Poo Dunnit? The Zoo


Poo Dunnit?

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Shut up.

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It's Monday morning at the zoo,

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and all the animals are preparing for yet another day

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in the limelight.

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Ooh! Play it cool, play it cool.

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Yeah, maybe work on that one.

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There are more than 2,000 different animals at the zoo.

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-SNORE Cheryl, we've started.

-Ooh, ooh. Four gazelles, please. What?

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And each one is different, in its very own, different way.

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Oi-oi-oi-oi!

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But different as they are, there's one thing that unites them all.

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And that is...

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Ah! It's love, isn't it?

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Ah. Er, no, it's not, actually.

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SPLAT It's, erm, poo.

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Poo is the most important daily part of daily life at the zoo,

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and no-one understands that more than Jim,

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who's been a keeper here for 26 years.

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Poo is absolutely everywhere at the zoo.

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Most of the job, of being a zookeeper, is sweeping up

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and picking up poo.

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So in many ways, Jim, you're more of a pookeeper, than a zookeeper.

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Anyway, whose poo is this?

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Well, this enclosure I'm cleaning out here is Duchess, our elephant's.

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She produces more poo than any other animal in the zoo.

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What utter nonsense, I never go to the, erm...

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What do you, what do you...?

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-The toilet?

-Oh, um, yes.

-Anyway, where was I?

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More than two tonnes of poo are produced every single day.

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And with so much poo at the zoo,

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keeping on top of it is a constant battle.

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Over on Gorilla Island, silverback and self-appointed

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King Of The Zoo, Jurgen, has decided something doesn't smell right.

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-OK, you ready?

-Yep, fire away.

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So, yeah, I've been thinking, we do loads of poo, right, but then

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the keepers scoop up the poop and put it in that big, noisy trailer.

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But why?

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What do they want with all our poo? Jeffrey!

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-Are you even listening to me?

-What are you going on about this time?

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-What do they do with all our poo?

-They just put it on the flowers.

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-Oh, don't be so stupid.

-It's called compost. It fertilizes the soil.

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-Great for rhubarb.

-Jeffrey?

-Yes, boss?

-Shut up.

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The man in charge of poo at the zoo, is called Jay.

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Isn't that right, Jay?

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Jay? Jay!

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-Good morning.

-Is it? What are you doing with all this poo?

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There's loads of poo in the zoo,

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and the majority of it ends up here in the dung heap.

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So it's important stuff?

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The zoo poo is a very valuable commodity, yes.

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-W-aluable? Did he say w-aluable?

-No, no.

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-He said VALUABLE. As in its like, worth something.

-What? Like, money?

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-No, not necessarily.

-Like, thousands?

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-No, no, that's not what he said.

-Millions?!

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-No, no, no, no!

-MILLIONS!

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THAT'S why they want our poo!

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Oh, no, I got a feeling this is all going to end badly.

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That's it. No more poo. I am calling a poo strike.

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-OK, everyone. Listen to me, your leader.

-No, you're not!

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-Shut up.

-From now on, this is a no-poo zoo.

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-NO POO ZOO. NO POO ZOO.

-Word spreads quickly in the zoo.

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-NO POO ZOO.

-And instead of ignoring Jurgen as normal,

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the animals appear to be actually joining his strike. But why?

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-Perhaps head baboon, Woody, has some answers.

-Hey! Is this thing on?

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-Yes, in your own time.

-Thanks.

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Look, nobody gives a monkey's

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about that overgrown knuckle-dragger.

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But Jay the poo guy did say it was valuable.

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And, let's face it, if my poop is worth a million bazoolis,

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than I ain't giving it away free to nobody. Capische?

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But all this stoppin' from ploppin' ain't keeping us

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in the best of moods.

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-Hey, pops, I got to poop.

-No, no, no, no!

-But I need to go!

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No, no, no, no.

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GROANS But it's not just the baboons that are suffering the ill...

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PARP ..effects of the poo strike.

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Dave, come down here.

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-I need your help scaring some children.

-Oh, Jurgen, man.

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I'm all like, full of poo. It's like, totally uncomfortable.

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PARP

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-Remind me, why are we doing this?

-I told you, we are being exploited.

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And we want a piece of the poo pie!

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Oh man, I do not want a piece of poo pie, right now.

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Think about it, we give the keepers all this priceless poop...

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And what do they actually do for us?

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Well, uh, they, uh, they feed us, they give us medicine.

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-They build us totally rad climbing frames.

-Oh, shut up!

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We get nothing, I tell you, nothing!

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There will be no pooing, until our demands are met.

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-And what are our demands?

-We...want...a rollercoaster!

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-What?

-A rollercoaster.

-Those are our demands?

-Mm-hmm.

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-What about something sensible?

-Yeah, like bananas on a Friday.

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Oh, just trust me, boys. When have I ever let you down?

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With the strike in full effect,

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the gorillas aren't alone in feeling the strain.

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-PARP, SQUELCH

-Oh, oh, eh, ah, oh!

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-PARP

-How you feelin' bro?

