The Best Teacher The Worst Witch

BELL PEALS Come on.

Come on, we'll be late!

Hurry!

I want to talk to my mum.

Look at the queue.

THEY SIGH

You won't be long, will you, Ethel?

I mean, we were really busy revising

for Miss Bat's witchery test tomorrow.

We kind of lost track of time.

And unless this queue gets moving,

we're not going to have time to ring home.

This will be a call of considerable length, actually.

Mother's going to want to hear everything I've achieved today

and, whilst it might not take you too long to detail

your achievements, it can take a Hallow forever.

I'm so sorry about that.

Apologies, darling. Can't chat now.

-Magic council.

-But...

-Another time, hey?

-You've just been talking to Esmeralda for hours.

Must fly.

Is Drusilla OK to go in now or...?

Drusilla is. But I'm not sure you are, Mildred Hubble.

-Why?

-Well, if I was the worst witch around here, I'd still be revising.

We've done plenty.

It won't be enough though, will it?

I imagine it's practically impossible

to get your head around the entirety of witch history

when you're not one.

-Totally.

-Yes, she is.

Even the great wizard said so.

Not from a witching family, though, is she?

It must feel so unfair.

Some of us come top, whether we work for it or not.

Whilst others always come bottom no matter what.

Not this time.

This time I'm going to surprise a few people.

Who am I kidding? I'm not going to surprise anyone.

Of course you will, Millie.

Well, there is one way.

Haven't you ever heard of a wisdom spell?

If you found out how to do one of those,

you'd be the cleverest girl in school.

Enid! Mildred would never do a spell for selfish gain.

It's against the code.

And she's wise enough to know not to break it.

Cleverest girl in the school?

Here's one.

To understand in 40,000 ways,

find the stocking of one who's lived for 40,000 days.

Add a beetle's blood and a frog's tears,

and know you shalt see the world far beyond your years.

Where are we going to find a century-old sock?

GENTLE SNORING

SHE SCREAMS

Who's been nibbling on my toes?

Lights out, Miss Hallow.

Study time is over.

Didn't hurt a bit.

Oh, that did.

Miss Hardbroom! Come quickly.

And there they were. Hobgoblins, nipping at my socks.

I think she's going to be needing some time off.

We'll have to get someone in to replace her, then.

Her witchery class has a rather important test tomorrow afternoon

and children can't teach themselves.

Let me see what I can do.

Give me a mind greater than my own and turn me into

the cleverest of crones.

Has it worked? Do you feel really, really wise?

I'm not sure.

Ask me about any moment in the whole history of witchcraft.

Which king of England banned all witches from his kingdom,

forcing us underground for eternity?

Erm...

-Something else.

-I'll give you a clue.

He had a big belly and a bushy beard.

-Oh, Father Christmas!

-No!

Henry VIII. Oh, Mildred, it definitely hasn't worked.

-What are you going to do?

-There's only one thing I can do.

Revise.

KNOCK ON DOOR

It wasn't just me, then.

I was up half the night revising, as well.

Want to put an extra hour in now?

I think I better had.

What?

What have you done with Mildred?

Are you feeling OK, Maud?

You don't seem yourself at all.

Mildred.

Is that...

-really you?

-Who else would it be?

You look terrible.

Excuse me, no-one looks their best first thing.

Anyone can have a bad hair day.

It's a lot worse than that.

Oh, no.

The wisdom spell.

No, Mildred. You didn't.

'We were supposed to make you wiser, not older.'

Just look at your skin.

It's so stretchy.

I need to go and see Miss Cackle straightaway.

-No, you don't. Think about how much trouble we'll get into.

-Maud!

-Where are you going?

-Well,

if it's possible to magic you into a doddery old body,

it must be possible to magic you out.

Oh, Esmeralda, do you know anything about wisdom spells?

A little bit, yes.

We're doing a project on them,

and this book tells me how to do one, but not how to undo it.

Well, that's because you can't.

These are time spells.

Only time can undo them, not you.

It might be a week, month, even a year.

You just have to wait and see.

KNOCK ON DOOR

You! Girl!

-Come here.

-Sorry, I'm in a bit of a...

When a witch asks you to do something, it is not optional.

It doesn't depend on what you feel like.

You do it.

Thank you.

I am Miss Darkside.

The supply witch.

Apparently, someone called Miss Bat has lost all her marbles.

And one of her socks.

And I am here to replace her.

Do you have any idea where your head teacher might be?

Yes. Yes.

I think I might.

Miss Darkside, this is Miss Cackle.

There seems to be a bit of a mix-up though as Miss Cackle

was just telling us that Miss Bat

is now absolutely fine and there is no need for a supply witch.

-Is this true?

-Mm.

This place is even more chaotic than I'd heard.

