Poo Dunnit? The Zoo

Shut up.

It's Monday morning at the zoo,

and all the animals are preparing for yet another day

in the limelight.

Ooh! Play it cool, play it cool.

Yeah, maybe work on that one.

There are more than 2,000 different animals at the zoo.

-SNORE Cheryl, we've started.

-Ooh, ooh. Four gazelles, please. What?

And each one is different, in its very own, different way.

Oi-oi-oi-oi!

But different as they are, there's one thing that unites them all.

And that is...

Ah! It's love, isn't it?

Ah. Er, no, it's not, actually.

SPLAT It's, erm, poo.

Poo is the most important daily part of daily life at the zoo,

and no-one understands that more than Jim,

who's been a keeper here for 26 years.

Poo is absolutely everywhere at the zoo.

Most of the job, of being a zookeeper, is sweeping up

and picking up poo.

So in many ways, Jim, you're more of a pookeeper, than a zookeeper.

Anyway, whose poo is this?

Well, this enclosure I'm cleaning out here is Duchess, our elephant's.

She produces more poo than any other animal in the zoo.

What utter nonsense, I never go to the, erm...

What do you, what do you...?

-The toilet?

-Oh, um, yes.

-Anyway, where was I?

More than two tonnes of poo are produced every single day.

And with so much poo at the zoo,

keeping on top of it is a constant battle.

Over on Gorilla Island, silverback and self-appointed

King Of The Zoo, Jurgen, has decided something doesn't smell right.

-OK, you ready?

-Yep, fire away.

So, yeah, I've been thinking, we do loads of poo, right, but then

the keepers scoop up the poop and put it in that big, noisy trailer.

But why?

What do they want with all our poo? Jeffrey!

-Are you even listening to me?

-What are you going on about this time?

-What do they do with all our poo?

-They just put it on the flowers.

-Oh, don't be so stupid.

-It's called compost. It fertilizes the soil.

-Great for rhubarb.

-Jeffrey?

-Yes, boss?

-Shut up.

The man in charge of poo at the zoo, is called Jay.

Isn't that right, Jay?

Jay? Jay!

-Good morning.

-Is it? What are you doing with all this poo?

There's loads of poo in the zoo,

and the majority of it ends up here in the dung heap.

So it's important stuff?

The zoo poo is a very valuable commodity, yes.

-W-aluable? Did he say w-aluable?

-No, no.

-He said VALUABLE. As in its like, worth something.

-What? Like, money?

-No, not necessarily.

-Like, thousands?

-No, no, that's not what he said.

-Millions?!

-No, no, no, no!

-MILLIONS!

THAT'S why they want our poo!

Oh, no, I got a feeling this is all going to end badly.

That's it. No more poo. I am calling a poo strike.

-OK, everyone. Listen to me, your leader.

-No, you're not!

-Shut up.

-From now on, this is a no-poo zoo.

-NO POO ZOO. NO POO ZOO.

-Word spreads quickly in the zoo.

-NO POO ZOO.

-And instead of ignoring Jurgen as normal,

the animals appear to be actually joining his strike. But why?

-Perhaps head baboon, Woody, has some answers.

-Hey! Is this thing on?

-Yes, in your own time.

-Thanks.

Look, nobody gives a monkey's

about that overgrown knuckle-dragger.

But Jay the poo guy did say it was valuable.

And, let's face it, if my poop is worth a million bazoolis,

than I ain't giving it away free to nobody. Capische?

But all this stoppin' from ploppin' ain't keeping us

in the best of moods.

-Hey, pops, I got to poop.

-No, no, no, no!

-But I need to go!

No, no, no, no.

GROANS But it's not just the baboons that are suffering the ill...

PARP ..effects of the poo strike.

Dave, come down here.

-I need your help scaring some children.

-Oh, Jurgen, man.

I'm all like, full of poo. It's like, totally uncomfortable.

PARP

-Remind me, why are we doing this?

-I told you, we are being exploited.

And we want a piece of the poo pie!

Oh man, I do not want a piece of poo pie, right now.

Think about it, we give the keepers all this priceless poop...

And what do they actually do for us?

Well, uh, they, uh, they feed us, they give us medicine.

-They build us totally rad climbing frames.

-Oh, shut up!

We get nothing, I tell you, nothing!

There will be no pooing, until our demands are met.

-And what are our demands?

-We...want...a rollercoaster!

-What?

-A rollercoaster.

-Those are our demands?

-Mm-hmm.

-What about something sensible?

-Yeah, like bananas on a Friday.

Oh, just trust me, boys. When have I ever let you down?

With the strike in full effect,

the gorillas aren't alone in feeling the strain.

-PARP, SQUELCH

-Oh, oh, eh, ah, oh!

-PARP

-How you feelin' bro?

