The Lost Hop The Zoo


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The Lost Hop

Comedy series following real-life animals in a zoo. A mystery illness leaves Topaz the kangaroo without a hop and the vets scratching their heads.


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THEY BEATBOX

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THEY SCAT

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THEY HARMONISE

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Shut up.

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-Morning, Duchess!

-Morning!

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It's Monday morning at the zoo, and the keepers are preparing for

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yet another day amongst the elegance and natural beauty of nature.

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Dave! Stop scratching your bottom, it's disgusting.

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HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

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Yes. Thank you, David.

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Getting around is an important daily part of daily life at the zoo,

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and all the animals do it differently.

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Uhh-oh-ooh!

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Some use four legs...

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Hoo-hoo-hoo!

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Others use two. Orang-utans use their arms.

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Fur seals use their tummies.

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And baboons... Well, they use other baboons.

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-Giddy up, horsey, giddy up!

-Don't talk to your mother like that!

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Hmm. That looks quite fun, actually. Anyway, where was I?

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Kangaroos, on the other hand, have a

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completely unique way of getting from A to B.

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-Is it now?

-Yeah, now. Go on. Come on, we're filming.

-Wahoo!

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Kangaroos get around by hopping.

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But all is not well with our Australian friends,

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and vet Christa has come to take a closer look.

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-Because Topaz, the kangaroo, has got a problem.

-She can't hop.

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So she shuffles, rather than hops, which,

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for a kangaroo, is not very good.

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So what's the, er, plan, then?

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-Oh.

-We keep an eye on her.

-Good. Excellent, er, vetting.

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I don't know what all this fuss is about, I'm absolutely fine,

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I'm tip-top, I'm fit as a flea.

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-Barbara! Have you seen Topaz? She looks terrible.

-I know.

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I had an uncle who lost his hop once.

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It's a terrible disease, they called it Uncle Nigel's hoppity-stop-hop.

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W-w-what happens?

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He had to walk on his hands for the rest of his life.

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Hashtag, devastating.

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-Seriously?

-Seriously, Muriel.

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It starts in your legs, then it ends up in your face.

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Then all your hair falls out. Uncle Nigel, he was never the same again.

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Totally ruined Christmas dot com.

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That is total rubbish Barbara, I don't have the

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hoppity-skoppity-bop-hop or whatever your weird uncle had.

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-I can hop any time I like.

-Well, go on, then.

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Fine, I will. Watch me.

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THUMP

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Oh. Oh, dear.

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While Christa considers how best to mend our

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malfunctioning marsupial, over on Gorilla Island,

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silverback Jurgen is also starting to feel a bit unwell.

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-There is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

-Yes, there is!

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This happens every single time any of the other animals get any

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attention from the vet.

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I am ill. I have a sniffle.

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HE SNIFFS

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I think it's Uncle Nigel's hoppity-blobbity-hop-stop-blop.

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Jurgen! You never had a hop. You're a gorilla. Gorilla's don't hop.

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Yes, but look at my feet! The hair's fallen out.

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You never had any hair on the bottom of your feet.

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I want a second opinion.

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Dave?

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HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

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Oh, shut up.

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Back in the kangaroo enclosure, and vet Christa

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has come up with a plan. And it involves a gun!

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-That's a bit extreme, isn't it? Oh, that's not a real gun, is it?

-No.

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-It's a tranquiliser gun, isn't it?

-Yep.

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-So you're not going to?

-No.

-You're just going to, er...

-Yeah.

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-Yeah, I knew that.

-Right, where is she?

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Oh, yeah, yep, yeah, I've seen this all before.

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This is exactly what happened with Uncle Nigel

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and his hoppity-stop-hop. They shot him too, it was so tragic.

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Hashtag put her out of her misery.

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Nah, I think they're just sedating her

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-so they can have a look at her legs.

-No, they're definitely shooting her.

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They've got to get it before it spreads dot com.

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-You mean, it's contagious?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.

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I mean, have you checked your hop recently, Muriel, have you?

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No, I have not!

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With the gun loaded and Topaz safely inside the shed,

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Christa moves into position.

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-Here we go.

-Hi, Christa, I like your hair today.

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What's that in your hand? Ooh, that's not a...

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Ow, ow!

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Oh, macaroni! Argh... fluffy rainbows.

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THUD, SHE SNORES

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-Nee-na nee-na nee-na...

-AS Topaz is taken off to hospital...

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-Nee-na nee-na nee-na...

-Wait, can you stop doing that?

-OK! Ha-ha.

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-Sorry!

-Thank you.

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So, as Topaz is taken off to hospital,

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Jurgen's case of Uncle John's gibbity-boppity-flibbity,

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hoppity-boppity-thing seems to be getting worse.

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-Oh! My eyes have gone all puffy!

-There's nothing wrong with you.

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-Apart from maybe a case of attention-seekeritis.

-Jeffrey!

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Wait... Is that a real illness?

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Well, as real as hoppity-bop-stop, or whatever that is.

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HE SNIFFS

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Oh, and my breath smells awful!

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-No change there, then.

-Ugh! I need you guys to take this seriously.

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OK, OK, OK, so like, tell us your symptoms again.

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Oh, OK, OK, so...

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HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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I hate you, Dave.

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In the vet centre, using a combination of voodoo

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and medical science, Christa and her team begin the operation.

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But first, they need to shave her back.

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The kangaroo, that is, not Christa.

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She doesn't need it, that would be weird.