I thought you were going to make things better.

I'm not saying that any of this is ideal,

I'm just working with what we've got.

Do you know the punishment for impersonating a teacher?

A whole term of cat confiscation.

Ah. Miss Darkside, I presume.

Yes, that's me.

Sorry about that. Long night.

Miss Darkside's been through a bit of a crisis.

Mildred's mum's been taken ill and Mildred had to go home

-to look after her.

-Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

Er...

Toenail. In-growing.

Is that really serious enough to miss school?

This one is. It's particularly invasive.

Oh.

Well, how long will Mildred be?

A week.

Maybe a month.

Even a year. We'll just have to wait and see.

Well, show Miss Darkside to your classroom, please, will you, Maud?

She's in with you.

Just this way.

Morning, everyone.

I am...

Millicent Darkside.

And I'm...

I'm covering for Miss Bat.

And as Mildred Hubble's had to go home on account

of her mother's terrible toenail,

I need to magic her things on to her.

Or post them, either's good.

Mildred Hubble's gone home because of a toenail that isn't even hers?

-That's right.

-No, it isn't. She made that up to get out of the test.

The only way possible for her not to come bottom

was for her not to sit it in the first place.

Oi!

MAUD CLEARS HER THROAT

Right, I think it's time I started teaching.

With me being the teacher.

So...

..what would Miss Bat do now, I wonder?

Fall asleep.

Our test. She'd help us prepare for our test by telling us

-a story from witching history.

-Yes.

Yes. A story.

Right. Erm...

OK.

KNOCK ON DOOR The door. The door.

Come in, please.

Miss Darkside?

Yes, that's me. That's definitely me.

Miss Hardbroom, deputy head.

Just checking you're settling in OK.

Wonderful to have someone like you on the staff.

Your reputation long precedes you.

Does it?

And what exactly is my reputation these days, then?

As one of the greatest disciplinarians

of the entire Witch Academy network. Famed for upholding tradition

and demanding order,

instilling fear.

Her? "M-m-morning everyone, I'm your teacher, so I'll t-t-teach?"

Are you laughing, girl?

I've known your sort before and I'll break you like I broke them.

Out of my class, both of you.

Both? Miss Darkside, I won't do it again.

Out!

That's what I heard.

Right, first years.

Let's do this together.

When James VI of Scotland became king of England, too,

witches everywhere rejoiced because they thought things

were about to get easier. But...

Nope, still don't like them. Off with their heads.

And the witches weren't best pleased.

A whole head seems rather extreme.

How about a finger instead?

But Old Jambo was not for turning, so, a certain Guy Fawkes,

the great wizard of his day, assembled a meeting of the council.

There are three choices.

One, we have a stern word.

Two, we take his dinner money.

And three...

And that's how the gunpowder plot really came to be.

Fawkesy magicked himself beneath Parliament

and lit a fuse leading to a whacking great barrel.

But, that morning, the king received a peculiar postcard.

"Dear, Jambo, weather here nice.

"Don't think much of the food.

"PS, you're about to go splat!"

So, as the barrel was about to boom...

..Guy said...

Awkward.

I suppose you'll be wanting my head.

But, instead of flinging him on the fire like those non-witches do,

we celebrate him instead.

She's the best teacher ever.

What a splendid command of witchery, Miss Darkside.

Passion for education, as well as discipline.

This is Millicent Darkside.

Hi, gang.

Hey. I know what you've heard and, believe me, it's all true.

But don't be scared, I save that stuff for the kids.

I'll be a pussycat with you.

How's Miss Bat?

Not herself, at all, I'm afraid.

Her conversation is still almost entirely sock-centred.

I suppose it was bound to happen eventually.

Strictly speaking, she should have left many moons ago.

Perhaps now's the time.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

If she goes, I'll have to consider my own future, too.

If you're OK here, Miss Darkside,

I'm going to go and give Mildred Hubble's mother a call.

Where are we going?

Miss Cackle's office, obviously.

Miss Darkside needs to know.

What are you doing?

Ssh...

Proving that Mildred really is skipping the test.

All it needs is for Miss Cackle to ring her mum.

Wait...!

Mildred's mum asked specifically not to be disturbed.

Not until she feels a little better.

Someone could just PRETEND to be her.

Who's going to be THAT stupid?

Then I'll speak to Mildred instead.

You've got to be kidding me, no...

Miss Cackle...

I just saw Miss Bat heading across the Great Hall,

carrying every single sock she owned. Is everything OK?

Ah, Miss Darkside. There you are.

A little marking for you to be getting on with.

And Miss Bat's test for this afternoon, answers included.

Though I'm quite sure

you, of all people,

don't need them.

Ready? It's ringing.

-'Hello?'