-Sluggish man, real sluggish!

It's totally ruining my beatboxing!

Every time I hit the snare,

I feel I'm going to poo myself! Listen.

HE MAKES BEATBOXING SOUNDS AND PARPS

Oh, you see what I mean!

Back on Gorilla Island, Jurgen begins his hard-fought

-negotiation with Head Keeper Craig.

-Hello, hello, hello, Craig?

I know what you're doing with all our poop, Craig.

Hmm, I'm playing hard ball, Craig.

There'll be no more poo in the zoo, until the rollercoaster is built.

That is absolutely my final offer.

-What'd he say?

-He's not saying anything.

-Hmm.

Right, go in with a low offer, and then build up from there.

OK, OK. After extensive consultation,

we have agreed that we will compromise with

a bouncy castle.

-But that's it. That is my final, final offer.

-What's he say?

Oh, he says nothing again. He's really good at this negotiating.

OK, OK. Final, final offer, Craig.

Paddling pool?

Meanwhile, over at the cafe,

there's a rumour spreading that the poo strike has hit a problem.

-Right, so, I was just off to steal some kids ice creams.

-Yeah?

I was about to swoop down on a double-choco whippy surprise.

Surprise, choco whippy surprise, yeah, yeah, yeah?

When I got closer, it turned out, it was a massive poo!

SCREAMS

-No! Really?

-Yeah.

-There's supposed to be a poo strike on.

So, the big question now is... POO-DUNNIT?

-What? The strike has been broken? Who is the traitor?

-It weren't me.

-Margaret, is that you?

-It's twice my size!

-Don't look at me!

Across the zoo, the mystery poo has caused a real stink.

But no-one knows who's responsible.

THUNDERCLAP

-I know exactly who did it!

-Who?

-Well, it's obvious.

He's more King Pong than King Kong.

-It's that pumped-up primate, Jurgen.

-What? No!

-What a double-crossin' little...

-Poo? Jurgen did a poo?

Oh man, he promised us a rollercoaster.

-It's lies I tell you, it's all lies!

-It's not lies.

I even have a witness to prove it. Isn't that right, Martin?

Yeah, yeah, that's right, I saw him with my, um,

my, what did I see it with?!

Your own eyes, you saw HIM, with your own eyes, do a poo!

-I saw him with his own eyes, do a, um, hmm...!

-The poo, Martin!

You saw him do the poo!

Yes, yes, thank you, Martin, now hop it.

There you go, conclusive evidence. The gorilla is guilty.

-BOOS

-No! I didn't do it! I didn't do it.

Oh, I knew we shouldn't never have trusted that idiot gorilla.

I'm letting one go.

HE BEATBOXES

SQUELCH

Oh, that's much better.

I really wanted that paddling pool. Might as well use the old one.

PARP

So the strike's over, and poo is well and truly back on the menu.

-Vet Krista is as happy as a...

-Poo...

-What?

You can tell a lot about an animal, just looking at its poo.

Right, so can you tell which animal a poo has come from?

Each animal forms the poo in slightly different ways,

so you can recognise which animal produces which poo.

Right, apparently, we can find out poo-dunnit, just by testing it.

-Could be a nice little earner.

-Excellent idea, Gaz.

We going to give it to Krista then?

-No need, my old friend.

-Ooh!

-No need.

I just need to forensically disambiguate its precise chemical construction.

-Oh... Eh?

-I'm going to lick it.

-Oh, ha-ha!

That's brilliant, Gaz, brilliant. Oh, Gaz what are you doing?

-I thought you were joking, oh mate!

-All right, all right, I'm going in.

Oh, Gaz.

-It's a fake, it's a fake! It's a totally pretend poo.

-Oh!

It's a stitch up! Someone's tried to frame the gorilla!

-Who would do that?

-Who, indeed?

-Know anything about this fake poo, Brutus?

-No...

MARTIN GIBBERS NERVOUSLY

You put it there!

Shush, Martin!

-He said to make everyone think that the gorilla did it.

-Martin!

You said everyone would hate him,

and then you'd take over the zoo, and eventually the world!

Hush you venomous rat-monkey!

BOOS

I didn't do it! All right... I did! And I'll do it again!

EVIL CACKLE

With the poodunnit solved, peace has returned to the zoo.

The poo is flowing. And Jurgen is back on the throne.

-I told you I didn't do it.

-And as it turns out, the poo is valuable.

-But only for the plants.

-Yeah! I told you that, too!

-They call it, er, compost.

-Oh, really?

-So this whole strike was like, totally pointless.

-No, it wasn't!

-Check this out, guys!

-No way! We got a paddling pool, man!

Nice work, dude.

SPLASH

Oh.

We HAD a paddling pool.

-Nice work...dude.

-Shut up.