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But back in the enclosure, Uncle Bonzo's

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shibbity-stoppity-doo-wop-doo-bop seems to be spreading.

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HE BELCHES

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Look, Muriel, Shane's got it now. That is a classic symptom.

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Hashtag panic, Muriel. Panic.

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Seriously? I think he's just a bit of a pig.

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All right, that's enough now, Shane.

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You mark my words, Muriel, we'll all be hopless by tomorrow.

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-You've got to get yourself checked.

-I am.

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-What's my hop looking like, Doc?

-Well, I can't see anything.

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Oh, great!

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No, I mean, I can't actually see anything.

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-It's totally pitch-black down here.

-Oh!

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-You are definitely a real doctor, yeah?

-Er....

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Yes...

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After some voodoo chanting and some medical scanning,

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Dr Christa has finally discovered

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the cause of the lost hop.

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So, a kangaroo kick can do quite a lot of damage,

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and that's what we think happened to this kangaroo.

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Barbs, Barbs, do you hear that?

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It wasn't Uncle Nigel's hippity-hoppity-skoppity

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-skip-skop-stop after all.

-Yeah, well, I'm still not convinced.

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-I mean, what does that woman know anyway?

-You mean, the vet?

-Yeah.

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-With her X-rays?

-Yeah.

-And the scans?

-Yeah.

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-And her seven years of medical training?

-Yeah.

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-And her 14 years of professional...

-That's enough now, Muriel!

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-Barbara? Did you kick Topaz?

-No! Well... Maybe just a little bit.

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Barbara!

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Now that they know how it happened, it's a race against time to see

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if the team can finally restore Topaz's lost hop.

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All Christa can do now is wait.

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She needs to be patient about her patient.

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But over on the island,

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our pretend patient is causing Jeffrey to lose patience.

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-You are not sick!

-I AM sick!

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I'm sick to death of your lack of respect, JEFFREY!

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And you, Dave. And stop scratching your bottom hole.

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It's a filthy habit.

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But it's so itchy, man!

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-Right. What colour is my back?

-BOTH: Silver.

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-And what colour are your backs?

-BOTH: Not silver.

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So who is the boss?

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-BOTH: You.

-So, let's try not to forget that, huh?

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A little bit of respect for the boss, hmm?

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All right, look,

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me and Dave have got you a bunch of flowers to say, "Get well soon."

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Hmm, yes, that's more like it.

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Dave, you are holding the flowers with the same hand you were

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scratching your butt with.

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-Oh, yeah! Sorry. Oh! It smells of poo now.

-Yes. Well, it would.

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-Do you, like, still want it?

-No.

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-No, I don't.

-Oh! I think I've got some poo in my hair, too.

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-Oh, it's gone everywhere!

-And you wonder why I feel sick.

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Oh, poo everywhere, it's totally gross!

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Topaz has now woken up, and vet Christa has come to see

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if the operation was a success.

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Hashtag gross. Look! I told you her hair has totally fallen out,

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-it is definitely Uncle Nigel's...

-Oh, zip it, Barbara!

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Muriel, have I got a bald patch?

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-Oh, it's only tiny, you can barely see it, to be honest.

-Hi, Topaz!

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-Argh! What the hoo-ha's happened to your hair?

-Zip it, Bronwyn.

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-And, Barbara, are you going to say sorry to Topaz?

-What for?

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For kicking her! And for lying about it.

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And for making up all of this rubbish about your Uncle's

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hippity-hoppity-lollipoppity stoppity-hop!

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Oh, that.

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Yeah. Hashtag... I'm really sorry, Topaz.

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Oh, Barbara, don't worry about it. I actually feel much better now.

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It's the moment of truth.

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Has the doc's op unlocked the stopped hop?

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-There she is. Ooh-ooh, hopping!

-Woohoo! Look at me go! Woohoo!

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-She's hopping. Yep.

-I can't believe it! Gosh, I feel so free!

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-Oh, macaroni!

-Very short hops, but she's hopping.

-Ha-ha-ha!

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With the hop safely returned,

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and with Uncle Stevo's beep-bop-aloo-bop a-wham-bam-boo

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shown to be a load of old rubbish, hopefully Jurgen has....

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Oh, I've got this weird tingling in my ear lobes.

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-Is he still pretending he's ill?

-Yep.

-Argh! I've gone blind!

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Oh, no, it was just my fingers in my eyes. Oh! We have to call Christa.

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Don't worry. Dave said she's on her way.

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-Yeah, dude, she's on her way over now.

-Excellent.

-With her gun.

-What?

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-And her hair-shavers.

-What?

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It's cool, she'll probably just want to shoot you,

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and then shave you to find out what's wrong.

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Oh! Actually, I sort of, erm, I feel a lot better, actually.

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Oh, look, there she is!

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-What?!

-She's taking aim.

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Argh! Get out of my way, I'm coming through, argh! ARGHH!

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He totally fell for that!

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Well, that...is embarrassing.

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Shut up.

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A mystery illness leaves Topaz the kangaroo without a hop and the vets scratching their heads. When Topaz is taken for treatment, rumours begin to spread around the zoo that it could be 'Uncle Nigel's Hoppitystophop' - a horrible condition that causes kangaroos to lose their ability to hop. Jealous of all the attention on Topaz, hapless gorilla and self-appointed leader of the zoo, Jurgen conjures up an illness in need of treatment of his own. Diagnosed by fellow gorilla Geoffrey as 'attention-seeker-itis'- will he and Topaz ever recover?