-Sluggish man, real sluggish!

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It's totally ruining my beatboxing!

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Every time I hit the snare,

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I feel I'm going to poo myself! Listen.

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HE MAKES BEATBOXING SOUNDS AND PARPS

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Oh, you see what I mean!

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Back on Gorilla Island, Jurgen begins his hard-fought

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-negotiation with Head Keeper Craig.

-Hello, hello, hello, Craig?

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I know what you're doing with all our poop, Craig.

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Hmm, I'm playing hard ball, Craig.

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There'll be no more poo in the zoo, until the rollercoaster is built.

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That is absolutely my final offer.

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-What'd he say?

-He's not saying anything.

-Hmm.

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Right, go in with a low offer, and then build up from there.

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OK, OK. After extensive consultation,

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we have agreed that we will compromise with

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a bouncy castle.

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-But that's it. That is my final, final offer.

-What's he say?

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Oh, he says nothing again. He's really good at this negotiating.

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OK, OK. Final, final offer, Craig.

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Paddling pool?

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Meanwhile, over at the cafe,

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there's a rumour spreading that the poo strike has hit a problem.

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-Right, so, I was just off to steal some kids ice creams.

-Yeah?

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I was about to swoop down on a double-choco whippy surprise.

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Surprise, choco whippy surprise, yeah, yeah, yeah?

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When I got closer, it turned out, it was a massive poo!

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SCREAMS

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-No! Really?

-Yeah.

-There's supposed to be a poo strike on.

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So, the big question now is... POO-DUNNIT?

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-What? The strike has been broken? Who is the traitor?

-It weren't me.

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-Margaret, is that you?

-It's twice my size!

-Don't look at me!

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Across the zoo, the mystery poo has caused a real stink.

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But no-one knows who's responsible.

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THUNDERCLAP

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-I know exactly who did it!

-Who?

-Well, it's obvious.

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He's more King Pong than King Kong.

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-It's that pumped-up primate, Jurgen.

-What? No!

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-What a double-crossin' little...

-Poo? Jurgen did a poo?

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Oh man, he promised us a rollercoaster.

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-It's lies I tell you, it's all lies!

-It's not lies.

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I even have a witness to prove it. Isn't that right, Martin?

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Yeah, yeah, that's right, I saw him with my, um,

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my, what did I see it with?!

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Your own eyes, you saw HIM, with your own eyes, do a poo!

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-I saw him with his own eyes, do a, um, hmm...!

-The poo, Martin!

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You saw him do the poo!

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Yes, yes, thank you, Martin, now hop it.

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There you go, conclusive evidence. The gorilla is guilty.

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-BOOS

-No! I didn't do it! I didn't do it.

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Oh, I knew we shouldn't never have trusted that idiot gorilla.

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I'm letting one go.

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HE BEATBOXES

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SQUELCH

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Oh, that's much better.

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I really wanted that paddling pool. Might as well use the old one.

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PARP

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So the strike's over, and poo is well and truly back on the menu.

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-Vet Krista is as happy as a...

-Poo...

-What?

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You can tell a lot about an animal, just looking at its poo.

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Right, so can you tell which animal a poo has come from?

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Each animal forms the poo in slightly different ways,

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so you can recognise which animal produces which poo.

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Right, apparently, we can find out poo-dunnit, just by testing it.

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-Could be a nice little earner.

-Excellent idea, Gaz.

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We going to give it to Krista then?

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-No need, my old friend.

-Ooh!

-No need.

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I just need to forensically disambiguate its precise chemical construction.

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-Oh... Eh?

-I'm going to lick it.

-Oh, ha-ha!

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That's brilliant, Gaz, brilliant. Oh, Gaz what are you doing?

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-I thought you were joking, oh mate!

-All right, all right, I'm going in.

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Oh, Gaz.

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-It's a fake, it's a fake! It's a totally pretend poo.

-Oh!

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It's a stitch up! Someone's tried to frame the gorilla!

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-Who would do that?

-Who, indeed?

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-Know anything about this fake poo, Brutus?

-No...

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MARTIN GIBBERS NERVOUSLY

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You put it there!

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Shush, Martin!

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-He said to make everyone think that the gorilla did it.

-Martin!

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You said everyone would hate him,

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and then you'd take over the zoo, and eventually the world!

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Hush you venomous rat-monkey!

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BOOS

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I didn't do it! All right... I did! And I'll do it again!

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EVIL CACKLE

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With the poodunnit solved, peace has returned to the zoo.

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The poo is flowing. And Jurgen is back on the throne.

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-I told you I didn't do it.

-And as it turns out, the poo is valuable.

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-But only for the plants.

-Yeah! I told you that, too!

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-They call it, er, compost.

-Oh, really?

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-So this whole strike was like, totally pointless.

-No, it wasn't!

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-Check this out, guys!

-No way! We got a paddling pool, man!

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Nice work, dude.

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SPLASH

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Oh.

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We HAD a paddling pool.

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-Nice work...dude.

-Shut up.

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