The Wegetarian The Zoo

THEY BEATBOX

THEY SCAT

THEY HARMONISE

Shut up.

It's Monday morning at the zoo.

CAWING

And all the animals are waking up.

THEY YAWN

STOMACH RUMBLES And they're hungry.

I think your stomach is trying to say something.

-Yeah, you know what it said?

-No.

-It says shut up.

-HE LAUGHS

-UNDER HIS BREATH:

-You're so annoying.

-What?

-Nothing.

Feeding time is the most important daily part of daily life

for all the animals.

Nearly a tonne of food is consumed by the animals every single day,

including many mounds of mouthwatering meat

and blooming loads of vegetables.

They both have their own nutritional benefits.

But what is better - being a carnivore or a vegetarian-ivore?

Oh, hello!

Look at these bad boys.

-HE GRUNTS

-Ooh, biceps!

Ooh, the glutes.

All built using wegetables.

Nothing else.

Wegetable power!

-Yeah!

-Yeah. Why, thank you for that.

But not every animal is keen on vegetarianism

especially not the tigers.

You know, that is simply not true.

I love vegetarians,

they are wonderful, delightful.

Especially deep-fried in breadcrumbs with barbecue sauce.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Delicious.

Mm. Anyway.

Senior storeman Nick is in charge of vegetables

and it is up to him to make sure there is always

enough for the hundreds of herbivores at the zoo.

We go through a massive amount of lettuces,

cabbages and carrots and beetroot

and everything that we bring in today will all go out today.

All this will go out to the animals today.

Sorry, when?

Today.

It's a full-time job keeping all the animals fully nutritional-ised.

And as Nick heads off for his first veg delivery of the day,

for senior cat keeper Helen, it is all about the meat.

Helen, what the hakuna matata are you doing?

I'm just sorting out the cat feeds for the week,

so we get a delivery once a week.

Then I've got to organise it for the individual cat's feeds.

Well, get on with it then.

The carnivorous cats love nothing more than Helen's high-protein

hunks of flesh.

TIGER GRUNTS

Oh, high-protein hunk of flesh,

sounds like you are talking about my Neil.

Oh, darling, really. I mean, look at him.

You could've had the pick of the pride,

but you married the runt of the litter.

Oh, mum, leave him alone. Wish you would give him a chance.

I think he's lovely.

Oh, come on, darling. You could do so much better.

Oh, you remember Maximus? Oh! Now, he came from an excellent bloodline.

He really was king of the jungle.

Mum! Maximus spent longer on his hair than you do.

Details, darling, details.

I mean... Ugh. Look at this lump. He's a lazy, puny, long-haired bum.

Mum! You shouldn't talk about him like that behind his back.

-Ugh. OK. Hey!

-Hello?

You are a lazy, puny, long-haired bum.

-Oh, that's a bit harsh.

-Mum!

Well, you said not to talk about him behind his back.

Hm.

Well, vegetarian or meat eater,

every animal in the zoo absolutely loves their food.

Some like it in bowls.

Some, dangled from a piece of string.

Some...

straight out of their own noses.

Mm. Salty.

Dirty boy.

Back in the lion enclosure,

Neil has taken his mother-in-law's comments to heart.

My mother-in-law thinks I'm useless.

She called me a long-haired bum.

-She said lazy too.

-Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Puny as well, actually.

Right, thanks.

I might be puny compared to Maximus,

but, you know, what am I supposed to do about it?

Well, I don't know. Why don't you ask Gerkan? He's massive.

The gorilla?

Wow, look at that guy.

Kiss my guns, you itty-bitty kitty.

Wow, how did he get so buff?

Wegetables.

He's a...wegetarian.

Oh, brilliant! Well, that's it.

I'm going to show that old battle-axe of a mother-in-law

that Neil the lion can be a king of the jungle.

Maximus can kiss my hairy guns.

From now on, I'm a wegetarian.

Right, well.

As Nick continues his deliveries,

Neil's new-found wegetarianism is being put into practise.

He's done what?

He's gone vegetarian because you called him puny.

He said he got the idea from the gorilla.

From the gorilla? Have you seen the gorilla?

HE HUMS

Well, he is buff.

