rio's got, then.

-You're joking?

-No.

We have to find it before it gets really hungry.

I'll get Jackie to help.

IT SNORES

IT WHIMPERS

Sid, there's a massive boa constrictor on the loose!

-You've gotta do something right now!

-Yeah, nice try, Crash.

You nearly had me laughing.

Maybe if you'd said there's a six-foot celery-snorting yeti

on the rampage, I might've giggled. But a snake?

-A bit predictable really. Sorry.

-I'm not joking, Sid!

-There's a very large, very hungry boa constrictor somewhere in this very care home!

-Ooh...

Health and safety won't allow it, so what are you gonna do about it?

Forget it, Crash. It does get more funny the more you labour it.

-Oh...

-Hang on, hang on.

On a scale of one to ten,

how funny would you say this is?

-"What did one earwig say to the other earwig as they fell out a tree?"

-I don't know, what?

"Earwig oh! Earwig oh! Earwig oh!"

-HE LAUGHS

-It's not funny!

-Can you see anything?

-No.

-Agh!

-What?

Something's there.

Oh...

It's only a vacuum cleaner.

Course. I knew that.

(Jackie...)

-Wow!

-Marco! Jackie! Layla! One pie blancmange! Come and get it!

WHOOPEE CUSHION BURSTS, CHILDREN GIGGLE

The blancmange is off!

-THEY LAUGH

-Ha-ha(!)

-Well, at least it's better than Crash's snake joke.

-No, Sid.

-There really is a snake. Really, Really.

-Oo-oh!

And I'm Posh Beckham's grandmother.

It's Rio's. He's been keeping it a secret under Chantal's bed.

And now he's gone.

-We can't find Marco anywhere, but we find Rio's snake.

-Oh, yes!

-I'm afraid it's bad news.

-Oh, no!

I'm sorry, Rio. He's dead.

By the look of things, he's been that way a long time.

We put him in Crash's snooker cue box.

-His need is greater.

-SID SNIGGERS

Sid...

I'm sorry. It's just the long box.

-It's Rio pet in there.

-It's not funny!

-Yeah, I'm sorry.

-Maybe we could bury him in the garden.

-SID SNIGGERS AGAIN

-Out, now!

Of course we could bury him in the garden, if that's what you want, Rio.

-I'd like to see him, for one last time.

-I wouldn't, Rio.

There's not much left of him.

-Agh!

-Don't worry, Rio. Let it all out.

-I don't mind.

-He's alive!

It's his skin! You thickos!

He just shed his skin!

Rex lives!

That's...great!

-Where is he, then?

-And where's Marco?

-No-one's seen him all morning!

-Layla!

BURP!

IT SNORES

ATCHOO!

Where have you...been?

In the attic, making the animal hospital.

-Annabel can be our first patient.

-He's mine!

-His name's Rex, and he's not sick!

-But I found him.

He's a wild snake. Is that right, Crash?

Er...yeah. Sure.

Just a harmless, little...wild snake.

It's harmless.

It's totally harmless. I just...

I just gotta...

Chicken!

He's a wild creature, Rio.

He'll get sick if you keep him in a box.

-I'm not giving him up. You can't make me.

-Come back in.

-It'll be tea time soon.

-Rex won't eat anything.

Maybe he isn't happy.

I think you should let him go, Rio.

Come on, buddy. He's gotta hang out with his snake mates.

Goodbye, Rex.

I'll never forget you, my scaly little friend.

Bye.

-Are you all right, Rio?

-I'm sure Rex will be OK.

You can have my cake tonight, if you like.

Course, I'm all right. What sort of wimp do you think I am?

-Where's Marco?

-Marco, supper's ready!

I was just checking on where my stick insects had gone.

I set them free, cos you said it was cruel to keep animals in a box.

I think I'll skip supper tonight.

Yeah, me too.

Oh... I'll have yours, then.

THEY SCREAM

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

# I can make my world come true All my dreams will see my through

-# And the fight won't get me down

-No! No!

# My dreams will turn things All around

# With a smile upon my face I can see a better place

-# It doesn't matter What may come my way...

-No! No!

# Believe me now I will win some day. #