-POSH VOICE: Oh, Mistress Hubble! Ha-ha.

-'Speaking.'

-Hello. It's Ada Cackle here, from Cackle's Academy.

-'Yes...'

-Just... Sorry to trouble you.

Just ringing to enquire about your toenail troubles.

'My toenails? What...?'

Mildred Hubble's not at home with her mum.

Really, Ethel, the staff have told me

all about your tendency for tall tales, but...

It isn't a tall tale.

Her mum told us herself.

-What?

-Miss Darkside - I'm not one of the bad ones.

I work harder than anyone else.

No, you don't, it just comes naturally to you.

I wish it did.

Maybe then my mum would be even

half as interested in me as my sister.

Are you serious?

Yes. So you have to believe me.

Mildred Hubble had no reason to go home.

Because her mum's toes are absolutely fine.

And how do you know?

I think it really IS time I gave the Hubble household a call.

I'm going to be absolutely honest, this is not going to plan.

No, but it still can.

We've got the answers.

Doing well at something

doesn't mean anything if you haven't put the effort in.

Even the teachers work really hard.

It turns out

I know quite a lot of witchery anyway.

I could even teach it.

It's time I told the truth.

Mildred! Wait, you're...

I'm sorry...to bother you both,

but there's something I...

have to tell you.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I...

am Mildred Hubble.

Yes, we can see that, dear.

Oh, yeah! So can I.

(It's so wonderful to be me.)

Well, that's good to hear.

But where have you been?

And what ARE you wearing?

-DOOR SLAMS

-Whoops.

-She's really in for it now.

It has come to our attention that

there might not be anything wrong with your mother. Is that right?

If they speak to her mum, the game's still up.

Not if I can help it.

There's a spell. It's only supposed to work on witches.

Come on!

Well... I wouldn't say... I mean...

How I'd put it...

she...

SNORING

HE GRUNTS

THEY BOTH SHRIEK

Morning!

What...?

ENGAGED TONE

Oh, why use technology... when you can use magic?

It's A, Candle In The Wind,

and it's Julie Hubble.

-It's H...

-SHE GASPS

You have got to stop doing that.

Everything all right, Mildred, love?

Er, yes, Mum, it's fine.

Oh, this isn't about the state of my toenails again, is it?

Only I very much doubt there's been any change

in the hour since you LAST called.

I'm not sure what's been going on here, but it's clear SOMETHING has.

Dinker do, dinker din

Just for one afternoon only

Let Miss Hubble's toenail grow in, and in, and in!

BOOM!

Now, look...

Agh! Ohhhh!

I think that's all the answer we need.

I must return to the classroom.

Miss Bat, you need your rest.

Staying in bed just makes things worse.

They're tinkering with my toenails now!

I'm safer at work.

Well, I'm sorry. That isn't going to be possible.

We've found a rather capable replacement.

Oh, but that's what I've come to tell you.

J-Just as I got back,

the supply witch said something about this not being

the place for her...? And she just flew off through the window.

Miss Darkside has gone?

Miss Bat, it's so wonderful to have you back!

Miss Darkside wasn't a patch on you.

Ohhh...

Well done, Maud. Top of the class!

What?

What about me?

Er... Fourth.

Fourth?

Er...was I bottom?

Not quite. That was Drusilla.

You were second from bottom.

This is the greatest moment in my entire life!

I'm only SECOND worst witch.

I'm not sure it's anything to get TOO carried away with, Mildred -

but I'm impressed that you picked up

all that witch history, so...

Sorry to interrupt, Miss Bat, but we have reason to believe

that someone in this class

has impersonated...a teacher.

Did you ring Julie Hubble?

No.

I...I did.

My apologies.

Miss Paddock, fetch your feline.

I shall be speaking to your mother.

BELL RINGS

Listen...

I'm terribly sorry, but do you mind if Ethel goes first?

Mother didn't have a chance to talk to her last night,

and she's desperate to make up for it.

Of course. After you.

Come on. She wants to hear about everything you've achieved today.

Sorry. Can't chat now.

Another time, hey?

Oh, how did you get on with your project? About the wisdom spell?

Erm... Fine, thank you.

You do know some of them don't make you wise beyond your years,

just OLD beyond them, don't you?

-Yeah...

-So...I'd steer clear, if I were you.

Thanks.

You...were Miss Darkside.

Yes, Ethel -

I was.

And it was your idea to impersonate a teacher and call my mum,

wasn't it?

Oh, Maud, I'm so pleased you knew that toenail spell.

You're sure she'll be all right by now?

Positive.

I can't believe that it actually did the trick.

My spell book said it only worked on witches -

but...I guess it must be wrong.

Unless...

What if my mum...

really IS a witch, after all?

Hello, Millie, love.