Buff, he may be, but he is thicker than a rhino's backside.

Ugh, speaking of which.

Oh, what is that horrendous smell?

-Your dinner.

-Oh, but where's the flesh?

Ugh! You are a vegetarian.

You do know that means no meat, don't you?

Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, of course. I knew that.

Yummy.

Meanwhile, over on baboon rock, it is not just a simple question of

meat or weg,

the keepers sometimes give the animals other things to chew on.

It's called enrichment.

We give them things like boxes to tear up,

to throw at each other, throw down the rock.

But we also give them things like broom heads to keep them

stimulated, to keep them thinking. Something other than food.

So, what do they call this stuff the keepers have given us?

Enrichment?

No, no. Big Tony said it's not from the keepers.

He said he organised it. It's called health food.

He said it's going to make as big and strong, just like the gorillas.

He's been selling it to everyone.

Eat it up, guys. There's plenty more where that came from.

Just remember who gave it to you.

-Tony, I think these are just brooms.

-What did you say!

Nothing, Big Tony. So sorry. It's a lovely treat, thank you, sir.

Creep.

Neil is now ready to get his teeth firmly

stuck into wegetarianism.

Oh, it is embarrassing.

-This is not the behaviour of a apex predator.

-Mum, shush.

Don't you listen to her, sweetheart. You show those carrots who's boss.

Oh, yes, approach them very slowly, you do not want them to run away.

-Oh, mum!

-Oh, darling, you know, I've been thinking,

why don't we get Maximus over for dinner?

-I hear he's still very fond of you.

-Mum!

Come on, Neil. Got to get buff.

I'll show that mother-in-law.

Ugh. Give me strength!

I don't know what you see in him, darling.

-He cannot even kill a carrot.

-Yes...I...can!

HE EATS GREEDILY, THEN RETCHES

Oh, yeah, no. I can't. I can't. I'm done, I tried.

While Neil struggles with his wegetable-based diet,

there's no such problem for the gorillas.

That lion gives up too easily.

If he wants the guns, he's got to eat the plums.

Plums aren't a vegetable.

Oh, shut up! I couldn't think of a vegetable to rhyme with guns.

Look, have you thought that maybe lions aren't supposed to be

-eat vegetables?

-Hm?

Their digestive tracts, well,

they are built to break down a purely protein-based diet.

-Jeffrey, you're babbling again.

-Look, all I'm saying is...

-Shut...

-What I'm saying...

-..up.

After his brief dalliance with wegetarianism,

Neil is feeling a little mixed up.

Look, I'd do anything to be more like Maximus.

Anything to get that battle-axe off my back.

But those tiny, evil pieces of orange filth...

You mean carrots?

Oh, no. Don't even say the word. Oh!

And I can't stop thinking about meat.

Juicy...tender...

meat.

Oh, no! Look, you're not thinking about eating me, are you?

-Oh, no. No, no, no. No way.

-HE CHUCKLES

Actually, yes. Yes, I was.

I'm sorry. Meat, weg...

-ECHOING:

-I don't know what to do.

Well, let's ask Helen.

Helen, if it was up to you, would you be a carnivore

or a wegetarian-ivore?

With the carnivores, they only have to eat maybe once a week

while herbivores tend to have to eat for up to 16 hours a day sometimes.

I've always said if there is such a thing as next lives,

I'd love to come back as a tiger or a lion in a nice zoo,

sleep all day, and let someone bring me food.

So, there you go, Neil.

16 hours of looking for disgusting wegetables, versus

sitting around all day, having meat brought to you on a plate.

The choice is yours.

Oh, Helen, Helen, get me some meat with a side order of meat.

And some meat on top.

Oh, well, that is a surprise, a turn-up for the books.

Running off to Helen for his din din.

Mum, it doesn't matter what you think. I want Neil,

and I think he's perfect just the way he is.

Ugh. Pass me the sick bucket.

HE EATS LOUDLY AND SLOPPILY

So, another day of deliveries comes to an end for Nick.

HORN HONKS

CAR CRASHES Ouch!

And we've learned a very waluable lesson.

Well, actually, we haven't, really.

Gorillas like wegetables and lions like meat,

and neither is better. HE BELCHES